Crushes - Am I Normal?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dudepiston, Oct 15, 2007.

  1. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    Ok, I just did a search on here with "crush" in the title. Very interesting, and it does seem that most of us have crushes from time to time in our lives. One guy said it happened to him when he was dateless & unfulfilled. Is that true for you?

    I don't think I'm normal when it comes to this. I've crushed on people - maybe one or two a year - since I was in college. Prior to that, I had a crush on a boy from my school for almost three years...hardly spoke to him. But I'm talking about hard crushes here. Not just 'oh, they're cool, I'd like to date' crush, but rather a 'I can picture you and I doing it on the sofa every night, getting married & adopting kids' kind of crush. And this is usually when I don't really KNOW that much about the person (i.e., it's not a friend, or anyone I hang out with.) I get rather depressed about these situations because obviously nothing positive really comes of them, I'm just left pining over someone who doesn't generally know nor care that I exist. And now I'm married...and for years the crushes have continued. If they're meaningless, then I'll just stop paying much attention to them. But I'm starting to think there's just something wrong with me.

    Thoughts?

    :rolleyes:
     
  2. Gillette

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    Nothing wrong with you. I still have crushes on people. In fact, I still have a crush on a guy that has endured for twenty one years.

    I first saw the cute boy when he was mowing the lawn, then I would see him around school, after graduation we had loosely the same group of friends, same through university. He kissed me once but I had a boyfriend so I had to say no (closest we ever got). We were never single at the same time. I still see him around every few months or so and the same and I'm as tongue tied as ever. I'm 36! This foolishness should have dissipated by now.
     
  3. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    I know precisely how you feel Gilette. It is foolishness, isn't it? Unless it does get the chance to become something else, then I suppose it might grow to something else. But let's be realistic...how often does that really occur? How often do we strongly crush on someone at the same time they're crushing on us?



     
  4. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Oh, I don't know if I'm one to say what is normal and what isn't. When I crush on a guy, I generally crush pretty hard... but I don't crush on every guy I meet. So I guess I'm normal. I think if you're crushing on everyone, then there's something wrong. I'm not sure what to say about the severity of the crush and what's considered normal there...
     
  5. Clark Kent

    Clark Kent Member

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    I get what you mean, i seem to have alot of crushes on straight people and that hardly ever gets me anywhere.
     
  6. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    "Hardly ever" ?:) That implies you've had at least SOME success with straight ppl! I've never had success with crushes on guys, gay or straight but the straight ones usually end up a bit perturbed by the vibes I probably give out, subconsciously, and thus even friendship becomes impossible.



     
  7. TheRob

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    21 years ou should have hooked up with him by now

    glad you two posted this
    I thought I was the only one
    the interesting thing is, I think I am the only man alive who can become jealous, of a female FRIEND
    maybe I feel more deeply for her then I admit to myself but she's a friend and I will get jealous over people getting attentino from her
    imgagine, a friend!
    that's wierd right?

    oh and more in keeping with the intial post, I have crushes like you described but I also have plutonic crushes from time to time
     
  8. snoozan

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    to me, crushes are just like sexual fantasies. they add some spice to the day-to-day. the only time it's a problem is when it starts affecting your life in a bad way. i'm married too, and if i keep in perspective what i'm feeling and why, it works out fine. a lot of times it just means i need to reconnect to my husband and our relationship.
     
  9. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    Yeah I've tried looking at it that way too and you might be 100% correct but aren't crushes - on "other people" - by their very definition reflective of a desire to connect with those people? Or are you saying you project your desire for your husband onto other guys from time to time?

     
  10. snoozan

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    for me, it's a desire to connect with anyone that makes me more vulnerable to this sort of thing. sometimes when things just aren't going well with my husband, any connection is wanted, and sometimes preferred if we're not getting along well.

    also, after being with someone a long time, someone else that you don't know all that well is infinitely more interesting... and remember all those intense emotions at the beginning that mellow with time? they feel good. it's part of human chemistry.
     
  11. ZOS23xy

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    as long as you are interested in people and learning I think you retain the ability to have crushes. I still have little amuisng fantasies about people. I think its useful to know this can still happen, that the body is still willing to plug into someone else....
     
  12. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    Thanks for all the responses so far! Given me quite a bit of food for thought. For me, crushes are at once fun and a pain in the @$$, because every time I've crushed on someone it's been feelings unreturned. It's just so depressing & counterproductive. I agree that it's interesting to know that the body can be plugged into other people so easily, but it's also disturbing that sometimes that seems to occur to the detriment of our solid, reality-based relationships.

    So, a slightly different turn to this question - have you ever had a crush that turned into a full-fledged relationship? Was this a positive or negative experience for you??

    dp



     
  13. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    I had a lot of crushes on girls when I was in hign school. In college I started actually connecting with girls in a more real way, so yeh, some of the crushes turned into relationships/friendships.
     
  14. B_Veronica_Divine

    B_Veronica_Divine New Member

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    Naw. Don't ever stop having crushes; they make life fun and you don't have to act on them.
     
  15. B_Just Joe

    B_Just Joe New Member

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    crushes are natural part of being a human being. as long as you don take them to the extreme.
     
  16. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I think we get crushes on the people whom we believe have something we lack but would dearly love to have. We sense that there is a part of them that would make us better people and as soon as we do that, we desire them enormously in the belief that by possessing them, we become, via osmosis, more whole than we are already.

    That's why crushes are so intense. The feelings of overwhelming love we have are genuine in crushes. They're the same feelings that those within a mutual relationship have. The difference is that the person who has the crush goes beyond simple interest and creates fantasy relationships which are immensely fulfilling precisely because they're the product of the imagination. In the imagination, the object of the crush is everything we want him or her to be and that only feeds the obsession. So long as the crush is never fulfilled, we're free to leave them there, always in the back of our minds, being everything we have ever wanted. Problems come when the obsession moves to the forefront of the mind and becomes consuming because then we trick ourselves into thinking, if only I said or did the right thing, looked a certain way, acted differently, then my love would see me in the same light and we could run away to Bora Bora. And that's the crux of the thing. To get the interest of the person we're crushing on, we have to become different people, not who we already are and having to change for someone else doesn't make for a rewarding relationship, just perpetuation of the fantasy. Sometimes the person is already happily taken or not even of the same sexual orientation yet we continue on as if that didn't make any difference.

    The best way to get over a crush, in my experience, is to look very carefully at the person you're crushing on and make a list of all the wonderful things they are to you and then truly take inventory of yourself. If you're brutally honest, you'll find the crush has something about them you need in your life. Maybe it's even the freedom of their job, their respect among others, their good looks, wonderful smile, or something as simple as their taste, education, or status. Something about that person drew them to you like a magnet. If you can figure out what the attraction is, learn from it, then take steps in your life to find what that thing (or things) is, then you've done good work on discovering a part of your needs you may not have been aware of before.

    At the very least, stop the fantasies before they start. If you find yourself suddenly crushing on someone and you don't know why then immediately stop yourself before it gets any worse and find out if the person is attracted to you as well. Maybe you'll find the person is a jerk, maybe they're taken. If they are, don't let it go any further. Just take that inventory and go through it. Nothing says you can't be attracted to someone, that's healthy. What's not healthy is pulling that person into a fantasy world from which neither you nor the other person can ever escape from.

    Unrequited love is the worst form of love their is. There is no cure for it. You can, I think, defuse it and redirect it to something with a far more positive result so that when you do fall in love the next time around the relationship will be far more healthy. A great book that has helped me, though I disagree with it in parts, is Obsessive Love by Susan Forward and Craig Buck. For ordinary crushes it may be a bit much, but if you find yourself unable to let go, it looks like it could be very helpful.

    I've just released a major crush. By using the defusing techniques and, oddly enough, by interacting with the person upon whom I was crushing, I've come to fall out of romantic love. The crush instead has been transformed into a friendship that I hope will prove mutually satisfying in the long run. I wasn't in love with my crush so much as what he represented to me in several very important ways. I'm very fortunate in that I can use his example as something to learn from and apply to my own life so that I can cultivate and bring into myself what originally attracted me to him beyond normal romantic interest. Too, the more I interact with him, the more the spell is broken. By not being a distant dream, he becomes more real, not a product of fantasy and that's healthy. I can appreciate him for who he truly is, not how I had idealized him. I wasn't wrong, he really is a great guy and I love him, demons and all, as a very generous and insightful friend. In that, I have the treasury of Midas and it's far more fulfilling than lamenting a fantasy.
     
  17. B_NineInchCock_160IQ

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    I think it shows a little immaturity to foster crushes. For me, and it sounds like this is true for you as well, the object of a crush is usually someone that you have no realistic expectation of ever being with. I had a lot of very hard crushes when I was younger, up through my late teens/early twenties. Since then... not so much. I still find people that I am interested in and sometimes I find myself falling for them a bit even before I know them very well and it feels similar to these crushes that I used to have... but I usually don't let it get out of control if there's no way we're going to be together or if I haven't even made an attempt to really get to know the person. Letting a crush dominate your life seems a little silly to me anymore. Shit or get off the pot, right? Confront the person about how you feel, figure out if something is going to happen, if it is great, and if it's not then move on. Also, falling in love with someone you barely know is hard to qualify as anything other than puppy love.

    I can understand having crushes a little better if you are in a situation, such as being married, where you are not as free to act on any attraction or interest that you have. I've found that even as an adult, if I am in a committed relationship or if the person I am interested in is in a committed relationship, then I might develop something very similar to these childhood crushes that I used to go through. Even though it's not just shyness or social awkwardness that's preventing me from acting on the feelings I have, there is still a barrier preventing me from following through, and the emotions and feelings end up being about the same I think. Still, I don't obsess on the same level that I used to as a kid. I really don't think that's healthy or wise. I might fantasize here and there and flirt a bit, but that's usually the extent of it.
     
  18. B_NineInchCock_160IQ

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    To hit on some of the points Jason was just making above... maybe my single biggest crush, my sister's friend Lisa, was one that haunted me for close to 10 years. I did finally get over it... and I did this by coming out to Lisa about exactly how I felt. I had hinted at it, had asked her out coyly several times (and not so coyly once in a while) over the course of that decade, but never had I been completely frank and honest about how I felt. I'm sure it made Lisa feel very awkward, but she was decent enough to respond to me and tell me that she wasn't interested and to please not bring it up again. The finality of the rejection was very freeing, and I actually felt pretty good about it even though it wasn't the outcome that I had most hoped for. I felt like I had closure and could move on then.
     
  19. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    You are SO right on the money there NIC. It is a bit immature because true maturity means we have become the person we want to be. We have grown into ourselves enough so that while improvement is always possible, there is not single thing that stands out to such a degree that it results in a crush.

    I completely admit that I'm not mature in this aspect. Not remotely. I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend; no romantic relationship what-so-ever so it's like I'm starting at age 13 or 14. Most of my early life was spent reaching for love only to have it rejected so I just gave-up entirely. My father was separated from my mother for most of the marriage and both my sister and I were thrilled when they finally quit. My father never remarried and actually hid his dating from me. For some strange reason he never wanted me to know he had any girlfriends and to this day, I don't officially know. I had to learn it all from my sister. Either way, the result is that not only do I not have a parental role model, I have no experience. It's all a blank slate and while that's OK when you're a teen or young adult, by my age people expect you to have experiences so it's made all the harder.

    And thank you for saying so succinctly what I attempted to with my usual Dickensian verbosity.
     
  20. wannabigman

    wannabigman New Member

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    never ask others if you are normal, because thats not normal, but then again what is normal.isnt it what we do all the time so its something we " normally" do.
     
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