Death of a FWB

[justacynic]

Last week a FWB passed away from pneumonia complications resulting from chemotherapy. She was 40 years old (just a couple of months ago) and had been diagnosed back in 2008. I had only seen her once since the last hook up around 10 years ago and had only communicated sporadically via email since then until I joined Facebook shortly after she got diagnosed. Her passing was unexpected (to me) because her cancer, despite being stage 4, had started showing signs of shrinkage from the chemo. But her white blood cell counts had been down for months and I guess her system just got worn down too far.

She and I met online back in the days of AOL still being the mainstay ISP and trading pics still being a somewhat uncommon thing. You chatted for awhile and if that sparked interest, you met, and took it from there. I emailed her because her profile (another AOL thing from back in the days of 1997/1998) was about swing music, something I was really getting into at the time. Anyway, our correspondence led to three hookups, as I recall. Not mind-blowing or anything but what *did* happen each time that was new for me and very cool was simultaneous climax. We were pretty naturally compatible, i guess. She said I was the first guy to make her climax from regular sex and also the biggest she had had. (I am not huge at 6.75 long and 4.85 thick but hey, she was not the first to tell me that!) Anyway, fast forward a couple of years and I was having what I thought was a drought with my then-GF/now wife that had lasted about 2 1/2 months and she invited me over to help out. She had undergone gastric bypass since I had seen her and gone from a 5'2 gal weighing 185 with ginormous breasts to a very petite 125. That night and the next we had some of the best sex I have ever had. I still use those nights regularly as masturbation fodder. She climaxed 3 times each night and we covered all kinds of positions. The last night finished with an amazing missionary variation with me standing off the bed, her knees wrapped around my elbows as I braced my weight on the bed with my arms and was *pounding* her. And yet, somehow my balls were basically sitting/lazing on her asshole at the same time and it felt *so* good. Two fantastic nights.

Anyway, I was saddened by finding out about her death a few days ago on Facebook. The quandary was that I had nowhere to express this. All I told my wife was that an old friend, one I was not particularly close to or seen in years, had died of cancer. I think she assumed it was an old classmate. Nothing that merited a lengthy trip to a memorial, which I would have liked to have done. At the same time, I knew going to such a memorial would have been very awkward as she and I had never actually hung out in a social setting with any or her friends or mine. Finally, I don't have any guy friends immediately available to discuss this with since most of my current guy friends are also mutual friends with my wife.

So, here I am to say: I will miss Steph. She deserved far better in life. I treasure the sexual bond we shared. I hope she is in a better place. I regret that despite our mutual appreciation of swing music, we never danced together. I also regret never telling her that I still think of those nights from over 10 years ago

This experience has also made clear that I truly value the sexual experiences I have shared with other FWB/one night stands and I plan to let some of them I am still in touch with know that.

Anyway.....thanks to LPSG for the forum to express these thoughts.

 

[Thegirlforyou]

Sorry for your loss. Sometimes it is hard to find a place for expressing these things. I have a friend, a great friend, but due to the fact we live in different countries, and the fact he has a wife who knows nothing of our 13-14 year correspondence, I would never get to go to a funeral or anything like that. I might not even hear anything had happened to him.

Anyway, sorry again. I also need to appreciate the people in my life more I guess while they are here. Thanks for posting your story.

 

[Chase1600]

Hi cynic. I hope you find LPSG one reassuring place to express what you feel. I think your handle is a joke; no one who wrote that post can be very cynical. It is so touching. Of course you are wise understanding you can’t share your feelings with your wife and mutual friends. But don’t doubt yourself. Your grieving is entirely valid. No doubt there was much that was wonderful about her, you were privileged to see it, to know it, and to share a small part of your lives.

While it may pain to believe you’ll never really get to share your grieving with others who knew her, I see no reason for your doubting they exist. If you felt for her as you did, others did as well; I hope knowing it can be consoling and not disappointing. Surely you were as important to her as was she to you. Surely her much too shortened life was greatly enhanced because the two of you met. It will never change.

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

My condolences, mister.... LPSG is a safe place. At least you were able to know of her death, and here is a good place to talk about your feelings.

I know lots of people are here on the DL and I chat with lots of guys. Have become online friends with many pple. I wonder if I will ever know if anything happens (probably not). I do not facebook with anyone from here... not even the ones I become friends with. Why? No reason, just don't.

Thank you for sharing your story... bittersweet..

 

[helgaleena]

Your feelings are real and it's good that LPSG could be here for you. FWIW, I am glad to know that a FWB is still considered a friend no matter what by big hearted people such as yourself.

Nobody's going to live forever. Some would write a bad poem or go get drunk, to deal with such a hard to categorize yet undeniable loss. I honor this choice you made and hope she is in a better place.

 

[houtx48]

What the fuck is FWB? It's a rhetorical question

 

[Countryguy63]

Not sure why rhetorical , but FWB is Friends With Benefits

 

[B_enzia35]

RIP. I have a friend with MS...

 

[rawbone8]

With all due respect for your sad loss, I think you should ask the mods to remove some identifying info from your post. It's very unwise to leave so many breadcrumbs, out of respect for her and her family. Discretion is best.

 

[molotovmuffin]

I'm so sorry for you lose.

Thanks to fb...I have recently reconnected with a fwb from years past. Over 20 in fact. I was please to learn that he often thought and wondered what had happened to me, just as I had of him.

 

[justacynic]

Hi cynic. I hope you find LPSG one reassuring place to express what you feel. I think your handle is a joke; no one who wrote that post can be very cynical. It is so touching. Of course you are wise understanding you can’t share your feelings with your wife and mutual friends. But don’t doubt yourself. Your grieving is entirely valid. No doubt there was much that was wonderful about her, you were privileged to see it, to know it, and to share a small part of your lives.

While it may pain to believe you’ll never really get to share your grieving with others who knew her, I see no reason for your doubting they exist. If you felt for her as you did, others did as well; I hope knowing it can be consoling and not disappointing. Surely you were as important to her as was she to you. Surely her much too shortened life was greatly enhanced because the two of you met. It will never change.

Well, I do sometimes refer to myself as an optimistic cynic. :wink:

Others were and are much more severely impacted by her death. I merely provided her some comic relief on Facebook and her blog over the past few years and admired her attitude. We definitely both benefited from our sexual liaisons and bonded through it. It definitely helped to express my thoughts last night.

 

[justacynic]

Your feelings are real and it's good that LPSG could be here for you. FWIW, I am glad to know that a FWB is still considered a friend no matter what by big hearted people such as yourself.

Nobody's going to live forever. Some would write a bad poem or go get drunk, to deal with such a hard to categorize yet undeniable loss. I honor this choice you made and hope she is in a better place.

If toasting a drink to her memory were an option, I would. But full-time work with two little kids makes the opportunities few.

I appreciate that you honor my choice to express myself here and thank you. (And thanks to everyone for their expressions of support).

 

[justacynic]

With all due respect for your sad loss, I think you should ask the mods to remove some identifying info from your post. It's very unwise to leave so many breadcrumbs, out of respect for her and her family. Discretion is best.

I hear what you're saying. I doubt she would care but.....good point about family. Editing now commencing...

Edit: Ah. Was unaware there is a time limit to edit. Initiating moderator action...

 

[D_Chocho_Lippz]

I think it is interesting how people view FWB. Many times, even if it is just sex... we do have some sort of connection. I'd be affected to know that anyone I was FWB with passed away...

 

[helgaleena]

I always bristle when people think of FWB as 'just sex'. A sexual relationship is so extremely intimate and so potentially sacred that I would only do it with a friend, or more than friend.

That is the reason former 'sex workers' have such a lot of healing to do. The extreme nature of their sharing is terribly discounted and denigrated.

Edit: maybe this attitude is 'feminine' of me. Far more men than women actually prefer not to know who they are having sex with. But I don't think so; I think it's just having respect for something someone is doing for you. And in light of that, feeling grief for a FWB, even after many years as strangers, is not so weird.

 

[MrToolhung]

So sorry for your loss. It is hard losing anyone in your life that you have been touched by.