Dealin w/ parents that are severely anti-sex

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by fak_et, Jul 23, 2008.

  1. fak_et

    fak_et New Member

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    Growing up my mom was always making an excessive effort to show that "sex before marriage is unacceptable" and "that girl's not good enough for you"

    I just felt it wasnt worth dealing with her constantly on my tail so i didn't go out of my way to chase tail.

    Going away to college, I learned to think a little outside the box and realized there was no way i was going to live a happy, healthy life thinking like that. I really don't care too much what people think anymore because

    Well I had my fair share of stuff since then but im home for the summer now and my mom was still giving me this attitude.

    Eventually she heard about one of my hookups somehow. Its been like 5 days now and she's still acting funny about it and keeps bringing up a lack of trust, etc. I can't believe it.

    Ive just been along the lines of not admitting it or denying it but I keep telling her it's none of her business if I did.

    I don't know, what do you guys do to deal? I really don't need any specific advice because my mentality has changed, but feel free to discuss. Anyone else have similar problems.
     
  2. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I would honestly just snap at her. Tell her the way you live your life is your decision and that you have to live with your choices, not her. Tell her you are unable to keep her ideals and that things are much different now then they were when she was growing up.
     
  3. Principessa

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    Since sex was not discussed in positive terms in your home growing up, I'm not sure there is a good way to have this discussion. :redface:

    The next time she makes a snarky comment regarding you having pre-marital sex you could say. "Hey mom get off the cross, :crucified: we need the wood for something else."
     
  4. Rommette

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    well, my grandmother (whom I live with) would never tell me to not have sex before marriage (my mother was 5 months old when my grandparents got married at 18). She said when she was younger (and she went to catholic school) the nuns would tell her sex was bad. She said she'd never tell me sex was bad and she seemed somewhat excited when I told her I wasn't a virgin. Anyway, when I was 17 and was secretly on birth control and they clinic made a mistake and sent a reminder letter she called down to the clinic asking them questions. They told her they could not reveal information and she questioned me down. I told her I was on birth control and she went off on how she felt betrayed that I did that behind her back and a bunch of other bull. I know I wouldn't want my 17 y.o. to be on birth control like I was but everyone wants their kids to be better than they are. I think the same can be said for your mother. She may have partied and been crazy or done some things shes regreted and thinks of herself as protecting you. I think my grandmother is the same but deep down inside she knows that she wouldn't have wanted me to have a baby at 18 like she did. I told my grandmother that I didn't do anything behind her back but instead I wanted to make a decision of this importance by myself and if I needed advice I would have came to her. Parents don't want their "baby" to grow up. To them it was just a few years ago that we were talking about the other sex having "cooties" and now you're at the age you should explore and see whats out there. Most parents fail to realize that they can't be there at all times. My grandmother wont be there when i'm fucking or doing lots of other things. Family will always be there for you but sit down with her and have a heart to hert talk and just tell her 'yes I did have sex, but it was protected sex" and see what happens from there. Tell her that you are very selective in who you have sex with and tell her it wasn't a fling (even if it was) and that you got to know her on an intellectual level before you even contemplated sex. On a personal note, I think its stupid to get married before ever having sex. I wouldn't marry someone with a 2 inch dick and i'm sure you would like to know if she cries like a baby when in the middle of sex or if she scratches the hell out of your back before you marry her. If the sex isn't good you're stuck in a horrible marriage and that leads to something worse than what your parents think about which is adultry. What if she's like this guy I know who wife doesn't like sex and they haven't had sex in years. Can you live with that? You'd be stuck with her????
     
  5. SpeedoMike

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    that's a lot easier to do if you are paying for your school, car, etc. rather than your parents. to some extent, you have to listen to them if you are living in their house and they are supporting you. otherwise, if you can support yourself, move out and live your own life but expect consequences from ole Mom and Dad like not being welcome at home, written out of the will, etc... frankly, you might as well tell them you are gay cuz they may not be as upset. :eek:

    parents can really put a guilt trip on a kid, especially on matters of sex. the "you betrayed us/me" is among the best, especially if it involves religion.
     
  6. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    Very wise words about the financial situation. When you can pay your own way, you can fully speak your piece, and do as you please. Until then, tread lightly.
     
  7. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    My parents pay half of everything for me. I still tell them my piece of mind. It's the way I was brought up. So I have no problem saying what I think to them. I don't subscribe to a religion and could tell them I was gay at any point and time and rub it in their face. I guess it's different in my house.
     
  8. invisibleman

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    My mom was the same way. And when she would give me the silent treatments. And would make me feel like I was the CUNT OF THE YEAR...until I learned that being CUNTY was an asset.:biggrin1:

    My mom didn't like ear piercings on men and tattoos. My mom didn't like the gay men but she didn't know any better. She is a heterosexual woman who grew up during Segregation. What in the fuck would she know about fashion trends and homosexuality?

    Your mom failed to realize that you are a person that likes things apart from what she likes. You are a entity entitled to your wants and dislikes. And her problem lies in that her thresholds are not your thresholds.

    You are a growing soul evolving. And so is she. So, allow her to feel whatever she feels and she can be CUNTY and you can be EQUALLY as CUNTY. C'est la vie. That's life.
     
  9. slate_australis

    slate_australis New Member

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    I grew up with a very open attitude toward sex.... being the only male in the house made it uncomfortable.


    I remember my mother - who'd had a life before meeting my father at 29 - said "Sex is a strange thing. There will be times in your life when you have sex because you love someone, other times for the fun of doing it with someone.... other times, purely for the sake of doing it. As long as the other person isn't being tricked - they all serve a purpose"
     
  10. ikke_g

    ikke_g New Member

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    Well, I personally would tell her it isn't any of her business. She pays everything (school, clothes, food, ...) and I still tell her what I think. But she's pretty open minded so it's not really a problem if I have sex or not. That and she owes me a lot of money, so that helps a lot as well (usually it's the other way around :p). And she can't write me out of the will. Since there are more children in our family, 66% of everything she has goes to the children. I guess children are better protected in our country for the future than in america (reading stories about people getting written out of the will because being gay etc. I think we're pretty lucky here). Hopefully that'll change soon, so nobody has to be afraid of getting written out of the will etc.
     
  11. mista geechee

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    Well you really don't need to say anything, just realize that the penis in question is attached to YOUR body.
     
  12. Freddie53

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    There is a lot here to answer. First adultery is an act that only a married person can commit. When I person says vows to forsake every one else and only have eyes for "you.' that is a sacred trust that shouldn't be treated lightly. Sometimes a relationship fails and those mutual vows are given up. Sometimes by mutual consent they change somewhat.

    The key is honesty in a sexual relationship. Your mother didn't teach you about being responsible and what it means to when you are ready to make a true commitment. So when you determine not to follow her set of conduct rules, you are left basically with none.

    Your age is very important. If your are 17, she can call the shots and get away with it if she is willing to pay the price and suffer the consequences. If you are 18 that changes every thing. However, if she controls the purse strings, then you may have a choice: Go by her rules or the money is cut off.

    Now I don't like threats like that. But parents do them all the time. I hope your mother isn't that way.

    If you think your mom will listen sit down and talk with her. Only you know what she will and will not discuss and how she will react to it.

    First, no one has a right to force a person to tell about their sexual activities. Even in the rape of a seven year old child, we the professionals have to wait unitl the child is ready, Never, would we tell a seven year old that he can't get out of the chair to go to the bathroom, get a drink, eat a meal, or sleep until he told us what happened. That just is inexcusable.

    It is inexcusable for your mother to expect you to give the details of your sexual activities against your will.Had your mother built a level of trust and respect about sex while you were growing up, it would be different. But she didn't. It may be too late now. But maybe not. Listen carefully and see if there is a change.

    As for your new sexual freedom, you haven't told us exactly what you are in to. Let me give you some basic suggestions that most people would agree that they are correct. Some would want even stricter rules like wait until marriage. But I think this list is good. If others see something I left off, do comment as I don't claim to be perfect in making the list that is totally perfect.

    1. Do not engage in sexual activity you don't want to do. Don't do "it' to get back at someone or just to pelase someone unless you want that relationship.

    2.Be honest with your partner. If your partner is to you just a fuck buddy, then be sure that person knows that. Don't lead him or her along. If you want a real long term committed relationship, sooner or later you will need to convey that to the other person or the relationship will derail.

    3. Don't have sex with a person who is not legal in your state or with a person who is not truly consenting. If there is doubt, don't!


    4. Practice the safest sex possible always 100 percent of the time.

    5. Avoid getting drunk or on drugs to do things you wouldn't doing sober. If you aren't willing to do them sober, then don't do them drunk or under the influence of some drug.

    6. Never change your CODE OF CONDUCT in the middle of a sexual encounter. Wait until the next day when you are calm and really think through if you really want to change what you think is right or wrong and you are willing to do on a date. If after a time some away from the person, evaluate if you really want to change your code of conduct. The world is full of people who in a moment of passion changed what they thought was their code of conduct and then the next morning deeply regretted what they did.

    Here is my personal belief about sex and also my professional belief.

    Sexual intercourse is an activity for adults. It is not a child's game. (Under age 15.) Children should not be engaging in making true love. Self masturbation, mutual masturbation, fondling. etc.: We can preach against it all day long. Some will come on here and tear me to shreds for saying this but, it is going ot happen. It has been happening since the beginning of time. It will continue to happen. It is inappropriate behavior in public. That is private and the more adults stay out of it, the better things are.


    However, research shows that once a teen becomes active sexually, they aren't going to stop. Knowing that, the best we can do is teach them a code of behavior similar to what I wrote above. Try to see that they don't have sex and have an unwanted pregnancy, ( key word: unwanted.) a disease, or emotional issues stemming from their sexual actions.

    Adults SHOULD be there to listen to the kids and not judge them, but be there to help them grow into mature adults.

    After 15, it gets tricky. Some teens are adults mentally, sexually and emotioinally at age 15. Some aren't until age 19. If we can keep a reasonable code of conduct out there and a line of communication we may help some teens see that they aren't ready for sexual intercourse yet. When it becomes the teens decision, that is much better than when it is the adult's decision.

    Whatever the age, when teens start being sexually active, they should hopefully have a relationship with their parents that they can get the condoms, birth control, etc that they need without parental judgment. Once a teen has had sex voluntarily, that teen has entered the adult world. There very rarely is no turning back.

    This idea of if you don't do it my way, you are kicked out of the house is NOT unconditional love. And it rarely works. Only in extreme cases should it be done and then only to protect other children or the parents themselves from a child that far, way far out of control of himself or herself.

    Most important is that unconditional love that a parent should have for their child. Unconditional love supercedes everything I have written or anyone has written. If we as parents and mentoring adults fail at giving unconditional love, then we have failed period.

    Shame on that mother for demanding to know the details. If she had the right relationship with her child, the child would most likely have shared and even asked for advice. Let the child ask the mother for all the details of her sexual life from the beginning, minute details please. The shit will hit the fan for sure. You can almost always be sure that bringing her sexual past up with cause her to drop her child's sexual past post haste. Most of the time.

    To complicate things, this child is an adult's age now. The relationship shouldn't be the same as when the child was 15. Perhaps the mother is refusing to accept that her child is now an adult.

    Parents just have to blow it and teens have to get advice from the school counselor who helps every child in the high school and is absolutely fantastic. She only failed with two girls, her own. Even professionals don't always do it right when it comes to their own children.


    Good luck. Be very honest with your self and your partner in every relationship. You will be blest if you do.
     
  13. Jason

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    All the time you live at home and accept financial support from parents you have to go most of the way towards obeying their rules.

    There is room for compromise. You don't have to bring their attention to whatever you are doing - this might make it easier for them to turn a blind eye. Basically your college life away from home and your home life over the summer have to be different, and that might mean you have a sex free summer. :eek:

    Over time they might modify their views. Or they might not. Having a showdown with them pretty much guarantees they will not, and will cause you a lot of problems. You don't want this. Bite your tongue. Show some respect. How many days is it till you go back to college?
     
  14. Blackwallstreet

    Blackwallstreet New Member

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    #14 Blackwallstreet, Jul 25, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2008
  15. MTHgasm

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    I agree with most of what you said but this disturbs me coming from a professional.

    No 15 yr old could ever comprehend all the consequences of having a child at 15.
     
  16. Freddie53

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    In our day and age that may be true as we children don't have to be become adults. The truth is, most girls were married at age 13 in the 19th century. When a girl "blossomed out" she was usually married within a year. In those days puberty was later, not earlier by about two years.

    The average 15 year old today is not able to comprehend all the consequences of having a child at 15. However, the eldest daughter who has been changing diapers of her youngest sibling now for two years, slopps the hogs at sun rise, gathers the eggs, darns socks etc. Goes to schoool only about 50 days in the winter when the farm is not in full operation and on we go.

    In the third world today 15 is not considered a child. In the UK age 16 is the age of majority, not 18. Sixteen year olds may purchase alcohol. They are considered adults sexually.

    It is in only in America where we consider a 15 year old no different than a 10 year old. In fact in some states a 17 year old one month from being 18 is no different in the eyes of the law then a six year old when it comes to sexual matters. That is absolutely ridiculous.

    My point which you obviously missed or I failed to point out, is that if a girl has become sexually active and is 15 years old, we adults generally only have two options. One, try to make sure that they don't get pregnant with an unwanted child or get a disease. The late Ann Landers wrote many times that once a teen becomes sexually active, the chances of getting them to return to a sexless life is not very promising.

    Your point is well taken. Most fifteen year old girls have no business becoming mothers. All more the reason to teach birth control to those who are planning on having sex. Most parents in this age do not have the minute to minute control of their children to guarantee that no sex is taking place. Sleepovers, visiting a friend after school etc can lead to situations that parents have no idea are taking place.


    The child that has been way over protected may be in far more serious danger later as that child becomes 18-25 than the child that has much less protection in the teen years before age eighteen. The hidden anger and being treated like a six year old, not even being allowed to go the the bathroom without parents' permission for a high school age child can be so intense that once the child is legally out from that overprotective parents, all judgment is lost and the adult who is still a child inside because of the parents has lost all sense fo judgment.

    I have seen this time and time again. The over protective parents look at each other in total wonderment at how this could have happened.
    I don't like the idea of teaching kids to have sex. I certainly dislike even more the idea of deliberately withholding information from teens that could cost them their lives or cause a pregnancy that is NOT wanted.

    Yes, sex is an adult activity. But there is a vast difference between 16 and 17 years old. Fourteen and Fifteen year olds and twelve and thirteen year olds. And younger than that is pedophilia. Pedophilia being defined as a sexual interest in children who have not started puberty and is confirmed when as the child ages and enters puberty the sexual interest of the adult wanes.


    Long response, but might as well cover all the bases. Some 15 year olds may not have a clue what being an adult is, but they certainly are playing sexual adult games and they aren't likely to stop unless it is THEIR personal choice. We adults might as well get with the program and deal with it appropriately.
     
  17. craig_uk

    craig_uk Member

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    In most European Countries this is simply not true. Was it true in some parts of the USA? You got any evidence.

    In the Engalnd and Wales the age of majority is 18 - not 16. It was 21 until the latter part of the 20th Century. Nobody can marry below the age of majority without parental consent and that has been the same since before the begining of the 19th Century. The age at which a person can consent to sex is 16.

    Sixteen year olds cannot buy alcohol in the UK - they need to be an adult (18).

    The rest of your posting is pretty much spot on.
     
  18. Yorkie

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    Freddie was partially right as he was talking about the UK as a whole.In Scotland the age of majority is 16 (it looks like you already know this) and 16 year olds can buy beer,wine or cider as long as it's served with a meal (and consumed in an area used solely for eating meals).
     
  19. got_lost

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    Listen to Invisi.... he is right.

    You have to stand up to her now and just say you are an adult, well brought up and educated and it's now time for you to make your own choices yourself and you don't need to discuss or justify them with her.

    Full stop.

    And pleeeease do!!!

    I didn't.
    My mother brought me up that sex was dirty and shameful and should never be had outside of marriage.
    I went to college in my home town and could not afford to live outside of the family home so was unable to have a promiscuous.... no, it wouldn't have been promiscuous, it would have been a healthy and fun sex life, and was still held in the shackles of my mothers strict, over-bearing, prudish beliefs.
    I married shortly after college, probably to escape the bloody woman.
    She has never stopped influencing me in her ways (her favourite was I'd be disowned by the family... if I had sex, smoked, pierced my ears, got a tattoo.... anything really)

    At the age of 28 I spoke to her of leaving my husband because he was uninterested in and didn't want sex. She again said she'd disown me, it was wrong to divorce, and especially over such a trivial thing. Sex was not important and I'd be making a huge mistake. Aware of it being a HUGE decision to make anyway, I bottled it and stayed. I'm still here but only just. I haven't had sex for over 15 years and now I've learnt so much more about my mother.
    eg. recently I heard her telling my sister that she and my father, both in their 70s apparently have sex at least twice a week! :eek:
    hmmm... unimportant heh?!!? yeah right! :rolleyes:
    I've also learnt she has issues with me. I have no idea whether I am unwanted pregnancy or if something else happened or could have happened around the time I was born/conceived/little but apparently she has blamed me for them and hence her vindictiveness towards me throughout my life.... (she didn't tell my sister sex was evil... just me :cool:)

    I've just about cracked her hold over me but feel so frickin' stupid I didn't get it earlier! :rolleyes:

    Basically, please don't let your Mom interfere with a healthy sexual relationship or your choice to have one. You are an adult and as the others have implied, she should be keeping her nose out and letting you make your own life choices.

    Don't leave it too late like me! :redface:
     
  20. gingernuts

    gingernuts Member

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    I'd like to make the point that parents have a legal obligation to look after the kids they have and should not expect their children to be eternally grateful.

    Also the idea that previous generations were paragons of virtue is barking mad, studies show that a third of brides were obviously pregnant well before our so-called permissive society began in the 60's.

    Its a difficult situation, but don't lose sight of the fact that you are in the right - no matter what practical compromise you have to come to.
     
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