Contribute your ode to LPSG

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by seahorses, Feb 16, 2008.

  1. seahorses

    seahorses Member

    Mar 31, 2006
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    I have been inspired by a couple of recent posts in which the authors have waxed lyrical in the fashion of the great bard. Me thinks there must be more among such a multitude of distinguished and eloquent membership here in (almost 2 mil!). And invite those inclined to contribute such upon this thread. I know some will have a light so brilliant that through yonder window it will dazzle, while others will only aspire to a warm glow that the heart may cherish. But fear not, I will commence proceedings with a penning of my own in consequence of the afore mentioned inspiration; a modest affair one may be inclined gauge their own against. Think on? Is this a quill I see before me; then let it be guided by the hand of your imagination.

    An ode to LPSG

    It was a chill winter’s night that I happened on this board
    the web name took my fancy, LPSG had struck a chord
    To consort with long standing members was not my sole desire
    but with also those not there long, as I huddled by the fire
    To talk of many different matters, not just those about the phallus
    From raging war in Afghanistan to the wonderland of Alice
    Some patrons caused my blood to boil while others made me laugh
    But then I suddenly had to shift my feet as hot embers rolled onto the hearth
    I had to quickly readjust amidst a contributor’s erotic story
    I grabbed my poker, thrusting back and forth
    oh how that log spat back in fury
    It then occurred I felt fatigued the tufted quilt did so invite
    Though thinking as I climbed the stairs, I'll warm again tomorow night!

  2. Northland

    Gold Member

    Oct 22, 2007
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    Once upon a midnight dreary
    While I pondered weak and weary
    Came a rapping, nay a tapping
    Tapping at my garret door.

    Opened up and there was standing
    Just upon the top floor landing
    ManlyBanisters, hair was curling
    As she admired my rings of sterling.

    'Greatly man' she whispered hoarsely
    'Hast my HickBoy slapped yee coarsely?'
    'Aye my fair one' I did answer
    'Whilst he was my privates dancer.'

    'Naught can be so' she smiled coyly
    Like a mistress knitting noightly*
    'He twas with moi, the lovely maiden
    not in your heathen bas-tard lair den.

    As there we stood my eyes stuck soundly
    Uponst her bosoms, shapely, roundly,
    The building shook and on the stairs
    There came a noise which paled my hair!

    A man appeared with racecar glide
    And shook his fist both far and wide.
    'Ah Pecker' sang my neighbor Mandee,
    'Did you bring us all a glass of shandy?'

    'Can't say as how I have' said he
    'For since I know not what that be'
    I interjected with a snort
    A simple answer-yea a retort.

    'Tis just a beer with shakes of lemons,
    From soda water of Roger Clemens'
    Pecker grabbed the bani-ster
    And said 'you are mistaken sir.'

    Not knowing yet how to respond,
    I spoke of NASCAR, which of I'm fond.
    He snortled back a quick bon mot
    I shall not show it here as note.

    I closed the door to raucous laughter
    said to myself, 'I'll tend you all in the hereafter'
    Pecker, Naughty, others chattered,
    In my hallway, anon they scattered.

    Skipping back to my sex lair
    I found still waiting my favorite bear
    Come hither now I halfway shouted
    While on my head a bludgeon clouted...

    In hours later I awoke,
    A circle of men around me spoke
    'Look now he is awake' says they
    Whilst in my mind I start to pray.

    Of this what can thou testify
    and shoved before my widening eyes.
    For there upon the screen so grand
    were scrawled 4 letters across-in a strand.

    LPSG it showed in colors
    Red gold and green-and evern yeller
    What meanest this' the old one said
    I shook my head with fear and dread.

    Having searched upon the web so oft
    I spun a tale which soared aloft.
    Bakers dozens and chocolate rolls
    A list of legal sanctions and tolls.

    They stared at me, my tale rang thin
    But still I played my violin.
    'Here now I shall approve my truth
    You'll all be shamed and shown uncouth.'

    Typing swiftly on the keyboard
    I wondered what this would afford.
    I clicked in letters left and right
    The screen it twinkled in the night.

    First came the hit which made me safe
    But stupid me I was a naif
    Not knowing how or when to stop
    I typed in more like some childish fop.

    The scanning sounds they soon began
    And a murmurring from the man so tan
    Pages of sex and pages of fun
    Pages of stories made our engines run.

    Though time has passed since that solar eclipse
    I still think of them in squibulous blips
    Our fortnight followed rough and jagged
    Supreme Court judges left me ragged.

    * I am well aware that noightly is not a real word-it's called poetic piracy.
  3. seahorses

    seahorses Member

    Mar 31, 2006
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    How impressive and far exceeding my expectations; the light truly abounds. However, tis early days yet and hopefully the thread will grow. Not that there’s a prize, but as the Arch biceps of Cantilever said, ‘Your reward awaits you in Mecca.’
  4. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

    Nov 24, 2007
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    San Antonio, TX
    It was a Dark & Stormy Night

    From childhood's hour I have not been
    As others were; I have not seen
    As others saw; I could not bring
    My passions from a common spring.
    From the same source I have not taken
    My sorrow; I could not awaken
    My heart to joy at the same tone;
    And all I loved, I loved alone.
    Then—in a ggogle search, in the dawn
    Of a most stormy life—was drawn
    From every depth of good and ill
    The mystery which binds me still:
    From the torrent or the fountain,
    From the red cliff or the mountain,
    From the sun that round me rolled
    In its autumn tint of gold,
    From the lightning in the sky
    As it passed my flying by,
    From the thunder and the storm,
    And the cloud that took the form
    (When the rest of Heaven was blue)
    Of the LPSG avatars in my view.
  5. ManlyBanisters

    Gold Member

    Mar 19, 2007
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    Excellent - fucking excellent - especially the bits about me!! :rolleyes::wink:
    And noightly works very well in an Irish accent - most appropriate :biggrin1:

    My own effort (in the style of Roger McGough):


    I turned on the pc
    to do some work
    I got distracted
    by some berk
    Hegelian dialectic near caused a fight
    but he had a nice cock
    so it turned out alright
  6. dong20

    Gold Member

    Feb 17, 2006
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    The grey country
    Edgar must be spinning in his grave, Northland. But maybe he's chuckling at the same time.

    Here's another variant that made me smile.

    The Disk Drive

    Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary
    Soda cans and pizza boxes on the floor
    Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets
    When finally at the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer
    Then invoked the SAVE command, waited for the disk to store
    Only this and nothing more

    Deep into the dark screen peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing
    Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more
    But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token
    “Save!” I cried,“ you cursèd mother! Save my data from before!”
    One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more
    Just “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

    Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
    These were choices undesired, ones I’d never faced before
    Carefully I weighed the choices, as the disk made impish noises
    The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more
    Clearly I must press a key, choosing one of only three
    Just “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

    With fingers pale and eyes attending, slowly toward the keyboard bending
    Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored
    Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key
    But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before
    Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore
    Just “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

    I tried to catch the chips off guard and pressed again but twice as hard
    I pleaded with the damn machine, I begged and cried and then I swore
    Now in mighty desperation, trying any combination
    Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before
    Cursor blinking, angry winking, blinking nonsense as before
    Just “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

    There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
    Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor
    And then I saw a dreadful sight, a lightning bolt cut through the night
    A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core
    The lightning zapped my hard-won data, lost and gone forevermore
    Just “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

    And to this day we do not know the place to which lost numbers go
    What netherworld from which we could restore
    Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, to black holes
    But since there’s Windows, Lotus, C, and more
    You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore
    Just “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”
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