Depression and aniexty

[Mcwhorter13]

I'm hoping there is someone else out there, going through the same shit I have been, and can maybe offer some advice, tips or just an ear to listen.
My depression has gotten a lot worse this year and most days I want to give up. I've been on every depression medicine known to man over the last 15 + years, therapy a few times over the past few years, but has been no help and made me give up on it.
My backstory, I worked in home health care for almost nine years and loved it, but recently I lost all three of my long term clients, and two of their dogs, in a year.
I quit the day I found my last one dead in the bathroom. I took each loss very hard and still not doing well. I lost the last to in a month, one on my birthday. Even though they were sick and older, I didn't expect them to be gone so quickly.
I have tried to mourn them, cry often, think about and remember them fondly, but i just feel so alone now.
I haven't worked since may, and i have no desire to go back to taking care of anyone, but i cant find a decent job that i would enjoy and love as much.
I guess I feel like I'm having an ideinty problem because I've always been a caregiver, taking care of others. I don't know what else I can do. I'm not sleeping, and when I do get sleep I am in bed all day and up all night. I live with a family member who I don't get along with so I hide in my room until he leaves or goes to bed on a different level of the house.
I have had an out of state relative offer to let me stay with them but at this point I just think I'm a burden and not in the right frame of mind to move. That was been the dream for many years though and I know it will help me...but I feel so much guilt even leaving my mom,who has been my best friend forever, has been sick and home bound for years.
I would love to go back to therapy, but the place I've been to has made me want to just work on myself instead of going to back. I've lost all my faith in my DR, the medical field, because all they want to do is put me on more meds and make me come back and just talk for a few minutes and it dosen't feel like its worth it and that they don't care.
The only thing that helps a little, gives my mind and mood relief has been weed, and I was never big on smoking.
I just feel so lost and alone, It is impossible to date where I live, and no one is ever really interested in me anyway. All my friends have moved out of state and most starting families, or to busy, so I never hear from them.
I don't mean to post so much, and most likely no one will even reply, but I just wanted to get all this off my mind and maybe some strangers perspectives because all I have is my mom and she never criticizes and I wonder if I need someone more blunt to help motivate me.
I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and respond.

 

[Throat Pudd-n-]

Good morning,
I hope that this finds you well. I’ve been in a very similar situation as you write about.
It may sound odd, but I found comfort in listening to “I Look to You” - Whitney Huston.
May you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that there are others that care about you. Stay well.

 

[jo12345t]

I’ve been in a similar spot after losing people close to me, and it really does knock the wind out of you and make you question who you are without that role. What helped me a little was starting tiny routines just to break the cycle, going for short walks, keeping a journal, even cooking something simple so I didn’t stay stuck in bed all day. I also get what you’re saying about therapy feeling useless, I went through a couple of bad fits before I finally found someone who actually listened, so sometimes it’s just about trying a different place or even a group setting. As for moving in with your relative, I’d seriously consider it, fresh surroundings can help more than you think, and your mom would probably want you to take care of yourself first instead of carrying all that guilt. It doesn’t fix everything overnight, but little steps do add up.

 

[MeatStickSupreme]

Hey man, I'm struggling with depression and anxiety too. It can be hard. Really hard. The hardest battle most people will probably face. Depression affects your brain. And thats where you live. How you think, how you feel, how you see the world. Depression affects all of it. Its like those glasses in the movie They Live. You see things in a way that others dont and it can be hard to escape that.

Which is why its important to know that things *can* get better. I know you cant see it right now. But they can. I think the move would help a lot. It'll be a lot of hassle in the initial phases but a change of scenery can do you a lot of good especially because it shows you that life isnt fixed. Things in your life can change. Finding a new doc, therapist and support network may be good too. I know you feel guilty about leaving your mom but you have to take care of yourself too. You deserve that, just like your mom, just like the people you take care of. *You deserve to be taken care of.*

 

[Rawian]

I'm hoping there is someone else out there, going through the same shit I have been, and can maybe offer some advice, tips or just an ear to listen.
My depression has gotten a lot worse this year and most days I want to give up. I've been on every depression medicine known to man over the last 15 + years, therapy a few times over the past few years, but has been no help and made me give up on it.
My backstory, I worked in home health care for almost nine years and loved it, but recently I lost all three of my long term clients, and two of their dogs, in a year.
I quit the day I found my last one dead in the bathroom. I took each loss very hard and still not doing well. I lost the last to in a month, one on my birthday. Even though they were sick and older, I didn't expect them to be gone so quickly.
I have tried to mourn them, cry often, think about and remember them fondly, but i just feel so alone now.
I haven't worked since may, and i have no desire to go back to taking care of anyone, but i cant find a decent job that i would enjoy and love as much.
I guess I feel like I'm having an ideinty problem because I've always been a caregiver, taking care of others. I don't know what else I can do. I'm not sleeping, and when I do get sleep I am in bed all day and up all night. I live with a family member who I don't get along with so I hide in my room until he leaves or goes to bed on a different level of the house.
I have had an out of state relative offer to let me stay with them but at this point I just think I'm a burden and not in the right frame of mind to move. That was been the dream for many years though and I know it will help me...but I feel so much guilt even leaving my mom,who has been my best friend forever, has been sick and home bound for years.
I would love to go back to therapy, but the place I've been to has made me want to just work on myself instead of going to back. I've lost all my faith in my DR, the medical field, because all they want to do is put me on more meds and make me come back and just talk for a few minutes and it dosen't feel like its worth it and that they don't care.
The only thing that helps a little, gives my mind and mood relief has been weed, and I was never big on smoking.
I just feel so lost and alone, It is impossible to date where I live, and no one is ever really interested in me anyway. All my friends have moved out of state and most starting families, or to busy, so I never hear from them.
I don't mean to post so much, and most likely no one will even reply, but I just wanted to get all this off my mind and maybe some strangers perspectives because all I have is my mom and she never criticizes and I wonder if I need someone more blunt to help motivate me.
I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and respond.

I’m here if you need to sound off privately. I struggle still after losing my stepmother 8 years ago. My meds are much reduced but hang in there. You probably are helping someone-else although you don’t know it yet