Could you love a person with developmental disability?

[dolfette]

a horribly un-pc thread title for which i apologise.

but i'm watching a film called 'tim', about an older woman who ends up marrying a young, attractive guy with the mind of a child...

it's a sweet film. quite romantic in a way.

is it abusive? taking advantage?
or can you just love the nature of a person?
could a protective, nurturing relationship benefit both?

hmmmmm...

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

Hmmm, maybe I could love one, provided that they were ... sensitive enough, but not love them sexually.

 

[helgaleena]

There is a folk song in my region called Too stupid. by Lou and Peter Berryman.

I've had enough trouble with men who defeat me
With partners who want nothing short of a victory
I'm seeking a man who loves simply and strongly
Too stupid to think so too stupid to wrong me.

Too stupid to put himself down
Too stupid to act like a clown
Too stupid to push me around
It's then that I'll know that a husband I've found

And we will be married and we will be happy
And pretty soon we will be mammy and pappy
Looking after the kids won't be much of a bother
They probably won't if they're dumb like their father.

Too stupid to make any noise
Too stupid to break all their toys
Too stupid to trample my heart--
Dumbness will keep us from falling apart.

Our marriage will linger through many a summer,
And I will grow wiser and he will grow dumber.
(2 lines missing)
Too stupid to get in my hair
Too stupid to have an affair
Too stupid to argue with me--
With my dummy hubby it's happy I'll be.

Since I was born very blond I have always been stereotyped at first glance as stupid, because I am also female. It's amazing how many men are frightened if you dispel that first impression and they run away. So in this little song the sexes are reversed, haha. Marrying a stupider person than yourself is a centuries old strategy, innit?

 

[g_whiz]

I know you didn't mean anything by it, but the word "retard" drives me up the wall. Its pretty much a dim slur. As for the question, it depends on how high functioning they are. People w/ mental retardation function on different levels and while some can have relitivley normal lives and therefore have relativley normal sex lives, I think a lot of more severe cases would be exploitive of their disability.

 

[dolfette]

that song is too funny!

 

[dolfette]

I know you didn't mean anything by it, but the word "retard" drives me up the wall. Its pretty much a dim slur. As for the question, it depends on how high functioning they are. People w/ mental retardation function on different levels and while some can have relatively normal lives and therefore have relatively normal sex lives, I think a lot of more severe cases would be exploitive of their disability.

i know that there are specialist dating agencies that match make for people with mental disabilities...often they have adult urges and the same desires and needs for love and companionship as everyone else...

though it's confusing in a moral sense...
it's illegal for a 14y/o mind in a 14y/o body to consent,
but legal for a 10y/o mind in a 20y/o body.

morally, if you love someone and are attracted to them physically, if they love you and are attracted to you physically, if they had an adult body and adult needs, if you cared for there needs and applied no pressure...they'd still be mentally underage maybe?

this one is confusing the hell out of me!

 

[bigjpgh]

i couldnt have an adult romantic type relationship with them. mental prowess, wit, intelligence, and similar mental and verbal characteristics are very important to me in a long term romantic relationship and if the other person was not mentally capable of that level of thought, then i could not love them romantically. now, i would be able to love them more as you would a child or something like that, which isnt less love, just different love

 

[D_Jared Padalicki]

If people can love me, then they can

 

[BigDallasDick8x6]

but i'm watching a film called 'tim', about an older woman who ends up marrying a young, attractive guy with the mind of a child...

is it abusive? taking advantage?

Being mildly developmentally disabled (the appropriate term) is one thing, but the mind of a CHILD? Not cool. I would have to say the person involved in such a relationship has a screw loose, no matter how "sweet" the movie made it seem.

 

[B_Nick8]

Worst thread title ever. :wink:

 

[dolfette]

Worst thread title ever. :wink:

i know.

 

[vince]

I read that book years ago. As I recall it, she was at first physically attracted to the young guy and later developed romantic love for him. She taught him some letter or reading and he taught her how to love life. It was a beautiful story.

I could fall in love with someone with the level of disability as the character in the book. But I don't think I could romantically love a severely mentally disabled person.

 

[dolfette]

I read that book years ago. As I recall it, she was at first physically attracted to the young guy and later developed romantic love for him. She taught him some letter or reading and he taught her how to love life. It was a beautiful story.

I could fall in love with someone with the level of disability as the character in the book. But I don't think I could romantically love a severely mentally disabled person.

i might read the book...
from the film it's easy to empathise with him but she seems a bit cold. i'm guessing at some internal monologue present in the book but not in the film.

 

[thadjock]

i think i already do

i mean who eats cheerios with a fork?!?

 

[DaveyR]

At Dolfette's request I have changed the thread title as she sincerely did not want to cause offence to anyone.

 

[dolfette]

i think i already do

i mean who eats cheerios with a fork?!?

ahahahaha!

well my bloke humours me over bigger silliness than that.
i stuff chicken with a knife & fork, because touching meat is icky.

 

[arthurdent]

I watched the film "Tim" 30 years ago before I realised I was gay. Mel Gibson was hot back then. He wasn't playing the character as retarded as some people are imagining. I seem to recall he was working as a gardener. He was quiet and a bit dim but otherwise completely normal.

 

[Gillette]

Tim was a beautiful film. I first watched it when I was a teenager and again just last year when I bought the DVD at a yard sale. The first time I thought it so sweetly romantic, the second time watching I was left with the same questions you pose.

It really depends on the level of psychological development, IMO. Tim, as depicted in the film was a highly functioning person with developmental disabilities. Basically he was just a guy devoid of the divisive and querelous nature that supposedly makes 'normal' people superior.

Love and desire aren't complex concepts really, and in many cases it's the over thinking and injected complexities that drive people apart. There's something about the purity of feeling from an uncomplicated mind that holds an appeal that's hard to deny. The same theme was present in Forrest Gump. I think if the respect is present along with the genuine care for each other's physical and emotional well being then there shouldn't be a moral obstacle.


I'll probably give it another watch this weekend now that you've mentioned it.

 

[dolfette]

Love and desire aren't complex concepts really, and in many cases it's the over thinking and injected complexities that drive people apart. There's something about the purity of feeling from an uncomplicated mind that holds an appeal that's hard to deny. The same theme was present in Forrest Gump. I think if the respect is present along with the genuine care for each other's physical and emotional well being then there shouldn't be a moral obstacle.

uncomplicated purety...it's very easy to romanticise it as a theory.

i suspect that in reality it would be hard to maintain respect for their opinions when making decisions if you are all to aware of your own greater ability to decide based on logical assessment of the full facts.

but is it more disrespectful of their views to tell them they can only love and be loved by people with similar issues, not 'normal' people?

 

[Gillette]

uncomplicated purety...it's very easy to romanticise it as a theory.

Yes.

i suspect that in reality it would be hard to maintain respect for their opinions when making decisions if you are all to aware of your own greater ability to decide based on logical assessment of the full facts.

Agreed. It would take a rare person not to become impatient or a bully in the relationship.

but is it more disrespectful of their views to tell them they can only love and be loved by people with similar issues, not 'normal' people?

I think so, yes.