Dating when you're hiv+

[1150724]

Hi guys, I was wondering what everyone thinks about this? I've been positive since April 2017 and undetectable since June 2017. Which means I can't pass on and I'm a healthy guy. I always prefer having sex with condom of course. I did just one mistake in 2016 and now have to take one tablet everyday rest of my life.

At first it was so difficult to adjust. When I look at other people I used to think that they are the heathly normal people and now I am the sick one. However, I decided to take some professional support here in Brighton. They then explained to me that this is not like what it was in the 80s. As long as I am undetectable I literally cannot infect anybody even without condom (but again, i would not take a risk again and always using condom now). I started to look after my health and go to gym 5 days a week. I feel much more healthier than before tbh.

For me the most difficult thing is that the stigma people doesn't want to say but as soon as they hear that I am positive they just fade away from the conversation (both in dating apps or real life). I just lost my faith in relationships tbh.

I don't expect anyone here to come up and share their story but what are your thoughts about this? If you're negative, do you find it diffcult to date with someone positive? (even tho he is undetectable).

Cheers guys.

 

[palakaorion]

I'm only intimate with someone I'm in love with.

If I was already in love with someone before I knew they were positive, it would make me reconsider, because why did they keep it a secret until I had feelings for them? What else are they hiding?

If we were already involved and they were exposed through no fault of their own (rare but it happens), it would be different than if they were out creeping and were exposed, because then there's the betrayal to deal with, and what other stuff did they bring home?

If I learned someone was positive before I had feelings for them, I would probably not move the relationship towards romance. I would probably remain friends if we had other stuff in common. Unless their exposure was just one event in a pattern of behavior that I couldn't tolerate, then I would probably let the relationship drift apart.

So basically, it's not the virus itself, but the behavior that led to exposure and it's effect on the relationship that matters. And whether that behavior is likely to continue.

 

[Beanie]

I have to commend you candidness and honesty regarding this situation. A lot of ‘damage’ was done in the 80’s and 90
‘s where there was so much scaremongering that people are still afraid. I love that pride across the world are trying to spread the message that guys who are undetectable are untransmitable but there’s so much stigma people are scared.

We’ve come a long way but we’ve still got a long way to go with education. HIV will be a thing of the past soon enough but right night it’s got such a stigma people think it’s still this massive issue when it’s really not if you’re in control of your health!

 

[1150724]

Thanks @Beanie , yes the stigma itself is the most difficult thing to overcome

@palakaorion , thank you for your answer too. Maybe I didn’t get it correctly but do you mean that the act that caused this is important for you and you probably wouldn’t wanna be with someone just because you think he would do what he did before again?

 

[palakaorion]

I love that pride across the world are trying to spread the message that guys who are undetectable are untransmitable but there’s so much stigma people are scared.

Undetectable only remains so if the person stays fully compliant with their treatment regimen. And doesn't expose themselves to other strains via unsafe behavior.

My good friend is positive and currently undetectable. But he's also been known to prioritize his meds below other stuff if money gets tight, like if he loses insurance coverage due to job changes etc. He's been very near death more than once.

 

[Beanie]

Thanks @Beanie , yes the stigma itself is the most difficult thing to overcome

@palakaorion , thank you for your answer too. Maybe I didn’t get it correctly but do you mean that the act that caused this is important for you and you probably wouldn’t wanna be with someone just because you think he would do what he did before again?

You are most welcome, it’s something that desperately needs to change! Minds need to change and the would HIV stigma needs to be clarified. If you are undetectable, you are untrasmitable! You shouldn’t be treated any differently to someone who doesn’t have HIV

 

[palakaorion]

Maybe I didn’t get it correctly but do you mean that the act that caused this is important for you and you probably wouldn’t wanna be with someone just because you think he would do what he did before again?

If we're having sex, then I expect that we're exclusive. So if my partner was exposed, it matters *how*. If it was via sex, then they were creeping. If they are a nurse and had a needle stick, that's different.

 

[Beanie]

Undetectable only remains so if the person stays fully compliant with their treatment regimen. And doesn't expose themselves to other strains via unsafe behavior.

My good friend is positive and currently undetectable. But he's also been known to prioritize his meds below other stuff if money gets tight, like if he loses insurance coverage due to job changes etc. He's been very near death more than once.

It’s always going to be a case on case bases but if you are diligent with your health then it will not be a problem. What I said is based on people who are looking after them selves and managing their condition so they can become undetectable and untransmitable. If there are people out there who are HIV+ and not managing their condition, not looking after themselves and inconsiderate of others then it will always be a problem. People have to be responsible. HIV will be eradicated one day! But everyone has to pitch in. Get help, get educated, get tested.

 

[palakaorion]

People have to be responsible. HIV will be eradicated one day! But everyone has to pitch in. Get help, get educated, get tested

I honestly hope you're right. Nobody deserves a terminal condition as a result of having sex.

But seeing how many other "eradicated" diseases are making a comeback due to complacency (and vaccine panic), I'm less than 100 percent optimistic.

 

[Beanie]

I honestly hope you're right. Nobody deserves a terminal condition as a result of having sex.

But seeing how many other "eradicated" diseases are making a comeback due to complacency (and vaccine panic), I'm less than 100 percent optimistic.

I agree, complacency is the biggest issue that we’re facing when we think about getting rid of diseases like this but we have to stay vigilant. Education is the biggest and best tool that we have and it has to be advantages for us!

 

[1150724]

I agree with you @Beanie and do not understand those who are positive but don’t prioritise their health. For me my medication is the number 1 priority in my life now. Thanks to UK government. I don’t have to pay for my medication. I became undetectable after just 1 month in 2017. Since then I’ve been undetectable and i will be until end of my life.

@palakaorion i totally understand you about being in a relationship and then finding out that your partner has this. However, my main point was to get some feedback from you guys to understand what really negative people are thinking about this. I’m mostly a relationship person but it is so difficult if you’re positive. I always tell about this to other person before anything else. Then generally nothing happens.

 

[Beanie]

@TurkishFella ghere needs to be so much more education around this! I hope so much that you find someone who is intelligent and dnducafed enough to know that you are not a risk to them. HIV is a minor illness now and everyone should know that.

 

[deano-uk]

I am negative but my partner is HIV+ I didn’t know when we met, but he was upset when he told me that perhaps I would want to know him when he told me, I said why does it matter, I love Kev you as a person, I’m an educated person, I know the risks and I can live with them if you can, we are still together neatly 10 years later, so don’t assume everyone will judge you, some will but not all.

 

[nailz]

If you are undetectable, you are untrasmitable! You shouldn’t be treated any differently to someone who doesn’t have HIV

I hope so much that you find someone who is intelligent and dnducafed enough to know that you are not a risk to them. HIV is a minor illness now and everyone should know that.

Being undetectable isn't a constant and guaranteed state, it's dependent on several factors including the person's diligence in taking their meds.

HIV treatment has come a long way and that there's a horrible stigma that needs to go away but not to the point of trivializing it. HIV is not a "minor illness"

Having unprotected sex with without disclosing HIV status is a crime in many countries, regardless of whether you think it's a risk or not. It's my body and I have the right to decide what risks I take, not you. I would certainly press charges if someone did not tell me they have HIV and had unprotected sex with me.

 

[mephsson]

Yeah, stigma amongst gay guys is awful.
They can be very hurtful with words, tho I haven’t experienced that yet.
If it comes to hookups, gays doesn’t really mind, at least here in Scotland, but relationships can be quite tough, tho I am in relationship since November, and my partner knows about my status since the beginning (through my grindr profile - funny story tho), but yeah. He doesn’t mind, we don’t use protection as I’m undetectable over a year now and on top of that when he was doing some tests he went to speak with doctors/nurses in the clinic, so he got himself some education in that matter.
I am really glad he didn’t cross me, cause of my status.

 

[1150724]

I am negative but my partner is HIV+ I didn’t know when we met, but he was upset when he told me that perhaps I would want to know him when he told me, I said why does it matter, I love Kev you as a person, I’m an educated person, I know the risks and I can live with them if you can, we are still together neatly 10 years later, so don’t assume everyone will judge you, some will but not all.

Aww that’s so sweet. I wish you and ypur partner a lifetime joy and happiness

 

[1150724]

Being undetectable isn't a constant and guaranteed state, it's dependent on several factors including the person's diligence in taking their meds.

HIV treatment has come a long way and that there's a horrible stigma that needs to go away but not to the point of trivializing it. HIV is not a "minor illness"

Having unprotected sex with without disclosing HIV status is a crime in many countries, regardless of whether you think it's a risk or not. It's my body and I have the right to decide what risks I take, not you. I would certainly press charges if someone did not tell me they have HIV and had unprotected sex with me.

I agree with you and this should be definitely a crime. However, as a person who has this cirus in my body, i can honestly tell you that as long as you take your medicine this is really a manageable chronic disease like diabetes. As I stated in my first message, I always use condom even tho I am undetectable and I always tell my status before anything else happens. However it’s so annoying and sad to see that many people are asking to have raw sex because they are on prep. So many others are into drugs. I really fed up trying to educate them. I hope i will be able to find the mr right (positive or negative doesn’t matter).

 

[1150724]

Yeah, stigma amongst gay guys is awful.
They can be very hurtful with words, tho I haven’t experienced that yet.
If it comes to hookups, gays doesn’t really mind, at least here in Scotland, but relationships can be quite tough, tho I am in relationship since November, and my partner knows about my status since the beginning (through my grindr profile - funny story tho), but yeah. He doesn’t mind, we don’t use protection as I’m undetectable over a year now and on top of that when he was doing some tests he went to speak with doctors/nurses in the clinic, so he got himself some education in that matter.
I am really glad he didn’t cross me, cause of my status.

That’s really nice hearing this @mephsson and you are breaver than me I must say. I can’t have sex without condom even tho I’m undetectable. But this is me.

 

[Beanie]

Being undetectable isn't a constant and guaranteed state, it's dependent on several factors including the person's diligence in taking their meds.

HIV treatment has come a long way and that there's a horrible stigma that needs to go away but not to the point of trivializing it. HIV is not a "minor illness"

Having unprotected sex with without disclosing HIV status is a crime in many countries, regardless of whether you think it's a risk or not. It's my body and I have the right to decide what risks I take, not you. I would certainly press charges if someone did not tell me they have HIV and had unprotected sex with me.

Ok maybe saying it was a minor illness was a mistake and I completely agree that everyone should disclose their status before anything happens. In no way way I saying that I what I said and if you read it that way then I’m sorry but that is not what I was trying to say

 

[1150724]

Ok maybe saying it was a minor illness was a mistake and I completely agree that everyone should disclose their status before anything happens. In no way way I saying that I what I said and if you read it that way then I’m sorry but that is not what I was trying to say

I understand what exactly you were trying to say @Beanie ,you meant that this is not like 80s anymore. I remember the ads on telly in the 80s with a great big tomb stone AIDS written on it. Medication is now very advanced and this is a "manageable" illness now. Also some people still don't know that aids and hiv are two different things.

Hiv is when you carry the virus in your blood, you need to start taking medication before it's too late. If you don't take your medication then your immune system gets damaged too much that it's impossible to reverse it back and you eventually pass away from even a basic cold. That's why the medication is very important. It's not only helping you to keep your health but also it makes it impossable for you to pass on the virus to someone else.

I remember my last date in London last month. He was an architect and I thught he is very educated so he might be very thoughful. But as soon as I told him that I am positive but undetectable, he went very red and told me that I should have date with positive people this is disgusting after that I just stopped looking for someone else. It made me so sad, i didn't want to go to work next day but i had to. I was pretending like I am happy but I wasn't. I just don't want to feel ike that again. So I gave up. I am 35 years old and it scares me thinking that I will be alone rest of my life