Dealing with heartbreaks

kbj23

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So i am about a couple of weeks new here and i dont know if this has been discussed here, but i need some honest opinions and advise. Please no judgements!

For context, i am bisexual, but lean more towards older men.
For the last 2 years, i have been in a 'situationship-relationship' with a man: long distance. I really wanted it to be a full blown relationship, however, he insisted on it remaining friendship. But the kind that is super deep and intimate as he didnt want to put a 'label' to what we had.
He swore to me i was the only person in his life, and at first i didnt want to belief, but eventually, i got carried away and sort of accepted all he said. Anytime he came down, we met and had some fun. I always felt he has been hiding stuff from me, but couldnt place my hands on what exactly as he kept a pretty low profile.
He recently came over and i chanced on a message he had with several guys, some of whom he claimed are his adopted sons.
To cut the long story short, i found out he had affair with someone else during one of his trips here and he lied to me about it.
I honestly thought i was strong and was over 'cheating' like these, but i feel really broken and disturbed. I can barely concentrate or engage in anything.

I think i have got my heart broken.
What do i do?
 
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Well, you said he insisted on the relationship remaining just friends. Reading into it, friends with benefits.

But if you're looking for exclusivity, it doesn't look like it will be with him.

Hopefully, this will put a smile on your face. And I hope you find someone about whom you won't be able to write a hit song!

 
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kbj23

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Well, you said he insisted on the relationship remaining just friends. Reading into it, friends with benefits.

But if you're looking for exclusivity, it doesn't look like it will be with him.

Hopefully, this will put a smile on your face. And I hope you find someone about whom you won't be able to write a hit song!

Thanks Jax Guy for the song and words. I truly appreciate the feedback.
Yes he mentioned friendship, but i figured it was exclusively me as he kept promising me love and fidelity
I must have been real blind and stupid for falling for him
 
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ILoveGames48

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People go reading stuff like this man or woman cheated on me.. then the words begin.. men are pigs and women are sluts..

I’ve learned alot of men and women will say I love you.. I don’t want anyone else but you .. and so on ..

But it’s alot to get you to stay with them.. mostly using you for sex or hopefully you’ll buy them something because you love them ..

I’ve been there few times and realized they never buy me anything to prove their love for me..


So it makes it hard to go out and find someone else to fall in love with and hope the cycle doesn’t repeat itself..

It’s something we all need to deal with at some point in our lives..

But then if with someone for years then cheating can still occur .. my mom cheated on my stepdad after being married for 14 years ( sad part about it was the guy she cheated with lived with us as he was divorcing his wife .. and not only find out he was screwing my mom he was screwing me to.. she was upset when she found that out)

Then my stepdad was gone for few weeks but came back says he loved her and was willing to forgive her and give their marriage a second chance .. now they been married total of 32 years …


So it’s hard to find love.. .. just try to not fall into the same pattern as last time..

Best of luck
 

marriedasian

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Unless both you and him agreed on exclusivity, you have no reason to get upset. Sounds like he made it clear that the relationship was nothing more than friends. You carried it further all on your own.

My advice is to cut your losses and leave this friendship. Sounds like it will only hurt you in the long run. Possibly even more than it already has.
 
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kbj23

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People go reading stuff like this man or woman cheated on me.. then the words begin.. men are pigs and women are sluts..

I’ve learned alot of men and women will say I love you.. I don’t want anyone else but you .. and so on ..

But it’s alot to get you to stay with them.. mostly using you for sex or hopefully you’ll buy them something because you love them ..

I’ve been there few times and realized they never buy me anything to prove their love for me..


So it makes it hard to go out and find someone else to fall in love with and hope the cycle doesn’t repeat itself..

It’s something we all need to deal with at some point in our lives..

But then if with someone for years then cheating can still occur .. my mom cheated on my stepdad after being married for 14 years ( sad part about it was the guy she cheated with lived with us as he was divorcing his wife .. and not only find out he was screwing my mom he was screwing me to.. she was upset when she found that out)

Then my stepdad was gone for few weeks but came back says he loved her and was willing to forgive her and give their marriage a second chance .. now they been married total of 32 years …


So it’s hard to find love.. .. just try to not fall into the same pattern as last time..

Best of luck
Thanks deeply appreciated
 

kbj23

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Unless both you and him agreed on exclusivity, you have no reason to get upset. Sounds like he made it clear that the relationship was nothing more than friends. You carried it further all on your own.

My advice is to cut your losses and leave this friendship. Sounds like it will only hurt you in the long run. Possibly even more than it already has.
He promised me exclusivity, although wanting to just stay friends.
And he wanted same from me.
He told me he had never been with a guy, and i would be the only one he would be with
So imagine my hurt finding out he lied...
 
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marriedasian

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He promised me exclusivity, although wanting to just stay friends.

This is of itself self-contradictory. How would anyone commit to another as only friends and not pursue others as non-friends. This should have been your first red flag.

To be fair, if he was treating others as non-friends then he would be within the bounds of his commitment to you. He was exclusively your friend while having fun with non-friends.


And he wanted same from me.
He told me he had never been with a guy, and i would be the only one he would be with
So imagine my hurt finding out he lied...

You have every right to be upset that he lied to you and that's it. Everything else seemed fair game to me. I'd dump him for being a liar alone.

You should walk away from this person. Sounds like he was saying what you wanted to hear and it worked. The terms of this relationship was messed up from the get-go. Just walk away and consider it a lesson learned for the next time.
 
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kbj23

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This is of itself self-contradictory. How would anyone commit to another as only friends and not pursue others as non-friends. This should have been your first red flag.

To be fair, if he was treating others as non-friends then he would be within the bounds of his commitment to you. He was exclusively your friend while having fun with non-friends.




You have every right to be upset that he lied to you and that's it. Everything else seemed fair game to me. I'd dump him for being a liar alone.

You should walk away from this person. Sounds like he was saying what you wanted to hear and it worked. The terms of this relationship was messed up from the get-go. Just walk away and consider it a lesson learned for the next time.
Thanks mate
I am no longer with him....this happened in July...thought i was completely over him until he reached out to me again...and the hurt and pain came back: more painful than before.
To make it all worse, he keeps lying to me
I dont want to have anything to do with him. But it really hurts....
 

ILoveGames48

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I often wonder if a man or woman can be truly faithful.. .. there’s things out there that leads curiousity for a while to sometimes actually doing it.. from wanting a guy with bigger dick to fuck you because your boyfriend isn’t hung ..

And to do things that you boyfriend/girlfriend won’t do ..

A friend of mine was dating this girl for nearly 4 years .. he’d do everything in the bedroom she wanted . But when it came time to do what he wanted to do or try she would tell him no..

So he talks it out with a gay friend(me) tells me all he wants her to do was finger and lick his asshole( he did her because she wanted him to.. but she backed out when it came to her turn to do him)

And he wanted to be sucked off and his cum swallowed … he’d been with 7 girls as he said if it was true or not.. but none of them would do it.. one even went as far to call him a queer for wanting his asshole played with ..


I looked at him ( as I thought he was hot as hell anyway— and loved the fact he was telling me all this)

But I looked at him told him stop at my place on way home from work ( we worked same place I just lived closer to work than he did )

So I took a shower there was a knock on the door it was him.. and he took a shower.. I put his dirty clothes. In washer as he was going to stay with me and leave from there to go to work. So he was naked . I gave him a sheet to cover with but he went around flashing his cock so the sheet was useless ..

I sat on the couch told him drop that sheet and let’s see what got to work with.. he thought I was just talking about his cock as he was hard and he stroked it couple times and I said turn around .. he does .. told him bend over put his hands on the table ..
I got up walked behind him got on my knees and slid my nose into his crack and slid my tongue over his asshole..

I think from then on he did a lot more than intended but it was the fact he enjoyed all of it ..

( I’ll tell what happened if wanna know.. just ask)

Couple weeks later he comes over backpack full of clothes and his car packed with his belongings ..

He tells me that if she didn’t do what he wanted he will find someone else that will.. she got pissed threw a bunch of things and kicked him out.. he couldn’t say nothing as it was her apartment ..

I told him he didn’t need her if she wasn’t going to satisfy his needs like he had satisfied hers
 
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kbj23

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I often wonder if a man or woman can be truly faithful.. .. there’s things out there that leads curiousity for a while to sometimes actually doing it.. from wanting a guy with bigger dick to fuck you because your boyfriend isn’t hung ..

And to do things that you boyfriend/girlfriend won’t do ..

A friend of mine was dating this girl for nearly 4 years .. he’d do everything in the bedroom she wanted . But when it came time to do what he wanted to do or try she would tell him no..

So he talks it out with a gay friend(me) tells me all he wants her to do was finger and lick his asshole( he did her because she wanted him to.. but she backed out when it came to her turn to do him)

And he wanted to be sucked off and his cum swallowed … he’d been with 7 girls as he said if it was true or not.. but none of them would do it.. one even went as far to call him a queer for wanting his asshole played with ..


I looked at him ( as I thought he was hot as hell anyway— and loved the fact he was telling me all this)

But I looked at him told him stop at my place on way home from work ( we worked same place I just lived closer to work than he did )

So I took a shower there was a knock on the door it was him.. and he took a shower.. I put his dirty clothes. In washer as he was going to stay with me and leave from there to go to work. So he was naked . I gave him a sheet to cover with but he went around flashing his cock so the sheet was useless ..

I sat on the couch told him drop that sheet and let’s see what got to work with.. he thought I was just talking about his cock as he was hard and he stroked it couple times and I said turn around .. he does .. told him bend over put his hands on the table ..
I got up walked behind him got on my knees and slid my nose into his crack and slid my tongue over his asshole..

I think from then on he did a lot more than intended but it was the fact he enjoyed all of it ..

( I’ll tell what happened if wanna know.. just ask)

Couple weeks later he comes over backpack full of clothes and his car packed with his belongings ..

He tells me that if she didn’t do what he wanted he will find someone else that will.. she got pissed threw a bunch of things and kicked him out.. he couldn’t say nothing as it was her apartment ..

I told him he didn’t need her if she wasn’t going to satisfy his needs like he had satisfied hers
Hmmm
 

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I don't think there's a proper way to deal with a broken heart, obviously you will feel anxious, sad, not worthy of love, tired and sometimes you'll space out without noticing it, so I'd say baby steps, you'll pull through eventually.
 
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kbj23

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I don't think there's a proper way to deal with a broken heart, obviously you will feel anxious, sad, not worthy of love, tired and sometimes you'll space out without noticing it, so I'd say baby steps, you'll pull through eventually.
Thanks mate.
i appreciate this
 
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I often wonder if a man or woman can be truly faithful.. .. there’s things out there that leads curiousity for a while to sometimes actually doing it.. from wanting a guy with bigger dick to fuck you because your boyfriend isn’t hung ..

And to do things that you boyfriend/girlfriend won’t do ..

A friend of mine was dating this girl for nearly 4 years .. he’d do everything in the bedroom she wanted . But when it came time to do what he wanted to do or try she would tell him no..

So he talks it out with a gay friend(me) tells me all he wants her to do was finger and lick his asshole( he did her because she wanted him to.. but she backed out when it came to her turn to do him)

And he wanted to be sucked off and his cum swallowed … he’d been with 7 girls as he said if it was true or not.. but none of them would do it.. one even went as far to call him a queer for wanting his asshole played with ..


I looked at him ( as I thought he was hot as hell anyway— and loved the fact he was telling me all this)

But I looked at him told him stop at my place on way home from work ( we worked same place I just lived closer to work than he did )

So I took a shower there was a knock on the door it was him.. and he took a shower.. I put his dirty clothes. In washer as he was going to stay with me and leave from there to go to work. So he was naked . I gave him a sheet to cover with but he went around flashing his cock so the sheet was useless ..

I sat on the couch told him drop that sheet and let’s see what got to work with.. he thought I was just talking about his cock as he was hard and he stroked it couple times and I said turn around .. he does .. told him bend over put his hands on the table ..
I got up walked behind him got on my knees and slid my nose into his crack and slid my tongue over his asshole..

I think from then on he did a lot more than intended but it was the fact he enjoyed all of it ..

( I’ll tell what happened if wanna know.. just ask)

Couple weeks later he comes over backpack full of clothes and his car packed with his belongings ..

He tells me that if she didn’t do what he wanted he will find someone else that will.. she got pissed threw a bunch of things and kicked him out.. he couldn’t say nothing as it was her apartment ..

I told him he didn’t need her if she wasn’t going to satisfy his needs like he had satisfied hers
i need to hear the rest of that story
 

BigDixRule

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So i am about a couple of weeks new here and i dont know if this has been discussed here, but i need some honest opinions and advise. Please no judgements!

For context, i am bisexual, but lean more towards older men.
For the last 2 years, i have been in a 'situationship-relationship' with a man: long distance. I really wanted it to be a full blown relationship, however, he insisted on it remaining friendship. But the kind that is super deep and intimate as he didnt want to put a 'label' to what we had.
He swore to me i was the only person in his life, and at first i didnt want to belief, but eventually, i got carried away and sort of accepted all he said. Anytime he came down, we met and had some fun. I always felt he has been hiding stuff from me, but couldnt place my hands on what exactly as he kept a pretty low profile.
He recently came over and i chanced on a message he had with several guys, some of whom he claimed are his adopted sons.
To cut the long story short, i found out he had affair with someone else during one of his trips here and he lied to me about it.
I honestly thought i was strong and was over 'cheating' like these, but i feel really broken and disturbed. I can barely concentrate or engage in anything.

I think i have got my heart broken.
What do i do?
Your story sounds very similar to mine.

We met through Craigslist and after a few emails back and forth, decided to meet up. That first day meeting was very nerve racking for me, but we became what I would label as lovers. Not because that's what I wanted it to be but because that is what I felt it was given the circumstances. He would say how he missed me and needed me every now and again. One time he sent me an email saying what will it take for me to see you again. He's the first person to ever tell me they were physically attracted to me. He had a high sex drive and oftentimes, if I am being completely honest, I felt like he was making love to me. Outta nowhere he began saying he cared for me which confused me because that is unusual for a friend with benefits situation, especially one where you weren't already friends prior to the first time being intimate.

He would often show up at my job which is a place he used to volunteer at. He would pop up to see me at work and because he never told me he was coming, he'd often catch me on my day off as I worked three days a week. I wanted us to be friends most of all and not just sex buddies. We had the same interests though we never talked about it like friends would. More than sex, I wanted us to be friends. Someone who I could have over and watch some TV. We would go through these long gaps in seeing each other where I would get frustrated with him because he never made time for me and our conversations over text would end in "gotta go, talk to you later." So on the last day I saw him in person, he dropped in conversation that he was seeing someone. A girl. Someone who he was in a relationship with. He completely omitted this from any dialogue we had and hearing that made me angry because he put me in a situation where I was the other person and I didn't like that at all.

I stopped all flirty talk with him for about 2 years because there was no reason for me to be flirting with a guy who isn't taking advantage of seeing me when he wanted to. It was him doing the flirting, talking about fucking me, talking about my dick and his dick inside me while I was on the end of that kinda language. For a long time, I wanted to confront him about his true feelings for me because he was sending me mixed signals with the mentioning of caring for me, being delicate with me, showing up at my job. For strangers, this is something you don't do. When I finally got the chance to confront him, I also told him how I felt about him, basically saying I fell for him. I had love for him. Not that I was IN love with him. After he read that, he took control of the conversation real quick and "dumped" me like we were in some sorta relationship. We were but he will never admit to it because he was fucking around while in a real relationship and just using me. He told me he will never be physical with me again and that he was gonna marry the woman he was seeing. He's telling me all this like we were friends and I cared to hear about his other relationship. I told him how I felt, asked him how he felt, he ignored the question and that was the last we spoke and saw of each other. I should mention, that last week that we spoke, I asked him to send me a new photo of himself because honestly, it had been so long since I last saw him, I began to forget his face. He sent me a dick pic with his selfie. Doing shit like that while he's allegedly in a relationship with someone he was finna marry.

Our situationship was a relationship, only I was the only person to see it for what it was. Falling for him was just a consequence of my big heart. We were intimate many times, not just had sex but showered together and had fun. He was afraid to reveal how I think he felt and had to "man up" and take control of the convo between us to let me down gently saying he will never be physical with me again. He's a coward and I got used. But I always think about him because in a sense, he was my first love. Unreturned, but my first nonetheless. Moral of the story is, you sneak around with a stranger and that karma will come back to you I guess. Only, I wasn't in a prior relationship. He was. Just because we were fucking didn't mean I enjoyed being made the other person in his uncertainty regarding his bisexuality. I think about this man nearly every day and that is because I am always seeing someone who looks like him on TV, outside. He made me FEEL, then he took that power over me and made it hurt. Some people like myself don't get over stuff like that.

Sorry if my story was ranty. Talking about him always ends up in a rant.
 
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kbj23

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Your story sounds very similar to mine.

We met through Craigslist and after a few emails back and forth, decided to meet up. That first day meeting was very nerve racking for me, but we became what I would label as lovers. Not because that's what I wanted it to be but because that is what I felt it was given the circumstances. He would say how he missed me and needed me every now and again. One time he sent me an email saying what will it take for me to see you again. He's the first person to ever tell me they were physically attracted to me. He had a high sex drive and oftentimes, if I am being completely honest, I felt like he was making love to me. Outta nowhere he began saying he cared for me which confused me because that is unusual for a friend with benefits situation, especially one where you weren't already friends prior to the first time being intimate.

He would often show up at my job which is a place he used to volunteer at. He would pop up to see me at work and because he never told me he was coming, he'd often catch me on my day off as I worked three days a week. I wanted us to be friends most of all and not just sex buddies. We had the same interests though we never talked about it like friends would. More than sex, I wanted us to be friends. Someone who I could have over and watch some TV. We would go through these long gaps in seeing each other where I would get frustrated with him because he never made time for me and our conversations over text would end in "gotta go, talk to you later." So on the last day I saw him in person, he dropped in conversation that he was seeing someone. A girl. Someone who he was in a relationship with. He completely omitted this from any dialogue we had and hearing that made me angry because he put me in a situation where I was the other person and I didn't like that at all.

I stopped all flirty talk with him for about 2 years because there was no reason for me to be flirting with a guy who isn't taking advantage of seeing me when he wanted to. It was him doing the flirting, talking about fucking me, talking about my dick and his dick inside me while I was on the end of that kinda language. For a long time, I wanted to confront him about his true feelings for me because he was sending me mixed signals with the mentioning of caring for me, being delicate with me, showing up at my job. For strangers, this is something you don't do. When I finally got the chance to confront him, I also told him how I felt about him, basically saying I fell for him. I had love for him. Not that I was IN love with him. After he read that, he took control of the conversation real quick and "dumped" me like we were in some sorta relationship. We were but he will never admit to it because he was fucking around while in a real relationship and just using me. He told me he will never be physical with me again and that he was gonna marry the woman he was seeing. He's telling me all this like we were friends and I cared to hear about his other relationship. I told him how I felt, asked him how he felt, he ignored the question and that was the last we spoke and saw of each other. I should mention, that last week that we spoke, I asked him to send me a new photo of himself because honestly, it had been so long since I last saw him, I began to forget his face. He sent me a dick pic with his selfie. Doing shit like that while he's allegedly in a relationship with someone he was finna marry.

Our situationship was a relationship, only I was the only person to see it for what it was. Falling for him was just a consequence of my big heart. We were intimate many times, not just had sex but showered together and had fun. He was afraid to reveal how I think he felt and had to "man up" and take control of the convo between us to let me down gently saying he will never be physical with me again. He's a coward and I got used. But I always think about him because in a sense, he was my first love. Unreturned, but my first nonetheless. Moral of the story is, you sneak around with a stranger and that karma will come back to you I guess. Only, I wasn't in a prior relationship. He was. Just because we were fucking didn't mean I enjoyed being made the other person in his uncertainty regarding his bisexuality. I think about this man nearly every day and that is because I am always seeing someone who looks like him on TV, outside. He made me FEEL, then he took that power over me and made it hurt. Some people like myself don't get over stuff like that.

Sorry if my story was ranty. Talking about him always ends up in a rant.
I completely get you....and that power he took. .thats exactly what i felt.

Being in a situationship is indeed a relationship (bar all the labels)...and like you i fell for him.
It never gets easy, but i am sure we will heal and find someone...or something better

Cheers...happy holidays!
 
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BigDixRule

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I completely get you....and that power he took. .thats exactly what i felt.

Being in a situationship is indeed a relationship (bar all the labels)...and like you i fell for him.
It never gets easy, but i am sure we will heal and find someone...or something better

Cheers...happy holidays!
Happy Holidays to you too. :)
 
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