Could use some advice:

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Gregg_Ghorian, Oct 1, 2009.

  1. D_Gregg_Ghorian

    D_Gregg_Ghorian Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2006
    Messages:
    477
    Likes Received:
    2
    My wife and I are in a serious rutt. We have a 10 month old daugter so our sex life has all but diminished. She doeasnt really have the urge and can't quite explain why? I guess i feel responsible so ihave been taking this pretty hard. She says she's still attracted to me and I am to her. I need to get more passionate again. We used to so much different. It's been rough dealing with this. So I'm kinda looking for advice to get out of this rutt and get us both interested again.
    ThAnks
     
  2. flynn

    flynn Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2004
    Messages:
    516
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    70
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    MA
    I remember those times very well. Our sex life really took a hit. The reason was that my wife was so tired taking care of the baby that when she did have some free time she just wanted to rest. My life didn't change. I went to work and came home just like before the baby. My wifes life changed dramatically. She stayed home from work and raised the child. What I didn't realize then was that because she quit working her self esteem suffered. Then she had this baby who consumed most of her days and nights. Our sex life started getting better only when my wife was ok with my parents taking the baby for a day, then overnight. This only started when the baby was about 18 months. I hope I have been some help. You aren't alone. Most married couples probably are in the same situation when they have a new born.
     
  3. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    26
    well she has a ten month old baby!

    her hormones aren't back to normal and she's bloody knackered.
    it's completely normal for many women to not recover their sex drives for up to 18 months.

    instead of trying to romance her, try to relax her.
    the things that will help her drive recover sooner are minimising stress, good diet, making sure she's not too tired and NOT putting sexual pressure on her.

    the no pressure thing is important.
    small gestures of kindness will make her feel good.
    a foot rub will get you further than a hand up her blouse.
     
  4. joeweekend

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,740
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    98
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    US
    Verified:
    Photo
    Try making sex dirty again . . . .
     
  5. jumbo747jet

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2004
    Messages:
    5,448
    Likes Received:
    151
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Denmark
    I agree with what dolfette already has said but I want to add that you shouldn't be blaming yourself at all.

    Quite likely she's got her hands full being a mother right now and being a wife takes second priority. Let her know that you're proud to have a wife who is so dedicated to be a good mother to your child.
     
  6. D_Doewell Dadong

    D_Doewell Dadong New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2008
    Messages:
    650
    Likes Received:
    1
    Relaxation, good food and snuggling up on the sofa helps
     
  7. SpeedoGuy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2004
    Messages:
    4,229
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    10
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Pacific Northwest, USA
    I'm discouraged to hear you holding yourself responsible. If my own experience is any guide, I think the source of your discontent originates more in the circumstances than with an individual.

    If its any consolation, you're not alone. The number of relationships stressed and altered by the arrival of children is legion.
     
  8. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2008
    Messages:
    8,978
    Likes Received:
    11
    Good ideas so far ... plus, sleep. Make sure you guys get enough sleep. Even get away for a romantic weekend or just one night away ... go to bed early without sex, get plenty of rest, and then have breakfast and hot sex in your room the next morning.
     
  9. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    26
    yeah, it's really not your fault.
    and it's not that you're not attractive to her anymore.

    it's just that mother nature is demanding she put all her energies into being a mommy right now.
     
  10. Hippie Hollow Girl

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2006
    Messages:
    613
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    21
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Austin Texas
    Verified:
    Photo
    I would suggest making sure your wife gets enough rest and sleep. And then how about seeing if you can get someone to babysit the 10 month old like once a week and have a date night for a couple of hours. Go see a movie, go out to eat do something that the two of you enjoyed doing before the baby came. If you don't have family to help you out maybe you have another couple friend that is in the same boat and you could take turns watching each others kids for a couple of hours a week. Kind of a babysitting coop.

    That is what I would suggest. She needs a little bit of a break from being a mommy 24 / 7 so she can focus on herself and I bet her sex drive will come back.

    Just remember that there is an adjustment after having a baby. It feels like nothing will ever be the same, but hopefully it will be. Just be forewarned that it is worse after the 2nd child or it was for me. Not only did I have a new baby, but I had the older child to take care of too. EXHAUSTING!!!
     
  11. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,442
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra, Australia
    Most anglo women are like this, and it seems to be a cultural thing. They seem to transfer their affection from their husband to their baby, and there's not much that men can do about it.

    The only thing I know is that a lot of non-Anglo cultures don't go through this sexual trough; in my case I'm married to an African and our sex life more-or-less continued as before. What we did was schedule a time for sex, because looking after a normal healthy baby is a long way from being 24 hours a day and seven days a week occupation. You may get broken sleep and have to change baby's clothes a few times a day, but it isn't THAT tragic.

    There's always a way of finding a half hour to share passion with your husband a few times a week, if you look for it. And when you have sex with your partner it raises your testosterone, which raises your sex drive, which means you will want more sex. I know other men married to African women who had a similar experience to mine, and I also know men married to Asian women who also had regular post-baby sex. African culture is very sexual compared to Anglo culture, so continuing sex throughout a relationship is a normal part of life for them. Asian culture, indeed almost all cultures, are more sexual compared to Anglo culture.

    All this doesn't help except that the basic thrust is that many women can and many can't be bothered. But if a woman does make an effort more than once in a while, she will feel sexier and she will feel the urge to have more sex, and so it goes on. If she doesn't have sex her testosterone levels fall, and her desire for sex falls, and so it goes on, but downwards. As for me, at the time I felt very satisifed with my life. In retrospect I had something very special, and knowing this now increases my love for my wife.
     
  12. endcapper

    endcapper New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2009
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    brisbane
    get a baby sitter that will sit all night and half the morning. 9longer if she can handle being away from the baby) Take her out on a date and spoil her rotten. Don't worry about how tired you are. she gets the full attention and make this a regular occurrance in your marriage. If she doesn't want to go out, then a date at home works just as well providing she gets to kick back while you do all the work. Cooking cleaning up. ( actions speak louder than words. ) Give it time and things will go back to normal or better. I do hope you aren't a lazy hubby and leave all the house work up to her. your marriage is a partnership.
     
  13. endcapper

    endcapper New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2009
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    brisbane
    oh yeah a date at home requires a babysitter at another address, not at home.
     
  14. Hippie Hollow Girl

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2006
    Messages:
    613
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    21
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Austin Texas
    Verified:
    Photo
    I don't really remember having any problems not being interested in sex, I just remember that there were lots of changes to my body, my kids had feeding issues (they didn't want to breastfeed but I was bound and determined that they were going to breastfeed.) We didn't live near family or friends.....I ended up having 2 c-sections and broken tail bones from trying to give birth naturally. I just remember the first year after having each of my babies as being an exhaustive blur. And for some reason, while I was breastfeeding my husband wouldn't go near my breasts. Guess he thought that they were the baby's property at the time.

    What helped me was getting involved in the mommy's groups. I started what I called "Playgroups" where me and other mom's that had children my babies age would get together like once a week. It was great because we all ended up helping each other out. It is really important for couples to continue to have date time after they have children. If the mother is breastfeeding it might only be for a 4 hour time period, but it really helps the couple to connect.
     
  15. starstruck

    starstruck New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2008
    Messages:
    220
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    This often happens after the birth of a child. WHY? because the husband starts to view his wife as a "mother" and this stirs up all sorts of taboos regarding sex. The wife goes from being the "whore" to the "virgin"

    Try to see ur wife as ur intimate partner and not as a mother. Otherwise, the chances of finding a "whore" outside the marriage are high.
     
  16. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    I certainly hope you are doing your half f the childcare, thx55. Or as much as the mother lets you do, muwahaha. Being a parent should change you both right down to the chemical level and instincts will rule your attitudes. Yes your sex life will change, but parenting changes everything. This is not your fault, or hers, or the baby's, but it is the way things must be now. And schedules and date nights are your help here.
     
  17. Viking_UK

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2007
    Messages:
    1,245
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Scotland
    When you come home, tell her to put her feet up and relax that you'll take care of dinner and put the baby to bed. It's hard work looking after a child that young and she's probably exhausted, especially if she's breast feeding. That foot massage Dolfette suggested will do wonders too. You'd also be surprised at the reaction to a bunch of flowers and some compliments. Just don't expect the sex to start up again straightaway though.
     
  18. sexplease

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2006
    Messages:
    1,724
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    87
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Santa Monica CA
    ok. each of you get 3 3x5 cards and write on them something you like to or would like to do - preferably in the bed room or romantically.
    Shuffle them together, choose one in the morning every other day or every 3rd day and have that as your fun for that evening. You'll both be looking forward all day to what you're going to do that evening.
    Get a sitter or a mother-in-law to watch the child one night a month and go to a hotel.
    In time add a few more cards to the deck as your hearts and bodies desire and need.

    Needs must be met and shared and compromised with both partners in a relationship.

    have fun! that's why you are together.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted