I have to agree. If you have to keep it a secret, then its wrong therefore a form of cheating.
Let me ask you Lee, if I may. You start a relationship with a new guy. It is developing nicely but you don't see each other apart from the weekends.
Before him, you may have tended to your sexual needs with an assortment of toys and fantasies, maybe involving other men. At what point do you ask him if he considers it cheating, if he does at all, and that you have an assortment of toys that you wish to keep using whilst you are not together? Do you ask him if it OK for you to fantasize about XYZ man whilst you pleasure yourself?
Serious bit: Basic rule - if your partner considers it cheating it is cheating.
I'm not sure about a new morality - what do you mean by that?
Certainly there are plenty of new ways of expressing sexuality and participating in fantasy and interacting sexually without physical contact. But I don't see how that changes the morality. Maybe I'm working from a different definition (?)
I really can't agree. Your partner may be wrong. As you went on to say, your partner may consider your talking to another man cheating, reading an erotic novel etc. Can you be responsible for and conscious of all your potential sexual reactions? I don't think so, and it certainly doesn't mean that you have any intention of being unfaithful.
I mean morality in terms of what people actually do. Morality really means the normal and accepted behaviour. Divorce, sex before marriage, single motherhood, were all once generally considered immoral, but not now by the majority. I think that the internet has just offered people a new avenue for sexual expression and they are embracing it because it is now available and they prefer it to porn mags, erotic novels or whatever was your thing.
Soon the majority of people will be having cybersex or cyber fantasy, therefore it will be moral and not judged as anything abnormal.
For humans, sex involves communication and intentionality. That requires imagination, thinking, emotional engagement, all kinds of "higher functions" and intentionality (since you have to assume that both meaning and value are also involved).
Cheating on an agreement involves a complex judgment about limits, obligations, compromises, consequences, implications, availability, freedom to engage and disengage, intentionality, responsibility and a billion other not very simple things.
You are right ledroit (you usually are

). But can a real relationship keep pace with this? Would you not spend all day discussing the source of your arousal? rather than just accepting that you are horny and want to fuck, rather than wondering whether the pool boy being around earlier in his tight cut offs had got your blood going?
Then people change in their views and there are so many new things that happen and are available. I think at best you can be certain about 80% of what a partner may think or have discussed, but there is always that grey area.
I like grey areas, I was always told that women needed their private space for fantasy. How many wives hide their toys from their husbands (especially if they are bigger :biggrin1

, how many husbands have a secret porn stash?
I think if you have an expectation that any relationship is going to be 100% of anything, then you are likely to be disappointed.