Yes, thank you
@EquusAZ. As we are in a serodiscordant relationship, my health is always on my mind, and even more so when it comes to the health of my partner. Just going to sound off some thoughts, so here we go...
First things first, I have
@EquusAZ in my life; I am extremely fortunate to have found him a second time( we met once, 17 years ago, when we were young). He is the one who has been by my side since the first day he came into my life.
There is a HUGE stigma surrounding those living with HIV/AIDS. I assure you, I did not go out looking to become infected. I did go out looking for acceptance, honesty,intimacy, physicality- basic components of a healthy sexual encounter; Some of the primary reasons for stigma are just manifestations of conversations that are not being held in public, and in private. I can say, that, as a gay man of color, I have been subjected to both overt, and subversive discriminatory interactions BASED SOLELY ON MY SKIN TONE. There exists many layers of angst, anger, and hostility, directed at the LGBT+ community at large, and just as much animosity directed towards those who exist within a smaller microcosm of the nebula that is the LGBT+ community. We need to be honest with ourselves if we are going to heal ourselves.
Yes, contracting HIV is, forgive me for the use of the word, unimaginable- until we are the one who is diagnosed. Gay men are no strangers to harboring virulent levels of internalized homophobia, among other things; one such is having such a violent reaction towards those who are positive, or undetectable. The linguistic cue of "clean" has a connotation that is very damaging to the psyche and well-being of the person who has to contend with the reality of the virus; I am not "dirty", and you do a disservice to all those who came before you, those whom are your contemporaries, and those who have yet to have their lives changed forevermore by a single encounter.
I am 100% sure I contracted the virus by having unprotected sex; I am not an intravenous drug user. I am also 100% sure that the individual who infected me was of one of two mindsets: he either 1) was aware of his status, and chose to not disclose it to me, for fear of rejection; or 2) was not aware of his status, and chose to communicate his status was negative. I take full responsibility of my actions that led me up to that fateful encounter, because I know in my heart of hearts, I was tired of being perceived as "less desirable" because of "my skin color/race"(we are one race, homo sapiens sapiens-so enough with the "what race are you?" question; ethnicity is a more accurate term, one that is surely to not be perceived as naively quaint, or innocuously offensive and lacking in charm or subtlety). I have a right, as does every single person on this planet, to be able to give and receive the love and energy and emotion that we as humans so desperately crave and benefit from.
To that end, engaging in sexual activities that may be deemed as "unsafe"(bareback and/or chem-sex are the two that come to mind immediately) are a part of everyday life, especially when humans are notorious for doing anything and/or everything they can to get what they want; it does not excuse the encounters that may be seen as "self-harming", or sociopathic, but pretending that it doesn't exist makes the problem worse; For example, I love bareback sex- that's me. I also know that while I am undetectable, I could still contract any one of a plethora of STI's that my ART doesn't guarantee me protection from. If I were to engage in unprotected sex, I should be fully mindful that, at the very least, I could catch a case of crabs, and at the very worst, Hepatitis-C, or HIV. When guys want to go bareback, they should totally be aware that they need to be able to have an open, and honest communication with their potential partners, without fear of judgement or shame. Men need to be on top of their health, and they should encourage one another to do the same thing. Guys are always talking about "masculine" this and "masculine" that; you want to know something that makes a man? Having respect for his fellow human being, and that can be something as simple as changing the language you use when interacting with gay dating sites/apps, keeping yourself educated by reading up on studies, as well as taking a more humanitarian approach and taking the time to get to know someone living with HIV/AIDS; chances are, if you do not know someone who is living with HIV/AIDS, it is possible that you have talked to someone living with the disease, and then suddenly stop talking to you, because they thought that once they confided in you their status, you would shun them(that has happened to me more times than I could count), or even have slept with someone who was positive, or undetectable, and decided that not telling you would be far preferable than being treated as a second class citizen, or a piece of detritus- because they think that they have to lie about who and what they are, just so they can feel "normal" .
There are so many gay men feigning empathy and sympathy when reading a story, or watching a segment about someone living with the virus, but become so antagonistic at a drop of a hat; "they had it coming", "they got what they deserve", "that could never happen to me"; I have heard it all, and when I got my diagnosis I didn't think I was going to make it- for a split second, as I walked away from the building, post diagnosis, I seriously considered pitching myself over the overpass and into heavy traffic. But here I am 3 years later,- learning how to live life mindfully, and truthfully-for those who were taken too soon, and could not live a quality and quantity of life I am able to- and I am telling you this, in the spirit of Frida Kahlo-- that at the end of the day, you will come to discover that you can endure far more than you thought humanly possible.