Delayed Ejaculation Problem

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by olp79, Jan 27, 2011.

  1. olp79

    olp79 New Member

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    Hi everyone, I have a question. It usually takes me a long time to cum and usually I can't have an orgasm from sex. This was never really a problem in the past because 1. my girlfriends didn't want me to cum inside them for fear of getting pregnant, 2. I could last for hours if they were up for it, and 3. we didn't really need to worry much about birth control.

    Things have changed since getting married, however. My wife is upset that I rarely have an orgasm from sex. We are trying to conceive so we've started having sex (she'll cum one or two times) and then give me a handjob for a couple minutes and hop back on right before I start to cum.

    I really don't mind this arrangement and I don't see any practical problems with it. We both always have orgasms, I'm cumming inside her, we have sex almost every day, she initiates about 1/3 of the time, and I initiate about 2/3 of the time. The issue, however, is that she feels like she's somehow not good enough and has begun to lose interest in sex. I attribute some of this to the fact that our efforts to conceive have turned sex into something of a chore but she's still somewhat bothered.

    My feeling is that we have a good sex life but I'm worried that this issue could start interfering with it. Does anyone have any advice or input? Thanks!
     
  2. Stephenmass

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    If you are on any medications, it could affect your inability to cum and last for a very long time. I was on about 5 years ago, anxiety/depression type meds and I had the same problem. It could also be as you suggest assuming it isn't these types of drugs, you feel more like a "sperm donor" than having sex spontaneously without feeling that way. My suggestion if this is the case is to forget you are trying to conceive so it takes away that pressure of "hoping this is the time" and putting sex into the enjoyment of sex rather than trying to procreate. You can benefit two ways from this approach, you won't feel like a "sperm donor", you will be having a great time sexually, and may end up with the result you want (a child) spontaneously.

    Good luck!
     
  3. RawDog

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    I kinda have this problem, but my wife is well aware that I can orgasm/ejaculate on average once a day (sometimes longer). I can fuck forever after my refractory period's over, but something in my wiring won't make me cum more than twice in a 24 hour period.

    Do you masturbate at all? If you do, try stopping that altogether. Sometimes the way you stimulate yourself is different enough from a vagina, that you can't cum any other way. Stephenmass also has a point with the medication too.
     
  4. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    Ah, I've had this before. Get your white knight costume on, because girls are really affected deeply sometimes when they feel they can't please their partners. I know perhaps she may feel inadequate in some ways but what you say rarely makes a difference as she'll be expecting you to say it for the sake.

    About 1/3 of all sexual encounters end like this for me, and I think it is somewhat psychological. Are you sure you even want children? Or perhaps there is another mental block. Stress etc. I know I enjoy sex the most when I'm just happy and generally euphoric about life.

    Or maybe you enjoy masturbating too much :p but since you have sex every day I doubt that.
     
  5. Gecko4lif

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    I have/had your problem Thinking about sex while im having sex helps me cum in a reasonable amount of time 30mins - 1 hour
     
  6. helgaleena

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    If you search the site I think you will find a lot of information on this. You need to focus less on penis and more on the erotic possibilities of the rest of your body. Also take the pressure off yourself to think you 'must' have sex in a certain way, and that you must ejaculate every time.
     
  7. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    Definately. When the woman is going crazy, making noise, maybe being a bit aggressive it's far more enjoyable for me (and her I think :p)
     
  8. D_Tam_Ponds

    D_Tam_Ponds Account Disabled

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    I used to have a boyfriend that wouldn't come. We would make love for hours - and neither of us ever seemed to tire of it. We would get our clothes back on and have a cigarette and talk - then he would go back to kissing me and undressing me again... and more love making. He used to be so turned on excited when he would find that I would be wet and ready for more after the third or fourth consecutive clothes on/clothes back off round. And him calling me a little tiger turned me on too ;) We took a break for a year or two and got back in contact - the first time he slid it in after not seeing each other for that length of time he sort of half-came and he seemed to use all of his strength to stop himself. And once, I asked him to come. We had already been at it all night long and it was nearing morning - had already had a couple of cigarette breaks. He warned me that he had a rather "large load." I told him I didn't care so he tried to come. I had to really grind him very intensely, but he did come. And after I cleaned up, got dressed, was ready to head home - more kissing, undressing, ... God I loved that man! Anyway - now I'm getting carried away. But anywho... he used to tell me he didn't ever want to come because he enjoyed fucking me so much he didn't want to stop. In his case, I think it may have been true. But, perhaps you could use this line to make your wife feel good about it when you don't orgasm. After all, I'm sure it's not because the sex isn't good that you aren't able to come all the time.
     
  9. EllieP

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    Darwinlily, that's exactly what my husband tells me. He doesn't want it to end so soon.

    But sometimes the fact is I kind of need it to end soon. I'm sore! He's 47, and it seems that the older he gets the more stamina he has. Is that possible? All I know is that he can still go for over an hour and still not be close. Myself, I've already gone around the bend more than twice.

    He really seems to enjoy the control though. Sometimes, when I take charge he can't handle it, and I can usually bring him off. But it's not all the time. Not sure what the difference is.

    But it's not a rare thing for us to fall asleep and he still hasn't had an orgasm. I feel bad that I couldn't make him feel as good as me, but he says it's ok. I know that in the morning, though, that I better get up early if I plan to get out of bed at any reasonable hour because he's going to want to finish. Now, in the morning his stamina is not so great, so I can make him last up to about 15 minutes, and then he's mine all mine! LOL!.
     
  10. silvertriumph2

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    Not sure if this will help but....I really never had a problem with pre-mature ejaculation, and was always happy because of it for it allowed me to last longer and possibly give'more pleasure. But, I did have a problem with being able to ejaculate at all for a
    while.

    Early in our marriage, my wife and I tried so hard to conceive our first child, that it stopped being a loving and enjoyable sexual
    experience for us and became a "duty" and...yes, a "chore" as
    you called it. We kept charts, watched and timed, took temp, etc. and did all the things we were supposed to do...but it just
    became mechanical and...yes, again, a big "chore!" The "fun"
    had gone out of it. Also, I began to have a problem in getting
    erect, and then because we tried to manipulate it to obtain an erection, I would ejaculate too early....almost before I was fully
    erect. Or, I could get erect and go forever and never ejaculate
    at all! It was awful! We both began to hate sex!

    So, that wonderful time of making our first baby started to come between us and we ended up sulking and thinking it was the other's fault. We were still at university and our sex life was not
    the only thing that suffered. Our studying and concentration
    took a hit, as well as our grades, and it was all the fault of trying
    to have a baby. Our marriage was falling apart and I began to
    resent the baby, as did she. The baby was coming between us
    instead of bringing us together.

    Fortunately, we realized it and decided to get help. We decided to forget about the baby, concentrate on our studies, and try to
    get back to that loving time we had before. If we got pregnant,
    then it was meant to be, if not...then it would come later.

    Well, without the pressure, I was once again able to delay my
    ejaculations, and to enjoy normal and enjoyable sex. In less
    than a month WE WERE PREGNANT and later had a wonderful,
    healthy son.

    My advice would be to forget about conceiving and let it happen on it's own.
    Good Luck...
     
    #10 silvertriumph2, Jan 27, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2011
  11. RawDog

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    THIS!! I say this to my wife all the time. Sometimes I want to get the orgasm/ejaculation over with ASAP so we can get down to the fucking. Really, for me, both are equally enjoyable and having my orgasm be the tail end of the sexual experience (when both of us want to go on) is sometimes unfair.

    Did that make sense?

    Effort and relaxation. When I'm doing most of the movement (especially on our swing) I'm so concentrated on making both of us feel good, that letting go and having an orgasm just isn't possible.

    Think of it like cracking a whip. If you're all tensed and stiff and totally forcing it, chances are the pop won't happen. If you let the fall glide effortlessy through your shoulder, elbow, wrist, hand, then fingers, the snap and pop come the most powerfully.

    On a sidenote, I had an interesting discovery last night. My wife and I were going at it and I leaned over to the nightable to grab the lube. We were fucking for about an hour already and she was about ready to call it a night (I hadn't cum yet, I was in perma-hard mode).

    Anyway, I squirted the lube in the direction of my dick but totally missed. The dollop of lube plopped on to the carpet instead. Panicked about staining the carpet, I hopped up ran to the bathroom and grabbed some toilet paper to clean it up.

    Disaster averted, I go back to the important business at hand. I slip my cock back in her and, I swear, it took me 30 seconds to cum. She was a happy camper and rolled over to go to sleep. (GAWD, I love it when she rolls over to sleep with my semen inside her).

    My last thoughts last night before turning in was, "I need to write this on that thread."

    So there you have it.
     
  12. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    My ex was almost completely unable to cum from sex. In four years, I believe he had less than 5 orgasms. And he had never had an orgasm during sex before me (admittedly he'd had only 2 partners before me, and both were once off events).

    In the beginning, I wasn't at all bothered about it. He told me pretty early on that he'd never cum during sex, and while I found it surprising, as long as he wasn't concerned, I wasn't either.

    Later in the relationship it became more of a problem however. After the first year or so we were having sex much less often as his libido dropped back to non-honeymoon-phase level. By the end of the second year, we were hardly fucking at all (compared to what I wanted). By the time our relationship ended, it was down to once every 3 months. Combine the lack of frequency with him not cumming and I felt unwanted, unloved and unsexy. It didn't help that I had depression by this time, although I actually think this played a major part in maintaining and amplifying my depression.

    We never did figure out why he didn't cum (although I had my theories - Catholic guilt and a fear of losing control). I do hope he has figured it out by now and has gone on to have more satisfying sexual relationships.
     
  13. gigantor68

    gigantor68 Member

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    I have sort of been through something similar, I was seeing this girl and really found it hard to cum with her, I think for guys a visual thing excites them and it can be something as simple as seeing nice painted fingernails stroking a cock or red lipstick while giving head.

    I wonder if the sex has gotten a bit boring and you need a few simple things to spice it up.

    Is there something that really turns you on that you feel you just want to cum right away? Maybe try and get these things in your sex life.
     
  14. Stephenmass

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    Doesn't seem like any of our advice matters. The OP never reposted.
     
  15. LittleCockJock

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    I'm similar in not always cumming from intercourse. I've always been that way, just have a very, very long time to reach climax thru sex. I absolutely love the feeling of it, it just doesn't quite send me over the edge to climax. It can understandably be an issue for some women, since it might feel to her like she isn't doing it right or you're not attracted to her, even though that has nothing/zero to do with it. I've been lucky to have gfs for the most part who enjoy the long fuck sessions, and also then sucking me off to cum, or kissing and nibbling my neck and rubbing their legs and pussy on my leg while I stroke to finish, or rimming me while I stroke, or even playing with themselves while I watch and finish.

    If it's been a long time since I've played, I do cum from 'normal' sex and love it. Or if a woman is into after a long, intense fuck session, I just slowly fuck her, getting a rhythm and eventually build to cumming. Tend to need lube for that, but at least two ex-gfs loved cumming a few/several times during the intense part, and then the slow, steady fuck that followed. And it gets me off knowing she is getting off that way. Some girls thought it was a talent or technique to just delay cumming, but some of us are just wired this way.

    Hope you and partner can keep it all out in the open and communication is always the key. The added emotional stress of having sex for having a child can put a strain on any sexual relationship, it's not bad stress but a whole new set of feelings/expectations; am sure you two can work through it, and re-kindle her interest and desire.
     
    #15 LittleCockJock, Jan 28, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2011
  16. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    It's only been a day! Give him a chance! Not everyone has the time to come here on a daily basis.
     
  17. olp79

    olp79 New Member

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    Thanks everyone for your very helpful posts and sorry for the delay (no pun intended) my reply. I think I'll need to focus more on my wife's emotional reaction to our situation. We've talked about it a number of times and this has almost always been the case with me. It would usually take me a few times of sleeping with a new girl before I could cum with her. Thus it really doesn't have anything to do with my wife. She knows this but I'll need to keep reminding her and reassuring her.

    As I said, this used to be a great thing. I could last forever in bed and we didn't need to worry about birth control because I could cum wherever she wanted. It's funny how things of changed! You start out and the girls are saying "don't cum too fast, don't cum inside of me," and now all I get is "cum as soon as you can (we need to go to work), make sure you get it all inside me."

    I think I just need to redirect my wife's attention toward the positive aspects of our sex life and away from this one negative. That means lots of reassurance and encouragement and hopefully we can move past this baby-making phase where internal ejaculation is the one and only goal (although I am cumming inside her every day, she hops on before I start to shoot).
     
  18. helgaleena

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    Oho! Babymaking is a stress maker! But read other postings on the problem and realize that getting relaxed and into a state of tactile enjoyment is key. Probably once the test comes back positive, you can actually get back to enjoying sex without the pressure. In the meantime, tell her it's supposed to be fun, eh?
     
  19. D_Salvatore Speedbump

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    Don't really know if this'll help any but i won't let that stop me. Just relax a bit before and during sex. Just like with kegels, it may be that your muscles have learned to do things one specific way. Maybe a cold glass of water might help during a break. Something to either heighten or lower your body temp. The mind is a powerful thing and it has a large amount of control over your body. You just have to know the game your body is playing and play with it (seriously did i just say that? lol).
     
  20. olp79

    olp79 New Member

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    I like that Arizona, a break and some cold water. I might have to give that a try, thanks.
     
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