Confused, need some insight!

[D_Roderick Beresford Stiffington IV]

For the last year some friends and I were throwing around the idea of going to a strip club. We were all very into it talking about it from time to time. Well two days ago was my friend's 19th bday so we planned to go to this nude club where 18 is the age to get in. So talking with this friend he seemed into it, until about a week before when things really seemed certain that we were going. Then he started to back away from it, not saying so directly but making up some poor excuses. He ultimately decided to go to some girls "Sweet 16" party, rather than hang out with some of his older guy friends at a nude strip club where I offered to pay for everything he wanted.

Needless to say me and my guy friends were pissed off and confused. We still ended up going without him since he bailed on us and it was a lot of fun. Then the bday boy starts telling us how he planned on going with other friends a week later. When that day came, he was "sick" and decided to stay home.

He is 19 years old, in excellent shape (Took 2nd place at a novice bodybuilding contest), hasn't had a girlfriend since 8th grade which he blames on his strict Korean parents, even though he goes out drinking with some other friends quite often on weekdays. He is a virgin, and at least portrays a very straight attitude with the way he talks about girls, etc.

I recently came out to him and some other close friends that I was a bisexual. Everyone but him was cool with it. It didn't bother him to the point where it hurt our friendship, but he was a lot more...questioning or disappointed, along those lines, rather than accepting and moving on with it. Now without even having gone to the strip club ever, he is claiming it is "a waste of time and money". Going ALL the time is a waste of money, thats my belief at least. But going for your first time with close friends on your bday and having fun, and getting paid for...definetly isn't a waste of time or money.

So what is the deal with my friend? The thought has passed my mind that he might be a very closested homosexual or bisexual...but I really don't think he is, as much as it might explain his behavior. When trying to figure this out I kinda thought about the character Vito from Sopranos, how he acts like a tough guy who likes women and is afraid to show any homosexuality to the point where he gets hostile and homophobic. Its very possible I guess, but again I just don't think thats the case. Beside what I already mentioned, what else would cause him to act like this?

 

[Rikter8]

Id say he's not sure yet what he wants....

So he's escaping the peer pressure situations until he can figure himself out.
I used to do that too...

Give him time, and dont take offense to it.
Moreso...let him tag along than anything.. if he wants to come..great, if not, no big deal.

Either that, or he's got social anxiety.

C

 

[dannymawg]

I can say I've been in your friend's shoes, if indeed the closet issue pans out. There's the very real possibility that he is challenged by both the strip club environment, and your openness, when he is probably gauging his own.

As far as an explanation that doesn't look at homosexuality - he might also be dealing with just plain ethical issues - not wanting to buy into the trade that degrades some people, being open to sexuality as a whole, etc.

Good question that I'd like to explore, to learn about the way I used to act, which again sounds like your friend's actions. I'll be watching this one.

 

[Royal_T]

He sounds like he's a pretty conservative guy, so could he maybe just think that watching women strip and dance is not a totally 'proper' or 'decent' thing to do?

If so, he might not want to tell you and your friends and risk offending you.

 

[aborcrmbe2]

He's gay and doesn't know it yet?

 

[Gillette]

He may not feel comfortable with public nudity even though it's not his own. He may be concerned that you'll want him to get a lap dance or somesuch. He might also just have a dim view of such establishments.

Regardless, he has his reasons, and the best way to figure them out is to ask him. Then respect those reasons, whatever they are, even if the best he can give you is a shrug.

 

[D_Roderick Beresford Stiffington IV]

He sounds like he's a pretty conservative guy, so could he maybe just think that watching women strip and dance is not a totally 'proper' or 'decent' thing to do?

I don't think thats it, he loves porn and talks like a guy that would enjoy a strip club. Its just when it came time to go he made up these excuses to avoid going. I don't think its any ethics things either, he goes drinking probably way too much as someone in the middle of a college semester should be. I'm not calling him an alcoholic, I'm just saying hes kinda relaxed drinking and hanging out with people.

Me and my friends think that he is also craving attention. We think thats why he possibly took up bodybuilding, he also recently got his ears pierced and is gonna be getting a tattoo soon. Not that any of those things are bad, but we think they're for attention more than anything else. He doesn't have any social problems. He's very popular with a lot of friends and he talks with girls...he just doesn't go out with them ever.

 

[dannymawg]

He's very popular with a lot of friends and he talks with girls...he just doesn't go out with them ever.

Waiting for Ms. Right? And not Ms. Right Now?

 

[D_Roderick Beresford Stiffington IV]

Waiting for Ms. Right? And not Ms. Right Now?

He's never once acted like that type of guy who is saving himself. He likes to make people think that he's a normal americanized teenager who has sex with girls, only he doesn't have sex. But again, he's never made a single mention of ethical reasons for avoiding a girlfriend. He just blames it on his strict parents...who aren't the least bit strict.

 

[Sergeant_Torpedo]

Dannyhorse, I have got to agree with you: sexploitation is unethical and anyone that buys into it as a "buddy thing" is surely more confused and misguided than a guy who doesn't need to pander to this trade. And why should the originator of this thread be so concerned with another's sexuality. Maybe your next "buddy bonding" should be a weekend flight to Spain to watch a bull fight or to Iran to witness a public execution.

 

[D_Roderick Beresford Stiffington IV]

Dannyhorse, I have got to agree with you: sexploitation is unethical and anyone that buys into it as a "buddy thing" is surely more confused and misguided than a guy who doesn't need to pander to this trade. And why should the originator of this thread be so concerned with another's sexuality. Maybe your next "buddy bonding" should be a weekend flight to Spain to watch a bull fight or to Iran to witness a public execution.

Were having a somewhat interesting discussion here. Why do you feel the need to change topic and make a personal attack on me when you don't know me?

As for my wanting to know of his sexuality, its pure curiosity as a bisexual male. I've known him for about 8 years and just curious of all his "odd" behavior as of late. If you think stripping is unethical you're more than welcomed to your opinion. This was our first time going, it was a fun experience. End of story. I see your occupation is "military". I could make a lot of outrageous accusations about your personal character as well but since I don't know you I won't do something like that. I'm a 21 year old guy who had fun at a strip club, what is so wrong about that?

 

[dannymawg]

Dannyhorse, I have got to agree with you: sexploitation is unethical and anyone that buys into it as a "buddy thing" is surely more confused and misguided than a guy who doesn't need to pander to this trade. And why should the originator of this thread be so concerned with another's sexuality. Maybe your next "buddy bonding" should be a weekend flight to Spain to watch a bull fight or to Iran to witness a public execution.

It's hard for me to explain my views on ethics, when the minute one lays eyes on any form of porn (or erotica, to split hairs), the connection needed to call it sexploitation is completed. I could be wrong, but I would think this would apply to online porn as well as live-in-person porn, i.e., a strip club. With that in mind, I've viewed enough porn to not make any judgement call on ethics.

All I can say is from experience - I've been to my share of strip clubs and bachelor parties. Because I valued the basic socialization, I played up a straight role so I wasn't being a downer on my friends for their judgement or lack thereof. I didn't want my sexuality inhibiting what fun was being had, ethical or not. In doing this I damaged my own sexuality, and OXT's friend's actions as described hit a chord. I always saw the hatred and the indifference in women's faces when going to places like that, and it correlates to what the industry does to them... but I digress.

Also, OXT and his friend are young - going to strip clubs or otherwise is what is expected of straight young men - Bettie Page comes to mind immediately as an example. While I don't think we should harsh on that so soon, or harsh on why one would question another's sexuality beyond a healthy curiosity, what I think OXT's question here is simply what's making his friend's mind tick. I think that's respectful as a buddy.

 

[virusss]

I am a virgin and don't goto clubs and don't want to. I'm not at all attracted to guys. I haven't had a girlfriend since 10th grade. I used to lift weights.

A lot of similarities between your friend and I, though I don't talk about girls really and don't get grossed out by homosexuals.

Take this information for whatever its worth...

And you can always ask your friend if he is attracted to guys, bi, gay, whatever. Just make sure its in private so he doesn't feel the need to defend himself strongly in the company of his macho buddies.

Good luck.

 

[dreamer20]

the idea of going to a strip club... a week before we were going he started making up some poor excuses. He went elsewhere ...

Me and my friends were pissed off and confused. We went without him and it was a lot of fun. Then the bday boy told us how he planned on going with other friends a week later. When that day came, he was "sick" and decided to stay home.

He hasn't had a girlfriend since 8th grade which he blames on his strict parents, even though he goes out drinking with some other friends quite often on weekdays. He is a virgin, and at least portrays a very straight attitude with the way he talks about girls, etc.

I recently came out to him et al that I was a bisexual. Everyone but him was cool with it. He was a lot more...questioning or disappointed, along those lines, rather than accepting and moving on with it. Re: the strip club he is claiming it is "a waste of time and money".

So what is the deal with my friend? What would cause him to act like this?

Going to a strip club is not his idea of fun. You failed to respect his wishes and have been hagging him to go. Face the fact that he sees those activities as sleazy and disgusting and you see them as fun. Your bi coming out did not hurt the friendship. Don't let this difference of opinion of his hurt the friendship either.

Now what follows is purely speculation on my part:

If his parents do not allow dating it is possible that they might arrange a marriage for him someday i.e. they will bring prospective candidates for him to chat with and if the two hit it off there will be a marriage. You could ask him in confidence if this custom is a part of his culture.

From now on don't pressure him over going to the strip club anymore. That is a dead issue where he is concerned.

 

[D_Roderick Beresford Stiffington IV]

I am a virgin and don't goto clubs and don't want to. I'm not at all attracted to guys. I haven't had a girlfriend since 10th grade. I used to lift weights.

A lot of similarities between your friend and I, though I don't talk about girls really and don't get grossed out by homosexuals.

Thank you for bringing this up, I realize that if you have a penis and are attracted to women that you may not enjoy the thought or idea of a strip club. I completely understand the reasons why someone wouldn't be into it. The thing with him though is that he talks as if he's been with a lot of girls, he likes to make things up and brag and he was borderline homophobic when I told him in private that I was a bisexual.

I'm fairly certain if I did ask him if he was gay or bi he would get very defensive now matter how delicately I approached the situation. From the years I've been talking with him and the amount of personal information we've shared I know that he knows he could tell me anything. He always says that I'm the "most open person he knows". Obviously he's never been on LPSG =P. I honestly do not think he is gay or bi, and thats why I wanted to come here and get different points of views from people like yourself, who might be similar to him in some ways and also be against a night out at a strip club.

 

[D_Roderick Beresford Stiffington IV]

Going to a strip club is not his idea of fun. You failed to respect his wishes and have been hagging him to go. Face the fact that he sees those activities as sleazy and disgusting and you see them as fun. Your bi coming out did not hurt the friendship. Don't let this difference of opinion of his hurt the friendship either.

This is the whole point of my post. My friend acts as though he wants to go to a strip club. Not to degrade any women but my friend talks like any other male who will ogle a women or talk amongst others guys as if they were a piece of meat. He has voiced no distaste for strip clubs at all, he was the one who brought up going roughly a year ago saying how hot it would be to see girls dancing in front of us.

My friend acts like he wants to do these things, for the longest time he talks to me saying "Hook me up with a girl" or "Lets go to strip club"...and when I try to get him a girl he makes up excuses to get out of it, and when the strip club idea became a reality he made up excuses to get out of that. I would be perfectly content if he said "I'm not comfortable going to a strip club, can we do something else?" But he doesn't, he has never once made any sort of statement that he is the type of guy who finds it objectionable.

Thats the point of this post, I was curious for what reasons other than him possibly being a closeted homosexual or bisexual would he act as if he wants these things then back off from them when they become reality.

 

[reallyhot]

Seem's to me people usually become hostile or resistant if they're
feeling threatend or afraid.
Or he may be extremel shy...
Could be as simple as being afraid for some reason.
He may have felt cornered and lashed out...
Might be as simple as him being afraid of popping a boner...
He may have been humiliated in the past because of his size?
If it's very large, he might be embarrased about what could happen
if it would'nt deflate. and it's way out there for all to see
..or vice versa it might be a case of teenie weenie...
and he's self conscious about it either way?
Have you seen his size?

 

[dreamer20]

Thats the point of this post, I was curious for what reasons other than him possibly being a closeted homosexual or bisexual would he act as if he wants these things then back off from them when they become reality.

He talks the talk like you do. However when you call his bluff he reveals the his latent frightened virgin state. He's thinking "I have no sexual experience. I'm going to be terrible in bed and disappoint a girl. Then that girl will tell everyone I was bad in bed and have a small penis( maybe he does). I'll be utterly humilated if that happens." There are people who are afraid of open spaces. He is afraid of strip clubs. He is also afraid of sexual encounters as a virgin would be. Society doesn't want a man to admit he is afraid of something. So he puts on this false bravado to fool you, but he could not fool you forever.

 

[Matthew]

Orbitz, it's possible there are other explanations, although you may very well have hit on the right one. He's obviously concealing something. You will never know unless you have some kind of heart to heart with him. I don't know how close you two are as friends, so it's hard to say if he would be ready or willing to open up. The other question for you is why the need to find out? He may be gay, and in that case you will probably find out eventually. If there is some other reason, perhaps he will confide in you if you two are close enough.

If you're just curious, I would let it go until he's ready to talk. If you're worried that something is eating at him, approach him alone and tell him that you've noticed his behavior and you want him to know he can open up to you if he wants to talk about it, and that you will keep it strictly between you.

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

The guy just turned 19. He may not know who he is, and what he wants in life. Maybe, he body builds for his own esteem. Some do some don't. Why not love him for who he is and lay off on the strip club stuff. Maybe, he is really bashful and uncomfortable in those situations. Give him time to grow up. I know some 25 year olds who can barely put their drawers on correctly. He needs to become stronger in his own identity. Nobody knows what's going on inside his mind and heart.
Pops has learned so much through my current job. Peeps of all shapes, sizes, persuasions carry things deep inside they don't show. Some of the most cheerful acting people carry horrible heartache.