Dating fears?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Rugbypup, Sep 8, 2009.

  1. Rugbypup

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    OK, here goes...

    After much flirting and shy, inexperienced attempts at being attractive, I've kinda met someone on the net who has asked me out for coffee.

    Progress it seems, after thirty something odd years, lol.

    Thing is... I've never really ever dated and I simply don't know what to do.

    I have a respectable set of social skills I hope but the fact this is a date makes the situation entirely different somehow, I'm so embarrassed about my inexperience and ignorance, I don't know what to do.

    He's a lovely sounding guy, the physical type I find attractive, we've never met but chatted online and text each other. I believe he is who he says he is. Believe me, chatting and texting a man is a quantum leap forward from where I began, lol. But meeting a man, in public... is a big step.

    Do you remember how you felt on your first date?

    I hid a lot of confusion in my teens, so when other guys were dating and experimenting, I never did. Then I spent so long grieving over the realisation that I was gay that it's only about now I think I might be able to have a go.

    My biggest fear, is if all goes well, and if I go and he doesn't think I'm a twat and I don't think he's a twat, then what? I'd be almost completely reliant on an attractive stranger to guide me... that requires a massive amount of both faith and trust.

    To top it off... I don't know how to kiss... I'm kinda shy, and not a touchy feely person, if it leads to kissing, what if I don't even like it? How do I say, by the way, can you teach me what to do, I understand the principle but not the mechanics, lol.

    There are so many things spinning around in my head... I don't know what to do.

    This sounds so silly now I'm reading this but if anyone has any advice, if anything here sounds familiar to any one, I could really use some advice...

    ...please.

    Cheers,

    Pup, x.
     
  2. Nrets

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    Relax. It may be awkward, it may be magical...but it is going to be a monumental step...and if he's cool, he'll appreciate that. Even if you feel nervous, whatever is meant to happen will happen naturally...if it does not...then it wasn't meant to be and you can move on. Go with the flow
     
  3. flame boy

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    It's not good me saying "try not to worry" but really that's key. Don't try and think what he is thinking of you, just be yourself and try to have a good time - then if it goes well you know that he likes you for being you, and if it doesn't work out then at least you have been true to yourself :)

    Best of luck!
     
  4. Rugbypup

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    Well, I agreed, today was the day, I cleaned my fur, cleaned myself right up in anticipation of a coffee date and... I got blown over due to him having flu, lol.

    Irony.

    Next time, soon I hope, lol.
     
  5. DiscoBoy

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    Firstly, you need to stop over thinking the entire thing. These things are rarely, if ever, logical or rational. Chemistry just doesn't work like that.

    Secondly, and this one ties in with the first, RELAX! You'll never give off a good first-impression if your attention is focused on whether or not your pinkie should be sticking out while drinking that coffee. All the little things you think he'll notice, he won't, but he will notice that you're unfocused, uncomfortable and fidgety. So, just relax. Talk to him as if you've known him for years.

    Third, your "biggest fear" applies to everyone, regardless of age. Once two people click, nobody knows where the relationship is going, but it's up to the both of you (that's where partnership comes in) to decide on that. A natural pace will form. Slow it down if you need to, or discuss going quicker if you feel that's what you want. No one person should control it all. Just assess your wants, desires and comfort zone and you'll know exactly where you'll want to go.

    Lastly, regarding the kissing, just let it come naturally. Follow his lead if you're that uncertain. Don't try to suck his entire face and don't be too inhibited. You'll be fine.:smile:

    Oh, and no one hates a puppy!:cool:
     
  6. Wish-4-8

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    Just do it.
    IF you fail miserably, be proud that at least you got out there.
    If it goes well, then... Well, you could fill in the blanks.

    So what if it goes bad. You would not be the first to have a bad coffee date. What you will gain is a story. Because now you have experaince. You learn from that and apply it to your next situation.

    See, we could give you a list of do's and dont's, but it will be useless because you dont want to think too much. You will think yourself out of enjoying yourself.

    Dont fear faliure or you will never have fun. Your inexperiance may be the basis of a fun conversation.

    Now, I have been general because this is a gay relationship which I have no experinace in. To be fair, I do not really know what the dynamics involved would be. If you were with a women, it would be easier for me to make suggestions. But the general tips I gave above apply to all situations in general.

    Good luck.
    Oh, I did post in you kissing thread which I read and posted before I saw this one. you will know what I mean by that when you read it.
     
  7. Rugbypup

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    OK... after much text and internet flirting, the coffee date is back on!

    I'm off in an hour, for my third time ever attempt at a date!

    I'm bricking it... he's invited me to his house this afternoon. Though part of me would have preferred a public venue, part of me is glad this won't be in public, lol.

    He seems a really genuine guy...

    ...what do you talk about the first time you meet someone?

    I feel like an awkward, scared teenager... I didn't know it would be this difficult!
     
  8. Rugbypup

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    ...well, all went surprisingly well, at least I think it did.

    I guess if I don't hear from him again, I really was the gushing, waffling prat I was worried I was being, lol.

    He's a very nice guy, intelligent with obvious depth of soul. If nothing else, I hope he and I may be friends. It was deeply refreshing to speak openly about being gay, lol.

    Oh well, I survived, lol.
     
  9. VeeP

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    Great to hear, puppy. :arms:

    Now, tell us how hot he is on a scale from 1 to 10.... :tongue:
     
  10. Rugbypup

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    Well, he's tall, hairy (dark haired) and got big paws, lol, he's fit and always down the gym and I know he's got a much bigger than mine, cut, longer, not to girthy cock, so he scores a 8/9 there.

    I've always though longer cocks with average girths are sexy. Big girths look too painful and a hassle to even entertain, lol.

    He's smart, intelligent and spiritual, so another 8/9 there.

    He was easy to talk to despite seeming equally nervous and as shy as myself. I felt I lead the conversation but only slightly, but he certainly was able to contribute and comprehend the depth, subtly and meaning to what I was saying, so a 6/7 there.

    We have a great deal of similar interest and tastes, a clear 7/8 there.

    I didn't get an immediate sense of dominance, mastfulness or a sexual threatening vibe, so a little disappointing there, a 4/5.

    I didn't feel submissive or overly affectionate, more engaged and intellectual, so a 5 there.

    Only one or two inflections of things made me think he was gay, I say that as I find camp effeminate and obviously flamboyant gay men very unappealing. I want to be able to wrestle and fight a little to, I like being scruffed up affectionately. I'm not sure I'd get that from him.

    All round, a very nice guy, though I don't know what he thinks of me. I would like to have a friendship with him and if it goes past that then it was meant to be, if not, I'd like him as a friend.

    Sounds silly but if he had that air of dominance and confidence straight men display, he'd be perfect, lol.

    I feel, more human. :biggrin1:
     
    #10 Rugbypup, Sep 22, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  11. Bbucko

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    Just a thought from someone who is ordinarily very aggressive and naturally dominant:

    He might have calibrated his approach after sensing your shyness, not wanting to scare you off or overwhelm you, especially during a first encounter. I'm sure he was concerned about being on his best behavior, which in this case might have been less threatening, especially with someone as trepidatious as you undoubtedly were (it being your first date and all).

    Follow-up is key right now. If he hasn't called or tried to contact you online within 72 hours, take the initiative, if only to thank him for a good time and to offer the wish of a repeat sooner rather than later.
     
  12. VeeP

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    Had the same thought, and if true, it says a lot about him.
     
  13. Rugbypup

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    Perhaps... he did seem familiar in the sense of maybe being a bit submissive to, I certainly didn't get a predatory vibe but maybe your are correct. I do like men who know they are men, if that makes sense.

    Though, for someone with very little experience I'm pleased my instincts seem correct. I have indeed text to say it was nice to see him face to face and thanked him for the coffee.

    He's commented on my mind and demeanour so I guess I didn't come off as a total wanker, lol.

    In reply, I've suggested a movie, pizza and a few beers one night, thinking I'll try a blokey mate approach and he has agreed. No when yet, but I shall leave that up to him.

    I feel that it would not take much for me to be totally out of my depth and frame of experience and reference and I am concerned what to do 'when' I hit that point. Though, right now, I'm thinking friends... get familiar, comfortable and see what happens from there.

    :redface:
     
    #13 Rugbypup, Sep 22, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  14. Rugbypup

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    Here's hoping, lol. I am quite empathic and perceptive of people and I just didn't get a confident dominate vibe. He seems slightly more pacifistic than warrior, you know?

    Not that there is anything wrong with that. Having spent so much time n the company of aggressive straight men of late, perhaps my perceptions are a little off.
     
    #14 Rugbypup, Sep 22, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  15. dolfette

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    pup, you're so damn cute!
     
  16. Rugbypup

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  17. VeeP

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    Must he come dressed in only a football? lol
     
  18. Rugbypup

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    Yes dam it, yes!

    That or the blood of the other men who tried to claim me as theirs over him, lol. :tongue:
     
    #18 Rugbypup, Sep 22, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  19. Bbucko

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    Take it slow and steady: it's kinda like a Kabuki dance right now until you each pierce the other's shell. Also have confidence that you'll have the proper instincts when the need arises, so don't fret unduly now.

    Regarding the whole "submissive" thing:

    1) When you flirted online, did you make him aware of your requirements regarding a forceful, aggressive guy?

    2) Are you mistaking common social decency for weakness?

    3) If he came at you full-throttle and overbearing would you really have been any more comfortable?

    4) Gay men (no matter how butch) on a date (especially a first date) will be deferential unless they are either total boors or are role-playing as part of psychosexual gamesmanship: you would want either one of those.

    Keep us apprised of the progress.
     
  20. dolfette

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