Confused about sexual orientation...

[teen3309]

I just turned 26 the other day and since high school have been confused by my sexual orientation. I have not had a girlfriend and have not gone on any dates (living at home after college hasn't helped--I'm thinking about moving out within the year). I am not a bad looking guy nor do I lack social skills--just haven't made any moves. I always seem to use the excuse, "I don't want to ruin a good friendship." with any girl that could be a potential match.

As friends start to pair up and a couple have gotten married, it's made me start to think a lot. I find myself recognizing when someone is good looking, both women and men. I really like breasts, something about them makes me take a good stare. The firmness and perkyness is a turn on for me.

But when it comes to masturbation, I find myself looking mostly at naked pictures of guys. Initially I thought this had to do with "envy"--being fascinated with the male form while I was growing up and wondering how I would look when I became a man. However, I also find myself looking at guys in the gym showers. Something about showering nude with other guys is arousing. The forum "Open Locker Room Showers" on LPSG is also exciting. I can't imagine myself having sex with or being intimate with another man, it's sickening to the stomach. I like kids and often think how great it would be to raise a family some day.

I have a routine physical exam coming up in a week and wonder if I should feel comfortable addressing these concerns with my doctor. Overall, I feel comfortable talking to him--he is attentive and genuinely cares about his patients. Last year I had some blood in my ejaculate and mustered up the courage to ask him about it. He said "sexual activity is healthy.", but I didn't have the nerve to tell him I was still a virgin.

Society says you're either straight or gay. It seems more acceptable for women to swing both ways, but a guy cannot. Has any guy on this forum found that they are also attracted to men, but are now in a healthy relationship with a woman? I feel conflicted. Any insight or advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[novice_btm]

...Last year I had some blood in my ejaculate and mustered up the courage to ask him about it. He said "sexual activity is healthy.", but I didn't have the nerve to tell him I was still a virgin...

As an aside, this is rather common, and often happens from aggressive masturbation, or any other type of sexual activity, where the scrotum gets jostled around a lot.

 

[deleted3782]

Its a shame we feel the need to be one thing or another. Maybe your sexuality is simply as you described it. Maybe you enjoy women and one day you will feel like sex won't ruin a good friendship but will take it to the higher level. Maybe you are also excited by seeing nude men, or just like the thought of hanging out with other naked guys in a non sexual context.

Also, you might have a low sex drive...which is neither good nor bad, it just "is". That might be a part of why you are a virgin with women, and might also explain why you haven't explored anything with men.

If this is something that concerns you, or makes you feel uncertain about yourself, I would definitely talk about it with your doctor...keeping in mind that his word might not be the last word on the topic. You might want to get a second opinion too (as is smart with any medically-related issue).

You are obviously an intelligent and articulate guy, and I'm sure that you will figure things out by yourself and with input from others given some time. Don't worry about conforming to preconceived ideas about what constitutes straight, bisexual, and gay. Hopefully you are something of your own making...and that's what makes you interesting! :biggrin1:

 

[BIGBULL29]

You really remind me of ME (I reckon I'm not the only one).

I never really dated men or women in my life. A hand and mind is all I needed. Sexual confusion, fear of relationships, etc will naturally lead to the situation you're in. You have nothing to be ashamed of, or to feel inferior about. Sure, you may think you're cheating yourself a bit, but I'm afraid you're way too confused to be "looking" now. My main advice is: MOVE, and then things will get clearer and what you want will come more into focus.

These days, I'm focused on my spiritual and intellectual life to the abandonment of my sexual/relationship life. That's pretty way I want it, until I move again, which is hopefully soon.

You do what is comfortable for you now. Never pretend to be someone you are not, unless your life is at risk, etc (lol). We don't date or get married because everyone around is doing so. We don't get boyfriends and girlfriends, either, on account of societal pressures.

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what people think of you. That's really hard to believe and digest at first, but it's really, really, really true.

Be true to yourself. I am to myself. You'll only be much happier for it.

Take good care :smile:

 

[buzzrider7]

I agree strongly with the posts above (as many will here). Don't worry about what you "are", just worry about what makes you happy and comfortable. I'd strongly recommend trying things out. It sounds like you're more comfortable with women, so why not ask a girl out on a date? Get to know her, make out a bit, try out the perky breasts, see how it feels. I don't think there's any need to be ashamed of your virginity. Be honest about it. I think most women would greatly respect your honesty, and anybody worth dating would not judge you negatively because of it. I'd also be open about your arousal by naked men. I think a lot of people these days are open to the idea of sexuality being fluid, and not a black-and-white A or B. Hell, you might even find a cool girl to date who'd be willing to invite a guy along at some point to join you so that you can comfortably explore your male curiosity as well. I also think that a lot of guys here who have been sexual men will agree that the thought isn't always that comfortable at first (an odd combo of being turned on and a bit repulsed at the same time), but once you try it out, you may find that you like it a lot more than you thought.
In short, be honest to prospective dating partners, be true to yourself and have fun!

 

[arki]

Well that happens to me too, I looked at pics, to compare, growing up, and see the difference between cut and uncut, im uncut myself so it was an intresting topic, now and then i steel look at pics.
I dont know if the doc is the best peson to talk about that.
Im still confused, but i am dating more girls, and trying to be more open about anything with them, so im starting to be more intrested in girls.
so I think u just have to know people and do whatever you feel like

 

[beltboy]

I can relate...we should start a new support group/ club. But more and more comfortable with the shades of grey that exists in the spectrum of sexuality between black and white...no great answers to share, just do what feels real.

 

[BIGBULL29]

I can relate...we should start a new support group/ club.

It would be very healthy for sure. My sexuality was never black or white. I don't relate to either very gay or very straight people, even if I like them as friends.

 

[dong-in-khakis]

whatever you do just don't decieve yourself. Sexuality is somethig that won't be denied, either way.

 

[heavy-chevy]

Dude, I know just how you feel because I'm in the same boat. I'm 26, still a virgin and I haven't done anything with anyone yet. It's been tough as I'm now the only one out of my group of friends who hasn't gotten laid yet. But I to feel an attraction to both men and women. I always fantasy that my first time will be with a women but when I masturbate, I mostly look at guys. But sometimes I also look at straight porn to. Don't worry to much about it, you're not the only one.

 

[novice_btm]

Hey teen,

Just wanted to say that this is an excellent thread. It takes a lot of courage to address issues of sexuality, so I wanted to thank you for starting this, and thanks to everyone that has pitched in with support, and their own stories. At the very least, this should show you, and the rest of us too, that you're not alone, and there should always be some degree in comfort in that.

Thanks again to everyone!

 

[FuzzyKen]

There is noting wrong with you. Sexuality is a matter of exploration and is not a matter of instant anything. When the time is right you will explore and if and when it happens it will happen on it's own. When you see a member of the opposite sex that seems in some way receptive just leave the door open and see what happens. If you find a male in the same situation do the same thing. If you just do not pressure yourself in any particular direction you're better off.

It is far better to take your time and find yourself in a good relationship whatever it is than in a bad one because you tried to force some kind of behavior from yourself that you were not ready for.

There are many men who do not "hook up" early. There are many who for reasons of career or life-building just place interpersonal relationships on a back burner. For some this is the most sane and best thing to do.

I wish you luck.

 

[teen3309]

Thanks all for the support. Definitely feel more at ease with my situation. The different viewpoints have been helpful. I will try to be more open and just see where things lead. Feel free to continue posting your advice as it would be great to see this become a support thread for others struggling with the same situation.

 

[unknown_rican]

I don't think your gay. Because, if you were you'd been had sex with a male right now as a taker/bottom. I find myself struggling more with penis envy.

The root might be what you stated about the esteem issue of not being man enough. Might not being hung enough, macho, or whatever bravado you assume comes with being a male etc...

Gotta start gathering up more self confidence. But, you are not alone. We know women have self-image issues and insecurities. But, they never talk about male masculinity and what effects occur during our development.

Hang in there...

 

[Sergeant_Torpedo]

:smile:Oh stop your mithering! You have answered your own question - it is up to you. Good luck!:smile:

 

[B_625girth]

I'm almost 60 so when I grew up we did not have access to all like today. I remember looking at muscle bound guys in mags when I was early teens, wishing I could look like that, since I was so skinny. and I saw a few nude pics of hung guys, and thought how could they be that big, I'm so small. about that same time, I was noticing the female form more. the gal down the street washing the car, and the neighbor gal who "popped" a nice set of tits overnite it seemd, and now sunbathed in her back yard. 2 yrs later, I was still a skinny kid, well built but skinny, puberty was over or complete, and I had a bigger than average cock, but was shy. you really need to get laid. break the ice and just go from there. you are late bloomer in this regard.

 

[myjoystick]

I'm in a similar situation as you kid. People assume I am gay, but I have found myself attracted to women at one time, and at other times men. I am a virgin as well. Someone has told me I am more attracted to personalities more than genders, which I am beginning to believe more and more. Sexuality is an exploration, so take your time at your own pace. Eventually, you'll find your soulmate, male or female, and that is what matters.

 

[D_Harvey Schmeckel]

Self-definitions are like snakeskins that we shed periodically. I can understand the need/desire for a virgin to define his orientation in advance, hence to feel more secure about pursuing sexual experience. But experience has a way of leading us in unexpected directions, and self-definitions are continually being discarded and reinvented. There are many things about your sexual self that you will only learn through experience. Of course you're worried and confused in the absence of experience--we all are.

 

[mishiwaji]

i think what unkown rican said is true...if you are really gay..you would have experience with a male already...as for me..my first experience (when i was a teen) was with a older guy..and i loved it. as i grow older..i also felt the pressure given by society (and friends) to have a girlfriend,get married, and start a family. same as you, i also like looking at girls and would want to marry one someday..but for now...i live my life the way i am comfortable at..and never worry about what would be my future..whether i stay single or get married, coz the most important thing is..you are happy.

 

[BIGBULL29]

I don't think your gay. Because, if you were you'd been had sex with a male right now as a taker/bottom. I find myself struggling more with penis envy.

The root might be what you stated about the esteem issue of not being man enough. Might not being hung enough, macho, or whatever bravado you assume comes with being a male etc...

Gotta start gathering up more self confidence. But, you are not alone. We know women have self-image issues and insecurities. But, they never talk about male masculinity and what effects occur during our development.

Hang in there...

Absolutely! This is like pseudo-homosexuality. Lots and lots of dudes have this, but they would never admit it because society is still very sexually uneducated and repressed. What a man is is so narrowly defined. Women are not as much, giving them more leeway to assume more masculine roles.

Jealousy of other men can make us get a boner, particularly if they have big penises, great bodies, or even if they excude a very masculine aura they we don't have ourselves. So, it's not quite the same thing as real homosexual attraction, imho. There's a fine line, but there is a difference.