it's one thing to go to lunch together, it's another thing when the coworker is actually at times spending their own money on your partner. shows that he is clearly interested and i'm wondering if she is 'leading him on' by allowing him to do so or worse interested in him too.
Coworker treating your partner to lunch
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Stephenmass
Legendary Member
Any male coworker that goes to lunch with a female coworker generally springs for the lunch. It might be nothing.
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
Nope. Not the case at all...
Any woman regularly going to lunch with a male co-worker and not intending to give the wrong idea makes a point of paying, either for her meal separately, or swapping the obligation of who pays the tab. He pays one time, she pays the next.
The only exception I can think of is when the guy is clearly several pay grades above you, in which case, his paying the tab may be a reflection of his higher income and might not be associated with his romantic interests.
But seriously... in this world, men paying the tab every time is an invocation of the man PROVIDING for a woman.
In social circumstance it is intended and taken as an indication of a man's willingness to devote his resources to her benefit, and as such, it is ALWAYS a form of sexual courtship, or, in the case of their being a boss, at the very least a form of paternalism. This is genetically programed; Even chimpanzee males bring food to females to win them over.
Women accepting a man's routinely paying for her meals, drinks, or anything else, are either signaling their interest, acquiescing to the position of economic and social subordinate, or merely taking advantage of some guy's interest they have no intention of reciprocating.
So, either he makes a lot more than her and she feels its fair.... in which case it may be nothing ( or maybe not- lots of Bosses end up married to or schtupping attractive subordinates )... or she's interested in an affair or trading up... in which case its not innocent... or she's just taking advantage of a guy... in which case there's no danger of an affair... but she's revealed as being selfishly manipulative.
That means that the likelihood of this reflecting well on Her is less than 33%
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NicholasSommerby
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Hmm, I don't really know how to read that to be honest. Is he spending money on her for more than just lunch, or are you just saying that him buying her lunch is a regular thing?
And really, I'm with Phil on this one. It's one thing if it's a one time thing. If he's constantly buying her lunch on more than one occasion, it does make me a little curious as to his intentions. While we've evolved in this day and age to where it's perfectly acceptable for both parties to their half of the bill, it's still pretty much seen as a romantic/interested gesture for one to pay the whole thing. And like I said, the fact that it possibly sounds like it could be a regular thing has me a bit curious about it.
And really, I'm with Phil on this one. It's one thing if it's a one time thing. If he's constantly buying her lunch on more than one occasion, it does make me a little curious as to his intentions. While we've evolved in this day and age to where it's perfectly acceptable for both parties to their half of the bill, it's still pretty much seen as a romantic/interested gesture for one to pay the whole thing. And like I said, the fact that it possibly sounds like it could be a regular thing has me a bit curious about it.
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
PS- so OP, you are unclear... does this guy pay EVERY time? Or is your girl paying for him SOME of the time?
Or does he pay her tab sometime, and she pay for her own sometime, but not pay for his, ever? ( this might simply indicate that he may not be her boss... but they both know he earns more than she does)
Or does he pay her tab sometime, and she pay for her own sometime, but not pay for his, ever? ( this might simply indicate that he may not be her boss... but they both know he earns more than she does)
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
If I invite someone out to lunch or dinner, I always pay the tab...
If they have any sense of social reciprocity, they will, in return, invite me out to lunch and they will pay the tab.
If they never reciprocate... then the likelihood of my inviting them out diminishes.
If I buy someone a sandwich cause their short of funds... they generally make it up to me later...
But when one person repeatedly pays for another, it creates a social inequity... an imbalance in obligation.
No matter how evolved we get, this is wired into how our brains generate morality.
That sense of social obligation has been used by men to pressure women into sex.
And as such, a boss frequently inviting out and paying for a subordinate's meals can tread very perilously near harassment.
How likely the subordinate is to see it as harassment has a lot to do with how welcoming they might be to any advance. Men seek financial success partly to be attractive to women... and it does work.
But people who want to see it all as innocent and not meaning anything are simply oblivious or fooling themselves.
Once or twice... its maybe just generosity.
Time after time after time? the sense of debt or obligation builds, either willingly, or resentfully.
If they have any sense of social reciprocity, they will, in return, invite me out to lunch and they will pay the tab.
If they never reciprocate... then the likelihood of my inviting them out diminishes.
If I buy someone a sandwich cause their short of funds... they generally make it up to me later...
But when one person repeatedly pays for another, it creates a social inequity... an imbalance in obligation.
No matter how evolved we get, this is wired into how our brains generate morality.
That sense of social obligation has been used by men to pressure women into sex.
And as such, a boss frequently inviting out and paying for a subordinate's meals can tread very perilously near harassment.
How likely the subordinate is to see it as harassment has a lot to do with how welcoming they might be to any advance. Men seek financial success partly to be attractive to women... and it does work.
But people who want to see it all as innocent and not meaning anything are simply oblivious or fooling themselves.
Once or twice... its maybe just generosity.
Time after time after time? the sense of debt or obligation builds, either willingly, or resentfully.
picking up the tab in general.
if i ask some one to food me with, i pay.
when i ask some one out for food... i am after food and conversation. not access to genitalia.
if co-fooding is a regular thing, we trade off.
when i co-food with my bestie, we steal snacks
when i co-food with the boy, even if i ask, he pays.. because he's from Texas *his logic, not mine*
when my boss-figure co-foods he pays. as far as iknow... he's not after my happy meal.
dudes... for true.... buying me food is nice.
i am not a food pyramid ho'
if i ask some one to food me with, i pay.
when i ask some one out for food... i am after food and conversation. not access to genitalia.
if co-fooding is a regular thing, we trade off.
when i co-food with my bestie, we steal snacks
when i co-food with the boy, even if i ask, he pays.. because he's from Texas *his logic, not mine*
when my boss-figure co-foods he pays. as far as iknow... he's not after my happy meal.
dudes... for true.... buying me food is nice.
i am not a food pyramid ho'
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
picking up the tab in general.
if i ask some one to food me with, i pay.
when i ask some one out for food... i am after food and conversation. not access to genitalia.
if co-fooding is a regular thing, we trade off.
when i co-food with my bestie, we steal snacks
when i co-food with the boy, even if i ask, he pays.. because he's from Texas *his logic, not mine*
when my boss-figure co-foods he pays. as far as iknow... he's not after my happy meal.
dudes... for true.... buying me food is nice.
i am not a food pyramid ho'
What you describe is exactly as I have outlined it.
The Boss issue is, however, complicated by orientation.
not being gay, I would be very unlikely to take my male boss' offer to pay as being any kind of play....
But if my Boss were a woman of likely age, the situation might feel and actually be different.
Women get pursued at work. 9 times out of 10 it takes the form of meals out.
she never pays but she just started there so he definitely makes a lot more
agree completely
v
v
v
i understand the fact that he makes more means he would pay but his intentions i feel still aren't pure. but you guys make good points and i never thought about the fact that he does make quite more
billybones
Superior Member
Clearly interested would be finding texts, phone calls from him, or his penis inside her lol.
I work where there are many times we all go out in little groups for lunch. I flip the bill when I suggest somewhere and they just don't remove their money in time. It's really that dumb. It means diddly shit to me to pay for my coworkers, who are mostly female. I know my wife doesn't mind since I've asked her. Now if I just took ONE out every day for lunch and paid for the bill EVERY time and ONLY with her...yeah that's fucked up.
I work where there are many times we all go out in little groups for lunch. I flip the bill when I suggest somewhere and they just don't remove their money in time. It's really that dumb. It means diddly shit to me to pay for my coworkers, who are mostly female. I know my wife doesn't mind since I've asked her. Now if I just took ONE out every day for lunch and paid for the bill EVERY time and ONLY with her...yeah that's fucked up.
twoton
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Context is everything, OP. More details, please.
When this situation happens at work, it flips between who invites, regardless of pay scale.
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
Creepy... but so very true.
People keep thinking we do things for cultural reasons.
A lot of what we do, and why certain things bother us, is hardwired by long history.
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
Do not think that's always a good sign...
Men who make more often parley that into relationship...
Its hard to say no to lunch with the boss... or a higher up, because it might lead to something better, and refusal might make a enemy...
So men in the workplace OFTEN use this pressure to get a woman to spend time with them... and they often have an ulterior motive, either in hanky panky, or even seeking a mate, themselves.
Again... its more acceptable and less likely to be fishy if the person doing the paying is not a potential love interest...
But when a heterosexual male takes a hetero female out to lunch and always pays... it is still a very iffy thing.
He might have innocent intentions, or she might.
But with two people involved and the dynamics of a male providing for a female... it simply sets the stage for million year old expectations of courtship.
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