Crush Dilemma

[B_RedDude]

I live in San Francisco and I know that there are definitely straight guys here who are not into sports.

The only thing suspect about me is that I'm not really into sports.

 

[giant1234]

Giant - I completely sympathize with your situation. I'm a mostly straight guy, married, but have always had feelings for guys, too. Most of the feelings for guys have been just sexual, but some have been more emotional. I think the not knowing whether they are fully straight or not (and the fear of coming out as bi or not fully straight) makes it harder. One regret I have at 45 is that I did not explore those bi feelings more before I was married. I was completely closeted about those feelings and wonder now what opportunities I missed by being afraid to be a little more honest with myself and with others about who I really am.

My advice is to casually let this guy know you have a bit of a bi side and would be open to it (not specifically with him) in the right circumstances. It opens the door but doesn't put you in the awkward position of potentially making a pass that is ill-received. What's the worst that could happen if he happened to know that about you? If he decided to hate you because of it - he will have been doing you a big favor, because that's not someone you would want to be friends with. I will tell you one thing, however - the bi feelings don't go away. Better to figure things out now. Good luck, whatever you do!

David,

Thank you. Your post was extremely helpful. I know how careful I have to be with the work situation, but I think I am going to drop a few hints if the opportunity arises organically. It would have to be very subtle in a group situation. I already told my best friend that I have bi-sexual feelings. That was really hard for me, but was no big deal after all. I guess it's a process, and like you said, I don't want to get into a situation where I regret that I didn't explore these feelings. It's still confusing as hell, and there are moments when I catch myself feeling "disgusted" or "perverted" for having feelings for another guy; that's sad, and speaks to my upbringing and where our society is with sexuality in general. I have to remind myself that I'm not sick. This is who I am.

The crush is still killing me though. Never thought something like this would cause me so much heartache. Such is life.

 

[giant1234]

How do you think the guy would react if you started avoiding him since you are already pretty good buds?

I am gay, but I could see where being bi is harder, and more complicated.

He would probably think it was weird. But for my own sanity, I might just have to spend less time around him. Of course, I like him (crush aside), so that will be hard. We shall see how things go.

 

[B_RedDude]

Please keep us updated.

We shall see how things go.

 

[giant1234]

I will definitely let everyone know how things go. Thanks again for the advice. Back to work on Monday.

 

[B_Tonnie]

I understand where you are coming from man. I feel for you. Try an experiment, if you're hanging out together, get him over for a few beers, maybe watch a porno or two, slip a gay one in the mix, see how he reacts, if it's definately in the negative blame the dvd store for the mix up. Whatever you do i wish you luck. Keep us posted.lol. Tonnie.

 

[DavidXL]

It's still confusing as hell, and there are moments when I catch myself feeling "disgusted" or "perverted" for having feelings for another guy; that's sad, and speaks to my upbringing and where our society is with sexuality in general. I have to remind myself that I'm not sick. This is who I am.

The crush is still killing me though. Never thought something like this would cause me so much heartache. Such is life.

I think it is pretty common to have felt "disgusted" or "perverted" - it's a terrible shame. I know I did for a long time. I have long since gotten over it, and you will, too. They way I look at it now, I see some of what I consider my "gayer" traits as some of the best parts of me. I'm a pretty creative thinker and being "different" has made me a more compassionate human being. One thing that really helped me get past a lot of things was reading gay-themed fiction. Andre Aciman's "Call Me By Your Name" (a gay love story), for example really showed me how beautiful a M-M relationship could be. Since then, I have read a lot of gay-themed fiction and it has made me much more self-accepting of this side of me.

And the funny thing about crushes is sometimes they like you back. My office crush is now my wife. And my gym crush, a straight guy I had admired for 5 years, turned out not to be straight at all and made a pass at me last fall. We hooked up once a month at the gym and recently met up outside the gym. Fortunately/Unfortunately, he is moving next week to another city. A large part of me knows it's for the best, since I know I shouldn't embark on an affair (and I can't help myself with this guy). The other part of me is, well, crushed. You're not married or otherwise encumbered yet, so there's no better time for you yet to explore this very important part of you.

 

[Jay1074]

Giant1234, you have my sympathies. I have gone through the exact same thing and I am saddened to say that my situation with my crush got so bad and tense that we are not on speaking terms at this time. We have worked together for about 7 years now and at one time I considered this guy one of my best friends.

I never quite came out to this guy but I did hint at being bi and being open to things happening through a hypothetical situation with another guy. It did not seem to phase him and we even got a little closer after that. He's a huge flirt and he used to flirt with me all the time even though he was married and "str8" for all intents and purposes. He eventually got divorced and there were a couple of times when we'd hang out on the weekends but nothing ever happened between us. Then one day a few months after his divorce was final and he bought a new house, he changed and started distancing himself from me. He broke plans that we'd made and went out of his way to avoid me at work. To this day I don't know why except that he lamely explained that he thought we were getting too close when I asked him what was going on.

Well, that was 4 years ago and in the time since we've been on this very weird roller coaster of emotions. There have been times when it's like old times and we can talk like the best of friends but then there are times when he is just a selfish boor and such an asshole. I don't talk to him except for work related things and his attitude to me has become progressively abusive over the last year or so. It's gotten to the point where I pretty much can't stand him anymore. The problem is he's still someone I think about all the time. There are days I dread leaving my office to go to the mens room for fear of bumping into him.

Leaving my job isn't a practical option. I know it's the same for him too as we work in a specialized industry. This is something I'm just having to suck up and live with. It's difficult but I'm surviving and stronger every day.

 

[giant1234]

Two more excellent posts. Thanks. I saw him at work again, and what is so striking is how shamelessly flirty he is with me. I know it doesn't mean anything, some people just have that personality, but it makes it that much more difficult. A bunch of us from the office are going out this week. Right now I'm just kind of in the observe phase. If there is a natural opportunity to drop a hint in the group about my willingness to experiment with the same sex, maybe I'll say something. Again, I'm going to be very, very cautious with all of this. I can't afford to have issues at work. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I'll need to just get over this and move on. Not easy. I'm infatuated. Someone else will come along though, woman or man, and that's how things go.

 

[Chase1600]

Giant, something I’m wondering about. Several times you refer to the “work” situation. Is there something more than you two merely working at the same place? Are you his supervisor? Do you “outrank” him? Are you much older? Are you his senior in any way?

I understand that we gay guys can now get married, and so rules against co-workers marrying may apply to us. That said, to most of your co-workers, it must appear that you are just a couple of work buddies – maybe having a bit of a man crush on each other. I wouldn’t expect any co-workers to think that would be inappropriate. If something were to get started between you, who’s the wiser until, and unless, you become an apparent couple.

But of course, if your work relationship is such that you outrank him materially, that would be a big issue.

If not, ask yourself why you are bringing it up so much; it seems to me that you are trying to make an impediment when none exists.

Another thing, you said he isn’t married, but I did you tell us whether he has had established -relationships with women. Depending upon his age, assuming he’s right hot looking, if the guy doesn’t have a girlfriend, been in a couple relationship, at least got a gal-pal fuck buddy, why would that be?

In fact, when he isn’t socializing with you and your co-workers – which you have described – what do you know about his social life? From what I’ve read and my impression [of course, I’m gay and rooting for you] he might be flirting with you wishing something would get started and afraid you will reject him.

OK, now let’s consider the devil’s argument. My experience has not been good with these things. I’m better off trying to make time with guys I know are gay; even if I get rejected, it’s not embarrassing. I have – a couple times – mistaking being courted as an older, more established, maybe more financially secure person by an ambitious young man figuring I will help him – thinking he is making a sensible move – only to experience disaster when I let on that I am responding sexually to his courting me.

So that’s one more thing to consider. Are you sure he’s flirting and not buttering up someone whom he hopes will be his mentor.

 

[giant1234]

Chase,

Excellent post and good points. I am older, but not by much. A few years. I theoretically outrank him at work, but it isn't the kind of job where it matters all that much.

As for his history, from what I gather, he has only been in one semi-serious relationship with a woman. He doesn't seem to date, and he never talks about dating. He does mention how hot a girl is every now and then. I guess I have assumed he is straight and just has some self-confidence issues, or just isn't interested in the dating scene right now (we all go through that). Regardless, I am terrible at reading signs from both sexes.

Again, this is all new to me. I am coming to terms with my feelings, but it has been difficult. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just be gay, but I have a strong sexual attraction to women. I can't deny that. I have a feeling this will be something I learn to live with over time. Whether I act and experiment or not is what I am dealing with right now. It seems daunting.

I really enjoy being around this guy, even though it is hard having feelings and not addressing them. I have thought about your devil's argument as well, and I guess that is one of the reasons I haven't done anything about it. He would almost have to make an obvious first move to open up the conversation. If not, I just don't realistically see an option to do anything about it right now. This isn't going away any time soon, so I will continue to update. I really appreciate the comments and advice.

 

[Takenachance]

I seriously doubt this will work in this guy's situation.

Actually - I believe my advice to be pretty solid.

#1 You dont want overstep your boundaries and then have to go to work with the guy everyday.

#2. No better way to get over a crush (or even an ex) than to go out and have a random and pleasing sexual experience with someone else. If he were to be with someone else, maybe he would stop fantasizing so much over his coworker and letting it get to him. OR, he may decide he wants to pursue it even further regardless of the consequences either way.

I've been in a similar situation so I speak from experience. But personally -If I was married I would never get in a situation like that with a co-worker. It's just too risky in my book.