critisizing your partner in public.

[dolfette]

it's a pet hate of mine.

last weekend i visited my sister and she was constantly sniping at him. if they were having a row and there was nobody else there then, whatever, fair enough. but it was in front of me.
(yes, i did mention this a couple of days later and tell her i didn't think it was right. it's not something he would ever do to her)

me? i don't even like telling my kids off in public if i can get away with a warning look and a telling off when we get home. i think that humiliating people is rarely a productive thing. i tease people a lot, but would never want to be critical in front of people if it could be avoided.

and i hate seeing it.
it speaks of a lack of respect for your partner.

thoughts?

 

[D_Hey Sailor]

I agree that it's generally in bad to taste to do, but some people are just low self monitors. I don't think they intend to make a scene or humiliate their partner, and they've probably never been confronted about it before.

Kudos to you for having followed-up and said something.

 

[Pendlum]

Oh my god yes. I hate it.

 

[ManofThunder]

Yes, public humiliation isn't something I like. (I'm calling it humiliation because in my mind, that's what it is.) It's counter-productive. It leads to more arguments in my experience. Another side-argument will start over the humilation and before you know it, the original issue will be forgotten. 'Tis silliness.

 

[dolfette]

I agree that it's generally in bad to taste to do, but some people are just low self monitors. I don't think they intend to make a scene or humiliate their partner, and they've probably never been confronted about it before.

Kudos to you for having followed-up and said something.

oh, i agree. but that's almost as bad to my mind.
they are so casual in picking apart their partner's faults that they don't even notice they're doing it?

 

[B_doogie888]

I would never, ever criticize an SO in public. You have to be careful what you do, because sometimes you can't take it back.

 

[dolfette]

Yes, public humiliation isn't something I like. (I'm calling it humiliation because in my mind, that's what it is.) It's counter-productive. It leads to more arguments in my experience. Another side-argument will start over the humilation and before you know it, the original issue will be forgotten. 'Tis silliness.

i can't think of a situation where this would be the best way to deal with an issue. it's going to make them resent you, not listen to your point of view. they'll be too busy resenting you to sympathise with whatever your reason for being upset is. silly indeed.

 

[Pendlum]

I think I read about this study that showed that nagging/nitpicking/etc. someone actually was more likely to make them to do the opposite of what you want.

 

[dolfette]

I think I read about this study that showed that nagging/nitpicking/etc. someone actually was more likely to make them to do the opposite of what you want.

seems like common sense really.
you pick at a person, they resent you, they want to annoy you the way you annoy them.

 

[D_Hey Sailor]

oh, i agree. but that's almost as bad to my mind.
they are so casual in picking apart their partner's faults that they don't even notice they're doing it?

I think they are aware of of the criticism, but don't note the audience around them. My sister is like this.

She can yammer aloud on any topic in public until I go red with embarrassment and have to point out why. After that she's more self conscious about the behavior than me... for a day or two.

In some ways I envy people like this. I feel like I compromise my own behaviors too much in order to avoid attracting attention. At the very least, it must be liberating to say what you want, when you want, regardless of what others might think.

 

[ManofThunder]

i can't think of a situation where this would be the best way to deal with an issue. it's going to make them resent you, not listen to your point of view. they'll be too busy resenting you to sympathise with whatever your reason for being upset is. silly indeed.

Exactly. Not only does it damage the relationship internally, but it also makes tongues wag and causes damage externally. Friends will say, "Are you two breaking-up?" or "You seemed like such good friends, what's wrong?" That adds tension, too. It's never good to wash your dirty laundry in public. Keep it at home.

 

[dolfette]

I think they are aware of of the criticism, but don't note the audience around them. My sister is like this.

She can yammer aloud on any topic in public until I go red with embarrassment and have to point out why. After that she's more self conscious about the behavior than me... for a day or two.

In some ways I envy people like this. I feel like I compromise my own behaviors too much in order to avoid attracting attention. At the very least, it must be liberating to say what you want, when you want, regardless of what others might think.

in her case, no, she was talking to me between snipes.
and, especially at work, i find that one partner will often try to enlist a third party to be on their side. that's just vile! you not only humiliate your SO, but you then put innocent bystanders in an awkward and embarrassing situation for the sake of childish oneupmanship.

 

[NY4Curious]

Dolfette I completely agree with you, it's rude, it's embarrasing and it reveals the critic is a person totally with class.

 

[dolfette]

Dolfette I completely agree with you, it's rude, it's embarrasing and it reveals the critic is a person totally without class.

as the audience, i instantly sympathise with the person being picked at/on, regardless of what they are supposed to have done.

 

[nudeyorker]

This is something that would never happen with my partner and I. I've seen other couples do it and I would rather throw myself in front of a moving train than humiliate myself or my partner like that. It's never happened and it never will. I'm still slightly damaged by what I have witnessed other people do to each other in public.

 

[dolfette]

This is something that would never happen with my partner and I. I've seen other couples do it and I would rather throw myself in front of a moving train than humiliate myself or my partner like that. It's never happened and it never will. I'm still slightly damaged by what I have witnessed other people do to each other in public.

tangent/ your relationship sounds great. so sweet it makes me 'awwww!'

 

[nudeyorker]

tangent/ your relationship sounds great. so sweet it makes me 'awwww!'

Thank you... I was single for a long time and it gave me a chance to seriously consider what I was looking for and what I wanted married life to be and not be. It's not always perfect but we are both happy and in love. Sometimes we roll our eyes at each other behind each others backs though.

 

[Stephenmass]

I have only once criticized my partner in public and it was a total accident. We were on a gay cruise in an elevator going back to the room. He had taken 4 or 5 cookies from the all night buffet that admittedly looked good and were low fat. He was on the elevator saying something to someone else riding the elevator about how they were low fat and I said "yeah, but five cookies is not low fat!!".... I knew as soon as I said it but it had already left my mouth unfortunately. I apologized to him in more ways than one when we got back to the room and truly felt awful that I even thought to say it.

 

[nudeyorker]

I have only once criticized my partner in public and it was a total accident. We were on a gay cruise in an elevator going back to the room. He had taken 4 or 5 cookies from the all night buffet that admittedly looked good and were low fat. He was on the elevator saying something to someone else riding the elevator about how they were low fat and I said "yeah, but five cookies is not low fat!!".... I knew as soon as I said it but it had already left my mouth unfortunately. I apologized to him in more ways than one when we got back to the room and truly felt awful that I even thought to say it.

Oh I say that silently all the time by lifting my right eyebrow!

 

[ManofThunder]

Oh I say that silently all the time by lifting my right eyebrow!

I knew you were Roger Moore.