Dating an Ex?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Fleur, Aug 16, 2009.

  1. Fleur

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    I'm not thinking of doing this...but after being pretty heartbroken about half a year ago it got me thinking...has anyone here taken a break from a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife and later reconciled with them? Even after they moved on and dated other people?

    I keep hearing stories of a friend of a friend who reconciled with an ex (usually told to me to give me hope when I was down) and then the couple went on to spend the rest of their lives together...but I don't ever hear first hand accounts...so sometimes I think it's all sad wishful thinking...

    My only firsthand story was my parents who broke up for about 4 months then got back together and later had three kids (including me) and stayed together until my father passed away.

    It'd just be interesting to see if anyone has any stories to tell or what you think about it.
     
  2. D_dank142

    D_dank142 New Member

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    I broke up with a girl that I had been with for about 6 months. After about a good month or so being broke up we got back together. Though we didn't break up on harsh terms it was still very weird to be with her again. Some of the feelings were there but some weren't. We are still friends to this day and I randomly passed by her at a restaraunt last week. It is much different if you are on good versus bad terms with the person. In your case I would not take the person back. I have known stories about married parents getting divorced then remarrying but in the case of a relationship I feel it really depends on how the relationship ended.
     
  3. the_reverend

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    most of my relationships have actually been like this...i like to joke that i have a high rate of recidivism. ;) my first serious girlfriend in high school and i broke up after a couple of months because she said i was getting too intense for her. but after a week, she came over and said she missed me and wanted to get back together, so we did and it was really awesome...which is why to this day i don't know why i wound up making out with a friend of mine one night a little over a month later. i told her the next day and we broke up again, this time for good. but she was eventually able to forgive me and she's actually one of my best friends now. :)

    dated a girl senior year of high school for about a month, then she broke up with me for much the same reasons (the intenisty, not the cheating, lol) and went back to dating the guy she was dating before me...but we wound up making out and a little bit more one night and she broke up with him and got back together with me, and then we broke up again because it just wasn't working out. but we stayed friends for years, and have recently gotten back in touch with one another. and now she wants to sleep with me, lol!

    my second girlfriend in college and i were together for a few months until she broke up with me, the day before Valentine's Day (guess why? lol). we'd already gotten each other gifts and made dinner plans for V-day, though, so we got together and went out and had a lovely evening and talked about how we felt about each other and decided to stay friends...and wound up making out at the end of the night. and for the next few months, even though we were nominally "broken up," we still hung out all the time, went to movies and out to eat and slept together every once in a while. it was fine for a while, but then she started pulling away more so i started trying to hold on tighter which just pushed her away even more, and so on and so on until it all kind of fell apart. and then she met one of my best friends, fell for him and i was kind of left standing in the dust. eventually, we all came to terms and they're married and we're all still friends. :)

    my last girlfriend, it was like a chronic condition. we got together when i still had crushes on a couple of friends so i broke up with her after a couple of months because i didn't think i was being fair to her. then we wound up getting together for drinks around a week later and seeing her again, i realized that those were just crushes and i was actually in love with this girl so i asked her to take me back. she did, and then i made the mistake of telling her WHY i'd broken up with her. she's an awesome, lovely, smart, funny, sexy girl...but very insecure and prone to overreacting a bit, so her focus went to the "i had crushes on other girls" and not the "i love you and want to be with you" part. so every once in a while, she'd get incredibly irrational and break up with me. this usually only lasted for a day at the most. and when things were good, they were really damn great. but all the same, maybe a few days or a few weeks later, the cycle would repeat itself. during one of these times after a particularly vicious fight and getting very drunk to distract myself from the frustration of it all, i slept with someone else. and then we got back together and i decided not to tell her...because it wasn't technically cheating, but it felt like cheating and i knew if "crushes on other girls" made her feel insecure, there'd be no coming back from this. the break ups became less frequent and things were good for a while...and then after one break up, she was trying to apologize and ask me back and saying how i deserved better and was such a good boyfriend, i felt really guilty and confessed. and sure enough, we broke up again...for about a month this time, and i went out with my friends and dated other girls and tried to have fun, but my mind kept coming back to her. and after a month, we got back in touch and decided to meet up and talk...and wound up sleeping together. lol. we got back together, but she didn't want to tell our friends for a while so she wouldn't seem "weak." but eventually the truth came out and, actually, things were great for a while. i had to take my share of crap for what i'd done, but i accepted that and tolerated it for a long time. and then we hit a crossroads...i was planning to move out here to L.A. and we were talking about whether she was going to move here with me or go live with her friends out east. and it put more of a strain on us so the crap i would normally take increased and i finally had to put down an ultimatum: forgive me and let's make this work or don't and let's move on. because if we were going to move to a different city and live together, we needed to move past it. she didn't know if she could and decided to move out east instead. we kept in touch, though, and she even came out to see me in L.A. a little while after i moved there and we spent one last day together. it was pretty awesome and at the end of it she asked me if i wanted to try and do long distance. i did, but i didn't know if we'd be able to handle it or if it would be healthy for either of us, trying to build new lives in different parts of the country but also staying together. i think in the long run, it was the right decision...or at least the smart one. but in retrospect, i wish i'd gone with my heart and at least tried.

    and now you know way more about me than you could possibly want to. lol!
     
  4. rob_just_rob

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    Not to pour cold water on your situation, but I have done that a couple of times and it was an unmitigated disaster in both cases. In the first case, her qualities that made me want to break up with her in the first place seemed magnified tenfold and I practically fled. In the second, she turned into a bit of a stalker, apparently reasoning that if I would get back together with her after breaking up once (ok, it happened 2 or 3 times :dunno: ) I would eventually get back together with her after the final breakup.

    In addition, I had an oppo to become FWBs with an ex gf about 4 years ago. Would have been my first FWB, but I declined as graciously as I could. In retrospect, that was the right course.
     
  5. xzibit9945

    xzibit9945 New Member

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    My ex left me for another guy about a year ago. Right after I took her on a romantic vacation to Europe, she started school 40 minutes away from the town where we were living. She was living at her parents nearby (but staying at my place almost everynight) but decided she had to move on campus to be closer to school since the program of study was going to be really tough.

    After I helped her move her stuff in, she threw a housewarming party where she invited everybody from her small Ph.D program. Nobody showed up except this one guy who spent the whole evening flirting with her right in front of me. It really upset me but I didn't want to come off as the jealous type and I thought I was reading into things too much since she loved me. I'd previously met him and gotten a vibe that he liked her but made no comments about it because I didn't want to be one of those possessive guys that gets mad when their girlfriend has male friends. It was the most horrible thing to read "I'm going to sleep with your girlfriend" in his eyes because I loved her so much and knew he wouldn't stay with her.

    In the meantime, we had been having sexual problems. At the beginning of the relationship, I could make her come but she was on a lot of different medications and had changed birth control. Now, she was telling me I was too big for her and she let me know for the first time that sex had been painful for a while. She also decided she didn't like my kissing. It felt awful to know that I was hurting her each time we made love. We tried tons of different lubricants and condoms, different sex acts, and multiple positions. I suggested she see a doctor-- From googling, it sounded like she could have vaginismus and a reaction to taking so many antidepressant medications. Instead, she talked to her friends and they determined that we were just sexually incompatible. She grew cold towards me and left me saying that she wasn't going to date him but that she hadn't cheated (which I don't really buy since they went to the movies and hung out together before she left me). I was dumb and wanted to be friends with her but we never talked much after that and soon the facebook pictures of them went up. He was always making stupid faces in the photos and it really bothered me, but hey- I was the one stupid enough to look at them. I pride myself on my personal hygiene and found him to be lacking in that department. All along I'd been planning to move abroad and decided to leave ASAP since I had nothing left for me where I was-- no friends- just her and my job. I had agreed to put off the move until she finished school because I was naive and thought we were in love.

    I waited six months for my immigrant visa to come in and right after I received it, she came back into my life. I had worked on myself a bit-- I was feeling a bit more confident, I worked out at the gym a litte, I worked hard at work to try to forget her. I had done pretty well, but then, he left her and she wanted to spend time with me again. Suddenly, we had things to talk about and everything was fine. We hung out as friends and we went on dates and kissed. I fell back in love with her but told her if the relationship were to continue she would have to follow me to the new country. She told me she wasn't sure if she loved me. She spent the night and we slept together right before I left and she said it was really good sex and didn't hurt.

    I got on a plane and arrived in a beautiful city where I had a better job and good friends waiting for me. She called me every night on the phone and wrote letters. Suddenly, she was sure she'd made a big mistake and that she loved me. She came to visit me in the new city even though I'd warned her that I had just started a new job and couldn't take off work. She stayed at home mostly, sleeping all day, depressed. No matter what we tried, sex was painful for her. We worked on my kissing but she was mean about it and basically said I was beyond help. She just wasn't into me. She told me the other guy had a much better body and she wasn't turned on by mine. It wasn't any consulation to know that I was her biggest despite that she had a lot more experience than me. I loved her and just wanted to be able to please her. In the end, she determined that I'm handsome but not sexually attractive to her. She was upset that she didn't orgasm while she was here and ended up breaking up with me on the webcam about a week later (around 4.5 months ago). I'm 26 years old and she was my second serious girlfriend, my second sex partner. She criticized every aspect of my sexual abilites to the point where my confidence has been completely demolished. She told me it wasn't possible for me to get any better-- otherwise, she would've stayed with me. I'm a naturally introverted person and I'm worried about dating again since I don't have a lot of experience. I worry that the next girl will think I'm a bad lover, too. I don't know what to do to make sex not hurt for girls. :frown1:

    People are exes for a reason. I've cut off all contact with this girl and the nightmares have mostly subsided. I'm still trying to handle the rest of the damage.
     
  6. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    sometimes getting back together works out and other times it doesn't. it all depends on how the two individuals handle the relationship and communicate with each other the second time around.

    in my personal opinion, i would not go back to anyone i've dated in the past. i am in a relationship now, the best relationship i've ever been in actually; but even if i were still single i wouldn't take back any man i've dated. an ex is an ex for a reason. i truly believe that breaking up and getting back together with someone you've dated is the start of an on-again-off-again relationship. there's nothing i hate more than that when it comes to dating.
     
  7. Principessa

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    Don't Do It!!

    I dated a manipulative, emotional, and verbally abusive man for 10 years. We broke up and had no contact for 4 years. No contact other than him sending me 2-4 dozen red roses on my birthday. Something he NEVER did in the 10 years we dated. :irked:
    For some insane rason we got back together for 2 years. We still had the same issues. I had grown as a person and he hadn't. I still needed more sex than he did. He didn't like that I had learned to think for myself, etc. etc.

     
  8. invisibleman

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    She sounds pretty awful. It is soo sad that sometimes beautiful people can ruin a person's soul by being with them.

    You deserve better, bud. You need a woman that will complement who you are. You really do. You need some women that will build your soul up. And know that sometimes it is better never seeing that woman again that wasn't good for you in the first place. Sometimes, we fall in love with the WRONG people. And THAT is a part of being human...and not a mistake. I hope that you do find that special woman because you definately don't need that ex.

     
  9. the_reverend

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    don't think any of it was your fault. she sounds very bipolar...and i'm not saying in that in a dismissive or pejorative way. like, clinically bipolar. you mention she was on meds and that kind of sweeping emotional change from "i love you" to "nothing about you appeals to me" and back and forth again seems very symptomatic of that. she clearly wasn't getting the help she needed, and you became someone she could depend on (knowingly or otherwise) to be there for her when she wanted you but also be a bit of a punching bag when she didn't. don't think every relationship is going to be like that and don't depend on what she or anyone else says about you for your confidence. hopefully, you find someone who can appreciate you and she'll find the help and stability she needs.
     
  10. invisibleman

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    My ex and I aren't friends anymore. As a matter of fact--when we see each other in public--he avoids me and gives me disregard. Six years of being together and disregard is what I got. He was the one who cheated on ME not the other way around. He didn't even end the relationship he had with me proper. But I found who the "other men" were.

    I don't know if I will probably date or take a man at his word because of what and how my ex handled the whole breakup. I know that I no longer take shit from no man. If any man is afraid of me for how I feel about and react to the bullshit he is about to deal, he can just deal because...I have dealt with many men who felt that it was okay to do whatever they felt like and try to come back to me like nothing happened...and I didn't have any say in the matter. And I am sorry-- I am not tolerating it.













     
  11. SpiceFromIndia

    SpiceFromIndia New Member

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    I never went back ... thats just my principle. Relationship is like a string once broken that knot is always there and it is weaker. And in my experiance it always ends up breaking up.
     
  12. Fleur

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    Well, in my parent's case, it actually made their relationship stronger. The break helped them grow and realize what they wanted.
     
  13. Lng_1

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    Largely, I think it depends on the reason for the break-up and if any steps were taken during the "break" that allowed the fences to be mended or problematic behavior to be corrected. If nothing is done, then it is not going to be any better the 2nd time around. Just like sour milk, it doesn't get better a week later, simply because you put it back in the refrigerator . . .
     
  14. lickme69

    lickme69 New Member

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    My take on it is that I dfo not believe I would ever get back together with an ex. I feel they are an ex for a reason and the probability that things have changed are little to none. Why put myself in that same situation again?
     
  15. helgaleena

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    I know myself sufficiently to tell you that in my case, I am on the faithful side, so when I am in a relationship I do not want it to end unless there is very good reason.

    So when my relationships end they have ended for a good reason and it would be stupid to go backward.

    In your parents case, fleur, it may be that one of them needed to learn to accommodate something about the relationship and managed to do so. I'll bet that they broke up soon after meeting and then rejoined once that thing was worked out.
     
  16. Fleur

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    Actually, no, they had been dating for a few years and broke up for a few months and then got back together. The didn't have any contact during the break up and got back together when my Mom was injured by her horse bucking her off when she was riding. They broke up originally because he was smothering her (according to my mom) and he fixed that.
     
  17. MalakingTiti

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    don't do it!
     
  18. D_Relentless Original

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    I AGREE, DON'T GO THERE:eek:
     
  19. LongandBigSub

    LongandBigSub New Member

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    You can't control other people, and you can't control your ex. Move on. You might have had some great times with your ex, but those moments are in the past, and you have to live in the present moment. The more you try to control your ex's behavior to make you feel a certain way, as you did when you dated, then the more hopeless you feel that you can't control him to like you, as he once did.

    If you want to change anything -don't change your ex - accept them from where they are - and change the only thing you can ever change, which is your response to anything that life sends you. You can only change your reaction, or your feelings, about how you feel about your ex.

    It may not be the advice you ever want to hear - but it's the only advice that will work, since I know from years of longing that diminished when I learned to change my reaction to my ex leaving. I said FUCK IT, got angry, bitched all those crappy feelings that I was holding on too, until I felt better, and the longiness begin to subside, as I continued to improve how I felt, not how my ex felt, about ME.

    You just have to improve the way you feel, day by day, feeling by feeling, as you try to practice every day on learning to improve the way you feel without them in your experience. And YOU HAVE TO WANT to change the way you feel.

    And if you don't want to change your feelings about your ex - and continue to focus on why he's not in your experience, and go on and on, about Why, Why, Why - you'll never move on with your life.

    Don't mean to be harsh - but it was true for me.
     
    #19 LongandBigSub, Aug 17, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2009
  20. helgaleena

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    She found out that he was there for her when she really needed it! That is the kind of close that does not smother! How wonderful.
     
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