Dating when you're hiv+

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1150724

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Hi guys, I was wondering what everyone thinks about this? I've been positive since April 2017 and undetectable since June 2017. Which means I can't pass on and I'm a healthy guy. I always prefer having sex with condom of course. I did just one mistake in 2016 and now have to take one tablet everyday rest of my life.

At first it was so difficult to adjust. When I look at other people I used to think that they are the heathly normal people and now I am the sick one. However, I decided to take some professional support here in Brighton. They then explained to me that this is not like what it was in the 80s. As long as I am undetectable I literally cannot infect anybody even without condom (but again, i would not take a risk again and always using condom now). I started to look after my health and go to gym 5 days a week. I feel much more healthier than before tbh.

For me the most difficult thing is that the stigma :( people doesn't want to say but as soon as they hear that I am positive they just fade away from the conversation (both in dating apps or real life). I just lost my faith in relationships tbh.

I don't expect anyone here to come up and share their story but what are your thoughts about this? If you're negative, do you find it diffcult to date with someone positive? (even tho he is undetectable).

Cheers guys.
 

EquusAZ

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*Deep breath*

I have zero patience for people who treat HIV+ folks as if they have "The Plague." News flash folks, LIFE is a death sentence. There are many other ways to die in this world than one infection contracted during sex. Not only that, Sex can bring you some pretty nasty infections BESIDES HIV. Go google Syphilis sores for some really eye opening reality on what you can contract. Its also not the only 'life long' virus you can contract via sex. Herpes. Nuff said.

All of this being said, it took me a long time to come to terms with HIV and its effects on people, and I don't mean just the infection itself. Just after I came out (about a month later) one of my close friends and his boyfriend were both diagnosed as HIV Positive. That was a real wake up call as back then the medications were not as effective as they are today. Fast forward almost 10 years, and the guy I had just broken up with contracted HIV.

That was a major wake up call. Why? He and I had been very close, and it was difficult to learn that someone I had been with had been infected while I had not. He went through just about every stage of grief out there and quite drastically. His denial stage could have killed him as he refused treatment until he contracted AIDS. He was down to single digit T-Cells and after having an intervention with him, he's been on treatment ever since and has a great life.

I also watched how the disease affects the family of those who contract it. I've seen it all from activism on the part of their infected loved one, to turning them out, almost onto the street with no support. Its been a long road to get to where I am today.

My partner is positive and has been for a while. When we first me he told me off the bat. It wasn't an issue for me one iota. Why? I'm educated on the disease. He takes his medicine, and I get tested regularly. Early on, however, it was a bit of an issue. Not because of my view point, but because of his fear for me, of having to deal with the disease.

And that's all this is. Can we still die from it? Yes. Is it common? No. But guess what - we all die from something. Life is terminal. It'll kill ya. To shut someone out of your life, or to shut down the potential of someone being in your life as a partner / date / friend is short sighted. Knowing the risks, weighing what those risks mean to you, and making a decision is what is important here. Are you willing to alienate someone who could be 'the one' just because of a virus they have?

Again - there are so many other things that are terminal but manageable that people don't make as big of a deal about. Cancer, heart disease, diabetes, just to name a few. Dealing with someone with those diseases requires adjustment, just like with HIV, but for some reason people put a higher level of importance on a sexually transmitted disease and HIV in particular because of how the disease has been framed.

You probably have heard these statements uttered:
"If you cheat, you get HIV."
"If you're immortal you get HIV."
"Better them than me"


Now I can hear some folks on here talk about how you can't catch cancer, or diabetes. True, very true. However, how do you know you WON'T contract that disease yourself? Or perhaps something worse? One of my ex's gay uncles had just retired at 50 and was excited about spending time with his partner traveling, only to be diagnosed with brain cancer, and he was dead in under 3 months.

My point here is that there are worse things out there than HIV, and to say someone won't consider dating someone who his positive because of that is a little short sighted and, frankly, bigoted.

To those who are positive, hang in there. I wish I could say that people are smart, will educate themselves, and take a chance. But that's not the case.

To those who won't consider dating someone who is HIV positive, or shy away from getting in a relationship with someone so infected, you could be missing out on something great. My partner is the absolutely most loyal, sweet, considerate, sexy, fun, and awesome guy I have ever met, and I would not trade him for any one regardless of their status.
 

auncut10in

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It makes me sad to hear anyone who feels like they are somehow branded or less than. You are not, any more than anyone else in life that is dealing with a medical condition. HIV is way down the list of diseases that can severely impact your life. It is manageable. You can live a healthy and normal life. There are a lot of diseases you can't say that about.

My partner is positive, I am negative. We have been together for 10 years. What does that say about the dangers of HIV? We have an open relationship. I never ask a person if they are positive or negative. It doesn't matter to me. What does matter to me is how safe I play. That should be anyone's only concern.

To those that feel some kind of personal insult or betrayal if the guy doesn't divulge his status on the first time you meet, GROW UP. You don't know what you would do or how you would handle it if you were positive. Maybe the person feels like there is more to them than just being positive and doesn't feel that needs to be the first thing he tells you about himself. I can't even remember when or how my boyfriend told me he was positive. His HIV status had nothing to do with why I wanted to get to know him better. It has nothing to do with why we are still together celebrating our first decade together.
 

mephsson

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Yeah, stigma amongst gay guys is awful.
They can be very hurtful with words, tho I haven’t experienced that yet.
If it comes to hookups, gays doesn’t really mind, at least here in Scotland, but relationships can be quite tough, tho I am in relationship since November, and my partner knows about my status since the beginning (through my grindr profile - funny story tho), but yeah. He doesn’t mind, we don’t use protection as I’m undetectable over a year now and on top of that when he was doing some tests he went to speak with doctors/nurses in the clinic, so he got himself some education in that matter.
I am really glad he didn’t cross me, cause of my status.
 

Beanie

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I have to commend you candidness and honesty regarding this situation. A lot of ‘damage’ was done in the 80’s and 90
‘s where there was so much scaremongering that people are still afraid. I love that pride across the world are trying to spread the message that guys who are undetectable are untransmitable but there’s so much stigma people are scared.

We’ve come a long way but we’ve still got a long way to go with education. HIV will be a thing of the past soon enough but right night it’s got such a stigma people think it’s still this massive issue when it’s really not if you’re in control of your health!
 

deano-uk

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I am negative but my partner is HIV+ I didn’t know when we met, but he was upset when he told me that perhaps I would want to know him when he told me, I said why does it matter, I love Kev you as a person, I’m an educated person, I know the risks and I can live with them if you can, we are still together neatly 10 years later, so don’t assume everyone will judge you, some will but not all.
 

nailz

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If you are undetectable, you are untrasmitable! You shouldn’t be treated any differently to someone who doesn’t have HIV
I hope so much that you find someone who is intelligent and dnducafed enough to know that you are not a risk to them. HIV is a minor illness now and everyone should know that.

Being undetectable isn't a constant and guaranteed state, it's dependent on several factors including the person's diligence in taking their meds.

HIV treatment has come a long way and that there's a horrible stigma that needs to go away but not to the point of trivializing it. HIV is not a "minor illness" : unamused:

Having unprotected sex with without disclosing HIV status is a crime in many countries, regardless of whether you think it's a risk or not. It's my body and I have the right to decide what risks I take, not you. I would certainly press charges if someone did not tell me they have HIV and had unprotected sex with me.
 

pwrdick

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It's great that you were diagnosed quickly and immediately went on medication. Your HIV infection had very little time to do damage to you, and you rapidly became un-transmittable to others. I really appreciate that you are doing your part to help educate others, but I know it has to be draining to feel like you have to be a teacher as well as a possible date/sex partner!

Even though you are not able to infect your partners, there are other reasons why HIV- guys might shy away from starting a relationship with you. Other life-long medical conditions and physical handicaps can scare people away. Some of it is because we remind others of mortality and human frailty, and it also might remind possible dates about the possibility of you perhaps ding earlier than other possible mates. When people start dating, they want to think only of possibilities and not necessarily of consequences or limitations.

After my partner died, I dated as a HIV+ man before HIV became completely manageable. I personally only wanted to have sex with and date other HIV+ guys. I got a lot of interest from HIV- guys, but I didn't want to run any risk of infecting anyone else. But having relationships only with other HIV+ guys meant that we would have something in common. And I didn't have to spend a lot of time dealing with guys who were unfamiliar with or even scared of dealing with my infection. Now that many guys are on PrEP (the once-daily pill that prevents HIV infection) and my own viral load is undetectable, some of my concerns should be abated, but I still only play around with other guys who are already HIV+. It's easier, and I don't have to worry about guilt or performance issues with someone who isn't already HIV+.

If you are meeting guys online, I HIGHLY recommend that you include your HIV status in your profile so that you pre-select guys who are open to sex or a possible relationship with someone who is HIV+. Bring up your status casually, but early, in any connection you make face-to-face to quickly 'weed out' those who aren't ready to deal with HIV. I wish you a LOT of success!
 

AMTZ410213

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It makes me sad to hear anyone who is positive feel like they are somehow branded for being positive.
I don’t think that situation will last much longer. I remember being a kid in the 1980s and hearing what a horrible life people who were infected with HIV and later AIDS would have. Today, I don’t hear anything about people whose HIV infections progress to become AIDS. We even have a single pill that people take daily that can reduce the virus down to undetectable levels. If medicine has advanced that far in 30 years, a cure can’t be far off. Hang in there, @TurkishFella. I’m really hopeful that your generation will be the last that will have to deal with this terrible disease.

:kissing_heart: <— I wanted to find a hug emoji but I guess this will have to do.
 

Infernal

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My husband is positive, I'm not. We've been together for 10 years. He sticks to his medication and is in some ways healthier than I am. As others have said, it isn't the death sentence it used to be. Just remember that taking care of yourself now includes looking out for others. It isn't too difficult to do.
 

halcyondays

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I remember sitting around microbiology class in 1982 debating whether the "gay man's disease" or "gay related immunity disease" (GRID) was caused by a virus or bacterium. Arguments were made for and against each but most thought it viral because broad spectrum antibiotics probably would have wiped out a bacterium in patients.

GRID quickly became AIDS when it became apparent it wasn't limited to the gay community. Two separate research teams announced they had isolated the retrovirus in 1983.

When I became sexually active with guys starting in 1984 I assumed everyone had HIV. At the time there was tremendous uncertainty about how the virus was transmitted. It was found in blood, semen and saliva. Even tears were suspect. For a while even kissing was suspect.

As a total top (I didn't bottom until 20 years later) I always wore condoms. At first I was more interested in protecting myself from fecal matter and the witches brew of pathogens within, lol. My risk was kissing and unprotected oral sex. I tasted cock and semen but didn't do it often or with many partners. To my relief my first HIV tests came back negative (and have remained so). Later the primary mechanism for sexual transmission was discovered--unprotected anal or vaginal sex.

Thirty-four years later I still assume every partner I encounter is HIV+ whether they know it or not or admit it or not. I haven't ever refused a man for being pos. I won't suck any guy bare if I've bitten my tongue or the inside of my mouth and the wound hasn't fully healed. As for anal penetration my credo remains no glove no love.

Sometimes I wish it was still the 1980s when everyone was running scared. Maybe people would use more caution. I know too many guys who lived fast and died young but did not leave good looking corpses. Thinking of them still breaks my heart.
 
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1150724

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OMG guys, I haven't been here for a while and now reading all those posts from all of you. All I can say is "thank you so much, what a great bunch of good people you all are" <3

I just had my last 6 monthly results and my doc said that I am completely healthy and will remain like this rest of my life. I asked her what she thinks abut my life expectancy and she laughed at me, She said that I'm gonna live normal life as if I am negative because all my internals are in good working order, I am still undetectable and I will remain undetectable. She said that I should be thankful because there are worst illnesses than HIV, such as cancer. I don't wanna think about that.

So I am healthy and undetectable but the only thing is that I am still single and those couplr of incidents with guys where they treated me like a germ really took away my confidence :( Now, when I look at other gay couples I feel so sad and thinking if Iam going to find my other half or die alone :(

But anyway, thanks for all your lovely words guys, I'm so happy to be here tbh :)
 

palakaorion

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I'm only intimate with someone I'm in love with.

If I was already in love with someone before I knew they were positive, it would make me reconsider, because why did they keep it a secret until I had feelings for them? What else are they hiding?

If we were already involved and they were exposed through no fault of their own (rare but it happens), it would be different than if they were out creeping and were exposed, because then there's the betrayal to deal with, and what other stuff did they bring home?

If I learned someone was positive before I had feelings for them, I would probably not move the relationship towards romance. I would probably remain friends if we had other stuff in common. Unless their exposure was just one event in a pattern of behavior that I couldn't tolerate, then I would probably let the relationship drift apart.

So basically, it's not the virus itself, but the behavior that led to exposure and it's effect on the relationship that matters. And whether that behavior is likely to continue.
 

palakaorion

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People have to be responsible. HIV will be eradicated one day! But everyone has to pitch in. Get help, get educated, get tested
I honestly hope you're right. Nobody deserves a terminal condition as a result of having sex.

But seeing how many other "eradicated" diseases are making a comeback due to complacency (and vaccine panic), I'm less than 100 percent optimistic.
 
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Silbot.

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I'm negative and have never, ever turned down a guy who was courageous (and caring) enough to disclose his HIV status. Bravery is sexy. No one has ever fantasized about being ravaged by a coward.

We need more guys like you in the world. In order for that to happen, we need to encourage full disclosure. To encourage full disclosure, there can be no penalty for honesty. Sadly, there remain people among us who do not understand this or are too fearful to pursue this rather simple logic. I understand their position, but I wish it were different.

I'm sorry you've endured these negative experiences. Keep doing what you are doing tho, know that you are fully in the right, and that there are many here who are not only behind you, but also not put off by your HIV status in the least.

(See avatar for your hug -- they seem to be going around)
 
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Faunus

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Yes, thank you @EquusAZ. As we are in a serodiscordant relationship, my health is always on my mind, and even more so when it comes to the health of my partner. Just going to sound off some thoughts, so here we go...

First things first, I have @EquusAZ in my life; I am extremely fortunate to have found him a second time( we met once, 17 years ago, when we were young). He is the one who has been by my side since the first day he came into my life.

There is a HUGE stigma surrounding those living with HIV/AIDS. I assure you, I did not go out looking to become infected. I did go out looking for acceptance, honesty,intimacy, physicality- basic components of a healthy sexual encounter; Some of the primary reasons for stigma are just manifestations of conversations that are not being held in public, and in private. I can say, that, as a gay man of color, I have been subjected to both overt, and subversive discriminatory interactions BASED SOLELY ON MY SKIN TONE. There exists many layers of angst, anger, and hostility, directed at the LGBT+ community at large, and just as much animosity directed towards those who exist within a smaller microcosm of the nebula that is the LGBT+ community. We need to be honest with ourselves if we are going to heal ourselves.

Yes, contracting HIV is, forgive me for the use of the word, unimaginable- until we are the one who is diagnosed. Gay men are no strangers to harboring virulent levels of internalized homophobia, among other things; one such is having such a violent reaction towards those who are positive, or undetectable. The linguistic cue of "clean" has a connotation that is very damaging to the psyche and well-being of the person who has to contend with the reality of the virus; I am not "dirty", and you do a disservice to all those who came before you, those whom are your contemporaries, and those who have yet to have their lives changed forevermore by a single encounter.

I am 100% sure I contracted the virus by having unprotected sex; I am not an intravenous drug user. I am also 100% sure that the individual who infected me was of one of two mindsets: he either 1) was aware of his status, and chose to not disclose it to me, for fear of rejection; or 2) was not aware of his status, and chose to communicate his status was negative. I take full responsibility of my actions that led me up to that fateful encounter, because I know in my heart of hearts, I was tired of being perceived as "less desirable" because of "my skin color/race"(we are one race, homo sapiens sapiens-so enough with the "what race are you?" question; ethnicity is a more accurate term, one that is surely to not be perceived as naively quaint, or innocuously offensive and lacking in charm or subtlety). I have a right, as does every single person on this planet, to be able to give and receive the love and energy and emotion that we as humans so desperately crave and benefit from.

To that end, engaging in sexual activities that may be deemed as "unsafe"(bareback and/or chem-sex are the two that come to mind immediately) are a part of everyday life, especially when humans are notorious for doing anything and/or everything they can to get what they want; it does not excuse the encounters that may be seen as "self-harming", or sociopathic, but pretending that it doesn't exist makes the problem worse; For example, I love bareback sex- that's me. I also know that while I am undetectable, I could still contract any one of a plethora of STI's that my ART doesn't guarantee me protection from. If I were to engage in unprotected sex, I should be fully mindful that, at the very least, I could catch a case of crabs, and at the very worst, Hepatitis-C, or HIV. When guys want to go bareback, they should totally be aware that they need to be able to have an open, and honest communication with their potential partners, without fear of judgement or shame. Men need to be on top of their health, and they should encourage one another to do the same thing. Guys are always talking about "masculine" this and "masculine" that; you want to know something that makes a man? Having respect for his fellow human being, and that can be something as simple as changing the language you use when interacting with gay dating sites/apps, keeping yourself educated by reading up on studies, as well as taking a more humanitarian approach and taking the time to get to know someone living with HIV/AIDS; chances are, if you do not know someone who is living with HIV/AIDS, it is possible that you have talked to someone living with the disease, and then suddenly stop talking to you, because they thought that once they confided in you their status, you would shun them(that has happened to me more times than I could count), or even have slept with someone who was positive, or undetectable, and decided that not telling you would be far preferable than being treated as a second class citizen, or a piece of detritus- because they think that they have to lie about who and what they are, just so they can feel "normal" .

There are so many gay men feigning empathy and sympathy when reading a story, or watching a segment about someone living with the virus, but become so antagonistic at a drop of a hat; "they had it coming", "they got what they deserve", "that could never happen to me"; I have heard it all, and when I got my diagnosis I didn't think I was going to make it- for a split second, as I walked away from the building, post diagnosis, I seriously considered pitching myself over the overpass and into heavy traffic. But here I am 3 years later,- learning how to live life mindfully, and truthfully-for those who were taken too soon, and could not live a quality and quantity of life I am able to- and I am telling you this, in the spirit of Frida Kahlo-- that at the end of the day, you will come to discover that you can endure far more than you thought humanly possible.
 
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ohiorod

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As someone who has been working in the HIV field for a very long time, I always tell my clients that dating will not always be easy as a poz, but when you find the right guy, you will know you have a keeper by experiencing his openness and loving heart and acceptance. Being from a rural state, doesn’t make it deny easier for West Virginians.
 

Kodi

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Hi guys, I was wondering what everyone thinks about this? I've been positive since April 2017 and undetectable since June 2017. Which means I can't pass on and I'm a healthy guy. I always prefer having sex with condom of course. I did just one mistake in 2016 and now have to take one tablet everyday rest of my life.

At first it was so difficult to adjust. When I look at other people I used to think that they are the heathly normal people and now I am the sick one. However, I decided to take some professional support here in Brighton. They then explained to me that this is not like what it was in the 80s. As long as I am undetectable I literally cannot infect anybody even without condom (but again, i would not take a risk again and always using condom now). I started to look after my health and go to gym 5 days a week. I feel much more healthier than before tbh.

For me the most difficult thing is that the stigma :( people doesn't want to say but as soon as they hear that I am positive they just fade away from the conversation (both in dating apps or real life). I just lost my faith in relationships tbh.

I don't expect anyone here to come up and share their story but what are your thoughts about this? If you're negative, do you find it diffcult to date with someone positive? (even tho he is undetectable).

Cheers guys.

Hi. I have been HIV poz since 1986 in Sydney... more than 30 years. For most of the from 1986 until 2015 I was in a relationship with the same man who was also poz undectectable. I was monogomous (i take trust and respect seriously).He did as well to my knowledge. We separated in 2015. Since then I have thrown myself to the male humanity of Sydney for pure ANON sex. Mostly unprotected, i am bttm/vers. But... i found that there remains pockets of fear and loathing toward undecetable men from other gay young men. Its surprised me the level of hostility and just plain pity i get. It makes me sad. I thought we left the attitude back in history. Its not easy to negotiate sexual encounters when the attitude is that of despraration on my part. I have had said to my face a few times now. I am not desparate, just friendly and sociable. Not looking for a new partner now, just have adopted a preference for mature men who are generally more understanding and/or poz themselves. I will say the sometimes dismissive and hostile attitude is hard to take from men. But for the record, i have never passed a day when I dont think of my mates no longer with me from 30 years ago. Their memory is what the hard knocks of the present more bearable. Thx for reading