Cosmo says to forget the rules...

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by HazelGod, Oct 26, 2007.

  1. HazelGod

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    In a stunningly surprising twist that nobody saw coming, Cosmo has decided to tell women that the seven most important rules of relationships (which they likely told you to observe) are wrong, and you need to change your behavior in order to be good girlfriends/wives/whatever.

    I'd actually like to hear the opinions of real women on these bits of "advice," so read on and sound off:


    7 love rules you need to break

    ‘Cosmopolitan’ magazine lists nonconventional tips for happier relationships

    These relationship secrets go against conventional wisdom, but “Cosmo” believes in shaking things up. Colleen Rush shares seven new rules for today's relationships:
    Just because you’ve always done something one way doesn’t mean it’s the right way. Remember how much your life improved when you finally gave up super-low-rise jeans, dating only bad boys, and dial-up modems? Relationship experts say that ditching the following seven love rules can be just as liberating — maybe more.


    Old rule: Don’t be a jealous girlfriend
    “A lot of women think they’ll seem neurotic and needy if they act jealously,” says Susan Piver, author of “How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life.” So when, say, a chick flirts with their man, many women may decide just to grit their teeth and play it cool to prove how secure they are.



    New rule: Act a little territorial
    A couldn’t-care-less act can backfire, because “a total absence of jealousy can be seen by your guy as a sign that you aren’t invested in the relationship,” says David Buss, Ph.D., author of “The Dangerous Passion.” No, you can’t go all “Fatal Attraction” every time he comes into contact with another woman, but it is OK to casually point out specific things that irk you — like when a friend flirts with him or he repeatedly brings up a female co-worker you distrust.
    Just keep the comments directed at the chick’s behavior so you don’t seem like you’re trying to control him. Examples: “I don’t like the way she was hanging all over you” or “Could she show any more cleavage?” Revealing your inner green demon — in moderation — is flattering because it lets him know that the threat of losing him disturbs you and it demonstrates a genuine desire to protect your bond.




    Old rule: Never go to bed angry
    You’re trained to talk, talk, talk it out when there’s tension in the air because you want a resolution.


    New rule: Sleep on a problem
    Heat-of-the-moment discussions can spiral out of control quickly. “When you force an issue, you blab without having thought out what you need to say, which increases the chance that you’ll both blurt out things you’ll regret later,” says Piver. And that’s doubly true if you’re tired. Sleeping on it first allows you to sort out what points are truly important. It also lets you decompress so that you’ll be calmer and more rational when you make your case. Just say, “I’m irritated and need time away.” It can be smart to acquiesce if he’s asking for a recess, too. Instead of insisting that you hash it out at that moment, schedule a time to readdress the issue. Saying “Let’s talk about this tomorrow after work” makes it clear that you intend to revisit the conversation ... and that he’s not off the hook.
    “Most arguments lose their bite if you take some time out to think them through,” says Piver. “The next day, you’ll be able to talk about it without so much anger. And you fight, and move on without discussing it to death.”




    Old rule: Crushing on other guys is cheating lite
    Unlike men, who feel free to ogle away at chicks without the slightest sense of remorse, women have a tendency to overthink a fleeting flirtation or lusty attraction to other men. “Some women worry that they’re betraying their boyfriends or that it’s a sign that something is wrong in their relationship,” says Cleveland clinical psychologist Joseph Rock, Psy.D. The end result is that you get all the guilt of an illicit affair without any of the fun.


    New rule: An innocent fantasy can fuel your love life
    The juiced-up feeling you get from a clandestine crush can be good for your existing twosome. The reason? You start to feel like that foxy, flirtatious single girl you used to be (the one your man found so irresistibly hot), and he reaps the benefits of your reawakened excitement.

    Look, sexual chemistry with other people is normal, and feeling guilty about a crush is an exercise in futility. Says Rock: “Just because you are attracted to someone else — even if you’re fantasizing about him — doesn’t mean you’re going to act on it.” As long as you don’t cross the line and turn your fantasy into reality, it’s OK to stop censoring your lusty thoughts and start enjoying them.





    Old rule: Always try to wow him in the sack
    Since you’re a hot “Cosmo” girl, you likely spend a lot of time cooking up ways to blow your guy’s mind between the sheets, which, to be clear, is a very good thing. The danger begins if you focus on pleasing him to the point where you don’t get your own O-zone needs met. “Women sometimes have a hard time articulating what they want, particularly in bed,” says Rock. “They tend to be too selfless because they’re more comfortable giving to their partner than taking from him.”


    New rule: Be selfish between the sheets
    Men pride themselves on being able to get you off, so even though it seems like a giving nature would provide him with the ultimate gratification, you’ll actually erode his sexual ego over time if he thinks your toes aren’t curling, too. “If you’re not satisfied, you both end up unhappy,” says Rock. The solution is easy, even if you’re too shy to say outright what you like: Use moans to let him know what turns you on or just demonstrate where and how you want to be touched.





    Old rule: You have to share all the same interests
    Some couples mistakenly think that being on the same page — and being close — means taking an active interest in all of each other’s pastimes.



    New rule: Solo time boosts your bond
    If you love snowboarding and so does, he, great. Bur forcing yourself to participate in his random hobbies dilutes your interactions. You get bored and ask him lots of questions, and he feels uncomfortable because he knows you’re not really interested. Conversely, pressuring him to take part in your extracurriculars will just make him resentful.
    Nonstop couple time creates a dynamic that’s more ball-and-chain than boyfriend-girlfriend. Plus, you’re simply more interesting to each other if you’re able to share separate experiences. “When you pursue your own interests, you appreciate the things you do as a couple more,” says Susan Campbell, Ph.D., author of “Saying What’s Real.”





    Old rule: Don’t fall all over him
    You think he’ll gag if you throw your arms around his neck and tell him every little thing you love about him. Besides, you’ve been together long enough that he knows how you feel … or think.


    New rule: Give in to your mushy side
    One of the side effects of being nuts about a guy is the occasional overwhelming urge to lavish him with affection and act like, you know, a girl. Don’t hold back! Show him how much he rocks your world. “A guy needs and wants to be reminded again and again why you love him,” says couples therapist Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., author of “Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First).” Men might not admit that they’re into the romance stuff, but that difference is actually part of your allure in the first place. Give up on gushing and he may miss seeing that feminine trait.
    Though you want to reaffirm your affection for him, don’t go too far overboard. The kind of things he’ll dig: Kiss his face all over, start lots of sentences with “I love it when you …,” or call him the pet name you gave him when you first started dating. Tell him he’s the barbecue/hard drive-debugger/bed-making master when he does something for you, or pine away for the things he does best when he’s not around (“I wish you were here to rub my back”).
    Even if the comment seems minor, “the extra dose of loving is what keeps the feelings you have for each other stoked,” says Turndorf.





    Old rule: Act like Miss Independent
    By insisting on carrying the heavy suitcase, fixing your own cable box, and opening every jar of pickles, you’re proving what a strong, modern woman you are, right? Well …


    New rule: Let him be your Superman
    “Men are certainly attracted to independent women, but if you’re completely self-sufficient, they feel kind of useless,” says Rock. Obviously, if it’s a task that’s faster and easier for you to do yourself, you should go for it. But give him the ego boost of letting him do the things he’s particularly good at, whether it’s making his killer mushroom risotto, lugging your groceries upstairs with that much-vaunted male upper-body strength, or just driving in the snow.
    “Men need to be protectors and providers, and they’re action-oriented,” says Turndorf. “Doing things for you is how he expresses his love.” So let him, already!
     
  2. AlexSedai

    AlexSedai New Member

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    I saw this, kinda crazy.
     
  3. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

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    I agree with act a little territorial, sleep on it, fantasize, solo time boosts your bond and be mushy sometimes.

    I do not agree with acting like he's your superman. Independence is attractive in both men and women. I think using the word "selfish" between the sheets is not the right term. Of course you want to get off and you want your partner to get off too. It should never be all about yourself all the time. Sometimes if your man wants a blowjob, but doesn't have the energy to fuck, suck him off! I'm sure he'll return the favor.
     
  4. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    How lame...
     
  5. pinkerton

    pinkerton New Member

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    I remember watching Helen Gurley Brown on the Tonight Show maybe 35 years ago. On national television she listed her opinions on men and how good or poor they were in bed. She was openly talking about her sex life on television. Johnny Carson was clearly uncomfortable.

    Helen Gurley Brown - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    She's an amazing woman. An American treasure.
     
  6. whatireallywant

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    Agreed!!!

    I get really angry when these so-called "experts" tell me I shouldn't be independent because I'm a woman! :mad: However, if it's working together, and he does what he's good at and I do what I'm good at, that's fine.
     
  7. Principessa

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    Helen Gurley Brown was an idiot who prided herself and based her magazine on being the antithesis of Gloria Steinem. She once said that "a woman's vagina is like her apartment and that in order to be happy it should be full all the time." :eek::confused::tongue: Now I LOVE sex; but I do not want a penis in me 24/7, I don't care to whom it's attached!

    I stopped reading Cosmopolitan when H.G.B. took over and someone even worse took over. I almost always had trouble relating to the advice given becauae it never related to my life or the people I knew.

    I like the new relationship advice, it's more in line with how I am naturally.
     
  8. whatireallywant

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    Yeah, most of the new advice makes sense (but NOT that part about not being independent!!!) I can't stand Cosmo anyway. I refer to it as "300 pages of gender stereotyping"!

    HA! Maybe that 24/7 comment is exaggeration? I admit I'm closer in philosophy to Gloria Steinem than to Helen Gurley Brown, but I like having lots of sex!!!
     
  9. nicenycdick

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    What I hate about this (and about all those "self-help" books) is that life rarely plays by the rules. How you act and what you do should change depending on your mood, your partner, your immediate needs, your long-term goals and a hundred other things. Thankfully, humans are very good at balancing all these things and generally getting what they need. That is why self-help books are useless...the advice always sounds right because there will always be a situation when it might be. It's kinda like Horoscopes...the advice is painted with such a broad brush that we are probably covered no matter how different we are. Just do what feels good, be honest with yourself and don't unnecessarily hurt others...that's all the advice we need.
     
  10. IntoxicatingToxin

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  11. JennyS

    JennyS New Member

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  12. whatireallywant

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    That's about the best advice I've seen in a long time! :smile:
     
  13. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
  14. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!

    HG,

    I think the word here is moderation. The rules were probably created for women who were overly clingy and reeked desperation. Everything has to be applied with a dose of good old common sense. Just to do "The Rules" for the rules sake but still being a simmering pot of insecurity underneath is disingenuous at best. I think people just need to have a life. We come into the world alone and we leave it alone. In between we encounter others. Living authentically and with an awareness of others and how we can best co-exist with them are traits to which I aspire.
     
  15. Not_Punny

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    I used to live and die on the old "don't sleep on it" rule, which I can attest is the stupidest rule known to man -- or rather, woman.

    In other words, shutting up, sleeping on it, getting perspective, etc. etc. etc. BEFORE talking is far better... and often results in having no urge or need to "talk about it" at all. :wink:
     
  16. snoozan

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    i've never operated by rules in relationships except those that have been agreed upon by the people involved. i've always just flown by the seat of my pants and let things work themselves out, determining my course of action as i go along.

    i agree with hotmilf, though, sometimes sleeping on something and gaining perspective is really necessary, and that's an old rule that i always keep in mind. interestingly, there may be something to sleeping on something-- sleep doctors are finding that we tend to think/make decisions/learn/integrate the day as we sleep, so it may well be that the old adage is spot on in a literal sense.
     
  17. whatireallywant

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    I think that's probably true. I was brought up that if I got into a serious relationship, not to go to bed angry with him, though, because what if he dies during the night and the last moments I spent with him alive I was angry with him? (Yes, my parents are morbid sometimes! :biggrin1:) That makes sense too, but so does sleeping on it and letting things settle, then the next day it may not be such a big deal as you thought it was... I suppose it would depend on the situation, and of course, I don't go by "the rules" or self-help books, etc. anyway - I think they're all full of gender stereotyping and I refuse to go along with that. So I just do my own thing.

    I have only been in two even halfway serious relationships, though, even at my age (that's probably as much to do with my shyness as it is to do with my extremely nontraditional way of looking at the world). One of those relationships ended bitterly because he was very sexist and adhered rather strictly to gender stereotypes and demanded that I do, too (doesn't work that way, dude!) Plus I found out that he was an alcoholic, or well on his way to being one, also, and I really don't need that in my life, particularly since he was in a denial mode. The other guy and I are still friends, and even sometimes with benefits, but because of some of his instability problems, among other things, we know that we are not cut out to get married or anything like that.
     
  18. SpoiledPrincess

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    One set of rules by which to run every relationship is just plain stupid, people are all different so you have to play it by ear. Personally I think Cosmo has in the past done quite a lot of harm with it's little guides. It's not a psychological magazine or a self help guide, it's a fashion magazine poking it's nose in where it shouldn't.
     
  19. whatireallywant

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    Exactly! And that's why for fashion magazines, I prefer In Style. They're pure fluff! :biggrin1: Just articles about fashion, beauty, and celebrities!
     
  20. Randyvoorburg

    Randyvoorburg Member

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    Cosmo exploits women's weaknesses by pretending to be helpful to them, empowering, etc. I don't know any great woman, or a woman on her way to greatness who reads Cosmo. Cosmo is a terrible thing, but unfortunately, it provides women in search of their identity a pathetic option. It's deceptively pro-women, the only thing it is is pro-women's money.
     
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