Depression

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dunno_what, Feb 1, 2011.

  1. dunno_what

    dunno_what Member

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    This is probably the best forum for this rant...

    I have a pretty good life at the moment. I have a boyfriend with whom I am desperately in love and who feels quite the same. I have 3 jobs going on that keep my head much more above water than I am used to (although I am used to living below the poverty line, lol). And, I am also going back to University to start post-graduate studies.

    However, I cannot help to have these pangs of complete and utter despair. As if everything is about to go wrong, anxiety over imagined situations, beliefs like I am not the right person for my studies/boyfriend/work. One of the worst parts (for me and what doesn't help with these imagined situations at all) is that these pangs lead directly into binge drinking or eating shithouse take-away or something.

    Now, I have on odd occasion been to a psych and been diagnosed with depression, which I have swiftly ignored as I haven't wanted to divulge my past with some random. However, it is the fact that when I am with my boyfriend, or involved in deep research, or just reading a good graphic novel, I feel absolutely positively happy. HAPPY! And it is the fast change (in tonight's change, it has been 2 hours since I last spoke to the other half and already I am 5 pints deep and abjectly lost in despair) that really disturbs me.

    I really just don't know why this is so, or what to do about it, or who to tell. I know I must sound like a whiny douche but, hey, that's how I feel about myself too!

    Comments/advice good folks of the internet?
     
  2. SparkyNYC

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    I'm the same way man, hit me up if you want to chat
     
  3. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    You know you're divulging this in a lot of randoms here as well? It helps to have someone to talk to though, this I know well.

    If he loves you the same then he will be very upset to hear you feel this and will understand. I'm sure there is a chance he could get angry because he will think you don't trust him, but if you explain it to him like you did him he should want to be there for you. Only he can really help reassure you and get you through this pal.

    And don't forget, there are always people out there is worse situations. You have someone of loves you, and somebody to love. You have a lot going for you, don't let yourself ruin it.
     
  4. dunno_what

    dunno_what Member

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    Lol, yeah, about the random thing... I guess it's more of a cowardly thing, not wanting to confront shit face-to-face with some random who, while I am sure cares, is just getting paid to listen to my BS!

    I think my main thing with telling the other half is not just how it can hit anytime (and I have felt really low around him occasionally... and in one situation, completely not allowed him to visit me before we started dating), but just how hard it can hit after he leaves/when he is not around. Even to me, right now as I type it, I understand that sounds scary for someone to hear, lol!

    And yeah, the don't let yourself ruin it thing... I have a habit of my mind producing all the worst possibilities and then me acting in the way that produces self-fulfilling prophecies. I don't know why, and I don't want it to happen, but it ain't easy to just... change (there was a much longer pause before that last word irl).
     
  5. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    I might actually PM you because I have this exact problem, and it has caused me some real shit that's only ended recently and let me tell you, I feel pretty low. It doesn't sound scary to me because I do the same, but I know how you mean about it driving people away, it did drive mine away in the end. But even so, it was my fault for not accepting that everything was ok.

    I'm paranoid, and it turns to obsession, and then that has easily turned into anger and hate. But along with that comes with suffering and depression... starting to sound like Yoda now so :p But that shows that there are two paths. The other is to try and be trusting, accept if it goes wrong it is not the end of the world. That would help me personally find peace in a relationship and basically survive; even if it end's I'd be happy in a weird sense over the good times we had and the good times yet to be had.

    Still right now, I feel like I never want to be that close to anyone again as it makes me suffer so much. I don't know if any of this helps, it most certainly won't stop you feeling as you are, like I said, only your partner can do that. If he can't, maybe he isn't what you deserve/need?
     
  6. dunno_what

    dunno_what Member

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    I think I may have placed too much emphasis on the role of the other in this. I mean trust him and I love him completely. I know, I fucking know, that he will be there for me when I turn to him.

    But... this is more to do with my mind, and (even though I know he is as, if not even more, fucked up than me) I can't/don't want to let him in that place yet. I mean this is place that is so full of self-doubt and a lack of efficacy and esteem that I second guess myself over things that the rational part of me knows that I am good at! I mean, I dunno, can I just not handle when he goes home and I am alone?

    I mean when I was alone before I was with him, I just engaged in random sexual acts with strangers. Now, I am just left to stew on my own unless I occupy myself with something (also, am not trying to say that casual sex is the answer here, lol :p).

    I guess I am most scared of my worries and doubts in myself showing themselves through substance abuse and an eventual emotional withdrawal (which, emotionally, I know is impossible at the moment because of how he makes me feel whenever he is around, or when he dominates my thoughts)... argh, this is difficult to explain, lol!!!
     
  7. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    Is it that you don't want to talk to a random person (which you are doing now) or you are scared to go through and examine everything and then it turns out that the person you are doing this with is a stupid person who may not be able to help you after all that pain of re-examining.

    I think if you find a good shrink to work with it can make a huge difference in your life and give you so many tools that will help you deal with different situations. My guess is that you want to avoid picking a stupid shrink.

    First forget psychologists - they couldn't hack medical school, find a psychiatrist. Look at their research interests and publications, do they make you think this person is damn smart? If so go to that one. However think about what kind of help you are looking for. Are you looking for comfort or do you just really want to walk out with a to do list for fixing your life, again you can have an idea by looking at the doctor's research and also basically going to a hospital and expressing your concerns and what kind of shrink you want, doctors are smart, they will understand what you mean.

    If you have depression - see a shrink.

    It may be that right now for the first time things are working out in your life, and before this your body and mind were in "survival" mode, so a lot of things were suppressed just so your body could make it to the next day and now is when they are coming out. See a shrink, a psychiatrist, they know about medications in case you need some and they were smart enough to get into medical school. (Sorry psychologists, but I wasn't smart enough for medical school either so boo-hooh)

    Do not take depression lightly because you know what can happen. Be kind to yourself, give yourself a fighting chance.
     
  8. onewatcher

    onewatcher Active Member

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    My friend, I have been exactly where you are, minus the dirinking binges... What you have described are classic symptoms of depression, which can present itself in many different ways. The term depression has many facets and affects people in so many different ways.. You are experiencing run away thoughts. Your brain is misfiring and sending out all these "negative thoughts " If I had nickle for all the time I waisted over these negative thoughts, I'd be richer than Bill Gates ! Really, the only thing that helped me was a very low dose of Paxil. My GP ordered it for me and I've taken it for years without any side effects. I'm not prescribing it for you, what I'm trying to say is there is no shame, stigma, sign of weakenss, ect with taking medication, designed to help a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's far safer than alcoholic binges, which is very damaging to you body as well as relationships. Please son, talk to your doctor about this. PM me if you want..
     
  9. yoursgetsmine

    yoursgetsmine Member

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    Funny how we obsess on wanting something, and then when we actually have it, we obsess on the potential of losing it.....which by the way is normal to think about maintaining or holding on to something....but it's not good to make that the conscience or sub-conscience focus of our life. Like Shakespear said: "Tis better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all"

    So that can apply to having possessions like cars, money, clothes, health etc., or relationships with other people or family. When someone close to you dies you'll feel the unbearable pain of the immediate loss, but after a while you can live with it and control it to a point of fond rememberance.....and you get past the mourning stage and get to the celebration stage of their life.

    Other losses we experience can be applied and handled the same way....so while we could lose something dear or meaningful to us, it's painful or disruptive at first, but then we adjust and remember the better times, and can move on. Don't obsess over what you have and can lose, just enjoy it for as long as you can, with the usual ups and downs we all have regarding anything personal...and do what you can to maintain it for your personal or mutual fulfillment, and not obsess and potentially destroy it with an imagined future loss of it which will drive both you and your partner to total distraction and potential negative consequences.

    After all, not to be morbid, but we all could face the possibility of getting hit by a bus tomorrow (so all that worrying was wasted after all), because there are absolutely no guarantees in life....except of course our eventual "departure"
     
  10. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    You are so right onewatcher!

    I found that in addition to meds (Wellbutrin, XL) cognitive behavioral therapy helped me a lot. I still use the lessons I learned with my shrink even years later.
     
  11. onewatcher

    onewatcher Active Member

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    Thanks Kit Kat. I just sent him a PM and went into more detail with him.
    I so would not want to be 25 again unless I were to know what I know now in regards to relationships, life, ect. His binge drinking is just exerbating his negative thinking, and will do more damage to himself and any and all relationships. Hopefully, he will use the resources available to him. This is such an easy problem to take care of, and can be disasterous if left untreated.
     
  12. dunno_what

    dunno_what Member

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    Wow, I got like a Zen advice, a Meds advice, and a talking-it-all-out advice!

    I mean I know I could go into this waaaaaaay deeper, lol (been sexually since 14 when 50-something-yo guy had at me[and multiple more soon after that], have had literally over 100 sexual partners, yet this is only my 2nd real relationship, somehow managed to cheat in my 1st real relationship, and have only recently revealed myself as bi to family and friends) which could make a reasonable difference when a shrink would talk to me....

    But, I just wanna know is this: Why is it that when I look in his eyes, I feel the greatest amount of love I have ever felt, and can feel so alone and up against it whenever I let my mind wander (with or without him around... but usually when he's gone)? I mean, my mind just fucks off, on its own trajectorary into places where fear, lust, and loathing live, and where I decide to treat my problems in my own inadequate way... yet, I know I love him so. And he does the same, in return!

    Simply, wtf?!
     
  13. nicenycdick

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    What you describe is classical depression. All the advice about seeking medical help is right on. But what has not been stressed enough is that you are relying on alcohol to self-medicate. This easily and most often leads to alcoholism. Stop drinking right now. Immediately find a therapist with whom you feel comfortable. Take control of your life before you lose control and enter into an disasterous downward spiral.

    You seem like an accomplished, driven and intelligent guy. Don't be foolish now. Seek the help you need.
     
  14. dangly

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    I've spent years of my past struggling with depression...hopefully the worst is behind me.

    What you're going through is probably, at its core, one or more of the following:

    1. You're angry at or about something or someone
    2. You're afraid of something
    3. You're angry at yourself
    4. You feel insecure about something
    5. You're afraid of facing your fears, anger, and insecurities

    The important thing is to go easy on yourself -- EVERYONE goes through depressive episodes, and although it can feel like you're isolated and completely alone, you are quite definitely not.

    In many cases, depression is emotional fatigue from repression of other emotions. And often, the core of the depression is a very basic fear or insecurity, which can be confusing and frightening if you're "supposed" to be doing well on paper yet still feel down. The key to the whole thing is to first allow yourself to answer the question "what am I depressed about?" and then allow yourself to express whatever it is you're really feeling underneath the depression.

    The other key is to talk to someone. You've taken a good first step by talking about your depression here, but you'll be much better off if you can talk with someone you trust. You should feel comfortable opening up to your boyfriend; if you truly love, trust, and respect each other, then discussing what's on your mind and what's troubling you will only work to bring you closer together. If you don't feel comfortable opening up to him (you fear scaring him off, for example), you should find a close friend, family member, or (preferably) a therapist you feel comfortable opening up to. Someone else's perspective on your specific issues can be priceless.

    I hope this helps -- depression is no fun and you have my deepest sympathy. Just remember to go easy on yourself, trust yourself, let yourself relax, and love yourself, and you should have a much easier time conquering the source of your depression.
     
  15. onewatcher

    onewatcher Active Member

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    The reason is..... because when you look into his eyes, you see his soul. It reaches you in places that you mis -firing brain can not get to. as soon as you look away your brain signals say, "ah ha , he's mine now. let's see what I can do to make him destroy this relationship " That is why you need to take steps now, to make sure you are the one controlling yourself, your thoughts, not your brain !
     
  16. dunno_what

    dunno_what Member

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    Thanks to all who are taking their time out to respond, or even to read this :)

    Now lemme respond by being completely self-defensive (slash realistic):
    a) I really don't think I could afford to take meds, or see a quality professional shrink (/via being a post-grad student);
    b) I really don't think, despite binges, that either of my main two go-to drugs are affecting my health, relationships, or work (alcohol and weed);
    c) My boyfriend accepts as I am right now.

    Yet, as I soon as I have finished typing that, I realise that it completely against why I started this thread in the first place:
    a) I am in love, yet feel alone way too much;
    b) My life seems on track, yet I don't know if I like this track;
    c) I sound like whiny little shit, but I can't help myself!

    And now, I am back to the start... I don't want meds as I fear they will change me; I am scared to talk to my other half as I am scared that he will think I am too much effort; and I don't want to run away.

    Talk about problems other people wish they had, amirite?!? I feel as much of a douchebag as Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love :/
     
  17. helgaleena

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    Depression which seems to have no reasonable cause in your life can be from a chemical imbalance. Get enough sleep. Take your vitamins. Stick to a daily routine that makes sure your biological needs are all tended to and try to avoid extremes to your organism. Bet you will feel better for it. Resorting to medication or therapy is often unnecessary if you just try to keep steering your life more evenly along.

    I have bipolar and schizo relatives, diabetic and immune challenged relatives too, who can get along just fine with more regular daily habits.
     
  18. onewatcher

    onewatcher Active Member

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    I guess that you know better than all of us . I have been in the mediacal profession for over thirty five years.. I know your signs, symptoms both professionally and personally.. I'm sure if you wanted help you could get it regardless of your financial situation. most universities have free medical centers for their students.... Again, your brain is comming up with all these excuses why you don't need to seek medical help.. keep on drinking !!! When you bf finally has enough of your binges and everything else that goes along with alcohol addiction, and looks for someone he can come home to that is not drunk or hungover,then and maybe then you will seek the help you so despretely need. So, odviously, you don't any advice from us. At 25 you have all the answers!!!!
     
  19. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    I have bouts of about all the same. Days when I feel great and all things are possible then days when I'm in such a rut I could cry - sometimes I get very choked but don't cry. Then I get home, turn on the TV and see a commercial and start crying. It quickly recedes however and I'm back on track.

    I've always been very balanced but 4 years ago I met a guy who took total control of my life. From folding t shirts to shopping and cooking dinner. He took care of my book keeping, getting things situated with my accountant, handled almost everything in my life. It really affected me. I began to hate him for taking away my masculinity. Then I caught him cheating on me. He moved out and I've tried to get myself back on track. We, unfortunately, continue to work together and I've become more aggressive with him when he tries taking control of something. After work I want to crawl into my cave and hide. He wants to be in my personal life; I want to move away to get away from him. I love living in Prague but I'm feeling that the only way out is to completely move back to the US where he can't find me. He's not violent; I just don't want to be around him. He makes me crawl into myself and I think it's leading to some form of depression.
     
  20. helgaleena

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    Johnny, depression is a symptom of the whole life situation, and you are right that the life causes the depression, not the other way around. Good for you to stay assertive even though you still allow this person to serve you in the work sphere.

    Perhaps when you were younger it was easy to live a balanced life without really thinking out all the details that add up to it. Now you are beginning to take the helm more consciously, thanks to the learning experience of a controlling ex. I admire you for it.
     
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