Considering divorce

[D_ccz05den]

So Ive been married 6 years but have considered divorce for at least half that time. The sexual attraction is more or less not there for me and I am beyond bored with everything to do with our marriage.
We gave counseling a try after I mentioned I wasnt happy and I still feel like I want out. Problem is, I know it would destroy her and I dont want to ruin her life. Maybe I am getting caught up too much with how she would feel while sacrificing my happiness but Im not sure. Anybody else been through a similar situation?

 

[stustu]

I feel for you. Marriage should be great, fun, and alive. I would make a list of the pros and cons of YOUR marriage. Determine what you need and cannot get. Honesty and truthfulness is always the best. Remember that if you are not happy it isn't likely that she will be either. It takes two. Good luck.

 

[Lord_of_Goon]

Think real hard about it bc divorce sucks.
It's been hard on both of us. Ways u don't realize.

 

[patrick222]

Get some strange !

 

[Countryguy63]

Think real hard about it bc divorce sucks.
It's been hard on both of us. Ways u don't realize.

I concur!! :frown1:

 

[Phil Ayesho]

if you are wanting out after only 3 years.... that's a very bad sign... but a sign saying what?

You want out because the two of you just aren't compatible?

Or you want out because you're the kind of self absorbed jerk who would always lose interest in any woman because you get bored easily?


You don't mention any lack of sex, no mention of fighting... just the general feeling on your part that your heart isn't in it.


Well... lemme tell ya. you should get the fuck out, NOW.

It doesn't really matter, because, once you've made it clear to your mate that you just aren't that into them... all you're doing is STEALING time they could be using to find someone who might be the kind of mate They need or deserve.

Yeah... its a hassle. AND expensive. Yes... you WILL be cast as the villian.
But if you haven't any kids yet... then you're getting off easy, and so is she. ( not to mention that, if she WANTS kids... you better get the fuck out of the way so she can find the guy who WILL stick around before her ovaries run out of time )

But after the papers are signed and the hysterics have subsided... you will still be stuck in the same room with yourself... and That is when you will have to ask yourself some pretty hard questions about why this marriage didn't work out... and, if you are intellectually honest with yourself... may have to face some pretty unflattering things about your own character.

 

[mikeyinbrooklyn]

Divorce is horrible. Try to avoid it, if possible. BUT, there is no way you can make someone else happy if you are permanently unhappy. I would suggest that there are 3 main categories to consider: 1) Sex 2) Love 3) Practical Daily Life. All three categories present challenges and opportunities. If you have real, mutual love, you can try to work out the sexual and practical matters of your relationship. Both partners must be involved, and there is a real chance you will not work things out. If the love isn't there, you can work the rest out and it won't be enough in the long run. Maybe you need to ask yourself the following 3 questions: 1) Did we have the all the elements at the beginning of our marriage? 2) If yes, what changed? 3) Can we reasonably fix those changes to make things right? Be honest with yourself, and your wife. Divorce is awful, but needing one and avoiding it is not an answer, either.

 

[Str8jockjerking]

Hell yeah buddy, you said a mouthfull.

 

[hsarge]

The 'grass looks greener'. Sometimes is or not. But if you are bored with your life, you may be bored wherever you go. Sometimes we may fantasize about an existence that is only a dream. I'm not telling you to stay, or stay out of 'pity'. But be realistic. She may be gone, but you will still be you. If you have a side relationship you think is better, maybe. If you have no other relationship, you may wind up with none at all. Shakespeare ' the problem is not in our stars but in ourselves.' Passion can be fleeting with anyone, particularly if you transfer your dissatisfaction of yourself to your partner.

 

[deleted356736]

Sexual attraction and variety is hard to maintain over the long-term which seems to be part of your problem. After 3 years you pretty much have exhausted all the positions and maybe rooms of the house too. But if you love your wife then routine sex just to bring the two of you close together is satisfying just for that.

Bored with things beyond sex too. My observation is that many couples don't know what love is and they marry, and later they realise that something is missing but don't know what. True love which has all the ingredients is rare, and often those who say they love this person or that person don't love them but are sexually attracted to them. And when sexual routine sets in there's nothing left.

Having loved two people in my life, I do know the difference between love, close feelings of friendship and sexual attraction, and I am grateful for that. While divorce is hard, if you don't love your wife then divorce is the only option so that you can set out and discover what love is, because hopefully you now know what love isn't. But please don't make the same mistake again. Be patient until you find the right woman for you and be choosy.

 

[Daisy]

I don't regret it for a second. I waited too long to get a divorce.

 

[danimal32]

You are going to get as many opinions as there are people on here, but you need to be the one to decide what you want to do with your relationship. Have you spoken in depth to anyone about how you feel, either a trusted friend or a professional counselor?

This may not work, based on the time of year, but could you try living apart for a while to determine if you feel better or worse when you are not together?

Don't make any quick decisions, you need to be happy, but think long when you may only think once.

 

[deleted213967]

So Ive been married 6 years but have considered divorce for at least half that time. The sexual attraction is more or less not there for me and I am beyond bored with everything to do with our marriage.
We gave counseling a try after I mentioned I wasnt happy and I still feel like I want out. Problem is, I know it would destroy her and I dont want to ruin her life. Maybe I am getting caught up too much with how she would feel while sacrificing my happiness but Im not sure. Anybody else been through a similar situation?

If divorce would destroy her, as you suspect, doesn't it mean that she loves you?

 

[Astro]

Not necessarily. It could be she's become totally reliant on you. NEJacker, listen to your emotions and what your body is saying! You don't like your partner, you don't like intimacy with her or find her interesting......and you're seriously thinking of staying in chains.....to be kind to her? Wake up man- that's a life sentence! Do you really think that will make her 'happy'? When your heart is not in it? My god man, get out, and soon as you can! Give her (and you) a chance to find emotional happiness with the right partner. Yes divorce is horrible, but worse is giving up your life and emotional happiness staying like this and ending up hating each other. I stayed with my first wife for 20 years- I felt utter dislike and contempt for her, but I had 3 kids to bring up and dogs to look after. I want those emotionally dead years back now, I feel cheated! Get out before kids are thrown into the scene! Seriously think what you are considering giving up, for someone you have no feelings for!

 

[kayman]

I swear it sounds like so many of you have never had time to self-reflect at all in your adult life. You must do this to know yourself and develop the self-awareness of who you truly are as a person. If you know these things about yourself then you will be able know what to do when confronted with the situation of finding what is the right balance of wants and needs in a potential partner.

I agree with Phil Ayesho and cbrmale, 100%. For starters, if you spend more time thinking about the physical rather than the companionship and emotional components of a relationship. Then all your relationships are destined to fail when those are the most imperative portions of any lasting, long-term relationship.


Honestly, you will only learn this from those whom had lasting long term relationships and made it through the tough times. I had to be taught that by my own parents with their now marriage of 40 years. This is where the advice of those whom are in long lasting, functional, and satisfying relationships comes in.

Love is about selfless, compassion, and the willingness to make it work. Lust is all about self and what it takes to get off (self satisfaction).

I can see many on here don't even know what true love is because you are too unfamiliar with yourself to know who you are and most of all, what you truly need...

 

[Brisler]

if you are wanting out after only 3 years.... that's a very bad sign... but a sign saying what?

You want out because the two of you just aren't compatible?

Or you want out because you're the kind of self absorbed jerk who would always lose interest in any woman because you get bored easily?


You don't mention any lack of sex, no mention of fighting... just the general feeling on your part that your heart isn't in it.


Well... lemme tell ya. you should get the fuck out, NOW.

It doesn't really matter, because, once you've made it clear to your mate that you just aren't that into them... all you're doing is STEALING time they could be using to find someone who might be the kind of mate They need or deserve.

Yeah... its a hassle. AND expensive. Yes... you WILL be cast as the villian.
But if you haven't any kids yet... then you're getting off easy, and so is she. ( not to mention that, if she WANTS kids... you better get the fuck out of the way so she can find the guy who WILL stick around before her ovaries run out of time )

But after the papers are signed and the hysterics have subsided... you will still be stuck in the same room with yourself... and That is when you will have to ask yourself some pretty hard questions about why this marriage didn't work out... and, if you are intellectually honest with yourself... may have to face some pretty unflattering things about your own character.

I agree fully.

Do the two of you have kids? That's extremely relevant.

 

[Jesabelle]

I would think that staying married despite the way you feel about her would destroy both of you more than simply parting ways. I'm with a man who loves me and treats me wonderfully in every other way but he's not physically attracted to me and THAT destroys me every day. You would be doing her (and yourself) a favor by leaving before there are (more) resentments. Good luck to both of you.

 

[xmarksbreakdownx]

Divorce is sad, and it's hard to go through. That being said, nothing is more sad than wasting years you could be using to make yourself happy. I would say give therapy another try. Ask yourself, "What would make you happy in this marriage?" It can't just be sex.

Don't get me wrong, sex plays a HUGE part in a marriage, but there's other factors to a good marriage. If you think you can make it work, try. Do unusual things, take her out places to do things you've never done before. Try.

Keep in mind, time waits for no one. Don't stay in a marriage you're not happy in doing nothing. Try to change it. If that doesn't work, get out of it.

 

[EllieP]

Divorce is horrible, but sometimes it's the flame that purifies. I could not imagine me staying in my first marriage any longer. Even with a child in tow there's no way I could have made it work.

I will warn you: I came out on the better end of the deal. It took me a while to land on my feet, but his maturity level never made it past 18.

It was so hard, almost impossible at time. But if I had to do it all over again I would have done it sooner!

Every situation is different, and I'm only giving you my experiences. Only you can determine what's right for the both of you.

If you truly care for her but can't think of another day being with her, then perhaps you'll be doing both of you some good by agreeing to go your separate ways.

I just received this from a good friend who knows of my experience, but didn't personally witness it. It might serve as a warning or not:

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8086843904/h37349D8C/

 

[Matt_x]

These type of threads are sad and I feel sorry for both, but this is why many of us are reluctant to take that extra step; not that we are inconsiderate. Please think it over because it really does affect everyone including the lil ones. Though roughing it out isn't healthy for you neither. Be honest and true to yourself; in the end you are also thinking what is best for her.