dealing with a broken heart.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by AdaramC, Aug 11, 2010.

  1. AdaramC

    AdaramC New Member

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    so this maybe the stupidest question but i have to ask. How does someone deal with a broken heart?

    Long story short, My boyfriend and I broke up officially from a 2 year on-&-off relationship about 3 months ago. It was more so my decision to break up because our relationship was volatile, even getting to the point of violence at one point. There was betrayal on both ends (physical and mental). But he remained adamant that he was completely in love with me and wanted to get married with me one day and have children with me. He knew I was his one and only, but I never knew. I always questioned it when he told me that and I never fully felt the same. A month passed without us talking and I decided that if we could both work with each other, and learn to communicate better, we could make it work. Only to find that he had moved on to another guy that "makes him happier than he has ever been".

    So I talk to him and he decides that he wants to date both of us to see what he liked better. I chose not to go down this route, I couldn't knowing that he was going to sleep with someone else. He tells me that he needs me in his life and that he can't live without me (as a friend), despite him dating someone else. I tell him I can't be friends right now because I still have feelings. Now when he sees me, he won't even look or acknowledge me. He instead has an angry face and makes sure everyone knows it.

    And here I am. I try to move on, but I can't. I try to do stuff with other guys to suppress the pain, but I can't. I'm not the type to hookup. I want to be in a relationship, not with my ex because i know how bad it will be, but a relationship with someone new. But I have no idea if I am ready. I end up sitting alone, hurting and not knowing how to deal with it.

    Advice? Please? Anything other than time?
     
  2. Remington

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    Only thing I can say is try to keep yourself occupied with something else. Keep busy. Don't become idle, that's when you'll feel the worst.

    Just hang out with friends, pick up a new hobby, just do anything and everything to keep your mind off of the bullshit, and move on with your life.
     
  3. jameshawket

    jameshawket Member

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    Broken hearts are hard to just get over as a quick fix. It seems like you are better off without this guy, yet a part of you still wants to be with him despite how he mistreats you. What you don't want to do is like what you said you don't do, is hooking up. You don't want to get with someone because you're hurting and you want to find the right one. In my experience, the best way to work through a broken heart is to figure out all the things about the person that you liked, and to realize that you can't be together and to just focus on the positives. There's no time limit on the pain, and you can't repress that, you have to feel it to get better. If being friends with this guy is causing you more pain, then it's best you stay away from him for a while, especially if he is going to be immature about your feelings. When you think you can manage it again, you need to talk to him one last time about everything that happened, tell him that he hurt you and how he did it, and at one point or another you have to forgive him, it could be verbally but most importantly it has to be inside of yourself you have to forgive him and let go of him.

    You also have to remember that you're not gonna end up alone and hurt when you find the right guy. I know a lot of people don't believe in "the one" but there definitely is "the one" for you, and when you find him, he's gonna make you feel like you're the important one. He's not gonna cheat on you, or hurt you, or anything that this guy has done to you. You have to remember that you are important enough to be loved, and that you will find love. Don't give up.
     
  4. xposed

    xposed New Member

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    broken heart , well my lover of 21 years commited suicide two years ago on august 27th which is coming up fast. And My heart is forever broken , but my spirit, and passion ,for life goes on. you have to put on step in front of the other, and move forward, even if mentally it feels like you have to lift that foot to make it walk forward , and
    stop looking back , and look only to the times you had that made you happy. remember no mistakes in life ,so learn from this. and be glad that you had time together. some relationships are best served over a short period of time ,and others a long time. as humans we never know when to walk, and when to stay. So look to yourself for that answer, and if you listen to a soft voice, it will direct you. huzs, christopher
     
  5. D_Sparroe Spongecaques

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  6. CUBE

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    what he said
     
  7. AdaramC

    AdaramC New Member

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    thank you everyone :) staying occupied never seemed like such hard work :/ but thanks again.
     
  8. avdude19

    avdude19 Member

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    Hey what's up? So I don't really no anything about you, but you seem like a smart and caring and just an awesome guy overall! I know it's pretty vague and altogether quite ambiguous to just say get over the guy, but really u can't keep thinking about him every so often and eat ice cream and watch crappy love movies all day, mostly because it's quite vulgar and unattractive. What you need to do it's go out with friends, or read a really good book (preferably not about love), or even go clubbing, if your into that kind of thing. But what I really advise you to do is to do something nobody would expect you to do! Lol for example if ur a conservative type of person then you should go out to a rave and party away all night. Don't go looking for a rebound to fill the void either, stuff like that always ends in "ouch." don't be afraid to go out with anyone though, chances are your more likely to find love in the weirdest of places, such as me and my current boyfriend whom i'm very in love with. Just don't worry about the ex. Usually if an ex acts lackadaisical or spiteful towards your appearence, it means he or she wants to get a certain reaction from you. In return you should just give a smile with a small wave haha. Just don't show that you miss him or still like him, even if u really do. Anyways you really do seem like a great guy and don't be afraid to show off what a great guy you are! Guys with confidence are automatically super cute
     
  9. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Attempting to find self-worth, appreciation, and love in a "hook-up" is quite possibly the worst thing you could do. You'll just feel worse afterwards. In my opinion, you need to start by looking to yourself for self-worth, appreciation, and love. Don't even try getting into a relationship again. I can almost promise you it will be just as volatile as your last one. There's nothing wrong with being single. It's not a bad thing to be. Focus on you for a while. Get your self-esteem back up where it belongs, love and respect yourself first, come to realize what it is you truly need, want, and deserve, and then try again.

    As far as the broken heart goes, just give it time. You'll eventually stop loving him in that way and stop longing for him. You'll respect who he was and what he taught you about yourself and the world at large, and that knowledge will allow you to make more educated decisions in the future about who you date. Don't be his friend right now. That would be unhealthy for you, and like I stated previously, you need to put yourself first for a while. Hopefully this makes sense to you and helps you some. :smile:
     
  10. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    I definitely "feel" for you. As everyone here has said, it takes time to heal. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you well.
     
  11. Mensch1351

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    My dear Adaram.................it's tough -- it is!! And the reason WHY it's tough is because you are a person who GIVES of yourself and your heart. THAT's a RISK...........and love is always risky. Relationships are always vulnerable to change (the health of the person -- their survival,etc) there just are NO guarantees. You look for that person to love and finally finally find them and they are in our lives for what.......10 years, 20, 40 --- 2 months?? People are gifts to us. We learn something about ourselves FROM them and we give TO them who and what we are. But there are no guarantees that their love and devotion will last forever -- that whatever THEY might be dealing with may not change THEM into drug addicts or alchoholics or abusers. People change, circumstances change. Each person who enters into a relationship brings with them both their strengths AND their weaknesses......their open-ness to grow or their stubborness towards personal stagnation. People show their "best" side in dating and then you REALLY begin to see who they are once the "lust & limerance (look it up)" wears off. These are tough lessons to learn, but with each relationship we grow --- and we hope and believe that what is to come will be better and stronger than what HAS been.

    Now --- grief..........denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. These are the 5 stages (and we can go through all 5 stages in 10 minutes so it isn't ALWAYS progressive -- they overlap!) These are the ways in which we learn to deal with the disappointment and self doubting that takes place when that special "other" leaves our life. Don't fight it. Get a good spiral bound book and write down and process your grief. Most people's deep seeded emotional taumas of life are somehow rooted in an "UNRESOLVED" grief. And as much as you don't want to hear it -- over time that pain will diminish. You're at a critical role in your life and the Chinese symbol (in their language) for "crisis" is the SAME symbol for "opportunity." You can have this experience make you bitter and less likely to risk or you can have this experience open you up to better character judgment, a stronger sense of self, and an open-ness to personal growth. If you cannot shake the self pity and depression -- well --- that's what a good counselor gets paid for!!!! Hang in there -- make a nice long list of what you know are the plus-es of what you have to bring to a relationship and what you need the other person in your life for. Co-dependency is a great weakness that keeps driving people into disastrous affairs and relationships. Work on becoming the whole person YOU need to be and you may be amazed at how you can attract other "more whole" people to you. Good luck my friend!!!
     
  12. simbasa12

    simbasa12 New Member

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    The best way to get over a wench is to find another wench. Or another dude. Go out and socialize instead of feeling sorry for yourself and you will meet another guy better than the ex. It's either that or mope around at home and get wasted....which sounds better to you?
     
  13. AdaramC

    AdaramC New Member

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    Thank you to everyone for the advice and even the compliments. It's definitely has been a process. It's just one of those things where I am realizing that I can't look to other people to fix me, but I can ask for advice. These past few days for some reason have been extremely difficult. I find myself to just spontaneously break down and just cry. I don't know why. It's always these stupid little things that set me off. A picture of him when he was sick, a shirt that he bought me, I have never really been one to cry, but I've just been on overload lately. It sucks.

    The hook-up factor. I can't just hook-up. It's strange, it just doesn't work for me. I need intimacy and I need there to be a spark. These past few weeks I've had the opportunity to get together with guys, and for one reason or another, I just flake. It doesn't feel right to me. As much as I want it to, I just want to feel something, anything sometimes so badly. It's just so draining being alone and feeling like I have no one, after having someone for so long. I really think that I became co-dependent without even realizing it. I use to be so independent and capable of being by myself. But, with this relationship, it feels like I really lost a huge chunk of who i use to be, and that scares me so much. I'm thankful for everything I've learned from being in this relationship, both the good and the bad, and I know I will use it in future relationships, but the ultimate scary thing for me is that I will end up alone. I know a lot of people fear this and it doesn't make sense to. But I just can't help it.

    Mensch1351: I loved the way you put it. It definitely makes me nervous though. I am so naive in the sense that I want a fairy tale ending. The kind where everything is okay and I won't have to worry about breaking up and heartbreak. I know it's foolish to think that way but I'm at a point where I haven't given up on my desires fully yet. Give me 10 years and ask me again but I know this is just something I have to deal with. I want to be a relationship where yes we both bring strengths and weaknesses but, I'd like to believe that our lover's strength with help overcome our own weaknesses, pretty silly huh?

    Simbasa12: As much as I hate to admit it, I think I would rather mope around at home :/ I am one to drink, in fact I have never even drank in my life and I'm 21. I've just never had the desire to. I don't have anything against it, it's just one of those thing I just choose not to do. Which makes it hard to socialize. I go to bars and I go to clubs, but I can't help but feel out of place. I'm a simple soul that likes going to the park and riding my bike, it's lame, but it's me :/

    Thank you all again for such great advice. It's hearing from others about this, it really helps.
     
  14. killerb

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    definitely do NOT jump into a new relationship right now...

    sorry to say this but time IS the only thing that cures a broken heart..

    those other things that people have mentioned do help...keeping busy, socializing, etc...

    i always think that times like this are the best times to focus on things that you've always wanted to do and actually DO THEM...

    i have a friend who was married & her husband cheated on her & ended up leaving her...she was devastated and i gave her this same advice...turns out that she had always wanted to go to school for culinary arts...and she had always wanted to cut her hair, which her husband liked long...she did both and it did a lot to give her a boost...
     
  15. xX_Sarah_Xx

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    Use this time to find yourself all over again. It's hard. I think most here know. :)
    Because when you love someone, you start getting used to each other, you lose yourself partly in them. That's not something willingly done, but it just happens.

    Do things that will make you feel good about yourself. Help people, go out and sport, learn something you always wanted to learn, but like a lot of people said on here, keep busy. The nights will be the hardest though. Getting sleep. My advise would be... tire yourself out during the day, go for a good session at the gym. And when you have to get sleep, watch some porn and masturbate? There's no better sleeping pill than an orgasm ^_^

    What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Good luck. Stay strong. You can do this :)
     
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