A confused 18-year old High School Senior. A big, confusing world. No one said this would be easy. Im not exactly sure where to begin, so lets start at the beginning. I cant say, I always knew something was different about me, or anything to that effect; I have always been just me. The true question is how do I fit into the world as just plain old me? For as long as I can remember, my interests have always been separated into two spheres: the desire to connect with women to have a relationship, and the physical/sexual attraction to men (only in the past two or so years have I questioned this, and I have given this particular thought over the summer). I had my share of elementary and middle school crushes, with most of those panning out in long-term platonic friendships. I have only had one girlfriend in High School (she was two years older, and we started dating in my Freshman year). She recently came out as a lesbian, and it is particularly interesting to note that at one point, while absently musing, we came to the conclusion that I [me] like the male aspects of you [her], and you like the female aspects of me! (we gave that little thought until the past few months, when we were thumbing through notes and generally reminiscing on how our relationship turned into an unshakable friendship). We only kissed (never any further), and though we both enjoyed that, we later both admitted that we never wanted to have any sort of sexual interaction with each other. Even now, I have an erratic feeling for a friend (who happens to be a girl). I feel that if we were to date, it would involve talking to each other a lot, going out to eat a lot, and maybe a little kissing (which is essentially what we do now as friends, save kissing). This fact is one that most perplexes me, and seems contradictory to what I will write below. Since the dawn of my masturbation era, I have never (not once in over a thousand times) become sexually aroused at the thought of a woman. I will admit that I got a little excited when kissing my now-lesbian girlfriend mentioned above, but I have never once thought about her or any female in any of my sexual fantasies. At about the ripe old age of 14, I did a little experimenting with a neighbor of the same age (and at the conclusion of one of our sessions, I spent a good ten minutes explaining to myself and to him that I was not gay). However, I have done nothing sexual with anyone since (male, female, or otherwise). I know that my sexual thirsts will be much better sated by a man, and I know that the thought of licking or penetrating a vagina disgusts me; at this juncture, I just cant see myself in a committed relationship with a man (and I could see myself dating women). I often ask myself, Wouldnt it just be easier to run the regular course? I have been reading through the archives on here to find answers to my questions, and, in my opinion, only a handful of threads that I have found particularly apply to me. (i.e. http://www.lpsg.org/10842-coming-to-terms-my-sexuality.html). And I think I drastically deviate from another recent post (http://www.lpsg.org/101015-am-i-bisexual-or-gay.html ) in the fact that I am not turned on by a womans body, and that I get excited at the thought of nearly every convention of gay sex. Perhaps one of my largest blocks is the fact that, at the age of 9-10, I was betrayed by someone I trusted. My moms then-boyfriend had a son (at the age of 15-16) who once took me to our back bedroom and showed me how to wrestle. This would involve him pinning me until I reached down his pants to touch his awaiting erect member. I will say that he never tried to touch me, and that I never saw him climax (Im assuming that he would always finish up in the bathroom or somewhere else). The only person I have ever told this story to is my oft-mentioned lesbian ex (mentioned above), to whom I hold much trust. Perhaps the most perplexing thought in my mind is that I cant say that I was repulsed by what he did. Even in my post-event dissection, Im still not sure whether, if I had total control to change past events of my life, if I would allow this to happen or not. To my horror, if I ever get a whiff of the brand of cologne that he wore, or if some event reminds me of him, I begin to get aroused. Did he make me gay? Did he enlighten me (though at that time, only subconsciously) to what I actually preferred? Am I a freak for having these types of questions? I have spent many a sleepless night turning these questions over in my head. I just wish to get these ideas together in my own mind before I take any more steps. My family is liberal/progressive and accepting (my aunt is gay, my stepdads sister is gay, and my family readily accepts my newly-out friends, both my lesbian ex and one of my other best friends, who came out in October of last year), so Im not worried in the slightest about being turned out onto the street without a home or a dollar to my name. But Im not particularly hot on the concept of coming out while in High School (that is, if I decide that I wish to label myself as gay, bi, etc.). Im not in a big rush to take steps, but I just want to know what (and who) I am into. Any thoughts and comments are appreciated. And whether or not you apply your $.02, thanks for taking the time to read my rather-long musing. One more thing: this took a lot of courage on my part to write and post this (even through the veil of anonymity that is the internet), so I would appreciate only constructive comments. Again, thanks!