Dealbreaker?: The Sexless Guy

[Principessa]

Dealbreaker?: The Sexless Guy

What about guys who just aren’t into sex? Yes, they exist. Anyone who tells you otherwise—that all men are 24/7 sex fiends—is either lying or has just been lucky enough not to meet the kind of guy I’m talking about: the sexless guy. I’ve dated several guys who, from what I can tell, have a take it or leave it attitude toward sex, with an emphasis on leaving it. Why, you may ask, did I, someone who writes about sex almost every day, wind up with them? I don’t really know, but I did. And the worst part about it is not the physical withdrawal; I’m not the kind of girl who needs to do it every day (though that would be nice).

The worst part is the feeling of rejection that cuts really, really close to home. When I experience that, it’s like taking all the fears I have about my attractiveness and boiling them into one pointed barb: you’re not pretty/sexy/fun/cool/hot/exciting enough to f**k.

I've encountered this anomally of alleged masculinity and quickly dropped him like a hot potato. Another time I hung in there but in retrospect I am not sure it was worth it. :redface: :irked:

In the past when I have encountered this bizarre behavior I felt exactly like the woman who wrote the article.

"The worst part is the feeling of rejection that cuts really, really close to home. When I experience that, it’s like taking all the fears I have about my attractiveness and boiling them into one pointed barb: you’re not pretty/sexy/fun/cool/hot/exciting enough to f**k."​

​

So ladies and gents have you encountered the sexless or asexual man? What did you do? How did you handle him and your feelings? Did the relationship last?

 

[Meniscus]

[/INDENT]So ladies and gents have you encountered the sexless or asexual man?

Sure. I am the sexless/asexual man. I've written in several other threads about my libido issues, which began nearly 3 years ago. Since my testosterone levels were "low/normal" my doctor recommended testosterone replacement therapy, which I've been on for about 6 weeks. For about 1.5 weeks it seemed to be working well, then it mysteriously stopped working.

The funny thing is, although I have very little desire for sex whatsoever, I'm still attracted to men, I still notice cute guys, and I still like to get attention from attractive men. Curiously, I find my interest in companionship stronger than ever. I just want to be with someone. I want someone to come home to, to go to bed with, to wake up with. I want someone to cuddle under the blanket with as we watch a rented movie and share a bowl of popcorn. I want someone to take vacations with, to go to the movies with, to go hiking with.

But the most beautiful man in the world could come into my life and put on the sexiest show imaginable, and I'd be indifferent. If I were in a relationship, I suppose I could put out once in a while for the sake of my partner, but I doubt I could do it very often. You have to understand that although I can get erections, it's just a response to physical stimulation--I'm not really aroused, excited, or interested. For me, the sex would be entirely lacking in passion; it's just an uninteresting, unsatisfying mechanical act. I doubt I could fake it well enough to satisfy my partner, physically or emotionally. That wouldn't mean that I didn't adore him.

Think of it this way: If you dated a guy who had no sense of taste or smell, would it make sense for you to take it personally when he didn't get excited about your cooking?

With regards to the link that you posted, I agree with two of the sexless guys who replied: theoldman and Orion67. Orion writes about the effect of depression and anti-depressants on libido. Theoldman writes:

Sex is part of a guy’s ego. If something trashes his ego (job, bad grades, medications,family issues, things wholy unrelated to you) every one around him pays the price. And it doesn’t just have to be his ego...men internalise issues stressing them. There is cultural pressure to not show the stress which compounds the issue. Then add the reluctance of men to get help (cultural stigma) and we just pile it higher and deeper.​

Unfortunately, even if you understand why a guy is sexless, that doesn't solve the problem of your lack of sexual satisfaction. I have no answers for you there.

 

[sam_solo26]

This "guy" the author describes sounds a lot like the person I'd be (at least in respect to the feeling of indifference toward sex I have had many times). Here's my beef with the article/blog/verbal diarrhea toilet: she talked way more about herself and her own opinions of the "sexless" guy than the actual sexless guy. She sounds really self-involved, and immature. Here's a guy probably going through a difficult time in his life (or dealing with physical/mental trauma) and she's concerned that she's not sexy enough. I can appreciate the use of a blog like this to help vent pent up steam and gain perspective, but that also means you'd better be able to take criticism. So seriously, grow up Rachel Kramer Bussel.

 

[Principessa]

Thanks for your post Meniscus. This has been on my mind a lot lately for another reason. Which I think I will blog about.

 

[Principessa]

This "guy" the author describes sounds a lot like the person I'd be (at least in respect to the feeling of indifference toward sex I have had many times). Here's my beef with the article/blog/verbal diarrhea toilet: she talked way more about herself and her own opinions of the "sexless" guy than the actual sexless guy. She sounds really self-involved, and immature. Here's a guy probably going through a difficult time in his life (or dealing with physical/mental trauma) and she's concerned that she's not sexy enough. I can appreciate the use of a blog like this to help vent pent up steam and gain perspective, but that also means you'd better be able to take criticism. So seriously, grow up Rachel Kramer Bussel.

Sorry, but I gotta disagree and I will tell you why. The Frisky is aimed at women. Perhaps I shouldn't have posted this under relationships but I thought perhaps gay or bi men had experienced this as well. I expected to hear from the people men and women who had been victims of these men. Yes, I said victim! To be in a relationship with a man like that is horrible. Because even when we repeatedly ask how we can help or what is wrong they NEVER tell us. You have no choice but to doubt yourself, your sexiness, intelligence, desirability, etc.

I have no doubt many relationships and marriages have dissolved not because the man couldn't have sex; but because the man refused to discuss the problem with his lover and seek outside help from a doctor or therapist. The guy who can't have sex isn't the victim here. The victim is the woman or man he hurts by not showing any physical expression of love.

 

[sam_solo26]

I have a problem with your claim to victim-hood though. Can you explain to me how the other person has NO OTHER CHOICE but to doubt him/herself? How do you justify such a claim? You say that the non-sexual person forces their problem onto the other person by making them feel poorly about themselves.

Do you realize how little respect someone has to have for themselves, how little confidence they must have, to feel this way? If you're not happy, assess your obligations to this other person and consider the possibility of GETTING OUT after doing your best to help him or her. Maybe losing you will be the trigger that gets them to start helping themselves. Of course, all of this is variable from person to person. But the key here is to realize that there is only a victim where the ability to resist, to make a choice, does not exist. YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

So it would seem to me that each party is both a victim, victimizes, and ultimately responsible for their status as such.

 

[MickeyLee]

Sorry, but I gotta disagree and I will tell you why. The Frisky is aimed at women. Perhaps I shouldn't have posted this under relationships but I thought perhaps gay or bi men had experienced this as well. I expected to hear from the people men and women who had been victims of these men. Yes, I said victim! To be in a relationship with a man like that is horrible. Because even when we repeatedly ask how we can help or what is wrong they NEVER tell us. You have no choice but to doubt yourself, your sexiness, intelligence, desirability, etc.

I have no doubt many relationships and marriages have dissolved not because the man couldn't have sex; but because the man refused to discuss the problem with his lover and seek outside help from a doctor or therapist. The guy who can't have sex isn't the victim here. The victim is the woman or man he hurts by not showing any physical expression of love.

this is the most offensive, self centered, emotionally blind, inexcusable, vile, selfish, spiteful, biased, sexist, malicious, double standard piece of shit thing i have ever seen posted here.

honestly. check your meds. talk to you doctor. i weep for the men in you life.

ml

 

[Principessa]

The content of this blog is what resonated with me when I read the article in the original post.

I do find it interesting that only the bisexuals and none of the straights or gays have responded yet. And they have responded in the most belligerent, and scornful way possible. :wtf1:

MickeyLee you need to back off and take a chill! :angryfire2: I have read many of your posts and blogs and you don't exactly sound sane most days.

 

[MickeyLee]

"we're all mad here" :biggrin1:

 

[sam_solo26]

The content of this blog is what resonated with me when I read the article in the original post.

I do find it interesting that only the bisexuals and none of the straights or gays have responded yet. And they have responded in the most belligerent, and scornful way possible. :wtf1:

MickeyLee you need to back off and take a chill! :angryfire2: I have read many of your posts and blogs and you don't exactly sound sane most days.

While I respect your reaction to the linked blog, you get 0 respect points for characterizing my responses as "the most belligerent, and scornful possible". I've posted with reason, rationale, and general sensitivity (okay, I apologize for the verbal diarrhea comment, but that's what I felt it was at the time). I always welcome others to offer criticism and perspective. That's how people grow. Name-calling gets us nowhere very special.

 

[BirdinMo]

njqt466, I have feel I am the sex-less person you speak of. I have had boyfriends but do not feel like sex is important. No clue why, yes I love the person and want to be with them but sex is just not part of it for me. I will do oral sex but feel that anything more is just pointless. I am having a hard time trying to say how I feel, maybe after some sleep I will be able to do it better? I'll try that. But I hope you kinda get what I am saying.

 

[D_Portelay Porquesword]

this is the most offensive, self centered, emotionally blind, inexcusable, vile, selfish, spiteful, biased, sexist, malicious, double standard piece of shit thing i have ever seen posted here.

honestly. check your meds. talk to you doctor. i weep for the men in you life.

ml

Honestly, I don't know so much about vile, biased, malicious et all the words you used in order to describe NJ's opinion/view Mickey Lee.

Not to break NJ's confidence, but she usually posts about issues that she is either curious about, dealing with etc. She is very honest about how she feels, to a fault at times.

Frustrations often do the talking for us. It may come off as being malicious and I do not feel that is where NJ is coming from.

I'd have to say, low testosterone is a serious issue for some men. I know if my partner/boyfriend leaned in towards the sexless issue. There would be more than hot grease flying out of my skillet!

I tend to be some what aggressive in my relationships and a man like that would be grabbed up by the collar and hauled off to the doctor. For the sole purpose of finding out something definite in understanding the reasons for this issue and so that we could improve the quality of our sex life.

 

[Principessa]

While I respect your reaction to the linked blog, you get 0 respect points for characterizing my responses as "the most belligerent, and scornful possible". I've posted with reason, rationale, and general sensitivity (okay, I apologize for the verbal diarrhea comment, but that's what I felt it was at the time). I always welcome others to offer criticism and perspective. That's how people grow. Name-calling gets us nowhere very special.

My apologies I should not have lumped you in with the venom spewed by MickeyLee as she is the only one thus far who has chosen to make a personal attack on me. You did disagree, as is your right.

Had she been able to respond in the mature way in which you did I probably wouldn't have said anything.

 

[Principessa]

njqt466, I have feel I am the sex-less person you speak of. I have had boyfriends but do not feel like sex is important. No clue why, yes I love the person and want to be with them but sex is just not part of it for me. I will do oral sex but feel that anything more is just pointless. I am having a hard time trying to say how I feel, maybe after some sleep I will be able to do it better? I'll try that. But I hope you kinda get what I am saying.

Forget what former President Clinton said, ORAL SEX, IS SEX! If my friend whom I mentioned as being the reason for this thread had at least gotten that I'm sure she wouldn't have a boyfriend now.

As for you, I am friends with a few gay men IRL who want nothing to do with anal sex; but are all about the oral. I was led to believe that was normal. In a relationship, any relayionship, it is important for each person to give and recieve in and out of bed. If you can't do that then, I think that may be an issue for which you as a couple may want to seek help. Then again I may be totally off base.:redface:

 

[D_Portelay Porquesword]

My apologies I should not have lumped you in with the venom spewed by MickeyLee as she is the only one thus far who has chosen to make a personal attack on me. You did disagree, as is your right.

Had she been able to respond in the mature way in which you did I probably wouldn't have said anything.

That's part of life here on LPSG NJ, if someone doesn't spew there would no quality entertainment. :swordfight:

Please enjoy the music while I spew!

 

[sam_solo26]

Thanks NJ for apologizing, no biggie.

That's part of life here on LPSG NJ, if someone doesn't spew there would no quality entertainment. :swordfight:

Please enjoy the music while I spew!

Was I supposed to interpret that as a sexual metaphor? Eh....PENIS. :biggrin1:

 

[D_Portelay Porquesword]

Thanks NJ for apologizing, no biggie.



Was I supposed to interpret that as a sexual metaphor? Eh....PENIS. :biggrin1:

YOU are going to make me spew for real.

:biggrin1:

 

[Penis Aficionado]

NJ, I can certainly understand that you would be extremely frustrated in such a relationship. But I have to say that your reaction to it -- that the man's lack of sexual desire makes you personally feel unattractive, undesirable, unworthy, etc., etc. is silly. There is absolutely no reason for you to internalize an asexual person's issues. There are many reasons -- physical, emotional, spiritual, existential -- why a guy may not feel like having sex. It's not that he doesn't want to have sex with *you.* He doesn't want to have sex with *anyone.*

You're certainly not alone in your opinion though -- pretty much every time in my life I've not felt like having sex with a girl who wanted to have sex with me, it turned into this huge emotional meltdown about her attractiveness. That is so annoying.

 

[flame boy]

Thanks for sharing that link NJ, it was an interesting read. I must admit however that from my personal point of view the writer did come across as quite self centered - obviously as this is a womans blog then her POV is the one she is going to write about, but any decent writer should be able to weigh up the arguments for an against.

My personal feeling about the issue of a sexless guy is somewhere in the middle ground. If I was in a relationship with a dude who had no interest in sex I will be honest and say that yes, it would hurt my feelings and possibly make me feel unwanted but that wouldn't be the end of it. I would feel these things but I wouldn't make the issue about me, this is something with my man and by making it about me would surely only add to the issue? I would want to talk about it honestly and openly to try and find out a cause and/or (possible) solution.

From the other side of the argument, if I was indeed the sexless guy I would hate for my partner to keep going on about it! If I had a lacking libido the last thing I would want is for my other half to start waa-waaing about how my "problem" makes them feel. I can understand that not wanting to have sex is indeed an issue but if I was feeling such a way I wouldn't want to be criticised for it, I would want to be helped out. As with any problem in a relationship, it will take work, patience and understaning to try and work around the solution.

Ultimately I think that with any issue which involves sex, there should be a great deal of tact used and both parties should think about how this will effect the other person. Sex can make things very complicated if people are guarded and hidden about their true feelings - but if you can't open up (for want of a better word!) to the person you're in a relationship with then who are you going to talk about it with?

 

[flame boy]

Please enjoy the music while I spew!

Pssst - darling, you got a little bit of spew around your mouth....:tongue: