While this is fresh in my mind I will write this down. First off, Hi LPSG! I'm not new, have been skulking around threads for a while, but never joined. Since I was 13 I've had fantasies about messing around with guys. This was due to other teens I met online and chatted with, kind of was more scared of girls than didn't like them. It was easier to talk to guys about this stuff. More recently, I turned these fantasies into actions. I've had sexual encounters with 3 different men, topping and bottoming, and here's a brief synopsis. 1st Guy: Met him online, cute, bit older, 9" cock and thick, ex military. We fooled a couple times, then I tried fucking him and him me. He could only get the tip in it hurt so much. Fucking him didn't feel good at all either, just weird. Just attributed this to first time nerves. 2nd Guy: Truth be told, I despised this time. Young (22), cute and average dick (7"). He kept sports tv on the whole time, tricked me into getting fucked bareback (snuck the condom off) and topping him before that felt bad. My ass hurt. I'm a bit worried, but have had my blood tested for another medical reason and came back clean, so I don't think anything was transmitted. No herpes thankfully. 3rd Guy: This was literally 2 hours ago. The guy was 30, average dick (7"), kinda cute. We took it slow. During the whole time, it's like a fantasized about sucking, jerking and whatever, but after this I'm sure I don't like dick in life outside my head. I topped him, again felt like absolutely nothing at all. He loved it, it didn't feel pleasurable at all, just weird. He topped me. We took it slow, and I got passed the part where it hurts to the part where it should feel good. I literally did not feel anything. Like pressure, that was it. It wasn't good at all, just annoying. Cock is not fun for me, I'm sure of it now. For those who ask why if I've done it before did I do it again and didn't like it those other times, it was because those first two guys were pretty get in get off. The first guy was nice, but it felt weird with him. I told myself each time that "I didn't like it, don't do it again, it was a good experiment." But when I get hard, my brain is taken over by this really illogical part that says it will be better. The third guy is possibly the best time anyone could have had, as he made me feel comfortable and relaxed. I don't know what is up with me. I know that my brain is going to tell me that guys are hot, and get hard at pics again. The issue is that while dreaming about being with guys is hot for me, actually BEING with guys is not fun and not good for me. I've never been with a girl before, and I lack the self-esteem to land one. Do you think I seek out guys cause it's easy and a quick way to get off? I regret even trying this, and know I'm going to have live my life remembering these times. Why do I do this to myself? I guess what I'm asking is what is wrong with me? I need a way to train myself to resist these urges that only harm me. I don't enjoy sex with men, and yet what gets me hard is the IDEA of sex with men. I guess it's possible I'm just straight, always have thought I'm bi. I can't see myself ever loving a guy, and being with guys does not get me off, only the idea does. I know this has been too long, so for those who have read this, thank you.