Confusing, frustrating situation

drumsticks92

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For the past two months, I've had casual contact and two dates with a guy I've known by name for a while. We met about a year ago while he was still with his then-boyfriend, but I liked him and found him attractive, so kept him on my radar.

This past fall, I noticed that he was no longer listed as being 'in a relationship' on Facebook, and then, coincidentally, I ran into him at an event in early December. Following that event, he sent me a Facebook message asking me if I was single, and if I'd like to get a drink with him. I was thrilled. I went back to visit family for several weeks around the holidays, and upon returning home, went on a date with him--drinks and chatting at a small pub--about a month later. It was fantastic; we really hit it off, and so enjoyed one another's company. When we were leaving, he bent down and kissed me.

The next day I sent him a Facebook message, saying only that I'd had a fantastic time. In his reply, he agreed, and then said that he'd recently had his heart broken--that I was 'sweet and interesting and sexy,' but that he still needed some time to mend, and so hoped we could hang out as friends for a little while, until 'he could really go for it with me.'

I was a little disappointed, but okay with this...I genuinely like his personality and company, and also find him insanely attractive. About a month passed, and we messaged casually...then, this past week, we attended a play together, with a group of friends, put on by a local theatre company whose network is familiar to us, and through which we originally met. It was a nice time, but he seemed nervous...I had tickets for a concert a couple of nights later, and invited him to attend with me. He excitedly agreed.

We went to the concert. Great time. We went to a bar for a drink afterwards. Mostly great time. We started talking about our real stories--family, ideologies--and I was really excited to feel like we were getting to know one another further. After the third round of beers, he returned to our table, and said he'd need to be honest with me: he said, 'I think you are adorable and sexy...and I could see myself really, really falling for you. But I can't right now. You don't want to be with me right now, I'm toxic. I need us to just be friends.'

I was pretty annoyed. Fine, in that moment. I'd need some time to mull it over following the date, and drinks. We left, not in terrible spirits, but the mood was definitely stifled. We went to retrieve our bikes (we live in a small, biking city), and as we were walking, he made a comment about how 'sexy my hair looked.' I told him to stop--that if we were going to be friends, he couldn't do things like that. He apologised.

We road home. Admittedly, I rode along his route, which still took me in the general direction of my place, but added about five minutes to my ride. This was for the sake of conversation. I didn't want the night to end on a sour note. Repeat: I really like this guy; care about him now; don't want to jump the gun; I'm easygoing; etc. We stopped in front of the road where he'd turn to go to his place. I went to hug him goodnight, and he pulled me close to him, and really tried to kiss me deeply. I pushed him back, and told him 'No.'

I road away, and he called after me 'have a good weekend!' When I got home, I was very, very upset. The experience had conjured old feelings of use and powerlessness from previous relationships, and I was very angry and confused. I didn't know if I should have just kissed him, been more romantic, and gone along with it.

The next day, I sent him a message saying that I had been upset about the way things had ended the night before. In his responses, he seemed to be under the impression that I was apologising for the way they had ended--he told me 'not to worry,' and that he'd 'see me soon.' I replied 'See you soon.'

I don't know what to do.
 

erratic

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I think you did the right thing when you told him that telling you how sexy your hair looked was crossing over a line - one that he set, in fact. Keep being honest and clear with him like that. He says you don't want to be with him right now? Why? This situation leaves you feeling powerless and upset? Explain that to him.

I think you guys need to put it all on the table, because it sounds like you both want a relationship but something is telling each of you that this isn't the time.
 

mikeyinbrooklyn

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I agree with erratic. Getting out of a relationship can leave all sorts of emotional wounds and social awkwardness. I think you should let him know that you are interested in starting a relationship, and ask if it is his old relationship that is holding him back. Then, if he says yes, you need to tell him that you either are or are not cool hanging out until he's ready. Be honest with yourself and him about that. And since you harbor romantic, and not just sexual feelings for him (which you will not be able to split apart), I recommend not sleeping together. Going to dinner or a movie to enjoy each other's company will not do either of you harm. Seriously making out or fucking will ruin it all, until you have clarity about your level of commitment and agreement about what it means. He is no longer a good candidate for a one-night-stand should you want to have one. The strings are attached. If at some point you are both able to commit to a relationship, then let the games begin. Oh, and one more thing: relax, and don't add the feelings and anxieties of your old relationships to the mix here. No good comes from that.
 

DavidXL

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I would have kissed him good night without having gotten huffy about it. There's clearly a spark between you. Don't snuff it out by being difficult. You are still in the beginning stages of something, whether it turns into a relationship or stays platonic. Kissing is a way for people to explore whether there is something more, and that is perhaps what he was trying to do as he finds his way after having had his heart broken. It doesn't have to automatically lead to sex.

Good luck with this!
 

Phil Ayesho

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This guy's a manipulative idiot.
He's stringing you along because he gets off on you wanting him more than he wants you.

He heats you up and then cools you down... And when you actually do cool down, he misses the heat and so tries to heat you up again.

Tell this doofus to get his mind right and figure out what the fuck he wants... Life is too short to play these kind of games.

And, BTW... The ' I got my heart broke'... 'I'm toxic right now'... That is all just bullshit.

Grown men know themselves. They know why their relationships fell apart and they know their own culpability in that event, even if they don't want to admit it even to themselves.

Either they WANT another relationship. Or they Don't.

When their actions don't align with their representations, you are dealing with a liar.
 

1goodguy

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I don't understand why people make it so complicated. People say one thing and do something else and don't seem to recognize that their actions impact on the other; I feel for you.

I think you did the right thing saying stop, ref friendship vs relationship.

However, if you have strong feelings for him which it sounds like you do, it could be upsetting for you if you continue to meet i.e. if you still feel for him but he's 'not in the right place'; I hope things work out for you one way or another.

Take care ;-)
 

halcyondays

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He's still grieving his lost relationship, which is why he warned you. He needs space and he needs time.

Do you really want to be his rebound?
 

drumsticks92

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Thanks everyone--some extremely valuable advice and insight here. I'm still torn, but feel more confident in my agency; it's indeed very important that I remain unswayed by past negative experience, and rooted in my gut feeling that he's a genuine, and compatible guy, despite his waffling. He and I are meeting for an afternoon coffee this Saturday...I'm going to lay out my wants and hesitations, and see how he responds. I'll keep you guys posted ;)
 

hrdhatdad

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You both sound like a couple of intelligent, insightful guys. Maybe you should back way off and let him come around when he is over his ex (provided you are still single by then).