Confused Sexuality

[Pene_Negro_Grande]

Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Aug 9 2005, 08:13 PM
Hey Pene,
There is no point in you telling people if you aren't ready and/or don't feel the need to. The only reason I did was that it was driving me crazy at that point in time, plus I am a very open person and find it hard to keep things to myself.
Recently I have been focusing on the issue a LOT and considering whether I should say anything to my family, I'm still in the same position I was and don't really know what I would say to them (its very different with friends as I'm sure you understand). It's so hard to describe but when I'm around my family and they say things like "are there any girls you're interested in?" I just feel like blurting everything out!
It's so difficult, some days I can't stop looking at girls and other days at boys. One very good thing that has come from this board is learning to accept yourself totally. I have reconciled myself to the fact that my attraction to guys is another facet of my personality/ sexuality and should not be something i am ashamed or embarrased about. I am gradually becoming more open with it in public eg: saying to people when I think a guy is good-looking wheras before I would never have dared. I am also aware that it is impossible to have all the answers now. After speaking to my friends I came to the conclusion that sexuality can easily shift over time, I may well turn out to be (to use the dreaded labels) totally gay, totally straight, or as I am right now, somewhere in the middle!
These issues are so hard to articulate
I'm just so glad this board is back up and running!

[post=334122]Quoted post[/post]​

Totally agree with you...I felt like telling my friend not because I was ready but to help him realize that he was not alone because he was getting a little unstable about his situation...I myself am pretty comfortable with my sexuality and have a lot of great friends who except me for who I am...And I guess I got it pretty cool because the straight guys I hang with are pretty comfortable with their sexuality too so we don't have problems complimenting ourselves or other guys if we think they are goodlooking or something...Trying to describe my sexuality is very difficult like yourself...I just know I like women more than men but I do like men too but just not the same way sexually...I just enjoy it and not think about it too much...That is what works for me...

 

[Sabln7]

Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude+Jul 27 2005, 06:58 AM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Slamdunk_dude &#064; Jul 27 2005, 06:58 AM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-coolioc@Jul 27 2005, 07:42 AM


I just wish other than here (although it&#39;s great to share here and listen) that I had people in "real life" to share these thoughts when they come up. I wish I were as comfortable with friends as slamdunk_dude was to be able to share this part of my life with.

[post=332027]Quoted post[/post]​

Hey coolioc,

Bear in mind that I have only spoken to 3 people about this. Please don&#39;t be under the misconception that everyone knows. It wasn&#39;t easy either, it took literally an hour of one friend telling me that he "wouldn&#39;t hate me" before I would say anything. I was just at a point where I had to tell someone. You may not be at that point yet. Don&#39;t pressure yourself and rest assured that plenty of people feel the way that we do, you can always voice any concerns here.


Be very cautious with whom you share your feelings. I have had friendships destroyed when I shared these feelings too quickly. Granted, this was years ago when I was younger and society was more close minded. However, to be safe with a friend you want to keep, don&#39;t tell too much too fast.
Good luck and don&#39;t worry too much


Slamdunk_dude

[post=332029]Quoted post[/post]​

[/b][/quote]

 

[Sabln7]

Originally posted by Sabln7+Aug 10 2005, 05:13 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Sabln7 &#064; Aug 10 2005, 05:13 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'>

Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Jul 27 2005, 06:58 AM
<!--QuoteBegin-coolioc

@Jul 27 2005, 07:42 AM


I just wish other than here (although it&#39;s great to share here and listen) that I had people in "real life" to share these thoughts when they come up. I wish I were as comfortable with friends as slamdunk_dude was to be able to share this part of my life with.

[post=332027]Quoted post[/post]​

Hey coolioc,

Bear in mind that I have only spoken to 3 people about this. Please don&#39;t be under the misconception that everyone knows. It wasn&#39;t easy either, it took literally an hour of one friend telling me that he "wouldn&#39;t hate me" before I would say anything. I was just at a point where I had to tell someone. You may not be at that point yet. Don&#39;t pressure yourself and rest assured that plenty of people feel the way that we do, you can always voice any concerns here.


Be very cautious with whom you share your feelings. I have had friendships destroyed when I shared these feelings too quickly. Granted, this was years ago when I was younger and society was more close minded. However, to be safe with a friend you want to keep, don&#39;t tell too much too fast.
Good luck and don&#39;t worry too much


Slamdunk_dude

[post=332029]Quoted post[/post]​

[post=334301]Quoted post[/post]​

[/b][/quote]

Sorry, I put my answer in the middle of slamdunck&#39;s message. Here is my repy separated from his.

Be very cautious with whom you share your feelings. I have had friendships destroyed when I shared these feelings too quickly. Granted, this was years ago when I was younger and society was more close minded. However, to be safe with a friend you want to keep, don&#39;t tell too much too fast.
Good luck and don&#39;t worry too much

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by coolioc@Jul 27 2005, 07:42 AM
However, to be safe with a friend you want to keep, don&#39;t tell too much too fast.
Good luck and don&#39;t worry too much

[post=334303]Quoted post[/post]​

Thats very good advice Coolioc.

 

[jonb]

Yeah, coming out can be difficult. It&#39;s easier in my generation, since everyone&#39;s more educated now. But be careful who you talk to. Okay, some ground rules:

If there&#39;s already a gay/lez/bi member of their family, that helps.
Women are more open to the idea than men.

 

[Slamdunk_dude]

Thanks for everyones replies, I&#39;m just gonna see how it goes. It&#39;s actually kind of a challenge dropping hints. Today I told my dad that I thought a guy on TV was "really handsome" that might not sound like much to you, but it was for me&#33;&#33;
Dear Sabln, I am well aware that I should be cautious whom I tell, I am not rushing anything, however I am of the opinion that any friend who will allow our friendship to be "destroyed" by my being honest with them was never a friend to begin with.
I have been very lucky that the people I have told so far have been very supportive.

 

[steve319]

Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Aug 10 2005, 09:34 PM
....I am not rushing anything, however I am of the opinion that any friend who will allow our friendship to be "destroyed" by my being honest with them was never a friend to begin with.

[post=334401]Quoted post[/post]​

I&#39;d agree with that for the most part--if their love for you is that fragile, they may not be someone you can count on when the stakes are high.

But I&#39;d also suggest thinking about it in terms of educating your friends and family. Sometimes you have to teach in stages, making sure he/she is ready to handle that particular lesson at that moment. Sounds from your "handsome" comment that you understand that perfectly.

There are otherwise worthwhile people in my life who are still mired in the ugly lessons taught by our culture, and helping bring them out of all that is a gradual process sometimes. Helping bring about this societal change is our responsibility. As angry and frustrated as I get, I know it&#39;s counterproductive to think in terms of just tossing aside the less-enlightened majority and hope they&#39;ll just fade away or die.

(cue the lovable Dr.Rock :happy

Have I mentioned how much I love this thread? Good stuff.

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

Interesting thread.

I myself have not told anyone that often, (in my own words) I find myself thinking "nice ass" and it&#39;s a guy...

The only place that knows is LPSG.

I have been thinking about telling somebody, maybe a freind, but, Im not sure if I really need to or not, Ive pretty much worked things out in my head, so I dont really need to bounce my thoughts and feelings off anyone else.

Perhaps it would make things easier, perhaps not. I suppose it would all depend who I told... (mentally scans list of friends)... hmm... maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and wait for Uni to start. :/

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by steve319@Aug 11 2005, 03:45 PM
There are otherwise worthwhile people in my life who are still mired in the ugly lessons taught by our culture, and helping bring them out of all that is a gradual process sometimes. Helping bring about this societal change is our responsibility. As angry and frustrated as I get, I know it&#39;s counterproductive to think in terms of just tossing aside the less-enlightened majority and hope they&#39;ll just fade away or die.

(cue the lovable Dr.Rock :happy

Have I mentioned how much I love this thread? Good stuff.

[post=334527]Quoted post[/post]​

Have I mentioned how much I love what you just posted :happy: :yourock:

 

[Slamdunk_dude]

Great advice steve&#33;
It&#39;s so great to get everyones perspectives on this. SomeGuyOverThere, maybe just wait until you feel like you want to tell someone, if you don&#39;t ever feel that way there is nothing wrong with that. Do what is best for you, thats just my opinion

 

[B_Hung Muscle]

I guess I agree with what our straight colleagues say about being careful whom you tell and having to educate people, but I think these sage suggestions need one caveat. Eventually, you get to the place where you realize not everyone is educable and you frankly stop caring.

The manner in which you tell someone is going to affect their reaction to the "news." If you get all squirrely and embarrassed and make a big huge drama about it, the reaction will be hesitance and reluctance to fully embrace it. If you tell people you&#39;re gay matter-of-factly, clearly, unambiguously and shamelessly, they will react in the same way. If they don&#39;t, that&#39;s where the education comes in. Or not.

My empirical evidence for this? Only having to go through this about 3000 times. Coming out a lifelong journey and you&#39;re just taking the first wonderful external steps. But "coming out" is such a misnomer as 90 percent of it occurs internally. You seem to have gotten to a good place all by yourself. Follow your own gut and go with it.

PS I have some really cute friends to fix you up with once you&#39;re ready...

 

[robertomuro]

I personally find labels cause people to think of these things as boxes you have to fit into. You&#39;re either Gay, str8 or bi (or some other varied variety such as transvestite etc..). There are many people who obviously don&#39;t clearly fit into these boxes and feel compelled to try and force themselves into one of them.

My advice, don&#39;t label yourself and do what feels right to you. Don&#39;t feel compelled to tell people if you don&#39;t wish to. This is not a prerequisite for anything I am aware of. It can be a very confusing time but experiment (safely of course) and hopefully you will soon have a clearer idea.

 

[steve319]

Originally posted by Hung Muscle@Aug 11 2005, 02:04 PM
Eventually, you get to the place where you realize not everyone is educable and you frankly stop caring.

I&#39;d agree with that too. At some point, you have to go on with your life and not let it impede you. It&#39;s a complex matter, isn&#39;t it? Sort of like behaving professionally at the office vs. subverting your nature as a sexual being. Narrow path to walk.

 

[Pene_Negro_Grande]

Great advice...And I like what someone said that - you have to come out to yourself internally first...And like someone said if your friends react or treat you differently than before - they really aren&#39;t the friends you need in your life...Good luck...

 

[Lex]

SO true, Pene. The first step is being honest with yourself and being OKAY with who you are. This can take a LONG time. It is a critical step and should not be skipped or rushed through. Once I came to terms wtih who I was as a man, I felt (and have felt) better that I ever believed I could feel. All the angst and depression and irritation just washed away. Truly an uplifting experience (for me).

 

[drgnma413]

Wow it wasn&#39;t untill reading this thread that I could put my feelings in perspective. Thanks Slamdunk_dude for starting this one. Like many of the other guys and their replies here, I have found myself in my own similar situation. It wasn&#39;t untill half-way through last year and most of this summer(of self experimentation) that I really started to put things together....I&#39;ve "done it" to gay porn before and felt attractions to people (men and women) around me. The sad thing is the difficulty I experience in acting towards either much less telling people about it. To save a long story and an explaination why comming out to my family and some of my friends feels like the stupidest thing I could ever do, this entire thread has allowed me to come to a decission... This year I will strongly focus on my first interest which was in women but if I get the opportunity again(believe it or not) then I will make every attempt not to hold back anymore. My entire college experience so far has been taking off all the shackles of my home life. Lets hope something happens before I hit 21 next summer and loose all my self respect(not all but a lot of it)

 

[Slamdunk_dude]

Hey drgnma,

It&#39;s a tough thing to work out, but I have found a huge amount of support through this forum. You seem to be coming to terms with some complex feelings, don&#39;t feel the need to rush to any conclusions, figuring things out can often be the hardest but also most rewarding part...may I ask, if it is not too personal, why you feel you would lose all self respect at 21?

Slamdunk_dude

 

[Daniel1]

Here is a quote from www.JackinWorld.com

Am I gay?
This is one of the most common questions young guys ask themselves. The truth is, very few of us are 100% straight (or 100% gay). Lots of heterosexual men have fantasies about other guys, sometimes at the peak of orgasm, and this leaves them feeling very insecure. It&#39;s one of the most carefully kept secrets in male society. (But not on JackinWorld&#33 You&#39;re really only gay when you&#39;ve concluded, without a doubt, that you enjoy males sexually more than females. Random fantasies and even sexual encounters don&#39;t make you gay.

 

[DC_DEEP]

Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Jul 16 2005, 09:57 PM
I&#39;m an 18 year old guy and have been questioning my sexuality for a few years now, its been a long and painful process and I still don&#39;t seem to be any closer to becoming comfortable with myself (or even knowing what I am)
I have ALWAYS known that I am not entirely straight and for a while I thought I was gay. I even began to accept it (most people assume I am gay upon first meeting me and many long established friends have long had their suspicions lol)

My dilemma lies here: I feel like I have been keeping my attraction to men secret for my entire life (while people have suspected that I am gay I have always maintained otherwise) I am at the point in my life now where I want to be open with everyone about who i am and who i am attracted to, but how can i do this if i don&#39;t even know myself?

[post=329692]Quoted post[/post]​

Slamdunk, I waited longer (much much longer) than I should have to come out. I think I was mostly worried about what others would think. My life is so much happier, easier, and more fulfilling now that I am honest with myself and everyone I meet.

While I don&#39;t flaunt my sexuality, I don&#39;t hide it either. For the most part, I just tend to be a normal guy, who happens to have a sexual attraction to men and be in love with a man.

The best advice I can give you on this subject is number one, be honest with yourself. It is, of course, very possible to have attractions to one gender or the other or both. It is just as possible to have the emotional attraction toward one gender and the sexual attraction to the other gender. But I have a feeling that at this point in your life, your own ideas about sexuality, and your perception about the perceptions of others, is coloring your thinking.

Ask yourself questions, especially the hard questions, and think about them, and answer them honestly. How do you feel about all the aspects of both sexual and emotional intimacy, with a man and with a woman. Don&#39;t allow yourself to fudge the answers because they may be uncomfortable.

Once you are honest and comfortable with yourself, be sure you are equally as honest with any prospective partner, whether it is just a fuck buddy or a prospective relationship. If any of them reject you for who and what you are, then you would not be happy with them in the long run. Finally, be open and honest with your friends and family. I&#39;m sure a few of them will turn away from you, but once again, if they are more concerned with where you park your cock than with you as a total person, you are better off without them.

The honesty is the biggest, and most difficult part of this process. Be sure that you never put yourself or anyone you care about in a situation where you have to hide or lie about it. If you end up in a situation where you are having sex with more than one person, regardless of the genders involved, you MUST be honest with everyone involved. If either they or you cannot handle it, you should not be in that situation.

I hope this helps in some small way. When I came out to my family, I was expecting a little more resistance, but had prepared myself to write them off with a polite "have a nice life, it&#39;s been nice being related to you." But they were surprisingly supportive. They had known me long enough to realize that although they weren&#39;t entirely comfortable with my life partner situation, they loved me enough to accept and support me.

 

[jonb]

The JackinWorld site&#39;s right about sexuality. Most people aren&#39;t simply one or the other. Sexuality&#39;s far too complicated.

And even most guys who are ONLY attracted to guys aren&#39;t a "Jack".