Confessions of a Gay Teenage Mind

[rangisrovus19]

You guys are giving me amazing information. I really, really appreciated it. I have been hanging out with my friend a lot (its not hard, he's across from me) and I just love to be around him. I have the feeling he really enjoys being around me a lot too, and that is very exciting. He told me when he was younger, he didn't have many friends. But as he grew older, most of his friends were girls.

I know for a fact that he is 100% straight. He is also a virgin (which is kinda cute). He has had a few girlfriends, and from a friend of his I met, she tells me that he "hasn't had good luck with girls".

For about a month or so, he has developed a relationship with a girl. Although they are not under the title of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", he still considers her one. She lives in his hometown, two hours from here. They talk (well, text each other) all the time. It seems as though they never stop. He speaks highly of her, and not just her, but females all the time. He "loves the idea of being in love". I can tell he really, really, wants a deep relationship with someone, I kinda feel sorry for the poor guy. I know for certain that nothing will happen between us. I still haven't had the guts to tell him i'm "not entirely straight". This is because I want to figure him out more, see how he treats me as of now. And, when I do break the news to him, I'm sure he will react different to me as he is now. This is what is scaring me.

He has mentioned having gay friends before, and claims that it doesn't bother him.

We have come up with a funny and immature event that takes place every tuesday. He and I will wear nothing but a man thong around our dorm just for shits and giggles (we like to creep out the reallllly conservative folk). As corny as this sounds, I actually believe that doing this has made us come closer together. Because think of it, he actually has the mindset where we can both be sitting around, almost naked, and act normal about everything. Its all in good fun and humor. Also, he isn't that shy about being seen naked. I'm a bit more shy about it, but I feel that we have gotten to that point where it doesn't matter to him.

If I were to reveal the truth about myself to him, that could all change. He probably wouldn't be so open and "free" around me, and that hurts way to much to think about. A true friendship relies on loyalty, trust, and honesty. I feel bad for not wanting to tell him the truth, because of the fear of what might happen next.


Thank you for listening.

 

[hotnmpls2000@yahoo.com]

Unrequited love between human beings is
always painful, Rangirovus. I think most of
us, straight, gay or bi have all been where
you are.

It's painful to care for someone from afar
and know you can never have them. I'm
sorry you are going through this angst for
a second time.

I guess if I have any advice...though it's
only very weak...I would say, don't
torture yourself over this guy you wish
you could have...try to look for someone
you know you can really connect with on
an amorous level and remind yourself that
you can have his friendship and that counts
for something.

You need to be really carefull kiddo. I'm 35 now, but in college I was head over heals in love with a college room mate. We had one of the closest relationships I've ever been in. But it didn't make him straight. I spent years getting over him and then decended into a pattern of repeats. Even the gays that I've liked have been non options, really.

 

[Matthew]

If I were to reveal the truth about myself to him, that could all change. He probably wouldn't be so open and "free" around me, and that hurts way to much to think about. A true friendship relies on loyalty, trust, and honesty. I feel bad for not wanting to tell him the truth, because of the fear of what might happen next.

Don't feel bad, Rangis - ain't your fault that we live in a fucked-up world that thinks less of gay people. It's natural to have that worry. I agree with what you said about "true friendship" and think it would be great if you told him. If you do, do it at a time that feels right for you, and give him time to sort his feelings out. He sounds like a pretty good guy, so he might surprise you positively!

In terms of what you wrote earlier about not getting aroused as frequently, that has happened to me when I was falling in love with someone -- it's like the 'romance' part of my brain was taking over. If it's the same for you, be careful! As you've said above, you can't let your heart go all the way there. Make sure you're maintaining some other friendships and people who you can count on as well, and not making him your whole 'support system.' In other words, take care of yourself!

 

[rangisrovus19]

Last week I decided to tell my friend that I was gay. It took a lot of guts, but i knew in order to establish a relationship with him, i had to be honest.

i took him to a little get together at a friend's apartment to show him a good night out. he didn't drink or anything, and he said he had a great time. i was very happy about that. i had a few drinks in order to loosen myself up so i could talk to him.

when we got back to the dorms, i told him to grab a jacket and come outside with me. it would be a long talk. im not really sure if he knew what i was going to tell him. so when we got outside, i told him about the night my father found out i was gay (long story). i only tell a few people about this, and i felt that he was close enough to me that i could share this with him. afterwards, he seemed very emotional and told me he "hasn't come close to crying in years". i could tell by the tone of his voice he was about to. that itself made me realize that he cared about me a lot. he also told me that he respected me so much more for telling him. i think this was a good desicion. no, i know it was. we've become so much closer... and that is what is starting to worry me.

i dont usually smoke weed. my friend has never gotten high before so i decided i would show him how it felt like. we went over to a friend's house and smoked. i told him i wanted to do a shotgun with him, and he agreed. our lips touched and it turned me on... a lot. we did it again, and the second time he grabed my shoulder, in an intimate kind of way. i wasn't sure what to think about it. but i really liked it...

the next day his "girlfriend" (well, they arn't labeled) came down to visit. they were both locked up in his room just making out, for hours on end... kinda upset me. but after dinner, we went to another friend of mine's house. over there we drank quite a bit and smoked hookah nonstop. so we felt pretty good. we did lots of shotguns between the two of us, in front of his girlfriend. she thought it was hot... strangely. at the end of the night, i made him a bet. i told him if i were to play him in pool and win, he would have to kiss me. i almost won. he missed a few times on purpose though, which made me happy. after the game, he came up to me and said i could still do it if i wanted to.

i couldn't deny this. so... i made out with him. some of my friends were really confused (even though they know im gay... it was just the fact that his 'girlfriend' didn't care). this confused me too, but i didn't care.

for that moment whenever we touched lips, i felt content. ive made out with a few people before, but it wasn't intimate. i felt gratifying whenever we kissed. i couldn't stop thinking about it, and also the fact he was alright with it, especially when he was obsessed with this girl he was with. it confuses me, and i dont know what to do.

after our kiss, we went back to our dorms... him and his girlfriend in his room, and me in my room, across from one another. i cried because i was so happy he trusted me enough to do that. i also cried because i was scared of the future. - what could happen next. good or bad things? i kept repeating "god damn it sam" over and over again while in tears... because i knew that that is probably the farthest we will go... and i thought of all the things that could be, which will in fact, never will be.


after this week it is spring break. my parents are going to be in mexico and im having a huge party. sam is staying for it that night. that's all i care about. i just want to spend another wonderful night with him. i want to make sure he has a good time. i want to see what happens next. i want him so bad, it hurts.

thank you.

 

[chrisj428]

Okay. I'm going to be the killjoy here and tell you: stop this at once while you're still ahead!

I read your posts and they brought a tear to my eye. You see, I understand -- no -- empathize with your situation. I had a great friend at work who was unattached at the time. We became very close, spent loads of time together. There was nary a day that went by we didn't call each other on the way home from work and talk all the way.

When his ex-girlfriends transferred from Columbia to Northwestern to "be closer to him" (she's a real piece of work, and I'm not saying that simply becaue she did everything she could to drive a wedge between us), I was skeptical.

We talked about the change in situation. He assured me there would be no problems. I told him the same thing I'm going to tell you now: "This can only end in tears." And, it did.

His on-again, off-again and I tried so hard to get along. And, he was right in the middle. We ended up just about tearing him apart like two kids fighting over a teddy bear.

He ended up picking me over her...or so I thought. There were nights the three of us would drink at her place and after he put her to bed, he would come and lay next to me on the floor. The one week of vacation he got, he took with me in Vegas.

Well, I ended up killing the goose that laid the golden egg, Rangis. One night, I crossed a line and we haven't talked to each other since a year ago January.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss him. I've moved on and am enjoying my single life right now (I actually do enjoy my own company). Ironically enough, I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time last night. I recognized myself in Jake's Character. I recognized what the two of us had (although we never went "as far", it was no less intense) and, for the first time in a long time, I cried I cried for the characters on the screen and I cried for what I'd lost. And I thought I was all out of tears.

If you two have such a great and secure relationship as friends, stick with that. M and I flirted with each other incessantly. We looked out for each other without hesitation. And we were the best of friends. I would give anything to rewind back to that night in January and choose differently.

Things happen for a reason, though. I know that God (or whatever deity or omnipotent being you may or may not believe in) doesn't give me anything I can't handle and doesn't close a door without opening a window. The relationship was a very learning experience and I'm grateful for having had it. I wish there had been more, but my insistence brought it to a premature end.

I'm sorry I'm rambling, but there's so much I want to tell you. Do whatever you feel most comfortable with, but be realistic. I tell my friends, "I'm not an optimist or a pessimist. I'm a realist." Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. There's no way someone won't get hurt if it all blows up. I hope it goes better for you than it did for me. But if it doesn't, know we're here for you and life goes on. :smile:

 

[Nomad]

I know this sounds trite, but: Romantic relationships come and go, but a good friendship can last a lifetime. I've known plenty of people in my life who I would have wanted to be more-than-friends with, but the fact is, I'm glad I didn't cross that line with them, because these people still impact my life this very day.

Some people seem to be able to carry on friendships with their exes, but mine have only been strained friendships, at best. And many times the new lover doesn't look kindly on you being close with an ex.

 

[rangisrovus19]

Well, it happened.

Like i stated in my previous post, I mentioned having a party at my house at the begining of spring break. I did, and everyone who came said they had an amazing time... except me.

My Friend came over and he had plans to stay the night there and get up the next morning to head on home for the break. Both of us were really excited because we knew this would be a really fun night. I bought a keg, and lots of liquor. As the night went on, a lot of people showed up and I was having a blast talking to all of them, catching up on old times. But my Friend sort of isolated himself in the bathroom talking to his "girlfriend" on the phone, which kind of made me mad. I went on with the night, consuming more alcohol.

eventually, i knew what would happen next... did happen next.

My emotions started to catch up with me, and all the thoughts I have been hiding came out. I couldn't stop thinking about my Friend and how much i loved him. I was surrounded by about 50-60 people and I didn't even notice anything that was happening around me. I was focused on just that single thought. I had a lot of people come up to me and ask if i was "okay". some time later, my Friend started to notice me too. I went into the bathroom where he was and asked him what he and his girlfriend were talking about on the phone. he replied "sex". For some reason, I got angry and said "why are you talking about that? she's had plenty of sex. what do you need to know?"... and she heard me on the other line. Apparently, that upset her a lot, and ultimately, it upset my Friend too. (he's a virgin, he's only messed around with her and only her, once).

i then left and started to walk around my house more. I became very, very upset and had to get away from everyone. I went upstairs where sarah, one my my best friends and practically my sister, was there too. We had a very deep and emotional conversation about the whole ordeal and how it would never work. Trying to figure this out myself and accept it, I went downstairs to look for my Friend. I couldn't find him so I went outside only to discover that he had left. I started to panic and ask everyone where he was. No one knew. I went outside and called him. He picked up, saying he was at the dorm. I told him I wanted to come by and talk to him but he told me not to. He said he would come by in the morning before he'll leave for home.

After I hung up the phone, it hit me. He found out that I was in love with him.

I went inside, and all hell broke loose. I practically destroyed my room in an emotional, drunken rampage. I haven't been that upset in years. I made my way to the Study downstairs, to find my two closests friends, Sarah and her boyfriend Ollie, whom I've grown up with my whole life. I broke down right then and there, saying "sam's gone, sam found out" over and over again. Ollie was hugging me telling me how wonderful a person i was and how many people's lives i have touched and people's minds I have changed. It seemed like it lasted forever. I eventually just went to bed, not getting much sleep.

The next morning, I hear my door open, and it was my Friend. I sat up, knowing what to expect. He sat down and told me he liked me, but not in that way. he also told me i upset him last night for the things I said about his girlfriend. I didn't remember some of the things I said until he had to refresh my memory. I felt awful, and i deserved it. I shouldn't have said those things. He gathered his things he left over at my house, and i walked him to his car. He mentioned me coming to visit him during the break (we talked about it before this whole ordeal) and i told him no, it's probably not a good idea. and by his body language, I could tell he agreed. I then told him to have fun for the rest of the break, and i wanted to give him a hug goodbye, but i couldn't. the only thing i could do was extend my hand and give him a handshake. then, he drove off.

I haven't felt this pain in years. I don't know what he is doing or what he has been doing this break. I guess the only thing i can hope for is him having fun.

and to think, the only thing i wanted that night was a kiss... the very same thing that led me to this point.

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

Well, some of us have to learn the hard way. I'm not going to write a long post this time. Please learn from this train wreck AND the last one both for the same reason. If you can't be friends, stay away from him out of respect.

 

[D_alex8]

Sorcerer has pretty much articulated what I was thinking... terrible as you may feel right now, my initial reaction to your post was actually... 'well, thank goodness that's over'... because at least you're in a position to move on and make changes for the better now, rather than having to continue existing in this state of limbo where you've been trapped.

Of course it hurts, and of course you feel annoyed/stupid/angry/etc.etc.etc. ... but at least the situation has come to a head. You know where you stand, and once your head is clear of this, you'll probably even be thankful that you can move on with life.

A sharp moment of pain like you are currently experiencing is something you can learn from ... whereas being trapped in a state of limbo is something that kills you slowly, from the inside out. You're in the better of those two positions now. I only hope you get to realize that too, rather than falling back into the desire-for-the-impossible syndrome, which as Sorcerer says, would show a lack of respect both towards yourself and your friend. Time to move on, having learnt from this experience ...

 

[Matthew]

Rangis - there's no other place for it to go. Time to focus on other parts of your life. If you don't, you might lose the friendship with your "Friend" as well. I think you'd regret that for a very long time.