Dealing with grief

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by CynFully, Nov 14, 2009.

  1. CynFully

    CynFully New Member

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    Within the last 2 weeks ive gone from a Daddys girl...to a gonna lose my Dad girl. He wont take chemo and the medical issues arent my question. My issue is....how the fuck do i deal with this? I have one sibling and we do talk. So its not as simple as talk to your brother. How do I wake up Monday and accept that my Dad might not be here 4 Mondays from now. What can i do to make myself more resilient..tough..? How can i get thru this ,,,any tips?
     
  2. Principessa

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    Not a clue. :frown1: My dad is in the declining stages of Parkinson's and that thought has been on my mind for over a year now. I guess I'll do what I always do when something bad happens: cry in the shower, get drunk, cry some more, then suck it up and move on. :frown1: Yeah, that only works after I've been dumped. :irked:
     
  3. Rubenesque

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    Everyone deals with grief differently.

    I found out last year that my Dad has incurable cancer and I was devastated, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Like you I've always been a Daddy's girl. The best advice I was given is not to repress any of your feelings, and NEVER feel silly for being upset or crying in company. I got to the point where I decided I didn't give a toss what people thought when I was on the bus home from work crying like a baby!

    And remember that your Dad hasn't gone yet, and you have however long he is still with you to make sure he knows how very important he is to you, and that you love him. And to apologise for anything you said or did over the years that you regret, believe me, that helps.

    It's not internet bullshit when I say this, I'm sending my love to you because I know how you feel xxx xxx xxx
     
    #3 Rubenesque, Nov 14, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2009
  4. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    I feel terrible for you. Death is never easy and I don't think you can prepare for how it will hit you. Grief is natural and appropriate and you will just have to work through it. And the more you try to hide or deny your feelings the worse you'll make it for yourself and the less healthy you'll be.

    Unfortunately, the decision to refuse chemo is his. I assume he's made this decision rationally and with full medical knowledge. Try not to be angry with him.

    Try to stay in the here and now and to enjoy your time with him as much as possible.

    I wish you peace and I will be thinking of you.
     
  5. bigbull29

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    I remember last year when my my mother came out into the waiting room, crying uncontrollaby and telling me Grandma has incurable lung cancer. I thought a ton of bricks fell on me. I will never forget it. She died 12 days after diagnosis.

    Love him as much as you can every day, and feel the pain as much as you can so you can start to accept what has happened. There's no way around it.

    God love you! You're in my prayers.:smile:
     
  6. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Spend the time you have together. If you work, now's the time to take family leave. I don't think a doctor will refuse the request. Make the time you have wonderful. Watch his favorite movies with him, make him his favorite foods, and just spend time with him as you normally would. Say what you want to say to him now and by all means, don't be afraid to broach the subject of death and what he might like for a service and ask him if he has any heirlooms he'd like to leave to current or future grandchildren, that kind of thing. When someone accepts death, death itself isn't difficult to discuss and it's an important subject they may have a hard time raising because people tend to sweep it under the table. Take him to do things he might like, just be there and be you.
     
  7. CynFully

    CynFully New Member

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    thanx all. I yelled to my StepMom--cant you MAKE him take Chemo.
    So the advice from Nick8 ,not to be angry at him hit home. I didnt realize i was ANGRY at him for getting sick. Thanx Nick8 for recognizing my anger.
    He's 75 and his family donates their bodies to science. He discussed it with us kids yrs ago---but you shrug it off---Its my DAD..he's gonna live FOREVER....hes my super hero DAD. He's the killer of spiders, the vanquisher of evils under the bed, the dog lover, the man who smelled like cherry pipe tobacco, he makes a wicked pineapple upsidedown cake, and he didnt get mad when i wrecked his new cars (2 in 1 wk-another post--lol). He's my DAD and he can fix eveything.Broken heart? check, Find my guinea pig? check. Hes DAD he'll live forever....

    He's in Florida and i live in Delaware
    But when he goes....all I will have is memories (which aint so bad).
    Im 46 ...hes 75 and hes gonna die before his Mom (94). How is that fair? Poor grandMa.

    Nj's advice to cry in the shower and get drunk has been taken and will be used repeatedly. Can you send more beer please?

    Im not looking forward to the pain...but at least i'm a little more prepared for it.
    thank you all ----so much.
     
  8. BigLoveRod

    BigLoveRod New Member

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    People can have a hard time hearing this, but faith (not necessarily religion) is something that can be leaned on. Apologies if this rubs you the wrong way.

    But I do hope your father and you are reconciled in all ways and, short of a miracle, when he passes you are yet able to hold him near and dear for all your years. This may be too early to really consider but something not practiced so much these days is keeping a locket of hair. People would do this even for those still with them. There isn't necessarily death connotation with this. I hope I haven't been blunt or cruel in any way.
     
  9. Serial Kisser

    Serial Kisser Well-Known Member

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    I lost my dad when I was 8.
    My grandma, whom I was very close to, just passed away 5 days ago.
    This is going to sound insensitive, and not fluffy and comforting but, you just deal with it.
    You take each day as it comes. You remember the awesome times you had with that person.
    Maybe if you want something special, have your dad write you and your sibling a special letter.
    I have a letter from my dad when I was 4, and I cherish it.
    Your dad may not want to suffer through chemo therapy, and as much as it hurts, that's really his choice to not suffer through it. It may be a more peaceful route for him. And this is about him and last days. Do the best you can to know that you helped make them as peaceful as possible. I wish you the best. This stuff is never easy.
     
  10. D_Humper E Bogart

    D_Humper E Bogart New Member

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    Grief is a poison that softens the flesh (literally), consumes the mind and drags one on a very fast course to death by suicide. I found that making peace with oneself and your family, the people who give a shit about you and yourself can ease some suffering.
     
  11. Hand_Solo

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    Enjoy what time you have left, and hang in there. Losing a parent is rough no matter what. Damn near killed me. It takes a while before you can remember the good things instead of just wallowing in loss. Tell him how much you love him before he's gone; you don't want to leave those really important things unsaid.
     
  12. King_ding_a_ling

    King_ding_a_ling New Member

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    Every time I have lost someone in my life I have done things in this order: Celebrate thier life with the people closest to me, Morn my loss of them in my life, then move on.

    Everything inbetween is up to situation and you.

    I hope he lives as long as he can in peace and my thought and prayers are with you and your family. Be strong, but never afraid to cry.
     
  13. CynFully

    CynFully New Member

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    UPDATE
    Dad died Tues 11-24-09 after coming home for Hospice care that Fri. It was my niece's 6th birthday. My Bro says "C'mon, he was goofy and so is she..something to celebrate and remember". He is wise for a younger brother, huh? My sis in law told Dad that i loved him/kissed him on the cheek for me before he lost lucidity...as i couldn't be there. Ive just now had the courage to reread the advice that everyone offered. I think ive done everything that ya'll have suggested!! ive cried in the shower/got drunk/forgiven him/ etc. This is just a big thanx to y'all for helping me deal with a unfamiliar/scary situation. I still cant figure out why the sun can shine every day.....but in time, it will.....rainbows cometh.
    And can someone hold me to the promise I make now...that....My next post will involve ....sex...
     
  14. ManlyBanisters

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    So sorry for your loss.

    Take your time - here and everywhere and post about whatever the hell you like.
     
  15. Gisella

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    I am so sorry CynFully! It is sooo sad, I know! Big hug!:frown1:
    It will take time but you will accept.... we will always miss and remember, carry our loved ones who passed way in us..and waves of feelings comes and goes during many years...
    There is no way to rush the process and stages of mourning and grieving.. let all emotions run its course, and all the tears flow..talk and vent, do not let things inside.
    Peace
    xoxo
     
  16. cdarro

    cdarro New Member

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    My sincere sympathy. I lost my mother 16 months ago from cancer (for which she also refused treatment). It is very difficult. My thoughts are with you.
     
  17. helgaleena

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    If you have any religious beliefs about what may be left of your dad now, take comfort in them. Know that he was ready and made his own decision about how he wanted to face it.

    Nobody gets out alive. Intellectually we know this but that does not make a difference when it is a loved one. It will stop hurting sometime. I hope this is some help... Don't beat yourself up if you post about something other than sex, muwahaha.
     
  18. Sergeant_Torpedo

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    So it is about you and not your father, or even about you and your father. We all have or will have to experience this. Stop making the sad drama about yourself: no wonder many people choose to release themselves from pain by letting go when the family isn't around.
     
  19. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I'm going to try my best to show you the respect you CLEARLY didn't offer to the OP. The last thing they need to hear now, is "Get over it, stop being a whiny baby". When a person experiences a loss (especially when they were close to the person), it can be an incredibly painful. Add the idea of loving that person and it becomes even worse.

    While you may have not experienced something like that, many people have/will in their lifetime. Losing a loved one isn't easy. When it comes to death, as we all know, there are stages we go through.

    The best thing that one can do, is remember the person and continue on with their life, cherishing the memories, thinking back fondly on occasion, and realizing that any potential suffering they had is no longer an issue for them.

    In a sense, she's grieving. It's totally acceptable. He just died, cut her some slack and let her grieve.

    Your last comment was disgusting and completely unacceptable and inappropriate, Torpedo.
     
  20. cdarro

    cdarro New Member

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    Well said, Jeff Black.
     
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