Death

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by str82fcuk, Nov 22, 2008.

  1. str82fcuk

    str82fcuk Member

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    My father died, a little sooner than expected, earlier this year. After receiving masses of condolences et cetera the first couple of weeks, suddenly friends and acquaintances fell into a deathly silence (admittedly I was also feeling very quiet and was busy processing for a few months).

    Anyway, since then I have discovered that the world is basically divided into two groups of people:

    A: Those people, normally older, who HAVE experienced the death of a very close friend or family member.

    B: Those people, normally younger, who HAVE NEVER experienced the death of a very close friend or family member.

    It is difficult to describe the change one experiences. I thought I was prepared, but I did not expect this, could not have foreseen it, and can barely describe it. But basically, the whole world seems completely different, and things that used to be terribly important are now suddenly utterly inconsequential.

    People who HAVE had this experience will know what I'm talking about and are usually quite willing to talk about it (once they have gotten over the initial shock, grief and mourning).

    People who HAVE NEVER had this experience are a bit like virgins: - naive, coquettish, awkward, insecure, confused, and misinformed; always dancing around, or trying to avoid, the SUBJECT.

    I wonder if any other guys (or gals) here at LPSG have experienced this, or have any insight into this (whether having experienced this or not).

    (I have to say I feel much more sensitive since this happened, but not necessarily in a bad way. More like, I am just more in touch with my feelings, sentiments, and emotions. If I read a sad story now I can easily start crying because I am more sensitive to other people's sense of pain and loss; whereas before I used to be much more 'controlled' about my emotions and could easily go for years without shedding a tear. It is like my emotions have been de-virginised. Maybe other people don't have to experience death for this to happen. Anyway I'm not sure why I was, and why so many people are, so afraid of crying!?)
     
  2. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I'm pretty down to talking about death and I'm not afraid to cry about things. I think your observation is very true. After someone older and closer to me committed suicide I was willing to talk through details even though others around me, including friends were not really that open to talking about it.
     
  3. Phil Ayesho

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    Death changes you.

    It brings home a genuine realization of mortality and the evanescence of everything you think of as the world.

    It brings into greater clarity the meaning of a history full of others who struggled, loved, laughed, cried and died....


    The same thing can be said of having children.

    Those who have had a child understand something about life that the childless can never even imagine.
     
  4. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    This is a very good truth what you said: the whole world seems completely different, and things that used to be terribly important are now suddenly utterly inconsequential

    It's hard to keep that in mind sometimes, I try, but fail at times. I do hve problems, but realise that I'm one of the lucky people here in the world. I'm sorry for you man. I never experienced a death of someone close, but I can see what you mean. But also sometimes you hae to see that a death of a person close to you is sometimes not as big of all the bad things that are going on in the world. But at least a death of a close person is much more worser than a stupid fight between people who don't know why they for what they were fighting for. I'm sorry for your lost man! Good luck. Hope your father had a good life.
     
  5. unabear09

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    I went thru something similar (I guess all death to an extent is similar in a sense) to what you did at the end of august. My grandfather, who had alzheimer's (he died from a combo of it and pneumonia), died after a 'short' (6 weeks) stint in the hospital. Most people are like, 'well he was your grandfather so whats the big deal' (I.E. the people you described in B). The big deal is, I spent about 45% of the first 13-14 years of my life with my grandfather and late grandmother, and in many ways.....he was a father to me. We had so many memories, together good and bad, and though our paths separated from each other until the last 2 months of his life, I still loved him.

    For the last 5 1/2 weeks of his life, I spent 6+ hours a day with him by his side. I assisted changing his diapers, feeding him, turning him and so forth. To watch anyone you love (or even hate) go thru this is sheer hell. When he died, I was devastated. I knew it was coming, the doctors had told me it was coming, and still it hurt so bad. My uncle came up with a great analogy for situations such as this..... Death (at least in the case of the elderly and the sick...not quick sudden death) is like a countdown. You start at 10, and you count down to 0. You know whats going to happen at Zero, and you prepare and brace yourself for the worst, and then Zero comes.

    Its like a punch in the face.

    It hurts....it stings and it leaves you sore for a period of time, and maybe even bruises you. With time, the sting goes away...the soreness wanes, and eventually the bruise disappears, but you are still left with the memory of the pain, and it still can hurt, even though the physical is gone.

    Its been...God....3 months tomorrow since he died. I still feel the hurt, the pain, the loss. Even though I know he's in a much better place...we all are.....I still long for him to be with me again. I wonder if that longing ever really goes away.

    Death changes a person. It has the ability to shake you to your very core. It can even destroy you if you let it.

    So I guess in response to your post...yes I agree with you 100%.

    Somewhat off subject but....I've noticed that certain things...events in life I guess you could say....come with...memory attachments.

    What I'm getting at is....well take for instant the last few weeks of my grandfathers life, the song I heard all the time on the radio was 'Rise Above This' (think that is the name of the song) by Seether. Every time I hear that song now....I tear up and I'm flooded with those emotions I dealt with during that time. I've noticed that so many different things correspond with memories in my life.

    When I smell a certain perfume, I'm reminded of my first love....and my first heart break. When I see a certain image, I'm transported back to a period of hurt or happiness in my life.

    It seems that smell and sound seem to be what bring back the most feelings though. Whenever a woman walks by wearing white diamonds (I think that's what it was) perfume, I'm reminded of my late grandmother. When I hear the song 'The Freshman' by the Verve Pipe, I think of my first year in high school, my loves, my hates, my ups, my downs. When I hear 'Hey Oh (Snow Song)' by the RHCP, I'm thrown back to last summer, when I came close to loosing my dad...

    What I'm getting at is....its funny how things go together in life. When a tragedy or a period of great joy occurs, there are so many big things that accompany them that, seemingly, would appear to be much more memorable than the mundane things. The big things still reside in our memories, but the small things seem to carry the emotion....

    Just a random thought.
     
    #5 unabear09, Nov 22, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2008
  6. Phil Ayesho

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    Hence the term for many things in life that those who have not lost anyone really don't get...


    Bittersweet.
     
  7. BIGDP

    BIGDP Member

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    My mother died suddenly several years ago, and I was very close to her.

    Like I said in an earlier thread, the first two years without her were very hard. I have always been fortunate (or blessed, if you will). My mom was loved by so many people, and the funeral chapel was full except for the last couple of rows. It was so meaningful to me to have so many people there.

    Forgive me for going on, but my mother was a good cook. After she passed away, I was attempting to cook something that I wasn't sure about, and I thought, I'll just ask mom. Instantly, I realized she was no longer with us, and began to cry.

    I think about her every day. I'm no longer so melancholy about her passing and feel I have grown so much through this experience.

    It may hurt, but it's not all bad.
    DP
     
  8. unabear09

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    Exactly...

    lol another great song that really seems to describe life and all of its ups and downs is 'Bittersweet Symphony' by The Verve
     
  9. Nrets

    Nrets Member

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    I have had two cousins die prematurely one of a drug overdose, the other committed suicide 6 months after his father's unexpected death. Another uncle murdered. Death is all around.
    BUT...I am one of those virgins. None of those people were in the center of my life. None of those people really knew me. It scares the hell out of me what I am going to go through when I experience it. I used to think I would not make it when faced with a death of one of my parents. I was a sheltered kid and the only people I truly had growing up were my elderly parents. But now I have friends and shit. It is still going to be hard as hell, and I will probably go a little nucking futs, but I'll probably end up doing something creative to deal with it.
     
  10. arkfarmbear

    arkfarmbear New Member

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    I've lost both parents, as well as other close relatives. In the days before protease inhibitors my church was having as many as one memorial service a week for AIDS victims.
    What I've learned personally, and have witnessed in others, is we respond to each death differently. And, we will never have the feelings or responses we think we will have regarding a death.
    The most horrible thing I've learned is that in our "get over it" and "just move on" world today we will very likely have hurt feelings concerning how others deal with our situation.
    For the days surrounding a death we will have lots of attention/sympathy/visitors/callers.
    But, a few weeks after the event others will have diverted their attention to their other more pressing matters. Those will be the days when we are finally coming out of our "numb" stage and will need the attention that we will not receive.
    I don't want to in any way suggest that I am labeling the behaviour of others as indicating error or insensitivity on their parts. It is just that in our hectic, rushed, worry-filled world everyone daily must deal with the pressing issues on that day's plate. We simply don't have the time or energy to provide the support grieving people need.
    Most employers provide at most 3 days of bereavement pay. The devestated survivor is expected to get back to work and hit the ground running immediately afterward.
    Many funeral homes offer grief management seminars as part of the funeral package. I've heard from many people that it was beneficial beyond belief. And, they have been even more amazed at the difference they witnessed between those who took the service and those who didn't.
    Well, I didn't mean to ramble or write a tome, but, I hope my experiences are helpful to others.

    One other thing I learned. It is important, and people do remember, the people who reached out to them during times of sorrow. I used to think that there would be plenty of other people doing so and my actions weren't really important. I was wrong. Simply seeing a person's name on the guest book can be more valuable than you will ever realize.
    And, I also discovered that one of the "best" things others could do was write a brief note about how the deceased had a positive impact in their life. (I learned things I never knew or realized about my loved ones.)
     
  11. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    Death is VERY weird. As stated we've all had family members die and it's all very sad and weird and depressing. A few months ago a friend of mine died. We knew each other almost a few months shy of 30 yrs. I was a teen when we met. It's been very hard etting over that 'parting' and the fact that I'll never see her again. She also lived across the hall from me and we had a million 'clothesline' conversations in the hallway and 25 yrs of NYC experiences together. Bween her movie producing and all the million events we went to together and just our regular life things. I'll miss her and it's still very hard.
    I guess i' m of an age now where friends can die. I just always thot it would ever happen and now it has. It's hopelessly depressing and it leaves an empty space in yr heart. A big empty black space.
     
    #11 HellsKitchenmanNYC, Nov 22, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2008
  12. dreamer20

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    Misty watercolor memories of the way we were::flowers1:



    http://www.lpsg.org/50286-shitty-shitty-day-part-two-3.html
     
  13. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    I have been very lucky so far and have not had anyone close to me die. It worries the hell out me how i will cope with it when it does happen . I dont know where people get the strength from to go through making arrangements. Organizing a funeral, a burial, etc must be one of the most painful experiences anyone will have to deal with
     
  14. Smartalk

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    When we loose either one of our parents, it is a huge awakening to us that nothing in this world is permanent. You also realise just how much you relied on that person, for the heart to heart chat, using them as a sounding board for those thoughts and ideas you have, although you know the answer or solution, you just need that reassurance from someone, who’s opinion your respect. You suddenly become conscious that you have now become that person, that people turn to. You have taken the next step up on the ladder of life, finding you are now at the top. How scary and vulnerable does that make you feel, especially when your going through the emotional upheaval that in itself is unfamiliar to you.

    I lost my dad 10 years ago yesterday; he was my rock, who was always there whenever I needed him. Suddenly I found myself in the jungle of life having lost my guide and lifeline, alone not knowing where to turn. Even when he was told that he had terminal cancer with only a matter of weeks to live, by his consultant. He replied “Well, I’ve had my three score years and ten. Even though he knew he was dying I, my family, was still able to gain strength from him, which proved what a great rock he was, and I am proud to have had him as my dad.

    I wrote a short poem to help me through this time I would like to share it with you

    PURE LANDS


    Do not mourn
    Do not shed a tear
    I have moved onto Pure Lands
    Somewhere close somewhere near

    Although we are parted
    and may miss me very much
    I will always be close by you
    You may even feel my touch

    Always think of the good time
    All the things we shared
    The things we did for each other
    To show how much we cared

    Its time to let me go now
    To Pure Lands up above
    But always remember
    My everlasting love



    Please feel free to pass on this poem to your family and friends, but do not publish without the permission and consent of myself Ó
     
  15. D_Aston Asstonne

    D_Aston Asstonne Account Disabled

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    death is just another part of life folks and sooner or later...we'll all face it.
     
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