Dealing with your SO's friends in an exclusive relationship

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by ConstantComment, Jun 3, 2011.

  1. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    Are you happy with the friendships that your SO has? Or do you feel that one or two of them have a sense of entitlement when they deal with your SO and, by default, with you?

    How have you dealt with that? Also mention whether you're in a hetero or same sex relationship.
     
  2. AlteredEgo

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    My husband only has one person he considers a friend. We have bonded over the fact that my mother in-law doesn't like either of us. He's cool. Some other folks I think of as his friends he recently said are just "people from work; when we move, we'll never speak to them again."

    One such person from work removed us both from his FaceBook page because I remained friends with his ex-girlfriend after they broke up. Um, hello? If he didn't want me to be her friend, why did he make her my belay partner at the rock wall? I have entrusted my life and limbs to her on may occasions. Naturally we are homies for life.

    Other than that, no weirdness with any of his friends. We are a mixed-gender couple.
     
  3. HiddenLacey

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    :tongue: I laughed, seriously that is so childish.

    My best girl friend whom I've known since 5th grade dated a guy for 7 years, when they broke up I was still friends with the guy. Her Mom asked me if I was going to start dating him... HELLO:mad: that would be like dating my brother:mad: I know more about that guy than I ever wanted to, relationship wise he's off limits, but he's such a cool guy who's absolutely became my friend over the years.

    OP: I've never really had problems with a partner's friends. Sometimes I might not care for them, but I'll still be cordial them out of respect for my partner.
     
    #3 HiddenLacey, Jun 3, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2011
  4. CascadeMDG

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    Speaking as an SO friend, I've always found this sort of behavior rather odd.

    I've known my best friend for 12 years. I've helped him through nasty breakups, serious financial problems, suicide attempts, drug overdoses, his first marriage and first divorce, the birth of his first child, etc. But he lives in another state, so while we stay in regular contact via phone and email, I don't physically see him more than twice per year when one of us flies out to see the other.

    Once I flew out to visit on a New Years vacation, and stayed with him and his girlfriend. Over the course of two days, she became incredibly upset at me because he wanted me to accompany them to everything they did (rather than spending hundreds of $$ to fly out, just to sit in their house by myself). During one New Years Party, she blatantly screamed at me when I asked to join a game of poker. This prompted a fight between them. I left them alone and watched TV until they were ready to leave, and she didn't speak a single word to me for the remainder of my trip (2 more days).

    The sense of entitlement goes both ways. IMHO, get used to being the most important person in your SO's life, but never confuse that with being the only person requiring their attention. Otherwise you look like a spoiled child.
     
    #4 CascadeMDG, Jun 3, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2011
  5. MickeyLee

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    nope.

    never had that problem in any of my relationships. with the boy and me ex-girlie our circles of friends looked more like a celtic knot. all over lapped and intertwined. break up have always been amicable so the drama and tension has been low.

    using my dude as an example.....

    i don't feel entitled to his time. always thought of the time he shares with me as gifted, not required.

    as far as friends feeling they have a right to my partner's time. they do. these are not random folks off the street, the boy run deep with his friends, from similac to college keggers. emotionally the group is invested in each other.

    not more important than me, but important to my boy. since his loyalty is part of his appeal, i wouldn't dream of him being any other way. and i don't begrudge his crew from wanting to spend time with my ultra-keen slice of studdliness.
     
  6. Sirramm

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    My ex-wife and I had a very close male friend who we spent the entire summer hanging out with. We traveled together and before long he was staying at our house for days at a time. He would always flirt with her and one day while having way too many beers SHE was the one that asked I'd mind if she had sex with him right there at that very moment while I watched! He went from SO to full time SO with benefits!
     
  7. MoociMan

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    I'm sorry to break in, but, what is a SO?
     
  8. AlteredEgo

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    No he didn't. Your wife was your SO. Your friend became a friend with benefits.

    Significant other.
     
  9. dolfette

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    nope, never been an issue.
    there's been pals of exes that i hated, so i prefered it if they went somewhere else together and left me home alone. i didn't really like them spending time together in our house because it's my home and should be my refuge. but, yeah, as long as you're happy with them leaving you at home then it shouldn't be an issue.
     
  10. AlteredEgo

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    Now, I do sometimes feel my husband's parents have a sense of entitlement. I generally do not begrudge it to them. However, if we spend hundreds of dollars on plane tickets to Puerto Rico, and stay there for well over a week, I would like them to understand that is our only vacation for that half of the year, and we might not want to spend every waking minute with them, and since I no longer attend church regularly, and cannot think in Spanish but instead must actively translate every Spanish word into English, I may not want to go to their church every Sunday I am there. Why is it a crime for me to go to the space museum instead? Why can't we go alone to some beach-side restaurant and have a romantic lunch or dinner? Can we please watch one television program, or listen to one radio broadcast in English? Translating 16-18 hours a day is exhausting! But my in-laws feel entitled to certain things, and my gentle protests seem completely outrageous to them.
     
  11. D_Rufus_D_Dufus

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    My in-laws and I have a love-hate relationship.

    As for my wife's friends I like most of them. They're the typical upscale plastic that run around LA and don't do anything but shop, eat, throw up what they just ate, and then meet for drinks and appetizers.
     
  12. Guy-jin

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    That's an interesting definition of "friend".

    "Someone who I'll still speak to after moving away."

    No wonder he only has one friend. :smile:
     
  13. nudeyorker

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    I've really never had any issues with my partner(s). Currently we share many friends equally that one or the other brought to the recipe.
    I have had a couple of incidents in the past where the new partner of a close friend found me to be a threat for some reason and made my friend choose between us. I made it easy for both and just walked away because I never wanted to be an ingredient in an obviously doomed relationship. (Both are divorced or parted BTW)
     
  14. Stephenmass

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    I wouldn't dream of taking away my SO's friends. Friends are important in most everyone's lives. I will admit to not liking ALL of them, but for the most part I enjoy their company and hope they enjoy mine even though we only met through my significant other. And if he wants to get out with his friends here and there that's cool with me as long as I have trust in him and I do. To try to control his friends or have him try to control mine would be a big mistake. That smothers a relationship.
     
  15. AlteredEgo

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    That's not his definition, I don't know who told you that. However, someone who is a friend is someone he'd care enough to maintain a relationship with while we keep moving every few years for his job. He has nothing emotionally invested in any of those people. Why should he stay in touch when we move?

    I do not appreciate your implication that there is something wrong with my husband, about whom you know nothing.
     
  16. dolfette

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    there's nothing wrong with not needing a huge social circle, sausage girl. some people are more self sufficient than others.
     
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