Confused Sexuality

Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by Slamdunk_dude, Jul 16, 2005.

  1. Slamdunk_dude

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    Hey guys (and gals), this is my first post... (sorry in advance if its really long!)

    I'm an 18 year old guy and have been questioning my sexuality for a few years now, its been a long and painful process and I still don't seem to be any closer to becoming comfortable with myself (or even knowing what I am)
    I have ALWAYS known that I am not entirely straight and for a while I thought I was gay. I even began to accept it (most people assume I am gay upon first meeting me and many long established friends have long had their suspicions lol)

    Recently I have realised that I am only attracted to guys in a purely sexual sense eg: I feel that I have no desire to have a relationship with one and do not think i could fall in love with another man. ALL my past sexual experiences and relationships have been with girls (and I have REALLY enjoyed them), I have never even kissed another guy. In some respects I was trying to deny that I am still attracted to women in order to identify myself as "gay" rather than "bisexual". I am sexually and emotionally attracted to women but sexually attracted to men also, but have had no experience.

    My dilemma lies here: I feel like I have been keeping my attraction to men secret for my entire life (while people have suspected that I am gay I have always maintained otherwise) I am at the point in my life now where I want to be open with everyone about who i am and who i am attracted to, but how can i do this if i don't even know myself? I recently read an article which stated that bisexuality in men is a myth and that they are in denail of being gay or straight!! I feel like if i tell people that I am bisexual they will assume that I am gay and lying (or in denial). I know that sexuality is a hard thing to categorize but I just wish that I knew if I was gay or bi (or if bi even exists!)
    I feel like I want to "come out" but what do I say "Dad, I'm gay", "Dad I'm bisexual" or "Dad I'm sexually attracted to men and women but don't know if I'm bisexual or a homosexual in denial, I just wanted to let you know" lol

    Sorry if this post sounds ridiculous, I just want to be able to tell my friends when I see a hot guy.......... (or girl) aaaaaaagh

    Thanks for listening!
     
  2. madame_zora

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    Slamdunk, I hear you there. It's hard for many young people to identify their sexuality, and by all means it speaks well of you that you're trying. I know you will get some good insights here, but one of my favorite things is what Nixxy said. He said "I am sexual, not hetero or homo", something like that. I think that's a good way to look at it. Since you haven't had any experience with men yet, who knows how you'll feel if and when you do, so why worry about it? If you feel a need to come out to your family, then tell them the truth, that you have questions about your sexuality and don't know where you stand. That's a good enough explaination for anyone, and I hope you have the needed support of family and friends.

    Don't pressure yourself to conform to other people's ideologies of who or what you should be- rather take the time for self-discovery. I'm sure you'll find the journey an enlightening one. Best of luck, Jana.
     
  3. Ineligible

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    I think that article was extremely dubious - I wouldn't worry about it. It seems that the "men for sex, women for love" type of bisexuality is not at all uncommon.

    Labels are useful for conveying information in a convenient little package, but if none of the standard ones work, don't worry - it just points up the inadequacy of the labels. Invent a new word for yourself, if you like. :)
     
  4. Slamdunk_dude

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    Thanks very much guys, I think in some ways I just needed some reassurance that it wasn't all in my head. That quote about just being "sexual" is so true. I'm not attracted to the gender but to the particular person if that makes sense?
    I may take up your advice Madame_Zora and say that I am confused, its just a very difficult thing to bring up! I have wanted to so many times!! I think at the back of their minds some members of my family already know but don't want to ask me.
    I hate the labels that people feel that they have to conform to, its just very hard to accept that none of the labels fit you!

    Thanks again very much
     
  5. db03

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    That boy is a genius! :yourock:
     
  6. dufus

    dufus New Member

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    Slamdunk_dude,

    Here is a failproof way to identify your sexuality. When you masterbate (and who doesn't?), what are your fantasies? If your fantasies are males, you are gay. If your fantasies are females, you are straight. If your fantasies are both males and females, you must be bi. If you don't masturbate or have fantasies when you masturbate, I guess my rule won't work.

    Personally, I get emotionally involved almost exclusively with females, but my sexual fantasies exclusively involve males. I have never been out to a female, and I can't count the number who have been hurt by my failure to respond to their romantic overtures. Their subsequent rejection of me has hurt me tremendously. I guess my best advice is to be out to everyone if you don't want to be hurt or to hurt them.
     
  7. Altairion

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    dufus, that is generally good advice to give, but I think slam already mentioned that he was only attracted to men in a sexual way, but not emotionally. So it could be very likely that he thinks of both when he jacks off, but when confronted in a relationship that would be more likely to define his sexuality in the long run....then the emotional factor has to come in.

    For now slam, just stick around and hang out with people. There are plenty of people who have gone through the same feelings that you have, and at least one person is always willing to step up and give advice. Maybe you just need some new perspectives to consider yourself, or just some time to come to conclusions. Either way, it's great to see you here, and I hope you stick around.
     
  8. Slamdunk_dude

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    Hey guys,
    thanks for replying, it really means a lot that I can talk to people about this so openly. In reply to dufus' question its kind of confusing, some days i only want to jack off thinking about dudes, other days (like today!) only girls and other days both! Its just as confusing for me to go through as it is for other people to understand :(

    today was a Jessica Simpson day lol :evilgrin:

    Altairion, thanks for your advice. I am hoping to stick around for a while, its good to hear other peoples opinions
     
  9. Rikter8

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    You wouldnt be the first one on the LPSG that has thought that.

    Right now you are very young, and I wouldnt stick to any side just yet.

    Wait to see what develops.

    Either way you go - you are A-OK, and don't forget it.

    Theres nothing wrong with being Gay, and don't let peer pressure influence you in any way.

    It did me, and I regret it to this day.

    Just take it in stride right now, Have fun with it (But be safe!!!).

    If you want, Try kissing a guy - one that your sexually attracted to...
    It may open doors that you never knew existed..

    You think your confused now? LOL wait a few years.
    Hang in there bud, Life was never a yes or no answer.
    C
     
  10. headbang8

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    Slamdunk_dude,

    We get this question here on the LPSG all the time. Many young men respond sexually to other males but find it difficult to imagine a deeper emotional connection. For this, they feel more comfortable with women.

    I don't want to speak for all my fellow posters here, but I'll hazard a generalisation. Our replies tend toward acknowledging these young men as bisexuals--if, indeed, they really feel they need a label. And they get plenty of encouragement to explore* their sexuality in all its glorious colour and subtlety, whatever flavour it might turn out to be. For the purposes of "coming out" to curious relatives and friends, exploring, adventurous, or open minded are honest and useful phrases.

    In your case, several of the wise, candid men and women who form part of this community have given you sound advice. Apply it, and enjoy!

    That said, I sometimes feel that many of the misgivings young not-quite-straight men harbour about a male-to-male emotional relationship stems from the simple fact that they've never seen one, and don't now how it's supposed to make you feel.

    Our culture tells us that two males are supposed to fight--either against or alongside one another. A relationship between two men is unimaginable because we simply don't know where to start imagining it. How it looks, how it's supposed to feel, how much it's supposed to resemble the way men and women relate to each other. (On the last front, here's a tip: it isn't)

    To all these young men---and to you, too, Slambo--I say that it's healthy to experiment sexually with men if you feel so attracted. But it's also healthy to experiment emotionally with them. Spend quality time with them, asking yourself how you feel in their company, whether you're more than just friends or fuck-buddies. To your surprise, you might find yourself falling in love with a guy. But you'll never know unless you enter every encounter with both an open mind, and an open heart.

    My own relationship is like straight marriage in many practical respects, but my partner and I behave toward each other in ways that men would surely not behave with a woman. And y'know what? It's all good.

    HB8


    *Always safely, of course.
     
  11. headbang8

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    Oh yeah, by the way. Got to disagree respectfully with dufus. Porn is a bad tool for working out your sexuality. I could get aroused by anything when I was young.

    Today, I found I had to spank down a boner while browsing the real estate section of the Sydney Morning Herald.

    Go figure.
     
  12. Slamdunk_dude

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    headbang and Rikter, thanks for your replies. What you both said is very insightful and helpful for me. I know the way to go is to explore but this seems quite daunting and in some respects I suppose I am afraid of what I might discover.
    It is true that maybe I am too young and have not had enough experience to fully understand myself yet. I feel that if, in time, i did feel that I was gay I would be open about it to everyone. I am certainly aware that there is nothing "wrong" with being gay, I have been lucky enough to grow up in a very tolerant environment (with a few exceptions of course)

    I guess I just have to stop agonising, analysing and trying to classify myself and just let things happen

    You have certainly made me feel a lot better and at ease with myself

    Thank you very much
     
  13. absinthium

    absinthium New Member

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    First and foremost, welcome to the forum... I hope you have fun and feel comfortable posting... This place is a great resource for both information and entertainment.

    Now, it sounds to me like you are bi. It does, indeed exist. It does for me, at least. Haha. My advice, however, would be to have an encounter with a male, and then evaluate how you feel. You might not like it and decide you don't like sex with men, after all. You might love it and realize you are bi. Either way, I think it will help you sort out a lot of things.
    I know it can be tough to identify as bi - especially as a guy. I think people are more quick to judge a guy who claims to be bisexual and assume he's denying his homosexuality. But does it really matter what others think? If you do identify as bisexual, I think it would be more valuable to live your life as you choose rather than try to live up to what other people's expectations are.
    I'd hold off on telling anyone close to you until you have it totally sorted out yourself, and feel confident that's what's right for you.
    If you ever need someone to talk about this stuff with, I'm on here, as well as hundreds of other supportive souls, and we discuss sexual orientation quite frequently. I feel like there's a really good mix of gay, straight, and bi members on here, and it's great being able to get that many different perspectives.

    Good luck with this. I hope you're able to get some peace of mind.
     
  14. absinthium

    absinthium New Member

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    Oh, and I forgot to mention that that makes complete and total sense, and just happens to be exactly the way I am.
    I've often said my sexual preference is "pretty", and I have a lot of different definitions for it. It's an "I know it when I see it" kind of thing.

    So you totally are not alone in your feelings, and there's nothing weird about it.
    It just means you get a lot more options. :)
     
  15. Pye

    Pye
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    It sounds just like I wsa writting that myself-- and I'm anxious to hear other replies as I still don't have an idea
     
  16. jonb

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    Well, the plus side is that your parents might already know. I have several cousins who are gay/bi, and even before they came out, everyone knew. But I think that kind of perfect gaydar's more a cultural thing.

    Most likely the simple answer is to say "Dad, I'm into guys. I really enjoy girls, but I'm also into guys."
     
  17. Pappy

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    Just be yourself and do whatever feels right (do it safely) to you. When you get it all figured out then let us know cause some of folks are still trying to figure it all out.
     
  18. Rikter8

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    Ah... the Coming out issue.

    Thats the single most difficult point in your gay life...in my mind.

    Its not something to take Lightly at all.

    You need to think about it from every aspect, and every relationship angle.

    Even though you "think" people are OK with it...things could go south quickly.

    My advice is to tread very lightly while you are young, and don't "Come Out" until you are sure what you want, AND you've had a feel for who will be accepting of it or not.
    This meaning, doing tests, and probing around.

    Don't be suprised if you loose friends, because its a true test of friendship, and love.
    C
     
  19. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

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    "yeah...no shit" hahah..thats funny.
     
  20. big_red737

    big_red737 Member

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    I am 22 and I had the same dilemma as you,Slamdunk. I didn't know what or who I was sexually until I was about 20 years old, when it finally started to seem logical in my brain. I will start back at the beginning with my story...

    When I was in Grade 9, I beleive 15 years old, I started a relationship with a girl, a friend of mine. At first it was one of those giddy, high school crush, type of relationships. I was excited because I had a girlfriend. Early on it sort of felt as though I was using this relationship as a front to cover homosexuality, using to try and deny to myself and everyone who called me gay, that I wasn't gay, that I am straight and I have the relationship to prove it. However, as we continued dating, I fell in love with this girl. I know it sounds lame since I was only 15 or 16, how do I know what love is right? But we went through so much together, so many important life moments. Deep down though, I still knew that I had a sexual attraction to guys. I would look at gay porn on the internet, fantasize about guys while masturbating. When I was 17, we decided to have sex for the first time, and I would even think about guys then, while still enjoying being with her. I finally told her this, that I like to look at gay porn, think about guys, etc, and she was ok with this, it didn't really change anything in the relationship. I think she also knew, deep down, that I was somewhat gay.

    We "split-up" when we both went off to college after graduating high school. I still talk to her and we are still best friends. However, living on my own, gave me the privacy and piece of mind to be able to seriously think about who I am , sexually and let me understand myself better. I began to notice that my homosexuality began taking a stronger hold on me than my heterosexuality. I believe this was because I was repressed for sooooo long. I grew up in a closed-minded, conservative small town, not pleasent. Having this ability to think about myself and understand who I am really helped me. I was always surrounded by warm, loving people who could care less if someone was gay or not. They were very open. It was during this time, that I realized that I still have feelings for girls, that I could potentially see myself in a relationship with another girl. I also began to see myself in serious relationships with guys too. At first, I was like you, I couldn't see myself with a guy for reasons other than sex, but that changed as I matured mentally.

    So I now see myself as mostly gay with a little straight mixed in there sometimes. I decided it was best that I come out to my family, I was tired of holding it in and keeping it secret. So I did it about a year ago, when I was 21. My three sisters all pretty much knew, and my parents were OK with it, my father taking it harder than my mother of course. I just gave them their space to deal with it and it got easier for them. I didn't live at home, so it made the situation that much easier for them and myself. It gave them time to adjust and now they try their best to be supportive, albeit a bit awkward at times...

    So my advice to you is that you don't have to but a label on yourself if you don't think one fits. Sexuality is something that varies greatly from person to person. Within each of us, it can vary tremendously as well. Variation and diversity exists throughout all of nature on this planet, just look around. Human beings are no different. If you feel the need to "come out" then do it, you will be a lot happier. Acutally admitting it outloud to my friends really helped me accept it myself, even though they pretty much already knew!

    We will go through times when we aren't sure of who we are, but in time it will become more clear and we will understand.

    As an additional resource to help you on this journey, you could try researching some of Dr. Kinsey's work. He was a doctor working in the 40's and 50's and did a massive sexual behaviour study. He came up with what is know as, The Kinsey Scale. This may not be appropriate for everyone, but it helped me. It's a sexuality scale. You can also rent the movie called "Kinsey" with Liam Neeson. It was very well done. It may help you feel better about this whole situation and help you better understand youself.

    Good Luck and don't worry, the answers will come.

    Sorry for the long post everyone ;)
     
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