Conflicting Thoughts (Includes Stories)

[mxe]

While this is fresh in my mind I will write this down.
First off, Hi LPSG! I'm not new, have been skulking around threads for a while, but never joined.

Since I was 13 I've had fantasies about messing around with guys. This was due to other teens I met online and chatted with, kind of was more scared of girls than didn't like them. It was easier to talk to guys about this stuff.
More recently, I turned these fantasies into actions. I've had sexual encounters with 3 different men, topping and bottoming, and here's a brief synopsis.

1st Guy: Met him online, cute, bit older, 9" cock and thick, ex military. We fooled a couple times, then I tried fucking him and him me. He could only get the tip in it hurt so much. Fucking him didn't feel good at all either, just weird. Just attributed this to first time nerves.

2nd Guy: Truth be told, I despised this time. Young (22), cute and average dick (7"). He kept sports tv on the whole time, tricked me into getting fucked bareback (snuck the condom off) and topping him before that felt bad. My ass hurt. I'm a bit worried, but have had my blood tested for another medical reason and came back clean, so I don't think anything was transmitted. No herpes thankfully.

3rd Guy: This was literally 2 hours ago. The guy was 30, average dick (7"), kinda cute. We took it slow. During the whole time, it's like a fantasized about sucking, jerking and whatever, but after this I'm sure I don't like dick in life outside my head. I topped him, again felt like absolutely nothing at all. He loved it, it didn't feel pleasurable at all, just weird. He topped me. We took it slow, and I got passed the part where it hurts to the part where it should feel good. I literally did not feel anything. Like pressure, that was it. It wasn't good at all, just annoying. Cock is not fun for me, I'm sure of it now.

For those who ask why if I've done it before did I do it again and didn't like it those other times, it was because those first two guys were pretty get in get off. The first guy was nice, but it felt weird with him. I told myself each time that "I didn't like it, don't do it again, it was a good experiment." But when I get hard, my brain is taken over by this really illogical part that says it will be better. The third guy is possibly the best time anyone could have had, as he made me feel comfortable and relaxed.

I don't know what is up with me. I know that my brain is going to tell me that guys are hot, and get hard at pics again. The issue is that while dreaming about being with guys is hot for me, actually BEING with guys is not fun and not good for me. I've never been with a girl before, and I lack the self-esteem to land one. Do you think I seek out guys cause it's easy and a quick way to get off? I regret even trying this, and know I'm going to have live my life remembering these times. Why do I do this to myself?

I guess what I'm asking is what is wrong with me? I need a way to train myself to resist these urges that only harm me. I don't enjoy sex with men, and yet what gets me hard is the IDEA of sex with men. I guess it's possible I'm just straight, always have thought I'm bi. I can't see myself ever loving a guy, and being with guys does not get me off, only the idea does. I know this has been too long, so for those who have read this, thank you.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I guess what I'm asking is what is wrong with me? I need a way to train myself to resist these urges that only harm me. I don't enjoy sex with men, and yet what gets me hard is the IDEA of sex with men. I guess it's possible I'm just straight, always have thought I'm bi. I can't see myself ever loving a guy, and being with guys does not get me off, only the idea does. I know this has been too long, so for those who have read this, thank you.

It's totally reasonable to only be attracted to the same sex in fantasy. I enjoy sex with women in my fantasies, but I don't enjoy it in real life. Then again, maybe you do like guys and the situations have just been wrong for you.

 

[mxe]

I forgot one situation, a thing with an 18 yr old guy a year and a half ago. He just sucked me off, and I did the same to him. Felt weird and bad then too. These all have been different and only twice have I felt really comfortable. I don't see how there can be a wrong situation, especially since I met up and chatted with the 18 yr old guy (one just mentioned here) and the 3rd guy and we discussed everything, expectations, what we wanted.

 

[Frodo46888]

You may be basically straight, but you may lack the confidence to have sex with a woman. Your three encounters with men didn't sound especially exciting for you, but anal sex isn't for everyone. Perhaps you did it because you thought it was expected, not because you wanted it.

If you can't see yourself loving another man, that should tell you something.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I forgot one situation, a thing with an 18 yr old guy a year and a half ago. He just sucked me off, and I did the same to him. Felt weird and bad then too. These all have been different and only twice have I felt really comfortable. I don't see how there can be a wrong situation, especially since I met up and chatted with the 18 yr old guy (one just mentioned here) and the 3rd guy and we discussed everything, expectations, what we wanted.

So it seems that you really aren't into men. You just need to figure out how to remember that when the opportunity comes up. I'm not sure I can help you there.

 

[vitaman]

I think, from what you've written, that you're most likely gay. It could be that you're dealing with some internalized homophobia. That's when gay people don't like gay people or being gay (just in case you didn't know). However, it's just as likely that you haven't met the right guy or just need to develop a more emotional connection before starting a sexual relationship. It's OK to have a few dates, go out to dinner and get to know a guy a little more before starting sex. It's also OK to have one night stands. I'm not trying to be judgemental.

 

[athleticguy]

It does sound cliche but you might need to experiment with the right person. None of this jump on jump off stuff you've been doing; that generally isolates the sex and when I was younger, made me feel sick with anxiety. I remember feeling that with strangers, it was easier to isolate how i felt at the time with how i felt generally - in other words, I kidded myself that my attraction to men was a lapse in judgement.

When I found my current guy (who I wouldn't call a partner because if he found out, he'd kill me) we experimented, messed around, tried things out and just took time out of our friendship/uni antics to see what happened. And a lot of the time, I felt ashamed after, or had extensive periods of not being interested.

And now, 3 years later, we still do it. But we're not exclusive. When I do stray, there's that same feeling of unintimate, disjointed, mechanical passion and I feel 18 again. With my guy, I like the feeling of security and knowledge.

I don't know if that helps, but I know very well those thoughts of confusion and turning your back on your instinct.

Let us know how you get on mate.

 

[silvertriumph2]

Well I assume that you have just turned old enough to join lpsg..so you may still be unsure of what you
like...that is not uncommon for someone 18 +. You are still
developing and in the begining stages of learning what you are attracted to and what is enjoyable to you...

First of all...attraction between two people (no matter if it is
between M/F or M/M or F/F or a combination as a BI)..depends
on one's attraction to the other. Sex is another thing all together...and is and can be just an animal attraction, only
satisfing all of those sexual urges by physical connections.
Sometimes they are pleasant and enjoyable...and at other
times..very unpleasant and not enjoyable and a big turn-off.

To me, I can only enjoy sex with another after I have gotten to
know them and found them attractive persons...and are turned
on by them. By this I mean interesting people, good and fun to
be around...good conversationalists, have interests that are
varied and maybe the same as yours. Physical beauty (M or F)
is not that important to me...or for men...their genital size is
completely unimportant. Just sex for sex's sake has never been enjoyable to me.

Although most people think so, Gay sex is not just anal sex.
Many Gays never practice that because it is a turn off for them. For BI's, it will never replace vaginal sex. You also say oral sex
is not enjoyable to you...or not so far. I personally think men are
the best at oral sex, for they know what is enjoyable to a man.

I would not rush into putting a lable on yourself....lables are stupid anyway. I truly believe that you are born with a sexual identity and it cannot be changed. You will eventually find out what and whom you are and that will be it. Trying to force yourself into a category is fruitless and will just make you unhappy.

If you want, experiment...but please practice safe sex until you are in a committed relationship...and then it is still a good idea until you are certain. Never let anyone "trick" you into to doing
something against your will.

Good luck, mxe....

 

[mxe]

I'm 20.

 

[remiel]

Hah, you're kind of like me then--kind of. I used to love girls and everything about them until getting rejected and then going through an ugly period, thus resulting in low self-esteem. I'm too afraid of rejection and so if I see a pretty girl, I don't even spend too much time thinking about it because I don't want to give myself false hope. I shouldn't think like that now, since I'm now pretty good looking, but I still have the mentality. As such, somewhere down the line I started looking at men more and more. I have never been with a man, and have been with a girl (thoroughly enjoyed it), so I'm still very much curious.

But, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you can't let your low self-esteem hold you back. You were able to land those guys, so why shouldn't you be able to land a girl?