Seems that he still considers you a kid rather than adult. I don't believe there is a parent/adult child relationship
True. No one who truly wants to stir up shit likes it when the other person refuses to cooperate. It's the best possible response.
For about 15 years, I didn't speak much with my parents and didn't see them often. Thirty minutes was the outside limit of how long I could stand to be around them. It got so bad that once, when I was in my twenties, I drove 10 hours to see them for Christmas. My mother met me at the door with a negative, hurtful comment. I turned around, got back in the car, and drove back home. Yes, 20 hours of driving in one day. And I didn't respond to the answering machine message my mother left for me saying "Why did you leave?" I figured if she thought about it long enough, she'd figure it out.
Within the last six months, though, the amount of time I can stand to be around them has increased to about four hours. It's basically due to the mindset hockeycock has described above. I keep telling myself "water off a duck's back, water off a duck's back, stay calm, stay calm," and I don't respond to little nasty, spiteful jibes from my mother. If she doesn't speak to me politely, I don't respond to her. It's like she's not even in the room. And she hates that, so she has learned to be polite if she wants to communicate with me.
It's all about bringing up your parents the right way. :smile:
NCbear (who understands and sympathizes, but who also knows it's time for you to break the cycle, jason)
horneyoldguy
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You need to set the ground rules with your father. You are 41 and not at his beck and call. You are your own man and you have to tell him so.
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This is a tough position to find yourself in Jason and I feel for you as I went through some of this with my father before he passed away. A couple of things stick out to me through all of the wonderful advice you've gotten here:
That is very true and something that you may want to think about getting checked with him. Ask others that deal with him day to day if they have noticed any odd changes in manners and behavior.
This was my father and then my mother fell ill with cancer. He checked himself into the psych ward, then checked himself out and after my mother died, he fell into a spiral that finally ended in complete paranoid schizophenia. My father refused my pleas to talk to his doctor and he just kept getting worse to a point we were going to forcefully take him to the doctor, but he passed before we could do that.
Another thought comes to mind though. You do a lot for your dad around the house. Large appliance purchases, upkeep, etc. This is no small outlay of cash. Now, here is your dad, seemingly a very organized man with a very military and regimented sense of life. If one of the components of his regeimented life is "taking care of his family", he may be acting out as a result of your doing for him.
All the things you do he may feel he should be doing because he is the father. Because you are doing them, he may be harboring some feelings of failiure deep down. Where ordinarily one would be thankful for such help from a child, your dad hates being shown that he is either in a lesser financial state or physically unable to do these things and you, through your good deeds, have pointed that out to him. How can he combat that? By making you a failure in his eyes.
I know this sounds way out there, but I saw this play out between my grandfather and uncle.
Whatever goes on Jason, you sound like a very good caring son and truly concerned about your dad's welfare. Don't ever change that part of your being. It's part of what makes you a truly good man.
That is very true and something that you may want to think about getting checked with him. Ask others that deal with him day to day if they have noticed any odd changes in manners and behavior.
This was my father and then my mother fell ill with cancer. He checked himself into the psych ward, then checked himself out and after my mother died, he fell into a spiral that finally ended in complete paranoid schizophenia. My father refused my pleas to talk to his doctor and he just kept getting worse to a point we were going to forcefully take him to the doctor, but he passed before we could do that.
Another thought comes to mind though. You do a lot for your dad around the house. Large appliance purchases, upkeep, etc. This is no small outlay of cash. Now, here is your dad, seemingly a very organized man with a very military and regimented sense of life. If one of the components of his regeimented life is "taking care of his family", he may be acting out as a result of your doing for him.
All the things you do he may feel he should be doing because he is the father. Because you are doing them, he may be harboring some feelings of failiure deep down. Where ordinarily one would be thankful for such help from a child, your dad hates being shown that he is either in a lesser financial state or physically unable to do these things and you, through your good deeds, have pointed that out to him. How can he combat that? By making you a failure in his eyes.
I know this sounds way out there, but I saw this play out between my grandfather and uncle.
Whatever goes on Jason, you sound like a very good caring son and truly concerned about your dad's welfare. Don't ever change that part of your being. It's part of what makes you a truly good man.
I concur wholeheartedly with this post, but would add one thing: before you take this path, you do have an obligation to say, "I'm tired of your nasty, petty, spiteful attitude, even though I love you. From here on, I refuse to respond to you when you are being spiteful."
Years ago, when I was still in the military and stationed on the west coast, it was expensive to "fly home for the holidays," and on the dreadful pay I was getting at that time, a trip home cost almost a whole month's pay. One of my sisters had a tendency to be mean and spiteful. During one trip home, all my siblings and I were at Mom's house, and this one sister started in with me. I left, and walked around for a few hours until that sister had left. I had a talk with Mom after that, and (much as I hated to put it on her shoulders,) told her "I can't tell anyone what to do in your home, but I will not pay that kind of money for a plane ticket just to take her abuse. Either you tell her to behave in your home, or I don't come back." They had their talk, and Mom told her that if she could not be civil, she was not welcome. Sister did change her ways. The only reason she got away with it as long as she did, was because she was allowed to.
Just because someone is a relative, you don't have to accept unacceptable behavior from them.
True! Your relatives are simply other human beings who happen to be related to you.
How do you want to be treated, Jason? State your boundaries, limits, and desired treatment, and then stick to your statement. Refuse to relent. It's amazing how people will fall in line with your demand for reasonable treatment if you merely stand your ground.
NCbear (who thinks self-assertiveness is a good thing)
Jason,
I am fairly new to reading your posts. I just have a few questions for you. And also I wanted to tell you that I clicked on your photo gallery. And you are smoking hot. I think you are a really nice looking guy. Hope you don't mind compliments from a woman.
My question is......why are you living with your dad? Especially if he has physically and mentally abused you in the past?
I understand the ecomonic (money) reasons......but is there not anyone else you can live with that won't treat you badly?
Where is your mother? You say you have 2 sisters.....Also you say you went to bording school with wealthy people.....You can't hook up with one of them and do the same things for them that you do for your father? .......Maybe even get a sitting job taking care of elderly patients in their homes?
The reason why I am asking is because I am curious.
My 40 year old brother in law got addicted to Methamphetamine when he was in middle school and he dropped out of school. It has been a rollarcoaster ride with him. My mother in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 7 years ago. While she was fighting for her life I let my brother in law come live with us.....with certain conditions. He had to get a job.....he had to contribute to the family.....no drugs in my home. Everything worked out great. He came to live with us......I took him looking for jobs.....I filled out all the paperwork for him because he can't write. He didn't have a problem finding a job. The only thing I had to give up while he was living with us was practicing nudism in my home. He had the wrong idea about nudism and I just wasn't going to go there.....not with my husband's brother. Everything worked out fine for about 3 years and then he started getting homesick. He wanted to go back to Oklahoma.....And of course the first thing he did when he got back was to get back with his old friends and get right back into the drugs. But there have been several times when he sobered himself up......and he made the effort to go to drug rehab. And now because of all these years of abusing drugs he now has mental problems......and because of those drugs he now has diabetes.
My brother in law will never be able to live on his own. He can't be trusted with money (it is too tempting for him to fall back into the drug cycle) He doesn't care about any material possessions whether they are yours or his.
My brother in law is really handy helping out my mother and father in law. He does all the cooking, cleaning, lawn maintance.....anything they need done......and he pitches in on groceries with food stamps.
My father in law has never been what I would call physically or mentally abusive.....He just loses his patience with him. Like when he wants to go somewhere.....my brother-in-law always waits until the last minute to jump in the shower.....no matter what. I am sure he just wants to look and smell nice.....but it is really frustrating. Especially if we are trying to go somewhere as a large group.
I would just suggest ......if the way your dad treats you bothers you so much......change your scenery. See if you can't live with one of your other relatives. It might make your dad think. He might miss you and ask you to come back on your terms. He may be taking you for granted. And maybe he would be the one to realize that he needs to treat you better. You never really realize what you had until you lose it. He might realize how lonely his life would be without you in it.
One other thing......your dad may be starting to develope health problems like others have suggested. When men of late 60's start worrying about theirself.....that triggers the grumpy old man sydrome too. And nobody wants to be around them.
Sorry for writing a book. I hope your situation isn't anything like my brother in laws situation. I am hoping to make you feel better about whatever situation you are in.
I am truly thinking good thoughts for you......hoping that you will be led to know what to do to resolve the situation that you are in. I just know that I personally do not ever want to live my life with any regrets.
I am fairly new to reading your posts. I just have a few questions for you. And also I wanted to tell you that I clicked on your photo gallery. And you are smoking hot. I think you are a really nice looking guy. Hope you don't mind compliments from a woman.
My question is......why are you living with your dad? Especially if he has physically and mentally abused you in the past?
I understand the ecomonic (money) reasons......but is there not anyone else you can live with that won't treat you badly?
Where is your mother? You say you have 2 sisters.....Also you say you went to bording school with wealthy people.....You can't hook up with one of them and do the same things for them that you do for your father? .......Maybe even get a sitting job taking care of elderly patients in their homes?
The reason why I am asking is because I am curious.
My 40 year old brother in law got addicted to Methamphetamine when he was in middle school and he dropped out of school. It has been a rollarcoaster ride with him. My mother in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 7 years ago. While she was fighting for her life I let my brother in law come live with us.....with certain conditions. He had to get a job.....he had to contribute to the family.....no drugs in my home. Everything worked out great. He came to live with us......I took him looking for jobs.....I filled out all the paperwork for him because he can't write. He didn't have a problem finding a job. The only thing I had to give up while he was living with us was practicing nudism in my home. He had the wrong idea about nudism and I just wasn't going to go there.....not with my husband's brother. Everything worked out fine for about 3 years and then he started getting homesick. He wanted to go back to Oklahoma.....And of course the first thing he did when he got back was to get back with his old friends and get right back into the drugs. But there have been several times when he sobered himself up......and he made the effort to go to drug rehab. And now because of all these years of abusing drugs he now has mental problems......and because of those drugs he now has diabetes.
My brother in law will never be able to live on his own. He can't be trusted with money (it is too tempting for him to fall back into the drug cycle) He doesn't care about any material possessions whether they are yours or his.
My brother in law is really handy helping out my mother and father in law. He does all the cooking, cleaning, lawn maintance.....anything they need done......and he pitches in on groceries with food stamps.
My father in law has never been what I would call physically or mentally abusive.....He just loses his patience with him. Like when he wants to go somewhere.....my brother-in-law always waits until the last minute to jump in the shower.....no matter what. I am sure he just wants to look and smell nice.....but it is really frustrating. Especially if we are trying to go somewhere as a large group.
I would just suggest ......if the way your dad treats you bothers you so much......change your scenery. See if you can't live with one of your other relatives. It might make your dad think. He might miss you and ask you to come back on your terms. He may be taking you for granted. And maybe he would be the one to realize that he needs to treat you better. You never really realize what you had until you lose it. He might realize how lonely his life would be without you in it.
One other thing......your dad may be starting to develope health problems like others have suggested. When men of late 60's start worrying about theirself.....that triggers the grumpy old man sydrome too. And nobody wants to be around them.
Sorry for writing a book. I hope your situation isn't anything like my brother in laws situation. I am hoping to make you feel better about whatever situation you are in.
I am truly thinking good thoughts for you......hoping that you will be led to know what to do to resolve the situation that you are in. I just know that I personally do not ever want to live my life with any regrets.
Jason...i feel your pain. I have a 72yo mother who loves to push buttons. This year i had enough and we don't communicate any longer. I found out some things about this very self righteous woman who treated us like we were her personal inconvenience and that we were never worth anything to her short of a big disappointment. Now that i know better and that she wasn't this fine upstanding person she made herself out to be...i made a conscious choice to be sane and take her out of my life. But, you allow yourself to feel the way you feel...and frankly, you need to move out.
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