Crush Dilemma

[giant1234]

I have lurked around this site for quite some time, but this is the first time I have ever asked for advice. I searched the forum and actually found some relevant posts, but I decided to start my own thread. You see, I have a dilemma. I apologize for the long-windedness.

A little background first. I'm a 32 year old man. I'm of the belief that sexuality is a spectrum, and rarely are people 100% straight or 100% gay. All my relationships have been with women. I have never messed around with a guy before, but I consider myself bi-sexual because I am attracted to men as well. I wouldn't be against trying something with a guy, I've just never had the opportunity to do so, and the urge has never been strong enough to act on.

I haven't been in a relationship for about a year. The last one ended poorly, and I just haven't had the energy to try again. Here's where things get interesting/complicated -- I have a huge crush on a guy I work with. It's developed slowly over time as we have become friends. I haven't had these strong of feelings for anyone in a long, long time. It's been very strange, and needless to say I'm…wait for it…confused. I don't know if this is an infatuation, if it's a jealousy thing, or if I'm in love (weird for me to even think about). Now, I can't do anything about this crush. This is a co-worker, most likely straight, and I'm just not in a position or frame of mind where I would divulge these feelings. It would be inappropriate anyway. But this has all been very painful because I can't avoid this person. I see him every single day at work. I can't get him out of my mind and I don't know what to do. This truly is a first for me.

Does anyone have any advice, or any insight that might help me? I'm downplaying the fact that this has me pretty upset and depressed. I hate to whine, but I truly have no idea how to handle this. Hopefully I'll get over it and the feelings will go away, or at least decrease in severity. Thanks in advance for what I hope will be a constructive conversation.

 

[Takenachance]

My advice would be to get yourself some random & spontaneous man sex.

Whatever your comfortable doing. You may or may not even enjoy it, but either way, it will take away some of the sting your feeling with this co-worker.

 

[atlas23]

I would ask you how close r y 2? Is he married or in a relationship? If u r bisexual, just treat the situation as any other time when you have been attraceted to someone. What do u think are your chances?

 

[D_Sparroe Spongecaques]

I feel for you......i have a massive crush on someone too..........he isnt even in the same country as me LOL!!

Still,it's nice to feel swishy in my tummy for some poor unsuspecting soul

 

[deleted3782]

You have pretty much boxed yourself in:

Now, I can't do anything about this crush.

I'm just not in a position or frame of mind where I would divulge these feelings.

Since you aren't going to follow up with him...you can either hold on to it or you move on.

If you want a trick on how to move on, remind yourself that he is straight and needs to find a great women to be with, and that he would not be very happy with you in the long run. If you want the best to happen for him, then you will hope he finds a great woman.

There's no magic in how to move on, just focus on enjoying other interests.

 

[Countryguy63]

Wow, really hard to advise how to deal with it, but I did want to tell you that with him being a coworker, you are making the correct decision to avoid any situations involving sexual circumstances.

As funny as it may have sounded, finding some NSA man to man contact may help aleviate the frustration. I don't know?

Good Luck and ((Hugs)) to ya

 

[B_RedDude]

Dude, you don't need to apologize for your "long-windedness" or for the thoughts and feelings you are having because of your dilemma. I'm a little older than you, and I know that a situation like this can be one of the most painful things a guy can experience, especially if it's in a work situation. And not to be negative, but there is rarely, maybe never, a solution, as long as your feelings last, if the other guy is not clearly showing, or even hinting at, the same interest. And even if he was just showing possible hints, it's still dicey, because it's at work.

I was in a situation at a job I left a couple of years ago (for unrelated reasons) and it still took me a hell of a long time to get over it. While I was still working there, I even tried seeing a therapist, who, frankly, wasn't much help. My situation differed in that it was the rather unusual behavior of the other party that precipitated the crush in the first place. It might not have been as tough as your current situation, but it was pretty awful and distracting.

My rule has been not to get involved with people at work. While not really "out" at work, I assumed that people at least suspected that I was gay (I never talked about girlfriends or pussy or anything like that); although when I finally had to tell my manager, he said he had had no idea. I had sort of trained myself to emotionally wall off the possibility of a crush happening at work. Obviously, it's too late for you to do that in this situation.

I don't really have any immediate advice for you. Its really tough and you have my sympathy.

One question I have to verify your OP is whether you experience this as primarily a physical, sexual attraction or something more emotionally involved. From what you wrote it sounds like the latter. It might sound like a stupid question, but I want to make sure that I understand your situation correctly.

 

[B_RedDude]

I seriously doubt this will work in this guy's situation.

My advice would be to get yourself some random & spontaneous man sex.

Whatever your comfortable doing. You may or may not even enjoy it, but either way, it will take away some of the sting your feeling with this co-worker.

 

[giant1234]

Thank you all for the responses. I know there isn't an easy fix to this situation. Talking about it, even in this anonymous form, is very helpful.

I would ask you how close r y 2? Is he married or in a relationship? If u r bisexual, just treat the situation as any other time when you have been attraceted to someone. What do u think are your chances?

We are fairly close. We hang out with mutual work friends often. It's hard because we do the man-flirt thing (away from work). We joke around with each other all the time. Sometimes I actually worry that he might pick up on my feelings at some point, so I purposefully tone it down. He's not married and he's single. Even if there wasn't the work issue, I would have a hard time saying anything because I have never acted on my bi-sexual side. That complicates things. But if he made a pass at me I would certainly give it a shot. Not going to happen though.

One question I have to verify your OP is whether you experience this as primarily a physical, sexual attraction or something more emotionally involved.

Hard to say. I am attracted to him, but the emotional part is the part that is new for me, and that's what is making this more difficult than usual.

Maybe if I got back into dating women, that would help get my mind off it. If I didn't have to see this person all the time, I think this would be much easier to get over. I've also noticed that my attraction to women is less at the moment, probably because my mind is fixated on this guy. Emotions are so damn complicated.

 

[avdude19]

Lol what happened to you don't believe anyone is 100% str8 or gay aha. Sounds to me like your just doubting yourself aha. =P. I think you should be careful on acting upon your urge to be with him. You no what I'm saying? Basically go with your gut feelings about this guy but don't get carried away, and hey if it turns out he's not into guys well at least you'll have that question answered and you can focus more on your work than wondering whether a relationship with him is possible.

 

[ck1x]

I have to say that I have a similar situation going on at work as well. I find myself infatuated with this guy at work and he wants us to do more things outside of work and all. I know the guy is not gay(maybe confused!since he has stated he might try something with a guy at least once) but he is very intouch with his feelings and still a very masculine guy that plays sports and all, which I think is what really makes him so attractive to me. I have to refrain from wanting anything more though at this time because I really like this guy as a good friend as well and would never want to loose what we have now!

 

[balkanxxl]

giant1234,

I think you know why this is hard, giant1234. It's the not knowing. You don't even know if he is gay/bi. I bet if you knew he was straight, this would go away fairly fast. But you are stuck in this dilemma because right now you simply don't know.

It also doesn't help that you aren't comfortable dealing with guys in this way - as you mentioned, you've never felt such emotions for guys before. And dealing with these emotions in a public place - work, is def difficult.

You really have to try to end this dilemma as quick as you can. And the best way to do that is try to get to know him more and at least find out one way or another what his orientation is. Then you can move from there!

We have all had crushes at some point, so we all understand the feelings and how difficult/tricky they can be.

 

[B_RedDude]

I get totally lost in the sea of this ambiguous (to me) behavior on the part of straight guys.

It's hard because we do the man-flirt thing (away from work).

 

[balkanxxl]

Well gay guys do it with women..it means nothing. You flirt, emotionally it means nothing..you are just saying stuff. Being flirty and open are personality traits. If you have those traits, you just do it and don't think about it really.

So what a person in this predicament has to realize is that the other person may feel nothing emotionally..to them its just "saying" stuff, its part of their personality. For the other person though it can be very emotional and meaningful.

 

[giant1234]

giant1234,

I think you know why this is hard, giant1234. It's the not knowing. You don't even know if he is gay/bi. I bet if you knew he was straight, this would go away fairly fast. But you are stuck in this dilemma because right now you simply don't know.

It also doesn't help that you aren't comfortable dealing with guys in this way - as you mentioned, you've never felt such emotions for guys before. And dealing with these emotions in a public place - work, is def difficult.

You really have to try to end this dilemma as quick as you can. And the best way to do that is try to get to know him more and at least find out one way or another what his orientation is. Then you can move from there!

You're definitely right on here about the not knowing. The only issue is, even if I found out he was bi or gay, there's the work issue. Not to mention it would be decision time for me to act on these feelings or not, which would mean coming out as bi officially. Obviously that is a tough thing to do for many people, and it just comes down to me accepting myself and living life in the way that makes me happy. Easier said than done, as I'm sure many of you know.

I appreciate the great advice and insight. I don't see this going away any time soon, so I'm going to do my best to move on. Would avoiding this person help? I feel like a teenager with my first crush again -- it's really weird.

 

[DavidXL]

Giant - I completely sympathize with your situation. I'm a mostly straight guy, married, but have always had feelings for guys, too. Most of the feelings for guys have been just sexual, but some have been more emotional. I think the not knowing whether they are fully straight or not (and the fear of coming out as bi or not fully straight) makes it harder. One regret I have at 45 is that I did not explore those bi feelings more before I was married. I was completely closeted about those feelings and wonder now what opportunities I missed by being afraid to be a little more honest with myself and with others about who I really am.

My advice is to casually let this guy know you have a bit of a bi side and would be open to it (not specifically with him) in the right circumstances. It opens the door but doesn't put you in the awkward position of potentially making a pass that is ill-received. What's the worst that could happen if he happened to know that about you? If he decided to hate you because of it - he will have been doing you a big favor, because that's not someone you would want to be friends with. I will tell you one thing, however - the bi feelings don't go away. Better to figure things out now. Good luck, whatever you do!

 

[B_RedDude]

How do you think the guy would react if you started avoiding him since you are already pretty good buds?

I am gay, but I could see where being bi is harder, and more complicated.

I don't see this going away any time soon, so I'm going to do my best to move on. Would avoiding this person help? I feel like a teenager with my first crush again -- it's really weird

Not to mention it would be decision time for me to act on these feelings or not, which would mean coming out as bi officially. Obviously that is a tough thing to do for many people, and it just comes down to me accepting myself and living life in the way that makes me happy. Easier said than done, as I'm sure many of you know.

 

[B_RedDude]

David, do you think the straight guys around you pick up on your bi side?

Excellent post, by the way. I'd be really careful, though, about broaching these subjects at work.

I'm a mostly straight guy, married, but have always had feelings for guys, too. Most of the feelings for guys have been just sexual, but some have been more emotional.

 

[bigbulgelicker45]

For me, crushes are a funny thing. Sometimes they last a long time (the longest crush lasted about 20 years) and maybe by the end of the week it could be gone.

It's hard keeping a crush to yourself and if you mention something to your friends they like to rub it in and you'll never hear the end of it.

Most of the crushes I've had have been with guys at work and while we worked together I ran into him at a gay bar. That only heightened my crush on him and a couple of years later he was fired from the company.

One afternoon after work, I felt like a drink (you know one of those days during the summer when it's hot out and you just fel like having a drink?) so I stopped for one and he was at the bar. A few hours and more alcohol later we went back to my place, passed out and while he was sleeping I was getting ready for work.

Before I left I gave him head and was a little later on my way in to work. I think I told him that night that I had a crush on him and that seemed to seal the deal.

Anyway, I was disappointed since none of what I had hoped was true (i.e. like him being hung) but he did have a nice hairy chest which I had hoped he had. A couple of weeks later he called me at work to see if I was free but had made plans with one of my friends and we stopped at the bar and he was there.

That was the last I saw of him (and as polite as I am I did ask if he wanted to go to the show with us).

 

[DavidXL]

David, do you think the straight guys around you pick up on your bi side?

Excellent post, by the way. I'd be really careful, though, about broaching these subjects at work.

RedDude - Thanks. I don't think the straight guys around me now pick up on it. I'm married, as I mentioned, and pretty discreet. The only thing suspect about me is that I'm not really into sports. In my pre-married life, I think a couple of friends picked up on it. One was a friend I fooled around with on spring break. Another was a college roommate I JO'd with. I also had a very close friendship with a guy at work who I'm 99% certain is like me and had a crush on me. Work-wise, he was kind of a douche (e.g., being weasly for the best assignments), so I didn't fully trust him and didn't let it happen. I agree that work is not the best place to date and you have to be super-careful. It can work out, however, if you are careful (it's actually where I met my wife). In terms of people knowing at work that you have a bi side, that is perfectly OK in my mind.