Confidence Busters

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by KYKatgirl, Dec 21, 2007.

  1. KYKatgirl

    KYKatgirl New Member

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    I just learned from the size queen thread that telling a man he doesn't measure up shatters his confidence. It made me wonder what shatters a woman's confidence? We are barraged everyday by ads for padded bras, lip plumpers, nail salons, high heels, diet pills, exercise videos, spanx, eyelash extentions, hair extentions, plastic surgery ... So obviously we are too small on top, our lips are too thin, our nails are too short, we are too short, we are too fat, we are too flabby, our eyelashes are thin, our hair is too short. Yet we don't take it personally. I can't think of any one single thing that anyone could say to me that would shatter my confidence. What do you other women think?
     
  2. Rugbypup

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    I dont think women really know how damaging saying that to a guy can be. Im a smaller than average guy and the fear of a woman saying that not only destroys any confidence but make approaching women nearly impossable in the first place.

    You wanna hurt a str8 guy, dont kick him in the nuts, tell his best mates girlfriend he dosent measure up.
     
  3. 36DD

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    I can't ever imagine insulting a man like that, what is the point and why would anyone be so insensitive? I don't understand. What has made me feel insecure is not being valued as the person I am, but then after awhile I get over it because I know the problem rests with them and not with me.
     
  4. SereneBlue

    SereneBlue New Member

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    I don't think your examples are quite equivalent. What would be more equivalent is a man or men either telling a woman directly or insinuating or going on and on (while she's around) about how he/they'd like to "hit it" with supermodel hot women (assuming she isn't in that category herself).

    And of course the other factor for it to shatter her confidence is that part of the woman's validation is predicated on most or all other men you know thinking you're not their kind of "hot".

    If your self-esteem is derived internally then no matter where others place you on their "hot scale" you'll be able to allow them to have their preferences and rejections of others based on such without it lowering your own self-worth in your own eyes and without feeling anger and the need to spew hate and ridicule toward their preferences on message boards like LPSG.

    This is one of the outcomes of learning to love and accept ourselves fully. When we love/accept ourselves we allow others to prefer and need what they they do and yet internalize that it is no reflection on our worth as a human being.

    Whenever I see posts and threads with either the overt or covert message of putting others down for their preferences I know its the sign of a very angry, hurt Ego that still in part if not completely places some validation of itself as coming from others.
     
  5. whatireallywant

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    I AM shattered by these things. Well, not so much the part about nails, but the other stuff... I ALWAYS wear a padded push-up bra, and I think I look too flat-chested even WITH that! But I'm too fat everywhere else! And when I was younger and slim, I was TOO thin! :mad:

    I really am obsessed with my looks, and rather, my deficiencies in that department... always have been. I had body image problems since I was a preschooler (but they were the opposite of what you think of! I thought I was way, way too thin back then! But now I think I'm too fat - but too flat-chested).

    I would never put a man down for his looks. The only time I've ever complained about a guy's looks was my LTR guy for stuff he could EASILY remedy - basically his inattention to personal hygiene! :eek: And I've never put a man down for his size, either. I know only too well from personal experience how it feels to believe, and be told, that you are "not good enough".
     
  6. Guy-jin

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    Great post.

    I'd say telling a guy with a small penis that his penis is too small is more equivalent to telling an obese woman that she's fat, or a flat woman that she's flat.

    All three of these people are aware of their condition. Reminding them of it has no purpose aside from cruelty. And I have known numerous women insecure enough that telling them something like that will "shatter their confidence".

    This topic isn't really about whether saying something like that is appropriate, but for my part, I think it's just plain cruel. I see no reason to tell another person something like that, even if I don't like him or her. If I went on a date with someone who didn't meet some physical quality I desire, I'd just break it off quickly without ever saying or even implying that such a thing was the reason, because in most cases, there's nothing the person can do about it.

    And that's probably the bottom line there. There are a lot of things people can't "fix" about themselves, and deciding to pick on one of those features is an easy way to "shatter their confidence", be it a man or a woman.

    And if you think men aren't constantly bombarded by messages saying their penises are too small, I would love to show you my Hotmail Inbox someday.
     
  7. whatireallywant

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    My validation of myself COMPLETELY comes from others. That's a lot of my problem. I've always had very, very low self-esteem. Ironically, as a child people thought I believed I was better than everyone else, when actually I thought I was defective. So they tried to "take me down a notch or two". Problem is, it WORKED. My already low self-esteem went even lower. This was not even as a teenager. This stuff happened to me in school at ages 7 and 8!
     
  8. Elmer Gantry

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    Try this.

    Your arse looks big in everything.:biggrin1:
     
  9. Rugbypup

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    Im not certain how my homosexuality manifested itself, whether its an ingraind genetic state or whether my total lack of confidence with women turned me to the dark side as it were, lol, either way, im now far more confident (even comfortable) to say to a gay guy i'm smaller than average then i could ever, ever have said to a women for fear of a 1001 reasons.
     
  10. KYKatgirl

    KYKatgirl New Member

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    I can already tell that I was way off in my thinking. Just for the record, I don't go around telling men they are small.
     
  11. B_andyo

    B_andyo New Member

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    hmm well let say if u have 4 guys and 2 or 3 of them say u were ugly... u may put ur self in doubt... arent you?
     
  12. KYKatgirl

    KYKatgirl New Member

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    If my husband told me I was ugly then maybe but I know I'm not ugly.
     
  13. Guy-jin

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    If that avatar is you: Agreed. :tongue:
     
  14. whatireallywant

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    Apparently from where I grew up, ALL husbands tell their wives they are ugly. :mad: (I have heard this statement from several women in my hometown). Now, these women may not be "hotties" but most were average looking, which is not ugly. Ugly is BELOW average looking, generally far below average. I haven't really seen all that many ugly people (although there seem to be a lot more ugly people in my hometown than in the cities I've lived in, maybe due to the preponderance of "summerteeth" where I grew up), but I have seen many, many average looking people.

    Now yes, I don't like the men from where I grew up. That does not mean that I hate all men. And for that matter, I don't like the women from where I grew up either. They hate women just as much as the men from there do. I honestly DO believe that where you live makes a difference. There is a culture in every community, and you may not fit into the culture of one community, but if you move elsewhere, you may fit into the culture there, without changing anything about yourself except for simply where you live.

    I've actually been told by many people growing up that I was ugly. But as an adult I've been told that I was attractive. I tend to think of myself as average looking (but being the perfectionist that I am, if I look anything less than a "hottie", I'm not good enough...)
     
  15. Principessa

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  16. espreggels

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    You just learned this? In case you weren't aware, it also hurts men when you kick them in the groin.

    I'm joking, but surely you knew that denigrating the size of a man's penis is going to hurt his feelings.

    I assume you're using the royal "we" here. Most women do take it extremely personally if you tell them they're deficient in some way: fat, ugly, what have you. Not that I'd know from personal experience, of course.
     
  17. earllogjam

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    I once told a woman that she was a "Fat Cow" and it pretty much ruined her week. She was skinny too.
     
  18. Principessa

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  19. KYKatgirl

    KYKatgirl New Member

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    I'm not THAT naive. I know telling anyone that they are inadequate especially in regards to something they cannot change is hurtful. I just didn't know that one statement could shatter a man's confidence.

    I am surprised to hear from the women that many base their self-worth on the opinions of others. I wonder why that is.

    I totally agree with whoever posted about local cultures. Kansas is sooo different than Kentucky. Some good and some bad differences. One major difference is that the friends I had in Kentucky were supportive and happy. It hard to find people like that in Kansas. I have found a few (mostly transplants like me) but there are some people who are jealous, petty and downright spiteful.
     
  20. whatireallywant

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    That was me. I grew up in rural Indiana and the people I knew there were very sexist and racist, and extremely intolerant of anyone who didn't conform. In Indianapolis people weren't quite as bad about that, but were rather uninterested in social contact unless with the friends they'd had for years. San Antonio is VERY different - I love it here! Most people here are friendly, there are lots of social opportunities and it's easy to meet new people and find people to do things with if you know where to look. About the only place I can think of that might be even better for me is Austin, and that's not too far away from here, only takes me about 1-1.5 hours to drive there from here. (Plus the weather is a lot better here than it is in Indiana! :smile:)

    I'm not sure why I base my self-worth on the opinions of others, but I always have. Maybe because I never really developed a good sense of self in early childhood? Although my parents were good to me for the most part, there were other forces telling me that I was too skinny and stuff like that. (Now I'd like to be slim again! Oh well...) Then when I got to school, I did nothing right - everything I did and said was wrong. I even "talked funny" and "walked funny", according to others. Even the one thing I was good at - high intelligence - was downplayed, I was told I wasn't as intelligent as all that, and my high reading level was overcompensation for my lack of ability at anything else. I had a really low opinion of myself until I moved to the city. Then the change of culture and people I was around (still not ideal, but at least they didn't hate me because I had been to college!) influenced an improvement in me. I should've improved even more here, but my job difficulties here have hindered that somewhat. If I'd been able to keep my job here, I would've been much, much improved and started getting some self-esteem that I'd never had before. There is still a chance for that if I can get a decent job here or Austin, and actually keep it for more than the probation period!
     
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