Dead Beat Dad

[Chocolatestix]

This has been bothering me of late, I've spoke with others about it I wanted to see if you all have anything different to say. I'm 20 years old, almost 21, and my father has not been in my life at all, not even attempted to be apart of my life. I thought attend a prestigious college would cause him to make an appearance, but he hasn't. This is a great time too, he could ask if he can buy my books, send me money, take care of my traveling expenses, whatever, because at this point in my life I'm not going to turn it down. This is a somewhat long story so if you don't want to read it all I suggest you move on.Or just scroll down to the bottom and read what I'm asking advice for. I go to my Grandmother's house on my father's side the day before New Year's Eve. She was giving me money for Christmas. We pull up to her house, she lives in a duplex, she lives on the top and her mother, my great grandmother lives on the bottom, and we see a car that we think it my Dad's. Now this is just speculation. It had an Indiana license plate, and the last I've hear from my Grandmother was that he moved to Indiana. There was also so superman emblem on the car. Once again all speculation that it is his car and he is there. I call my Grandmother to let her know that we are here so she can open the door for us. She does not pick up. I call again and then she picks up and says she is on her way down. My mother, a female friend that was visiting me from school and my sister all went up stairs to chat. My had already said that we weren't staying long. Mom was already suspicious and was hoping, as was I, that he was there. So we get up there and there is no sign of him, and my Grandmother doesn't mention him either. Then my mom seen a hat on a table and was like this has to be his hat. Though he has not been in my life I have interacted with him a few time so I know what he looks like and that hat did look like something he would wear. In the middle of our conversation the door to upstairs just opens, we were all expecting it to be my father but there was no one behind the door, so we asked my Grandmother what that was about. And she told us that because she had a cord that went outside her door to plug up her Christmas tree the door didn't close all the way so when the door opened from downstairs the force from the wind opened her door upstairs as well. We just said Oh and left it alone. Then when we got ready to leave about a half an hour later the car that was there was gone. Our conclusion is that when we got there he ran downstairs to the first floor and then snuck out while we were upstairs and when the door upstairs magically opened it was not because someone was going in but because someone was going out and it certainly wasn't great grandma, who happens to be close to 90. I took this to mean that my father was not hiding from me (if that really was him) but from my mother but it bothers me that a grown man would one hide from a women but also hiding at the expense of not seeing his son that he has not seen since I was about 13. And what's even more weird is that my Grandmother obviously helped hide him which means that she endorses his absences from my life. I even try and ask her for his phone number but she always gives me some BS about how she doesn't know his number because it changes with the wind. Now this man that hides from his son when when he doesn't need him suggest that if we did build a relationship he might just run out on me again. But I have to know my father. It's too late for him to do anything meaningful, 20 years too late, but I don't know what type of health problems he has that I might face, my children won't have a grandfather (my mom has not married yet), and I just want to hear from him why he left. All my life I've heard my mom dog him out and not being in my life is justification for me to believe her but I can't make that decision with just one side of the story. In short I just want you all to tell me what you all think, most people say F him but if he only knew that if he attempt to come back in my life I would give him a chance, but the more I think about it the more I think that's stupid. It has been hard to discuss this with my mom because she just seems to think that I've gone this far without him so I don't need him, but that's not the point. Any suggestions on what I should do and what you all think about him hiding from my mother but ultimately me?

Sorry to keep rambling but I also wanted to hear from guys who have left their children and their reasons for doing so. I can't seem to find a reason. maybe that would help me understand or give me some idea. Thanks for your time!

 

[Ineligible]

Hi Chocolatestix, that's a sad story. Unfortunately we can't do much to change other people. You're not in any position to know why he might hide from your mother, and sometimes these questions are best left. It's possible that by now he may just feel too guilty to face you - like when you have an assignment to do and it's late and you haven't started it, and the later it is the harder it is to face doing it.

To your grandmother, he is her son, so try not to blame her too much for protecting him, even at the expense of her grandson.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

Your grandmother macheted him to death, check under the patio.

Seriously you've managed without him in your life up to now and he's never bothered to be anything like a father, why would you want him in your life?

 

[snoozan]

i think you need to accept that your biological father isn't much of a parent and just move on without him. he's made clear over your life what kind of a parent he is. it sucks, but you've got to face this straight on. you probably need some therapy to make sure the pain he's caused you doesn't negatively affect your adult relationships.

 

[TheRob]

I am not a father and I have known mine my entire life luckily
allI can think of is maybe once he started down the road of not being in your life he didn't know how to come back out of shame

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

I think there's a lot in that Rob, I can see how some father's might think 'I have time to make it up to him', then a few years down the line they re-think that and think 'it's too late now', of course some father's never gave a toss in the first place.

 

[Chocolatestix]

I just feel like I missed out on stuff because I didn't have a Father. Yes it's too late to recreate those things that I think that I missed out on but I would still like to have some sort of relationship with him. And I don't think women understand that because to those who are single mothers it like saying indirectly that they didn't do a good job raising their child. My mom did a good job raising but there are some things that would have made life easier if I had a father figure in my life.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

I wasn't a single mother and I can understand you wanting to have your father in your life, but very often when a father has been like yours has in the past having him in your life will only cause you more pain. He wasn't a good dad when you were a cute little kid, now you're a man he's no more likely to be a good dad.

 

[curious n str8]

I feel bad for how you feel CS...yes you have missed out on things good and bad, with your Dad. I guess it's time for some old fashioned detective work if you want to see him.You already know what state he's living in thats a start.There are many ways to find out about him. Good luck and I hope things work out the best for you.

 

[salinger]

My dad has never been in my life and at this point, I don't want him. He had his chance and now, what would be the point. I don't want someone that would not be around their kid as a friend, much less a father. You're better off. To expect anything from a douchebag like that would only lead to disappointment.

 

[bimmli]

Chocolatestix, First of all, I felt badly for you while reading your message. You seem like a well put together young man. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him want to see you. For whatever reason, he is unable to. He is human and thus imperfect. When it comes down to it, we are all children.

I had my father in my life while growing up and though he was a good man, he was imperfect. What I've done with my children is to try to be a better father than he. Perhaps what you can do is to be a better father to your children and tell them how your life was like without one. What better lesson is there than to teach your children the importance of being a man and father.

 

[biguy2738]

Chocolatestix, your story touched my very deeply because to a great extent your story and most especially your feelings echoes that of my own. I was born without a father even though he initially used to visit for a week or two every year (my parents had separated) because he rejected me twice in my life.

In my case, my not having a father left me with a sense of being emasculated...almost like having my penis removed, because there wasn't a man to teach me stuff, to bond with or just to be with...in the sense of taking me fishing for example because he placed enough value on my head that he would one to invest the single most commodity that life has to offer...time. To get me to help him out under the hood of the car, or to fix things etc. So there's kind of a sense of not really knowing how to be a man, because there's never been a man to show me. It's difficult to express the longing but I "get it" because I've experienced it as well. There are things that only a father can pass down to a son. Period.

Throughout my life, I've had people try to pressure me into seeking out a relationship with him and I refused blatantly. He passed away last year of cancer - I wasn't aware that he had it. Disappointed as I am that we never had a chance to develop some kind of relationship, I do not regret my decision in any way. My refusal was always based on my having been rejected by him hence, I refused to force myself into his life. If he wanted me in his life, he didn't have to apologise or even acknowledge what he had done, he simply had to make it evident that he wanted me, nothing more. Offering him anything other than to have the opportunity to make a decision for himself was the best thing that I could have done for either of us. On my side, I would have opened myself up to rejection once again...or even worse, having to bear his emotional baggage. On his side, he may have been confronted with a relationship that he didn't want.

When a father chooses to be absent from his child(ren)s life, there's the longing for having a father in one's life however there's also the risk of one bearing the "sins" of the father ie emotional baggage etc. The best that we can do is to decide with of the two is the lesser evil that we're willing to embrace.

I'm terribly sorry to hear that your Christmas was tainted in such a heartbreaking manner...however, it also bears the invitation for you to be a strong, dynamic caring man with or without your father's presence.
All of the best.

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

Well, whatever his reason for leaving you, you can be guaranteed that it was completely selfish and has nothing to do with you.

 

[Osiris]

i think you need to accept that your biological father isn't much of a parent and just move on without him. he's made clear over your life what kind of a parent he is. it sucks, but you've got to face this straight on. you probably need some therapy to make sure the pain he's caused you doesn't negatively affect your adult relationships.

Calling him "father" is too good, you have a sperm donor here. I agree with Snoozan, seek some therapy and don't derail the positive parts of your past. Try not to listen to the dogging your mother does. My wife did that same thing to my older stepsons and they are having all sorts of issues behind relationships (with their own father and with the opposite sex). Mother's need to be careful not to inflict their pain and hurt onto the children, it often pushes them to find and "avenge" them. Think Ms. Haversham and Stella from Great Expectations. Cherish the family bonds you do have and you will be even more successful.

Your grandmother macheted him to death, check under the patio.

Seriously you've managed without him in your life up to now and he's never bothered to be anything like a father, why would you want him in your life?

Again. a simple and true belief on the surface, but if his mother has made a point of dogging him out in front of him his entire life, curiosity takes over. You want to see if this person is really as bad as they say. It creates a lot of questions, doubt of self worth because you think you may be like this person, the list of whys, what ifs, and am I like could go on for days. It's sort of akin to the "forbidden fruit" theory.

We all want what we can't have. It is made worse by that something being a parent yo don't know, but are exposed to third party.

I just feel like I missed out on stuff because I didn't have a Father. Yes it's too late to recreate those things that I think that I missed out on but I would still like to have some sort of relationship with him. And I don't think women understand that because to those who are single mothers it like saying indirectly that they didn't do a good job raising their child. My mom did a good job raising but there are some things that would have made life easier if I had a father figure in my life.

I had my dad after the divorce, but really did not. My folks divorced when I was 3 and even though my dad was around, we were often second and third class with him. We never had dad and me time. We had to compete with his Little Brothers (My dad was a Big Brothers volunteer), who often got treated better than we did, right in fornt of our faces even. When it wasn't the Little Brothers, it was the plethora of "girlfriends" he had.

Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad, I just didn't like him much. Hindsight, I would much rather had your life of not knowing than having to endure the pain of knowing you were never a top priority in his life. The final blow was when I was taking care of him before he died and finding out post mortem that he declared my brother and I his "estranged sons". Yeah, I guess coming over daily, making him meals, playing games, talking and caring for him is estranged. Rest in peace "dad".

Well, whatever his reason for leaving you, you can be guaranteed that it was completely selfish and has nothing to do with you.

Usually so, but perhaps there is something deeper. The fact the grandmother supports this may speak to a bigger issue.


You mentioned worries about health and the like. That isn't an issue as I am sure you could get all that from yor grandmother. Your true wish is to have some closure of a sort. My advice would be to talk to your grnadmother alone without your mother's presence or knowledge. Do it face to face and ask the questions. You may be surprised that what you think is avoiding you may be avoiding your mother. If she hates him as much as you say, can you imagine him wanting to stay for a potential fight? I can't.

Chocolatestix, whatever your decisions and path, may you always remain loving, warm, and strong. You are in my heart and thoughts.

 

[DC_DEEP]

I just feel like I missed out on stuff because I didn't have a Father. Yes it's too late to recreate those things that I think that I missed out on but I would still like to have some sort of relationship with him.

I really don't want this to sound harsh, but just something to think about:

Yes, you missed out on stuff, but would you feel any differently if he were not in your life for any other reason? If he had died in combat overseas, or if your mother had chosen artificial insemination and never met the donor?

Sure, it would be ideal if every child had a wonderful mother, father, siblings, aunts & uncles, and grandparents. Each one plays a specific and important role in a person's development, but not everyone has all of those.

The point is, your mother obviously worked hard and did a good job. You turned out ok. It would have been easier if you had two parents there, but perhaps in your situation, one parent WAS better than two.

It's ok to recognize, then grieve, that missing part of your life. It's not ok to obsess over it.

Good luck to you.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

a simple and true belief on the surface, but if his mother has made a point of dogging him out in front of him his entire life, curiosity takes over. You want to see if this person is really as bad as they say.

I can understand and sympathise with this Osiris, I think we'd all feel the same if our father hadn't been there but I just feel if his deadbeat father wasn't any good when he was a kid he'd just cause him more pain. I gave the advice not to bother with his father, but in all honesty if it was me I'd want to meet him, to ask him why he hadn't been there. Then again there are some guys who meet their fathers and find as adults that they get on with them, an adult man isn't the same responsibility as a child is. On reflection I'm changing my mind and saying seek him out but be careful and don't let yourself get involved with him until you're sure he's going to stay a part of your life.

 

[Chocolatestix]

There are just a few things that I want to clear up:

1) My mom doesn't always say negative things sometime she just lets the proof speak for its self. Like telling me that she only got $5.50 in Child Support when she use to get. And I would be like wow!

2) I not trying to recreate the life that I never had. It would just be nice to know that my father was around. I would not expect too much from him and that cool because I'm pretty much grown now and I'm not a child anymore. And I would hope that he doesn't expect too much from me, but I would have to make explicitly known.

3) I a grateful for all the advice you all have provided and if there are any new developments I will let you all know