Contemplating an affair

[cmk1968]

I, for one, will stand up to a degree with the original post. I've been through the same depression and thought process as him for a number of years now. Sex is few and far between, and is NEVER initiated by her. I'm tired of everybody suggesting "well, maybe you didn't do THIS?", or "have you tried THIS?", or all the flavors of "well, maybe YOU should be doing more for HER".. . Blah blah blah. Accept that it's not always OUR fault. And yes, I'm going to be a little bitter here.
I've tried it all, I've tried pressuring (doesn't work). I've tried giving her her space (doesn't work - apparently, that's what she wants after all!). I've tried romancing, I've tried cuddling. I've tried helping her out around the house so she can't be so "tired". When we talk about it, if she doesn't get mad, we have a good chat, maybe a night of romance, then a week later it's all back to the status quo.
I too would not end the marriage, because there are good aspects to the marriage, and I could never do that to our kids. Of course, there are the financial concerns as well as 'what would other people think'?
Bottom line is, if she doesn't want it, it doesn't happen and it won't happen. Yet in the end, I'd be the bad guy if I looked outside the marriage for a little attention, for some affirmation that I'm still sexy and attractive, for some confirmation that yes, there ARE women who want and enjoy a "normal" sexual relationship. It's not all about the sex either. It's about the emotional closeness and caring.
Sometimes, curling up at night with our fantasies and our right hand isn't enough.
Have I had an affair? No. Have I thought about it? Damn right. Will I ever? Sorry, but I can't say "no" with 100% certainty. I feel I've tried hard enough through the years to compromise and accommodate.

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

If you've never been involved in infidelity before, I can tell you that it's one of the worst kinds of pain there is. I've been cheated on and I've cheated. From where I stand, the sex wasn't worth it and after all the drama came, I'd forgot I'd had any.

If you're that unhappy, leave this woman. If you love her, there may be ways to spice up your sex life. Fucking random pussy is the easier, softer way.

 

[D_Merringtonne Meathead]

No preaching here: apart from one-nighters on business trips etc I have had (and am still having one) really nice affairs and great sex with married (very important, only marrried) women I met on Adult Friend Finder - which is excellent for pussy - and otherwise. No harm done, no pain, no come-back, no wish to rush out and divorce. Maybe I'm lucky. Often the grass (the sex) is greener on the other side as long as you come back to your own meadow. And the relatively big cock was obviously a factor in keeping at least some of these ladies interested; certainly my current affair partner says she can't wait to get all of me inside her.

 

[VTAce]

but i work very hard so she could be a stay at home mom, and i cook almost every meal, do most of the laundry, plus keep the house and yard in order.

If she's a "stay at home Mom," why are you doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and yardwork? What exactly does she do while she's home all day? Watch Oprah and pop bon-bons?

And if you have three children, then apparently the sex used to be OK.

It would seem like she's taking advantage of you in every possible way. Isn't lack of sex in a marriage grounds for divorce? Alienation of affection or something like that? If it's her fault, I don't see how she could "take you to the cleaners." All you want is a happy, fulfilled relationship. If she isn't willing to participate in that, why should you be the one to suffer? She can be single and sexless, but you shouldn't have to remain trapped. And with regard to vows, she is obviously not living up to her vows to "love, honor, cherish," either, if she won't even touch you.

 

[invisibleman]

She gave birth to three kids. And she isn't able to accommodate you? This is peculiar.

It seems that she is (a number of options): 1: having an affair herself while you are away. 2: suffering some sort of depression. 3: angry at you. 4: bored in her marriage. 5: a closeted lesbian. 6. just not interested in doing it with you. 7. maybe this is what she wants you to do (have an affair) so she CAN take you to the cleaners.

Yeah, you've consulted your marital counselors and nothing's happening. Even if she DOES give you "marital due", it isn't going to change anything because she doesn't like having sex with you. Consult the both of your lawyers now. Thing is you can still pay for your kids' college education. Question is: Are you willing to suffer a sexless marriage?

Don't cheat. Separate. Divorce. Never marry again. Marital law benefits the mother and your children.

 

[wonderland]

She is a stay at home mom but you do all that work around the house? Something doesn't seem right about that. You really seem to be getting the short end of the stick in this relationship. Maybe get separated.
Stories like this make me so glad I have never been married.

 

[stud_hunter]

DIVORCE first.
Then go for the other woman.
That simple.

But it's not that simple, if only it were. The poster said he's stuck in the marriage because of financial obligations, and as much as we'd like to discount that, financial obligations can be powerful stuff. To me this is a perfect example of why marriage is, pardon me, retarded (speaking as a formerly married person...). You don't need marriage to be with the person you love. All marriage does it box people in when they want to get out.

 

[tripod]

I say call the bitch out! Tell her what she is doing to you. State your position clearly and be concise. This will be the moment of truth. Either it will work or it won't, but give her a few days for it to sink in before you take any further action. The answer to your dilemna does not lay outside of your marriage, the answer is INSIDE OF IT! Try loving that bitch as hard as you can, be romantic even when she isn't, do more listening, involve yourself in her interests, work on your "mood", and give a little more than you've been used to. If none of this works, you need to leave and sleep at a homeless shelter or a cardboard box, anywhere but with her. Money ain't worth the paper it's printed on, your life and happiness, and marriage for that matter, are priceless. Don't be a loser, confront this situation like a knight riding into battle. Keep your chin up and chest out!

 

[hot-rod]

DON'T DO IT. You are married, man. Remember your vows? "To love and honor" and all that. Was it just crap? If sex is a problem, see a counselor. But unless you are willing to destroy your life and that of your wife, don't even think about it. No amount of sex, or curiosity is worth it.
"Thou shalt not commit adultery..."

What? Sexless marriage? I say get out now because she probably don't care that much for you. You only have one life to live and why live it like that? If you stay, things will always be the same and why live like this?

 

[B_big dirigible]

He is a man of principle and treats his women as you do; doing the yard work, laundry, cooking and he insists on opening doors for them.

That's what principle means?

Somehow I doubt it.

 

[transformer_99]

im stuck for now in an almost sexless marriage. im now thinking about having an affair. my question is...how? at 47, i've been out of circulation for a while, and dont know how to meet women. also, as i said, im stuck for now due to financial obligations, so i'm only looking for a once in a while friend for a quiet night out, and some sex. are women as horny as men? are there women that would want something like this? clue me in....

An affair is only going to compound the problems and add another to it. All you can do is be persistent and continue to make demands for the concessions you want in the partnership. Those have repercussions too, not everyone reacts the same to demands or conditions, depending upon that person's perspective of the list. An affair, you'll get away with it for until it's discovered, then you'll have to deal with that too. And we already can see/hear the excuse, she caused you to do it because she wasn't taking care of that end of the relationship herself. Nobody involved is going to care about that, it'll be what either of you did or didn't do. At 47, it's the life you bought into and married and created for yourself, it may not be what you wanted/expected, but it's where you are. Accept it or fix it, but grow into that phase of life.

 

[B_big dirigible]

well...i must say i didnt expect so much preaching on a web site for men to show pictures of their penises.

The problem may be your definition of "support". This isn't the LP Cheerleading Group. Support isn't handing you an automatic hey yeah dude, go to it. A more useful form of support is what you are getting - some members with different perspectives have pointed out that you may be driving off a cliff. (I myself have no idea if you are or not - never been there ... never done that ... )

 

[transformer_99]

www.craigslist.org

If you really have to go thru with it, be careful, you might get involved in a sting operation.

http://apnews.excite.com/article/20060909/D8K18M2G3.html

 

[jeff black]

Well, for starters, why don't you go out and try to seduce your wife into an affair? Maybe rekindling things and emotions from those days will help you get the sex back into your marriage.

That is a very clever idea, Claire. Role playing and such can REALLY spice up a relationship. I suggest you both get dressed up... go out to a classy bar, arrive at different times, and you go and flirt with your wife. Come up with new names and backgrounds. Have fun with it. See if you can rekindle a spark or two.

 

[mtguy1972]

i have a few comments...

wrench, please don't take these personally...i'm just extrapolating on your situation. you are to be commended for doing counseling and such to try to work through things....

but i have to wonder? did you not know she was like this before you got married?? i always wonder when couples have all of these problems why they didn't realize this before...we push the idea of marriage so heavily that people feel like that 'have to' get married, and often do so before they really know each other. it's not like she was a freak in the bedroom and she suddenly changed to being a prude. (although if you have 3 children who knows...)

the U.S. holds the "sanctity" of marriage so high that they feel they have to protect it by not letting gays get married, yet 50% of marriages end in divorce and how many others are sexless/loveless/miserable...just makes me sigh...

anyway, i feel for your situation, and wish you luck...

 

[wrench]

thanks to all who replied, and several who did through PM's. i can assure you i dont take any of this lightly, not like i just want some strange, or a guy who cant keep his pants on. we had very little sex before we were married, and i thought it would be better after marriage. we never had a good sex life, i can say with 100% certainty that all 3 kids were conceived on the first try. i cant force her into any role playing, and im not wasting another cent on counseling. i've tried everything i can think of. and me working 12 hour days, then coming home to cook a proper meal, along with all the housework and such just tells her she can walk all over me. i dont believe shes a lesbian, she seems to be attracted to men, but has no interest in sex. so....i'll probably just keep looking at porn and jerking off. and cold showers help too.

 

[ClaireTalon]

Well, there is this kind of woman who can just live without sex. I can't understand how they do it, from a personal point of view, but it's possible. They can have great relationships, but the sex is nothing they crave. Shame what they're missing.

However, forcing her into anything, roleplaying or different, isn't anything we proposed on here. I wonder wether you've ever read Alexandre Jardin's Zebra? An interesting read, great mix of tragedy and comedy. It's about a man in a situation similar to yours. He tries to rekindle it by sending his wife anonymous love letters, in one of which he invites her to a bar and then... well, I don't want to make you believe it's about real events, but it seems you really have nothing to lose on this matter.

 

[4357]

HeyWrench,
You don't sound like a happy camper...
You're in a tough situation man, I know because I've been there. Only you can decide what to do for yourself, but for me I just decided it wasn't worth it. You have to look at it this way: Hit the RESET button.
Yes, you will need to start over financially. But from the sound of it (12 hour workdays) you will be able to recover!
From the sound of it (cook the dinners, handle laundry and the house) you are giving very much of yourself. Ask yourself: Am I a great guy? (Your description sounds like it.) If the answer is YES, then you DESERVE a great mate. (Your description sounds like she isn't.)
Then... make the change.
Your kids will be better off with a happy father. They will recover. Properly done, the divorce will leave money for their college.
You will be happier. And in the long run your wife will be happier too, as she will be forced to address her depression.
At 47, it is not too late to start over. And the happiness of some very important people is at stake.
Good luck to you.
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