Dealing with FRIENDSHIP on demand

[naughty]

Sometimes other things are at play. THe person may be going through a period of depression or some other traumatic event and may not be contacting anyone. It is unfortunate because under normal circumstances what each of you has said has much merit. I know because I have been hit by a number of different issues in the last two years and have stopped IMing (which was a major way in which I spoke to friends) fallen woefully behind in correspondence and even gift giving. I have things sitting here that need to go out and I just dont seem to be able to get past the thought. So sometimes the one way street is for a season . But if it has always been like that . Then perhaps some thought needs to go into the situation. BLK, What you are describing is generally known as a toxic friend, someone who weighs you down so much that you want to run from their presence. IT is hard because toxicity also can come in the form of family who are not so easy to shake.
Finally I must say I thank all my friends who have continued to contact me and prod me even though they probably have felt recently that it was a one way street. THank you for contacting or even confronting me to see what the problem is. I do appreciate it and love you all the more for the effort.

 

[Rikter8]

I know because I have been hit by a number of different issues in the last two years and have stopped IMing (which was a major way in which I spoke to friends) fallen woefully behind in correspondence and even gift giving.

True friends will always be there for you. Gifts are not needed. If you have to gift friends to respond - they aren't true friends.
A simple phone call to say hi, or to vent. That's what friends are for - a support network.

When I don't hear from folks I generally think either they're busy, having a difficult time, or just don't want to talk.
I leave them be.

 

[Rikter8]

Real friends keep contact.

Yea but you keep hangin up on me!!!!!

 

[Lex]

...
Finally I must say I thank all my friends who have continued to contact me and prod me even though they probably have felt recently that it was a one way street. THank you for contacting or even confronting me to see what the problem is. I do appreciate it and love you all the more for the effort.

I will harass your ass everytime I see you on Gmail. PLZBLEVIT.

Yea but you keep hangin up on me!!!!!

Get better cell phone service. :tongue:

 

[naughty]

True friends will always be there for you. Gifts are not needed. If you have to gift friends to respond - they aren't true friends.
A simple phone call to say hi, or to vent. That's what friends are for - a support network.

When I don't hear from folks I generally think either they're busy, having a difficult time, or just don't want to talk.
I leave them be.

Leaving them be may or may not be a good thing. Sometimes they need you to prod them. I love you , C.

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

I sympathize with you, man; it's been pretty rough for me the past couple of years as well. I'm hitting a point in life in which I'm really tired of having superficial people around. Suffice it to say, I don't have many friends. It's my choice, though, because the people I DO have around and keep in touch with regularly are very near and dear to my heart. And it's not that I'm absolutely cold-blooded to everyone else. It's just that, you know, when I'm in a friendship with someone, I try to get a read on our dynamic. Some friends are just good to call up and have a few beers with. Others are on the top of the phone tree when I'm in a real funk. And I try my best not to mix up the two.

I think talking it out is important only if that friendship is really worth saving. If someone's a really good friend, then you don't just drop them at a moment's notice. That is someone worth saving. On the other hand, people go around thinking all of their friends are worth saving, and that simply isn't the case. Anyway, before you think about talking or not talking, just figure up in your head who you're having grief with and try to connect them to times in your life of real significance.

I talked with a good friend about this yesterday, and she asked me point-blank, "You know, why is it when you mention __________ I never hear anything good about that person?"

That's probably a good place to start rehashing, you know?

 

[naughty]

I sympathize with you, man; it's been pretty rough for me the past couple of years as well. I'm hitting a point in life in which I'm really tired of having superficial people around. Suffice it to say, I don't have many friends. It's my choice, though, because the people I DO have around and keep in touch with regularly are very near and dear to my heart. And it's not that I'm absolutely cold-blooded to everyone else. It's just that, you know, when I'm in a friendship with someone, I try to get a read on our dynamic. Some friends are just good to call up and have a few beers with. Others are on the top of the phone tree when I'm in a real funk. And I try my best not to mix up the two.

I think talking it out is important only if that friendship is really worth saving. If someone's a really good friend, then you don't just drop them at a moment's notice. That is someone worth saving. On the other hand, people go around thinking all of their friends are worth saving, and that simply isn't the case. Anyway, before you think about talking or not talking, just figure up in your head who you're having grief with and try to connect them to times in your life of real significance.

I talked with a good friend about this yesterday, and she asked me point-blank, "You know, why is it when you mention __________ I never hear anything good about that person?"

That's probably a good place to start rehashing, you know?

Well then I feel doubly honored.

 

[Rikter8]

There are a few people here that I trust with my name/address/number and you two are a couple of them.

But its true Dee - some friends are toxic like Sklar said. Not necessarily because they mean to be, just that they have circumstances that are the pits at the time...and theyre reaching out.
And then...theres that few...that ho-lee-hell-run-while-you-can before they tell you their life story.

Not implying either of you, but Im sure you've met folks like that.
Some, you know are beyond help and you quietly and politely shuffle away.. others you can relate to and you form stronger friendships.

I guess for the O.P. Take a few steps back and look at the situation from a bigger picture. I think then you may be able to judge the situation in a more healthy manner and put peace to a wondering mind.

C

 

[blkbro510]

I found the request very tacky and was very offended that I HAD TO BUY a gift to attend.

I will be start off that friendship on the right foot-- just say hello and keep myself moving never make plans with that friend.

True friends will always be there for you. Gifts are not needed. If you have to gift friends to respond - they aren't true friends.
A simple phone call to say hi, or to vent. That's what friends are for - a support network.

When I don't hear from folks I generally think either they're busy, having a difficult time, or just don't want to talk.
I leave them be.

 

[blkbro510]

I got a book this evening called Emotional Vampires by Albert J. Bernstien, Ph. D.

and also a friend of mine got to read this blog www.sociopathworld.com to give me more insight

Those aren't friends. They're emotional vampires.

Ditch them. Move on.

Sklar

 

[blkbro510]

You are right about the depression, and that folks may have some drama in their lives and I have thought will weight that in my discessions on my freindships.

I do have one friend who is clinical depress and I'm good with my bounderies and he keeps his, but did had a friend who's bi-polar and I had to cut it that friendship out.

It does wear on you. I wish those folks, and thier theripst would know that!

Sometimes other things are at play. THe person may be going through a period of depression or some other traumatic event and may not be contacting anyone. It is unfortunate because under normal circumstances what each of you has said has much merit. I know because I have been hit by a number of different issues in the last two years and have stopped IMing (which was a major way in which I spoke to friends) fallen woefully behind in correspondence and even gift giving. I have things sitting here that need to go out and I just dont seem to be able to get past the thought. So sometimes the one way street is for a season . But if it has always been like that . Then perhaps some thought needs to go into the situation. BLK, What you are describing is generally known as a toxic friend, someone who weighs you down so much that you want to run from their presence. IT is hard because toxicity also can come in the form of family who are not so easy to shake.
Finally I must say I thank all my friends who have continued to contact me and prod me even though they probably have felt recently that it was a one way street. THank you for contacting or even confronting me to see what the problem is. I do appreciate it and love you all the more for the effort.

 

[blkbro510]

Hey thank you guys for the replies I really need it!

 

[jpk338]

i've had a friendship for 26 yrs. he met a bf 1 yr ago and no one sees him any more. in january i had skin cancer surgery,heart surgeryand carotid surgery, and he texted me once to see if i was ok. texted is the key word here. he couldn't pick up the phone and call. am i being too critical?am i expecting too much? he's always busy,not only for me but for everybody else too, but i'm the only one saying anything about it. i value friendships in my life and sometimes i don't want to let go of them. but i don't know what to do.

 

[blkbro510]

OMG! Sorry to hear that if ever you need a friend its now. I agree with you you deserve more than a fucking text message! Yeah friends who get lost in relationships do disappear and disappoint however what you were going through he could've took a break!

i've had a friendship for 26 yrs. he met a bf 1 yr ago and no one sees him any more. in january i had skin cancer surgery,heart surgeryand carotid surgery, and he texted me once to see if i was ok. texted is the key word here. he couldn't pick up the phone and call. am i being too critical?am i expecting too much? he's always busy,not only for me but for everybody else too, but i'm the only one saying anything about it. i value friendships in my life and sometimes i don't want to let go of them. but i don't know what to do.

 

[SpeedoMike]

long time ago I recognized this kind of situation. I began keeping track of invitations, calls, etc. After the third try, I dropped them because, if they really wanted to, they would.

a good example is asking someone to go to lunch or dinner, a sporting event, dropping over, etc. three times and you're out.

funny thing, they never seem to notice!

 

[D_Portelay Porquesword]

Friendship, esp the close ones are always a work in progress. I have had to do some work on a friendship that has been one sided many times.

When I resolve myself to cutting that kind of thing out, they usually come back around. These people know which side their bread is buttered on and you have every right to remind them of that when they are seemingly using you for support.

Take your power back. Resolve the issues in yourself (if any) first. Bolster your confidence in doing the right thing. When they come around, convey to them how you feel first before going into anything about them. If they are willing to continue with their "needs" in the understanding that in your hood: It is all about the two way streets.

If not, throw that mess back and keeping moving. There are those out there that do not behave that way. You will find them.

 

[B_625girth]

there are always people that are your friend when they need something. I have lots of them. I help them only if when they call I can give them an immediate answer or verbally help with their problem. anything more than that , like loan me money, pick me up, can you come look at such and such and fix it, I will give some answer, I'm busy, I'm sick, I'm broke, etc. it's a shitty way to be, but after years of being shit on, I'm nobody's safety net anymore.

 

[blkbro510]

Great advice!

Friendship, esp the close ones are always a work in progress. I have had to do some work on a friendship that has been one sided many times.

When I resolve myself to cutting that kind of thing out, they usually come back around. These people know which side their bread is buttered on and you have every right to remind them of that when they are seemingly using you for support.

Take your power back. Resolve the issues in yourself (if any) first. Bolster your confidence in doing the right thing. When they come around, convey to them how you feel first before going into anything about them. If they are willing to continue with their "needs" in the understanding that in your hood: It is all about the two way streets.

If not, throw that mess back and keeping moving. There are those out there that do not behave that way. You will find them.

 

[blkbro510]

625 girth this is a great one too

there are always people that are your friend when they need something. I have lots of them. I help them only if when they call I can give them an immediate answer or verbally help with their problem. anything more than that , like loan me money, pick me up, can you come look at such and such and fix it, I will give some answer, I'm busy, I'm sick, I'm broke, etc. it's a shitty way to be, but after years of being shit on, I'm nobody's safety net anymore.

 

[B_Nick4444]

I've been on the receiving end of the same complaints you make, and suffered my friends similar outbursts

didn't make sense to me then, doesn't make sense to me now, as I know I tried

but, who know? maybe too much time with my various projects, family, etc.

but, my affection and loyalty were real, heartfelt and true

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSaV7fP107c