Daddy's Rules For Dating His Daughter

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by hypoc8, Oct 20, 2010.

  1. hypoc8

    hypoc8 Member

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    This will be me in about 4-5 years. I'm not looking forward to it.

    Daddy’s Rules for Dating His Daughter
    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is getting ready, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.
     
  2. pinspotter10

    pinspotter10 Member

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    I've always marveled at the dichotomy in myself...I like looking at porn as much as any normal male but when it comes to my daughter I can tell that if anything ever happens to her I really could become homicidal.

    And I'm only partially kidding...maybe.
     
  3. Patchos

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    All those women you jack off to in porn are someone's daughter.
     
  4. nudeyorker

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    Thanks for posting this it made me smile and remember the days (water long under the bridge) when I picked up a girl and had to pass the "Dad Test!"
     
  5. Bbucko

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    The last time I "went steady" with a girl was during the Carter administration, so I'm obviously rusty on the etiquette of teen heterosexual dating. I'll also state the blindingly obvious and say that I am not a parent, and the chances of becoming one now are vanishingly remote.

    Without knowing the age of your daughter, it's pretty useless for me to speculate on how this plan will ultimately come to prevail; if she'll be 14, then obviously your concern and tight leash is entirely justified. If she'll be 17, I think it's much less so.

    The only way kids learn to be mature and responsible to to allow them the freedom to show you how responsible and mature they actually can be. Perhaps instead of accepting "early" (which is entirely subjective) as a time to expect your daughter's return, a reasonable and age-appropriate curfew is not just clearer (and less open to error), but sets an entirely objective limit on the evening. Presuming this has been discussed ahead of time with your daughter, honoring a curfew is a simple and very effective way of allowing her the responsibility to operate within your rules.

    I'm sincerely unclear on why the boy's acute discomfort is so integral to your overall method of dominating what is, after all, your daughter's first attempts at social bonding on a romantic level. Much as I understand that you need to keep a parental sense of distance and authority, it seems perversely inhospitable to deny him even a place to sit while she puts the finishing touches on whatever look has been planned and (presumably) approved hours in advance. I also believe that being prompt is a genuine virtue, as much for males as females: a few minutes' wait is understandable, time measured in fractions of hours is not, and shows a complete contempt for the boy's time and patience.

    Respect is most definitely a two-way street. If you cannot summon the dignity to show respect to your daughter's choice of dates, you have exhibited contempt not just for him but for your daughter as well. Contempt has a way of boomeranging back at he who projects it originally, and with even greater force than the initial volley.

    Again, going back to my last (futile) attempt at hetero-normative dating patterns, I can remember my relationship with both her parents as being respectful (on both sides) and extremely cordial. They would have found it beyond bizarre if I hadn't hugged her on my arrival, complete with a chaste peck on the cheek. And I remember spending hours sitting in their bathroom on the closed toilet lid, chatting and planning the night's plans entirely unchaperoned and completely trusted (the door, of course, remaining open).

    The respect and deference shown on both sides came both from a trust borne of the conviction that they'd raised their daughter properly and with a familiarity of me as an intelligent, thoughtful young man who'd never knowingly betray such a trust. If you never make an effort to get to know him, such a conviction is impossible and will ultimately feed only your worst and most lurid expectations.

    And lest anyone think otherwise, teens in the 70s were most definitely not teens of the 50s. We had every vice openly available, yet not everyone took every opportunity to revel in them.
     
  6. witch

    witch Member

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    Dear Rabid Daddy

    Do you really think I'm stupid enough to have a boy come to the house so you can chew on his bones, dooming me to "old maidhood". By the way. mom has some "good" stories about your courting days.

    love your daughter
     
  7. joe bltsflk

    joe bltsflk Member

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    And every girl you ever screwed or screwed over is somebody's daughter. How about we raise our daughters so they can fend for themselves? I recall a story called "First Blow Job" by Doug Kenney (I think), that pretty much illustrated how unprepared (most) girls are for (most) boys.
     
  8. Patchos

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    This shit is about as sick as those Purity Balls where dear old dad holds his chaste daughters virginity in his hands, and then goes and whacks off to interracial-gang bang-bukkake-slut-whore-rape porn.

    Dads, you don't own your daughters virginity nor her sexuality and she will already know how to deal with boys, she's been dealing with them her whole life.
     
  9. Zeuhl34

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    Well, being as socially awkward as I was in high school (and still am to some extent), I was never subjected to any of these (in my opinion) absurd metrics.
     
  10. petite

    petite New Member

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    The OP is obviously exaggerating for comic effect and I thought it was hilarious. :smile:

    I know that all dads feel protective of their daughters and don't want to see them get hurt and they don't know how to go about protecting them from getting hurt. They've seen how teenage boys talk about and treat teenage girls and it worries them. Isn't that part of being a parent? Not knowing how to let go? Or exactly when is too soon or too late?

    I started "dating" before puberty. My first boyfriend called me on the phone and asked me out about once every two weeks when I was 10 years old. My dad had nothing to worry about until I grew breasts. Then he had a lot to worry about. Junior High boys were brutal! I went to my first Homecoming in a very flattering dress when I was 14. Boy, did I have cleavage in that dress! I attended my first Naval Academy dance when I was 15. Yup, right there in Annapolis. Trust me, my dad had a lot to worry about. :redface:

    I'm unclear about this, too, but TheBoyfriend also feels that it's what a dad is supposed to do, make the boy feel uncomfortable in the beginning. He's attempted to explain it to me. In the end he made it sound like some sort of heterosexual male right of passage that he would be partaking in and that if he didn't then he would be depriving them both of an experience and memories that they're supposed to have. :shrug:
     
    #10 petite, Oct 21, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2010
  11. ManlyBanisters

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    My father attempted to engage my prospective boyfriends in socio-political debate. So did my mother. I always had more of a penchant for the guys who would allow themselves to be engaged even if they were completely out of their depths. The ones who stammered out an "I dunno" or two before looking at the floor never really got that far with me.

    I think it was a good strategy on my parents' part.
     
  12. vince

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    If I had a son, I'd never allow him to date a girl who's father treated him so disrespectfully and his daughter with such distrust. Respect is not something that is earned. It is given upfront and can be squandered and lost. I never tried to alienate the friends of my daughter in such a way when she was a teen.

    If you want to know what's going on with your kid (you never fully will), then open, honest, adult communication is necessary from a young age. If you treat them with suspicion, then don't be surprised when they sneak around behind your back.

    As for the clothing, well I don't care for the falling down off your ass pants either. But they get over it. Just the same as I got over the ass length hair and tight jeans I got a lot of shit for when I was seventeen.
     
  13. tgirlsrgreat

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    well thank you madam buzzkill!!!

    lol
     
  14. Countryguy63

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    Uhm Guys (and Gals)...Especially based on the last "Rule", this is obviously based on humor :rolleyes:

    In all seriousness :)biggrin1:), I did tell one of my daughters dates, "I aint afraid to go back to prison, boy" :wink:
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    They both laughed and said "see ya later", which I replied "have fun" :smile:
     
  15. HiddenLacey

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    Were you trying to be Bill Engvall?.... Here's your sign:cool:
     
  16. Countryguy63

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    I never said my inspirations were from "Harvard" :tongue:, lol
     
  17. hypoc8

    hypoc8 Member

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    Honestly, some of you here can't laugh at anything. I didn't think anyone here would take this as being serious although I can agree with a couple of the rules.
     
  18. Bbucko

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    There's nothing wrong with my sense of humor :rolleyes:, but a couple of emoticons might have made the humorous aspects of the OP clearer to those not quite in on the joke :cool:

    Just for shits and giggles, which points do you find appropriate?
     
  19. hypoc8

    hypoc8 Member

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    Don't show up at my house blowing your damn horn. This is just being lazy and in my opinion rude. I want to meet whoever my daughter is going out with and make sure he knows what time she is to be back home.

    Don't show up at my house wearing those baggie-ass pants. Nobody myself included wants to see your crusty ass underwear. Why in the hell anybody wants to walk around with their pants hanging down to their knees is beyond me. Have a little respect for yourself and others.

    This wasn't in the list but is one of my pet peeves. Guys that don't open doors or enter a building in front of their date\partner. Do parents not teach their kids manners anymore? I have always and still do to this day open doors for a lady.
     
  20. helgaleena

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    Good Lordy, does this bring back memories of my youth! :biggrin1:

    Otherwise rational men become like this when a young female relative is involved, and they know it, and can't do a thing about it except try to laugh at themselves, watch their daughter-equivalent turn bright red, and possibly get drunk.

    I think it's instinct, much like mine when someone is threatening my cubs, er, offspring.
     
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