Dating With Depression ... Help Please

Kingjake

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Hello guys .. this is my first post on this website ... i wanted to share my problem and check if someone is able to help me out .. first af all i struggle with depression and anxiety .. i've been taking meds for 5 years now .. and the triggers are watching scary movies and dating guys .. the first time i dated a guy it triggered my depression and i entered into a black hole .. i lost my ability to eat or sleep for a couple months and i ended up with the guy right away 5 years from that .. i tried dating a guy last week .. we went out for a drink and i told him before that i only wanted friends nothing serious .. everything went great but once i got back home i started having symtompts again that lasted the whole week .. im at a point that i dont know what to do .. push the relation with this guy and try to resolve these inner problems or stop trying once for all ... i've read online that you dont have to turn back or anxiety will worsen .. i know deep down that im gay but i cant enter any relationship. I went only to a psychiatist and i tried booking a therapist but theres no place for me for the next 3 months
 

Exbiker

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It does sound like you do need professional help, but I will make an attempt.

There are various elements of cognitive behavioural therapy, and also things like transactional analysis or NLP that might help. Even hypno therapy … it doesn’t necessarily have to be ONLY medical psychiatric intervention.

You need to identify your real issues / concerns / triggers.

Is it about you BEING gay? Is it about you not feeling comfortable enough with the “gay world”? Lack of experience / confidence? Each of these would need different approaches. Different kinds of investigation, or therapy. So, some quiet reflection might help. Or open discussions, in a safe way, with people who know enough about it.

Also, there are different types of relationship, and different ways of dealing with it. A lot of people make it too complex, and/or take it too fast. But it shouldn’t really be a fundamental barrier for most people :-

A few tips …

- communicate
- listen, not just talk
- take it easy, don’t rush
- try to build trust, and maintain it
- try to do things together … ideally shared interests, or do some things for one of you, and some for the other. Give and take.
- don’t think it all has to be perfect all day every day … but also, don’t let it go too bad. Try not to go to bed with an argument still running …
- make sure, early on, you have sufficiently compatible approaches on things like politics, religion, money management ..
- just go with the flow. Share enjoyment, arts and recreation, not just sex.
- put SOME energy in … relationships don’t just happen. BUT be prepared to make changes, together, if need be.

… that’s just a few quick ideas.

I think you might just need some confidence. You might think everyone else is good at this stuff, cool, knowledgable,skilled etc … but that is largely illusion. Almost all of us find sex and relationships at least a little difficult, a lot of the time …
 

Kingjake

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Thanks a lot Exbiker. It did really help me a little bit just sharing these issues .. i've been hiding them a long time .. just to avoid triggers but i think i have to get professional help cuz it getting out of my hand ... i think i will.stop talking to that guy again as always ... untill i get some help on how to deal with these emotions ... god realy made us with realy fucked up emotions
 
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winesthel945

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As one advice columnist likes to day: to be in relationship you need to be in good working order. If you are feeling like you don't have everything under control personally, then it's probably not wise to introduce another person's emotions and issues into this dynamic. You have to be in good working order.

Many people have anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges. While you might be under treatment for those things, and that treatment may even be very effective, medicines will not help you learn to overcome the behavioral aspects that may have become ingrained in you over your years of dealing with those issues. This is where counseling from a licensed therapist can help. I would strongly urge you to pursue cognitive behavioral therapy ("CBT") to help you learn new, healthier habits and relationship practices so that you can learn to avoid the triggers for anxiety and depression. Medicine can set up the environment for learning healthier patterns, but you still have to learn them... and CBT is how you'll do that.

Focus on yourself first... then you'll be really ready for a relationship when the time is right.

Good luck!
 
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