Could you love a person with developmental disability?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dolfette, Jan 16, 2010.

  1. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    a horribly un-pc thread title for which i apologise.

    but i'm watching a film called 'tim', about an older woman who ends up marrying a young, attractive guy with the mind of a child...

    it's a sweet film. quite romantic in a way.

    is it abusive? taking advantage?
    or can you just love the nature of a person?
    could a protective, nurturing relationship benefit both?

    hmmmmm...
     
  2. D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov

    D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov Account Disabled

    Joined:
    May 31, 2009
    Messages:
    305
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hmmm, maybe I could love one, provided that they were ... sensitive enough, but not love them sexually.
     
  3. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    There is a folk song in my region called Too stupid. by Lou and Peter Berryman.

    I've had enough trouble with men who defeat me
    With partners who want nothing short of a victory
    I'm seeking a man who loves simply and strongly
    Too stupid to think so too stupid to wrong me.

    Too stupid to put himself down
    Too stupid to act like a clown
    Too stupid to push me around
    It's then that I'll know that a husband I've found

    And we will be married and we will be happy
    And pretty soon we will be mammy and pappy
    Looking after the kids won't be much of a bother
    They probably won't if they're dumb like their father.

    Too stupid to make any noise
    Too stupid to break all their toys
    Too stupid to trample my heart--
    Dumbness will keep us from falling apart.

    Our marriage will linger through many a summer,
    And I will grow wiser and he will grow dumber.
    (2 lines missing)
    Too stupid to get in my hair
    Too stupid to have an affair
    Too stupid to argue with me--
    With my dummy hubby it's happy I'll be.

    Since I was born very blond I have always been stereotyped at first glance as stupid, because I am also female. It's amazing how many men are frightened if you dispel that first impression and they run away. So in this little song the sexes are reversed, haha. Marrying a stupider person than yourself is a centuries old strategy, innit?
     
  4. g_whiz

    g_whiz New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Messages:
    280
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Raleigh NC
    I know you didn't mean anything by it, but the word "retard" drives me up the wall. Its pretty much a dim slur. As for the question, it depends on how high functioning they are. People w/ mental retardation function on different levels and while some can have relitivley normal lives and therefore have relativley normal sex lives, I think a lot of more severe cases would be exploitive of their disability.
     
  5. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    that song is too funny!
     
  6. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    i know that there are specialist dating agencies that match make for people with mental disabilities...often they have adult urges and the same desires and needs for love and companionship as everyone else...

    though it's confusing in a moral sense...
    it's illegal for a 14y/o mind in a 14y/o body to consent,
    but legal for a 10y/o mind in a 20y/o body.

    morally, if you love someone and are attracted to them physically, if they love you and are attracted to you physically, if they had an adult body and adult needs, if you cared for there needs and applied no pressure...they'd still be mentally underage maybe?

    this one is confusing the hell out of me!
     
  7. bigjpgh

    bigjpgh Member

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2007
    Messages:
    378
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Pittsburgh, PA
    i couldnt have an adult romantic type relationship with them. mental prowess, wit, intelligence, and similar mental and verbal characteristics are very important to me in a long term romantic relationship and if the other person was not mentally capable of that level of thought, then i could not love them romantically. now, i would be able to love them more as you would a child or something like that, which isnt less love, just different love
     
  8. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    8,104
    Likes Received:
    33
    If people can love me, then they can
     
  9. BigDallasDick8x6

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2006
    Messages:
    4,012
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    163
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Dallas TX (North Oak Cliff)
    Being mildly developmentally disabled (the appropriate term) is one thing, but the mind of a CHILD? Not cool. I would have to say the person involved in such a relationship has a screw loose, no matter how "sweet" the movie made it seem.
     
  10. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2007
    Messages:
    11,912
    Likes Received:
    43
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York City, by way of Marblehead, Boston and Ge
    Worst thread title ever. :wink:
     
  11. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    i know.
     
  12. vince

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2007
    Messages:
    14,785
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Asia
    I read that book years ago. As I recall it, she was at first physically attracted to the young guy and later developed romantic love for him. She taught him some letter or reading and he taught her how to love life. It was a beautiful story.

    I could fall in love with someone with the level of disability as the character in the book. But I don't think I could romantically love a severely mentally disabled person.
     
  13. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    i might read the book...
    from the film it's easy to empathise with him but she seems a bit cold. i'm guessing at some internal monologue present in the book but not in the film.
     
  14. thadjock

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2006
    Messages:
    2,675
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    271
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    LA CA USA
    i think i already do

    i mean who eats cheerios with a fork?!?
     
  15. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2006
    Messages:
    11,908
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northumberland
    At Dolfette's request I have changed the thread title as she sincerely did not want to cause offence to anyone.
     
  16. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    ahahahaha!

    well my bloke humours me over bigger silliness than that.
    i stuff chicken with a knife & fork, because touching meat is icky.
     
  17. arthurdent

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2006
    Messages:
    2,935
    Albums:
    5
    Likes Received:
    336
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    High Wycombe (GB)
    I watched the film "Tim" 30 years ago before I realised I was gay. Mel Gibson was hot back then. He wasn't playing the character as retarded as some people are imagining. I seem to recall he was working as a gardener. He was quiet and a bit dim but otherwise completely normal.
     
  18. Gillette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,309
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Nova Scotia
    Tim was a beautiful film. I first watched it when I was a teenager and again just last year when I bought the DVD at a yard sale. The first time I thought it so sweetly romantic, the second time watching I was left with the same questions you pose.

    It really depends on the level of psychological development, IMO. Tim, as depicted in the film was a highly functioning person with developmental disabilities. Basically he was just a guy devoid of the divisive and querelous nature that supposedly makes 'normal' people superior.

    Love and desire aren't complex concepts really, and in many cases it's the over thinking and injected complexities that drive people apart. There's something about the purity of feeling from an uncomplicated mind that holds an appeal that's hard to deny. The same theme was present in Forrest Gump. I think if the respect is present along with the genuine care for each other's physical and emotional well being then there shouldn't be a moral obstacle.


    I'll probably give it another watch this weekend now that you've mentioned it.
     
  19. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    uncomplicated purety...it's very easy to romanticise it as a theory.

    i suspect that in reality it would be hard to maintain respect for their opinions when making decisions if you are all to aware of your own greater ability to decide based on logical assessment of the full facts.

    but is it more disrespectful of their views to tell them they can only love and be loved by people with similar issues, not 'normal' people?

    :confused:
     
  20. Gillette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,309
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Nova Scotia
    Yes.

    Agreed. It would take a rare person not to become impatient or a bully in the relationship.

    I think so, yes.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted