Dating/Relationship a second time around...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by claddagh, Jul 21, 2011.

  1. claddagh

    claddagh Member

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    I'd like to hear your opinions (especially Dolfette & Hildaire) regarding my current situation. I dated this guy a few years ago and we've been roommates/friends with benefits for the past 18 months (although the sex has dwindled away). We are the best of friends - neither of us has ever lived with someone else before and gotten along as well.

    Neither of us is currently dating anyone and we live in a very small town. We've both looked at a variety of dating sites and there is just no one out there (100 mile radius) that either of us is interested in. He is starting to get depressed about the lack of dating material.

    So, the other day I mentioned to him that I don't know why we don't "date" again, since we get along so well and really care for one another. He took a couple of days to think it over and then told me that he loves me to death but doesn't think he could have a sexual relationship with me again, especially without cheating. I had a feeling that this was the case and pushed the issue because I really wanted to know why. I know him well enough that I know while he says he wants a monogamous relationship, deep down he could never really have one and that's ok with me - normally it wouldn't be, but I know that while he couldn't be monogamous he would never leave someone that he really loved.

    His response was that he can't get over my "gut" (although I am over weight, I'm not obese and I have weighed the same and worn the same size clothes the entire time we've known each other - 5 years), he also has a problem with my feet (I have very dry skin and have had toenail fungus, which while gone has left my nails thick). While I completely understand how these things could influence someone new - I don't understand why he can't seem to get over them now since I haven't changed the entire time he's known me and since we both love each other and have bonded even more over the last 18 months. In fact both of us have been thinking about moving away - and during this conversation he admitted to me that he doesn't think he could move without me. I've offered kind of a life partnership - we would work together to make our lives better, live on property together but not necessarily in the same house and to help each other - but we would be free to date others if someone we were interested in moved into the area. While this isn't the best solution to me, I honestly don't think either of us will find anyone else and neither of us wants to end up alone. I'm 47 and he's 51.

    I guess I'm asking your opinions on a few different things (and I'm sure that I'll get others as well). Do you think we should just move on? Do you think this is a good solution? Would you let the gut/feet thing keep you from a sexual relationship with someone? Thank you for your feedback!
     
  2. helgaleena

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    Those sound like excuses. He is not as broad-minded as you and wants to keep his options open.
     
  3. dolfette

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    he's just not that into you, doll.
    a person cannot define and defend attraction.
    i'm sure there are people you get on really well with but just don't have any desire to be with sexually.
    also... it sounds like your suggestion stems more from the fact that nothing better has turned up rather than from an overwhelming desire to be with him. that's no real basis for a relationship.

    he wants to meet someone he just desperately wants to be with. it wouldn't be right for him to take advantage of your offer when his heart isn't in it and he's still hoping someone else will come sweep him off his feet.

    you deserve more than this. why do you want a man who clearly does not crave you? aim higher. look for a man who will crave you, adore you, devour you. don't settle!

    you're best friends. i love my best friend but would not want to sleep with her. it's a different type of love. not lesser, just different.
     
  4. claddagh

    claddagh Member

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    Thank you both! I value your opinions so much - sorry for leaving you out of the original post Helgalena! Actually I would very much like to be with him forever the only reason I continue to look is because he hasn't been interested in pursuing a relationship after the first go around. But I will take your advice and move on, we will always be the best of friends. Now I just need to decide whether to stay here or move away...
     
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