curiosity vs honesty

[D_Mayan_Colander]

Hi all,

I'm sure this is a familiar situation which many guys have all the time and probably has even already been discussed loads on these forums!

I consider myself straight but extremely bi-curious. I became aware of my curiosity through watching porn and getting turned on as much by the site of all those huge, hard cocks as I did by the women going to work on them! I thought a lot about the nature of my curiosity (am I gay, bi, etc?) and have come to the conclusion I'm not 'attracted' to men in the conventional sense. I just get off on the idea of going to work on a big, hard cock.

I've come close to acting on these fantasies many times but always lost the nerve at the last minute. My problem now is I am in a fantastic, long term relationship with a girl who I love tons. If I was to hook up with a guy to satisfy this curiousity there is an obvious conflict here in terms of how I justify it with regard to my girlfriend. Again, I've thought a lot about it and have decided there would be no emotional betrayal (as I've said it's purely a physical thing and I think the act would be very detached). I think the thing that would be an issue for me would be doing it behind her back and lying to her. As it is there is a certain amount of concealment as I like to cam and exchange pics with other guys.

I was just interested to hear any opinions you might have. Especially if you have had or are in a similar situation.

 

[unabear09]

you sound very similar to me, except I have never even thought about or attempted to act out on my curiosities. I have a feeling that if I acted upon them, I would end up having some major issues. IF I could still suck my cock, I think any curiosity about having sex with a man would be totally gone.

 

[bigboi69]

Do you think your girl would be open to frank discussions about sex? Do you think you would really hurt her feelings if you tried to talk about it? Some people are more sensitive than others, I guess, but you have stated that it is purely a physical thing and if you're up for a talk, you could express this to her. But only you can judge what her emotional state would be. Perhaps if you explain that it is something that you would be emotionally detached from and would make you feel more physically fulfilled, she might understand.

BUT, if you don't think she can handle it, it might not be worth it. If you are in love, it might not be worth ruining a great relationship over it. Priorities must be weighted in this case.

 

[erratic]

My problem now is I am in a fantastic, long term relationship with a girl who I love tons.

I wouldn't label that a problem. You're in love. Congratulations!

If I was to hook up with a guy to satisfy this curiousity there is an obvious conflict here in terms of how I justify it with regard to my girlfriend.

As far as I'm concerned, the only gentlemanly way out of it is to talk to her about it and do it either with her consent (whether it involves compromise or not), or after you've broken up. You should have no reason to feel ashamed or whatnot about how you feel, and in a perfect world you could act on it right away; however, you also have to balance what she deserves with what you want.

Again, I've thought a lot about it and have decided there would be no emotional betrayal (as I've said it's purely a physical thing and I think the act would be very detached).

Has she decided that? That's fine if you don't think it's a betrayal, but she has as much say in it as you do as long as you're together.

I think the thing that would be an issue for me would be doing it behind her back and lying to her.

Do listen to your conscience. It's looking out for her, and in the long run it's looking out for you. Our conscience is there to keep us in line with the person we want ourselves to be. In this case, it doesn't want you to be a guy who goes behind his girlfriend's back and lies to her. It wants you to be a gentleman.

As it is there is a certain amount of concealment as I like to cam and exchange pics with other guys.

What does she think about that? This is a big red flag for me. You may not consider that outside the bounds of your relationship, but what about her?

I was just interested to hear any opinions you might have. Especially if you have had or are in a similar situation.

Listen, lots of straight guys are curious about fooling around with other guys. If I may speak for us homos (whom I suspect are the majority of guys you're camming and swapping pics with), please be totally open about where you're coming from. Don't lead any gay guys on. That's the kind of activity that gives straight-ish men a bad name for a lot of gay men. I don't know if that's what's going on for you, just a word of caution from the other side.

I hope it works out for you, and for your girlfriend. Who knows, maybe some day you'll tell her about it and she'll get all excited for some mmf that she never thought you'd want

 

[B_curiousme01]

No betrayal??? And you say you love her??????? If you are in a "relationship" with anyone, I personally think having sex with someone else without the other knowing is the ultimate no-no. Not only is it extremely dishonorbale and devious, you can spread disease. And in the world today, you can catch and spread diseases that could eventually be fatal to yourself and everyone you have sex with. Yes, she has a RIGHT to know if you do this because you are in a relationship. And, she probably loves you too. Be fair.

If you really need it, tell her. Se agrees or not and then you decide what you want in life. The after affects could not be what you expect.

 

[DavidXL]

I consider myself mostly straight, and I've done some exploration with men (mostly JO, some oral). These feelings aren't going to go away (though they ebb and flow with me). My advice is to explore them now and to be open and out about it.

 

[Brick7]

Hi all,
My problem now is I am in a fantastic, long term relationship with a girl who I love tons. If I was to hook up with a guy to satisfy this curiousity there is an obvious conflict here in terms of how I justify it with regard to my girlfriend. Again, I've thought a lot about it and have decided there would be no emotional betrayal (as I've said it's purely a physical thing and I think the act would be very detached). I think the thing that would be an issue for me would be doing it behind her back and lying to her...

I was just interested to hear any opinions you might have. Especially if you have had or are in a similar situation.

If you are in a committed monogamous relationship, then exploring your bi side behind her back and lying to her would obviously be wrong.
You can choose not to act on your bi impulses.
You could talk to her about it but what are you expecting her to say? Give you a green light to "cheat" on her with a guy?
If you really want to explore your bi side, then perhaps a long term relationship isn't for you at this point in your life.

 

[canon]

If you didn't know that it is a break of trust between you and your gf you would have already acted on it. Your intuition is screaming at you and you know the right answer but the need is so strong that you are trying to justify it.

The way I see it is this. This urge is never going to go away.....most likely anyway. You may think that there is a big chance that you will try it, doesn't do anything for you and it's out of the way and will never be a desire again. Unfortunately I seriously doubt that it will end up this way.

After you are married for awhile and the marriage gets boring or there are relationship issues you will start all over again with the idea of experimenting with another guy. I think this would be worse than doing it now before you get married. However, now is the time to discuss it and ask for permission or back out of the marriage. Tough decision and you have a major dilemma on your hands.

What you do while you are not committed to someone else is your business and doesn't have to be discussed with anyone. If you play while committed and carry an STD back to the person it is going to create some extreme embarrassment.

My suggestion would be to get all this sorted out before you walk down the aisle and before there are children and other obligations.

 

[bigboi69]

You might also want to talk to your gf about your feelings, and discuss if perhaps she would be OK with your use of porn to satisfy your bi desires instead of going outside of the relationship for physical contact. The most important thing: keep the lines of communication open! Secrecy is dangerous for a relationship!

 

[vlls]

Hi all,

I'm sure this is a familiar situation which many guys have all the time and probably has even already been discussed loads on these forums!

I consider myself straight but extremely bi-curious. I became aware of my curiosity through watching porn and getting turned on as much by the site of all those huge, hard cocks as I did by the women going to work on them! I thought a lot about the nature of my curiosity (am I gay, bi, etc?) and have come to the conclusion I'm not 'attracted' to men in the conventional sense. I just get off on the idea of going to work on a big, hard cock.

I've come close to acting on these fantasies many times but always lost the nerve at the last minute. My problem now is I am in a fantastic, long term relationship with a girl who I love tons. If I was to hook up with a guy to satisfy this curiousity there is an obvious conflict here in terms of how I justify it with regard to my girlfriend. Again, I've thought a lot about it and have decided there would be no emotional betrayal (as I've said it's purely a physical thing and I think the act would be very detached). I think the thing that would be an issue for me would be doing it behind her back and lying to her. As it is there is a certain amount of concealment as I like to cam and exchange pics with other guys.

I was just interested to hear any opinions you might have. Especially if you have had or are in a similar situation.

my personal opinion is the only way to do this is to be honest with your girlfriend and have her know about it... hopefully shell be turned on by it

 

[jerryhall]

I think you need to follow up on this curiosity, my own experience is that this can get stronger as you get older.

By the time I was ready to act on my curiosity, I was married with two kids, and the woman involved, of course, felt very betrayed, when I told her I was going to leave her for a guy.

 

[B_Hung Jon]

As I've said many times on this site, honesty works best. But since we live in a world that has a lot of hang-ups about sexuality between guys, people have to really put themselves out on a limb to get what they want and need. I also happen to believe that the underlying issues about curiosity in males ARE emotional. We just like to tell ourselves that it's just physical so we don't have to deal with the real issues. Many people would disagree with me about this. Just because males have the ability to dissasociate our feelings from our actions, doesn't mean it's the best thing to do. I feel the most liberating thing to do is to discuss your feelings for other guys with your girl friend even if it means that the relationship may be threatened. Men have been lying to their wives and girlfriends for centuries about their sexual urges and desires. Maybe it's time to start being honest and open with those women (and men) who we may care about. After all it is 2010.

 

[DavidXL]

Some good responses here, especially Canon's and Hung Jon's.

 

[ModestToo]

The thing is, often times people say they want honesty but then they get mad when you give it to them. You'd be admitting that you want something that she can't give you. There is a potential for a bad reaction. Doing something without mentioning it would be a betrayal, but it is a viable option if you're willing to live with the consequences. I'd talk to her if I thought she'd be somewhat understanding about it, otherwise I'd lie or bury the though. Perhaps you could find a way to include her in your exploration? Again, that would depend on her being open minded about it.

 

[CuriousFem]

The thing is, often times people say they want honesty but then they get mad when you give it to them.

To be blunt, such people have to get the fuck over it. A person who gets angry when their partner openly and honestly talks with them about such things is not ready to be in a committed relationship.

 

[B_curiousme01]

The thing is, often times people say they want honesty but then they get mad when you give it to them. You'd be admitting that you want something that she can't give you. There is a potential for a bad reaction. Doing something without mentioning it would be a betrayal, but it is a viable option if you're willing to live with the consequences. I'd talk to her if I thought she'd be somewhat understanding about it, otherwise I'd lie or bury the though. Perhaps you could find a way to include her in your exploration? Again, that would depend on her being open minded about it.

I have read quite a few threads this week about guys in a committed relationship with a female who is regularly cheating with other guys and not having any remorse or guilt at all. There's an entire thread about married men having side guys as "cocksuckers."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF? And they are PROUD OF IT! Openly boasting.

I would bet that some of these men have children too. What kind of values are these for kids? How would the suckee feel if their cocksucker of the day took stealth pictures and sent them to the family? Or posted them on a local website with the persons name? Sent them to their workplace? Whatever... insert horrible aftershock potential here ________. People do very mean things to others just because they are evil and unhappy and it's there way to "share" who they really are. Anything here to be proud of? "Daddy???...is that you? What are you doing Daddy? Why Daddy?"

Why is this totally acceptable? Just because you want it does not make it right. What about the person you told you "love", married, or are in a relationship with? What affect would this have on your entire family if it got OUT? Cause one day it most likely will. Karma...

What is happening to us as a society if we cannot find it in ourselves to have some honor for ourselves and the people we care about? Not just about the intimate act itself, but openly thinking it's okay to cheat, deceive and lie to another that you made the decision to commit yourself to? Seriously. How about disease AND AIDS? They are willing to share these "leave behinds" with others, obviously, including their spouse without a by your leave.

Why??? How is this even justifiable?

If you want your cock taken care of by a guy, why not just get out of your female relationship and have at it if you and she cannot come to an agreement? No big deal then. Who would be hurt then?

I simply cannot understand the flat out evil deceit accompanied by boasting and complete acceptance from others.

It appears that a 30 second stealthy climax is what life is all about for many. No matter how achieved. So sad. Potentially fatal to boot.

 

[NumberTwentySix]

Something else to consider is the "why now" aspect of the request. To my mind it would be harder to bring up the subject of bisexuality in a relationship several years old than in one that has only been going for a few months. She may wonder what else you're capable of hiding for this long, or if you think your relationship has grown stale and you need something different.

 

[helgaleena]

I've come close to acting on these fantasies many times but always lost the nerve at the last minute. My problem now is I am in a fantastic, long term relationship with a girl who I love tons. .. As it is there is a certain amount of concealment as I like to cam and exchange pics with other guys.

Concealment is a form of lying if you are in a relationship with long-term potential. Own up now about your tastes and see if she can live with them. Do not get into the habit of concealing anything.

In a legitimate relationship, the sex life of your partner is part of your sex life, and vice versa. Doing anything, including sharing sexy pictures and cam sessions, needs to be by mutual consent. But don't panic; she may enjoy joining in! Only one way to find out though.

 

[D_Mayan_Colander]

Wow, well thanks for all your replies. Obviously a very sensitive subject, understandably so.

I think a lot of you are right in saying that honesty with my gf is the only way it could proceed. I'm sure the idea of me being curious about guys wouldn't be an issue with her, we're both very liberal. As someone said, I think it's important for our relationship I can be totally honest with her about everything.

As for acting on the curiosity, I think some of you are right in saying that it is a betrayal of sorts and I'm probably just trying to find a way to justify it. One of the main reasons I never go through with acting on it is that I'm fairly sure I'd feel rotten about the deception afterwards.

 

[ModestToo]

Why is this totally acceptable? Just because you want it does not make it right. What about the person you told you "love", married, or are in a relationship with? What affect would this have on your entire family if it got OUT? Cause one day it most likely will. Karma...

What is happening to us as a society if we cannot find it in ourselves to have some honor for ourselves and the people we care about? Not just about the intimate act itself, but openly thinking it's okay to cheat, deceive and lie to another that you made the decision to commit yourself to? Seriously. How about disease AND AIDS? They are willing to share these "leave behinds" with others, obviously, including their spouse without a by your leave.

Why??? How is this even justifiable?

If you want your cock taken care of by a guy, why not just get out of your female relationship and have at it if you and she cannot come to an agreement? No big deal then. Who would be hurt then?

I simply cannot understand the flat out evil deceit accompanied by boasting and complete acceptance from others.

It appears that a 30 second stealthy climax is what life is all about for many. No matter how achieved. So sad. Potentially fatal to boot.

As long as you are fine with your actions and their consequences, it doesn't really matter if it's morally acceptable or not. Like you said, there are consequences for cheating but some guys are willing to take those risks in order to fuck other people on the side. For the record, I'm not one of those guys but I do understand why some of them choose to engage in that type of activity. I agree that it's dangerous since there is a significant chance of picking up and passing a disease.

As far as the whole family thing goes, I've noticed that the children usually model the behaviour later on in life. They don't really get emotionally scarred, but they do seem to have less respect for women and relationships in general. I suppose they see it as normal. I won't go into the moral implications of that, since it's subjective.