dealing with the menopause

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by bhram, Oct 21, 2011.

  1. bhram

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    i wasn't sure if i should put this in here, or in the relationships forum (i can move it later if it is in the wrong place)

    i want to know if anyone can provide me with some insight, or advice with dealing with the menopause and understanding what it is women are going through so i can channel my feelings and emotions better.

    i have an older partner who is currently experiencing the menopause and naturally the bedroom department has hit a bit of a stalemate. when things do get steamy, i find that my performance has suffered which isn't great when it isn't frequent in the first place.

    i don't want to come across as insensitive or supporting, nor do i wish to come across as patronising or a bit of a dick when discussing this with my lady.

    any help is appreciated, either in here or in a PM if people don't wish to talk publically :)
     
  2. vibrationzzz

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    I thought for years before the great learning that menopause meant a break from men.

    Support, love, be there when wanted, needed or not.
     
    #2 vibrationzzz, Oct 21, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2011
  3. Riven650

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    My wife is 4 years older than me and she went into menopause in her mid 40s. The most obvious problem for her was a significant loss of strength and energy, but it also reduced her sex drive, and her vagina no longer lubricated as freely. Our doctor put her on HRT, and that helped, but she suffered 'spotting' (rather unpleasant, random, vaginal bleed) which really put me off performing oral sex on her. The changes shook her confidence in her sexiness too, and our once brilliant sex life became very difficult to maintain. She tried a few different types of HRT but as a doctor told us, "you can't really turn the clock back", so we had to accept that things were different now. The main difference was that we now had a sex drive mis-match.

    Then a few years later she found a breast lump. It was an aggressive cancer and she had to have a mastectomy. The cancer had spread beyond the breast area, so she also had radiotherapy and chemotherapy, followed by hormone treatment (Tamoxifen) to starve the cancer of oestorgen. This plunged her even more deeply into menopause, and coupled with the damage to her self image, you can imagine that sex was the last thing on her mind. It's a very long story, but her cancer progressed and 3 1/2 years ago became terminal (it cropped up again as brain tumors), so it's a rocky ride. However when she's feeling fitter, between bouts of treatments we do have some sex, and amazingly, the last time we fucked she nearly came! But her tumor markers (a blood test for cancer activity) are rising faster than ever, so it isn't going to be long before she's on another chemo, and that always makes her ill. The last thing on her mind then is sex, but of course I'm still basically 'firing on all cylinders'. I know it sounds a bit drastic, but in recent years I've occasionally taken a drug called cyproterone acetate to calm my sex drive. I've never taken it for longer than 8 days, but the effects last for several weeks and it buys me some time off feeling so frustrated. It effectively stops me thinking about finding someone who wants a fuck as badly as I do. My wife wouldn't have suggested I do it, but she does enjoy my making an obvious effort to stay in the same place as her, and it has been good for our sense of closeness. Funnily enough that sense of closeness has often resulted in our having very good sex, which seems really against the odds (considering that my testosterone levels would have been very low at the time) but it underscores the importance of closeness in your sex life. Bottom line is that sex drive really is partly in your head.

    Your performance issues may be part of your questioning how you feel about your new situation. Don't worry about it though. I'd suggest you do plenty of talking with your wife and make sure you find ways to reassure her that you love her and that she's still 'the one'.
     
    #3 Riven650, Oct 21, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2011
  4. MrsRiven

    MrsRiven New Member

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    Hi brham,
    One thing I wanted to add to my husband's post (above): After menopause I still wanted sex, although not as much as before. But my body was not the same - it didn't make the same sexy smells (either before or after sex), the pheromones just weren't working. Riven said that I no longer smelt like the sexy wife he was used to, so it was difficult for him to really believe that I wanted sex. And when we were having sex we were both aware that my body was not responding the same way as before eg. less responsive vagina, no self-lubrication, much more difficult to reach orgasm, etc. All of this made him feel less wanted and damaged his sexual self-esteem because he wasn't getting the feedback he was used to. These factors may well be affecting your performance too. But you will both adjust to the new situation and by reducing the focus on penetrative sex and orgasm, and focusing instead on touching, closeness, etc. you can both keep your confidence rather than feeling inadequate or that you have both lost something. Mostly you need to keep talking and letting each other know that you find each other sexy and desirable.
    Hope this is useful.
     
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