Dealing with FRIENDSHIP on demand

[blkbro510]

Okay so I need some help with what I'm feeling. I have some friends that I'm close with but over the years it has been ONE SIDED-- usually theirs. And yet they say they feel I'm not giving of myself and they don't know what I've been doing and they need to spend more time with but when I want to hang out and catch up its either they are too busy or something just came up. But when something big happens in their life, I'm the first one to call or if they need someone who would listen I'm also called on as well.

I have other friends that are not like them and I spend time with them, but right now I'm feeling this blech feelings with the friendship on demand or part time friends.

I resently went off on one those type of friends because he said that I closing him out and he hung up the phone in my face! I gave myself 4 hours to cool off and when I talked to him I let him have it, pointing out the 8 years that have suddenly gone by his lack of him even reply back via text messaging. After an hour he apology, but now I GOT the OTHERS to deal with but I don't want it to go that way again.

Get back at me

yours truly

Seriously not feeling these part time fuckers!

 

[nudeyorker]

Two ways to go really, contact them and let them know your feelings; or just cut them loose now and when they contact you fill them in how the friendship was not working the way real friendship is supposed to.

 

[nudepierced]

I can relate bro, I do not really have any friends but the few I did have was all one sided, I had to call and see what was going on, and it was only convenient for them to be friends when they wanted something, I can be alone and not deal with it.

 

[blkbro510]

Okay so I do say it without being mean. Or should I show it. I have one friend who has invited me to his super bowl party--they want folks to bring in gifts and food. I REALLY don't want to go, already asked one my lady friends to show up with me but to be honest I feel like I give in more than I get from him in past 10 years!

Two ways to go really, contact them and let them know your feelings; or just cut them loose now and when they contact you fill them in how the friendship was not working the way real friendship is supposed to.

 

[nudeyorker]

Okay so I do say it without being mean. Or should I show it. I have one friend who has invited me to his super bowl party--they want folks to bring in gifts and food. I REALLY don't want to go, already asked one my lady friends to show up with me but to be honest I feel like I give in more than I get from him in past 10 years!

Take the high road and say what you feel without being mean and hurtful it will have much more impact. Meanwhile life to too short to do things that you don't really have to if you don't want to. Don't go to the party but thank them for the invitation.

 

[blkbro510]

I figured out if I don't talk to him he won't call and I'll just "forget to go". Pissed me off that I required to bring a gift. I don't know you to buy you anything. Nor is it a wedding recepition.I swear Miss Manners need to come back out.

Take the high road and say what you feel without being mean and hurtful it will have much more impact. Meanwhile life to too short to do things that you don't really have to if you don't want to. Don't go to the party but thank them for the invitation.

 

[goodwood]

yes. this is frustrating to be sure. i have had countelss friends like that. whenever they need to talk and be listened to its of the utmost importance.
when i called them they were busy, they couldn't be bothered.
in the end, those people are people i am no longer friends with. my good friends listen to me when i need someone to talk to and they know that i will listen to them when they need to talk and be listened to.
i decided a long time ago that i would not stress myself out over people that are self-centric. it is said that "a fool will always find a bigger fool to admire him" and for those people that are foolish enough to think that friendship is only a one way street on which you exist to entertain their ego, just let them go. don't take their calls unless you are bored or think there is a legitimate reason to talk with them. they will carry on and find other people who (they think) find them fascinating and be happy to absorb their time and issues.
sorry you are so frustrated. its up to you to make a conscious decision to draw the line and draw it where you are cofortable and not exasperated.

 

[ConstantComment]

Okay so I need some help with what I'm feeling. I have some friends that I'm close with but over the years it has been ONE SIDED-- usually theirs. And yet they say they feel I'm not giving of myself and they don't know what I've been doing and they need to spend more time with but when I want to hang out and catch up its either they are too busy or something just came up. But when something big happens in their life, I'm the first one to call or if they need someone who would listen I'm also called on as well.

I have other friends that are not like them and I spend time with them, but right now I'm feeling this blech feelings with the friendship on demand or part time friends.

I resently went off on one those type of friends because he said that I closing him out and he hung up the phone in my face! I gave myself 4 hours to cool off and when I talked to him I let him have it, pointing out the 8 years that have suddenly gone by his lack of him even reply back via text messaging. After an hour he apology, but now I GOT the OTHERS to deal with but I don't want it to go that way again.

Get back at me

yours truly

Seriously not feeling these part time fuckers!

Are these friends men or women? They sound so girly. I've had to cull some friends in the past few years. I have never once experienced a successful open honest discussion about why I was not happy with the relationship, that is which resulted in a continued and improved relationship.

Peope are always going to defend themselves; try to find some excuse for their behavior; elevate something you did as if it were on par to something they did that pissed you off. And then the worst of it is, they will repeat what you said to others that you know in common just when you wanted to keep the issue between the two of you.

Two things that I will try to do in the future are 1) to be brave enough to cut people off when a red flag appears. For example, I am more relaxed about time. If I gree to meet someone at a happy hour for example, I really don't see what the problem is if my arrival is off by say 10 minutes. I have noticed that the same people who get wound up over those 10 minutes will think nothing of standing you up at a later date.

2) to express my disappointment about something as it happens. Bringing something up at a later date comes across as if you thought "too much" about it. Saying something at the time will at least get those who are somewhat sensitive thinking that well, you expressed your opinion, so they can't complain about being surprised.

I say downshift those relationships you're not happy with. If they complain, let them know you have no idea what they are talking about.

 

[rbkwp]

Sounds like you are genuinely nice and they are taking advantage of that generosity blkbro
Maybe they are very weak overall,and cant express much to you
Geuss you may need to determine if they are indeed your friends
Personally i would coral them-individually, and talk it thru
as to if they value your friendship, and how best for you both to resolve such disturbing patterns
explain clearly that its NOT a one way street.
be upfront but not confrontational i suggest.
GOOD Luck
enz

 

[blkbro510]

They are both men and women.

Thanks for the advice of the red flags, I've been doing that for 10 years I don't invest in those folks.

I will down play thier complaints when it happens.

Are these friends men or women? They sound so girly. I've had to cull some friends in the past few years. I have never once experienced a successful open honest discussion about why I was not happy with the relationship, that is which resulted in a continued and improved relationship.

Peope are always going to defend themselves; try to find some excuse for their behavior; elevate something you did as if it were on par to something they did that pissed you off. And then the worst of it is, they will repeat what you said to others that you know in common just when you wanted to keep the issue between the two of you.

Two things that I will try to do in the future are 1) to be brave enough to cut people off when a red flag appears. For example, I am more relaxed about time. If I gree to meet someone at a happy hour for example, I really don't see what the problem is if my arrival is off by say 10 minutes. I have noticed that the same people who get wound up over those 10 minutes will think nothing of standing you up at a later date.

2) to express my disappointment about something as it happens. Bringing something up at a later date comes across as if you thought "too much" about it. Saying something at the time will at least get those who are somewhat sensitive thinking that well, you expressed your opinion, so they can't complain about being surprised.

I say downshift those relationships you're not happy with. If they complain, let them know you have no idea what they are talking about.

 

[killerb]

listen...don't let them take you out of character...nobody's worth that...

there's no need to come out of a bag or anything...if you don't wanna be bothered, just don't.

u owe no explanation to anyone...life is too short to be bothered with fake friends...

concentrate on the ppl who are truly there for you & leave the others by the wayside....and feel no guilt for doing so...

 

[blkbro510]

Thanks man!

listen...don't let them take you out of character...nobody's worth that...

there's no need to come out of a bag or anything...if you don't wanna be bothered, just don't.

u owe no explanation to anyone...life is too short to be bothered with fake friends...

concentrate on the ppl who are truly there for you & leave the others by the wayside....and feel no guilt for doing so...

 

[rob_just_rob]

I hate 'friends' like that.

The ones who complain that they are always the ones to set up events, outings, etc... but whenever I suggest something, they already have plans or are not interested...

The ones who complain that they never see me when I'm in a relationship... but who disappear for 6 months at a time when they're with someone new...

In short, the ones who can recognize failings in everyone else but are oblivious to the fact that they have the same failings.

And people say I'm cynical.

 

[blkbro510]

DUDE you are not cynical! YOU ARE ON POINT! It's crazy right? You do everything to catch up and etc and then they just blame you for demise of the friendship.

I hate 'friends' like that.

The ones who complain that they are always the ones to set up events, outings, etc... but whenever I suggest something, they already have plans or are not interested...

The ones who complain that they never see me when I'm in a relationship... but who disappear for 6 months at a time when they're with someone new...

In short, the ones who can recognize failings in everyone else but are oblivious to the fact that they have the same failings.

And people say I'm cynical.

 

[rob_just_rob]

DUDE you are not cynical! YOU ARE ON POINT! It's crazy right? You do everything to catch up and etc and then they just blame you for demise of the friendship.

Au contraire, I absolutely AM cynical. But that may not be germane to the matter at hand. :wink:

I get where you're coming from. The trick is not getting worked up over the demise of the friendship.

 

[blkbro510]

I just want to seem like I'm azz hole, that's what I'm more concerned about. Like I've done my part right so I can move on.

For example I clean out my cell phone every year of numbers I don't call. So right now when I run into an old friend I don't put thier numbers in my phone when they ask me why I just say "I don't want to crowd my phone with numbers I don't use, however I do have smart phone and I can email you and I'm myspace."

When I do that they have the look of shock but that's where I am at in my life and it's the truth.

Au contraire, I absolutely AM cynical. But that may not be germane to the matter at hand. :wink:

I get where you're coming from. The trick is not getting worked up over the demise of the friendship.

 

[Sklar]

Those aren't friends. They're emotional vampires.

Ditch them. Move on.

Sklar

 

[killerb]

Thanks man!

anytime!

 

[helgaleena]

If a friendship feels onesided to you, and you have given the person ten whole years to even it up, just let them vanish. If they are needy, just get used to saying no, and do not feel pressured to be 'nice', just polite. It is not wrong to have other plans, or not be there for people who are always taking more than they give. If they ask why, just explain as unemotionally as you can, with a polite smile. Buh-bye, I can't afford you any longer, sorry.

 

[Lex]

Friendships take both people to put energy into them in order to survive and thrive. Now, each person might not always give his/her 50%, but over time, as long as both as putting into it, a friendship can endure. However, if over time only one person is putting energy into the relationship, it will not last and you will wind up resentful of your unreturned efforts.

I had this happen with a few friends. I just stopped putting energy into the relationship/friendship and let the chips fall where they may. Real friends keep contact.