Desperate call for help..(relationship gone wrong)

[B_spotted_duck]

guys,its seems to get worse for me. i have been trying my best to stay away from him for the past few weeks. instead of getting better i feel the pain is getting worse.

i keep having ideas of what hes doing with the girl, where he is going..and im so addicted to his attention which i cant seem to get and it kills me. i fear for the day he gets married. and every minute of the day im thinking of how to end this without hurting anyone else.and im scared to do it.

my fear is one of the few things left thats holding me back from trying to stop this pain.i dont know what the hell is happening to me. my mood and emotions fluctuates randomly throughout the day. i try to distract myself by being with friends and having fun with them but it still lingers at the back of my head. and comes back every now and then.

the pain is horrible and im letting it get to my head. im being very irrational in the things i do. when he asks me out i say no because i cant see them both. but i regret doing so as soon as i say it. and when im left all alone i blame him for not inviting me..my head is so messed up i cant seem to rationalize the simplest thing..i feel like im so close to finding a way to end my life bcos im not willing to endure this anymore. im trying to justify with myself that there are alot more people going through much worse then i am,but it doesnt seem to help...im seriously so pressured and stressed out now..im afraid of going to a therapist bcos i dont want to be on those prescribed medicines. ive been postponing it for awhile now, also due to financial isues...i dont know what to do anymore...

You are clearly in distress, this is precisely the kind of situation where you should go ask for help.

There's no shame in asking for help-- in fact, it's a powerful and brave thing to do. You deserve to enjoy your life. What you are doing now doesn't lead there. Seriously. Get help from people who know how. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can start to get out of the feedback loops you're stuck in (your pain is actually making your pain worse).

Therapists don't automatically put you on meds. And in fact, most therapists can't-- unless they are a psychiatrist, and have an MD next to their name, they can't prescribe medications. (They can recommend, and work with a medical doctor who can prescribe, but they can't force you to take anything.) More to the point, most therapists who aren't psychiatrists don't even like pushing people towards medication-- their training is in various approaches to talking you through your issues, and guiding you out of them. They may occasionally recommend meds as a way to achieve a short-term objective, such as breaking a feedback loop so you're actually in a position to do the therapeutic work.

Finally: I think of the fear of meds, the concern over costs of therapy, worry about some stigma associated with being "a guy who's been in therapy" etc. as alibis or excuses for not going. You may find this hard to believe, but this is, as likely as not, your pain fighting to find ways to defend itself. The more reasons you can think of not to go for help, the better off you will be when you learn to not listen to them.

 

[aztechx]

You are clearly in distress, this is precisely the kind of situation where you should go ask for help.

There's no shame in asking for help-- in fact, it's a powerful and brave thing to do. You deserve to enjoy your life. What you are doing now doesn't lead there. Seriously. Get help from people who know how. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can start to get out of the feedback loops you're stuck in (your pain is actually making your pain worse).

Therapists don't automatically put you on meds. And in fact, most therapists can't-- unless they are a psychiatrist, and have an MD next to their name, they can't prescribe medications. (They can recommend, and work with a medical doctor who can prescribe, but they can't force you to take anything.) More to the point, most therapists who aren't psychiatrists don't even like pushing people towards medication-- their training is in various approaches to talking you through your issues, and guiding you out of them. They may occasionally recommend meds as a way to achieve a short-term objective, such as breaking a feedback loop so you're actually in a position to do the therapeutic work.

Finally: I think of the fear of meds, the concern over costs of therapy, worry about some stigma associated with being "a guy who's been in therapy" etc. as alibis or excuses for not going. You may find this hard to believe, but this is, as likely as not, your pain fighting to find ways to defend itself. The more reasons you can think of not to go for help, the better off you will be when you learn to not listen to them.

i meant going to a psychiatrist in a hospital. im not sure if there is a therapist here in my country. sorry for the misunderstanding,im not that familiar with thse thing yet

a friend told me that no matter what i do, if i dont have a tiny bit of idea on how to help myself, then no amount of therapy can help.

Thing is sometimes, im so reluctant to move on, its like im stopping my ownself from moving on and im afraid to leave this. i keep trying to come up with ways to get over this while still having him in my life. which obviously isnt a good idea. leaving would be a good idea, to run away start a new life. but i have my own justification on why i need to keep this job im having now as ive shown GREAT progress.

i feel like my biggest enemy is no longer him but my own mind. im constantly fighting with myself with the things inside my head. i make things up in my head and try to fight them afterwards making myself worse. like i said, he might not be doing anything at all with her and yet i keep imagining the things they do and i end hurting myself, and then fighting to push those thoughts away when they arent supposed to be there in the first place. and i dream about him EVERY NIGHT! i have no control over those, some of those dreams involve us having sex again while others involved seeing him ditch me for the girl. it gets tiring as my head cant rest even when im sleeping and i wake up crying realizing its just a dream.

im super paranoid by everything people say. i flip at the slightest feeling that i would be 'deserted' or abandoned. i spend my time thinking and thinking. and the normal conclusion is that i have no way out of this. i dont think ill ever find a girl with my sexuality issues, insecurity and constant paranoid feelings. which pressure me more to want to move on and see what the future holds for me. i know i wont be able to give my parents what they want, to have a family of my own. theres just so many things in my head.

 

[helgaleena]

Emotional Freedom Technique EFT/Tapping - Soulgarden.tv

Aztechx, you need immediate relief! This is a way to take back your own brain and emotions using accupressure and guided affirmations. Youtube is full of many videos showing ways to relieve your stress with EFT.

Right this moment when your thoughts get repetitious, just roll your eyes in a full circle, all the way around, first in one direction and then in the other direction, while humming a little tune. It doesn't matter what the tune is. But you will immediately break the vicious cycle of your thoughts.

 

[aztechx]

hello guys,

havent posted here for a long long time. glad to say that im fairing alot better now..

alot has happened especially for myself in the past few months. Initially i went on being in this miserable pile of mess. everything was about him him and him. what he deos with that girl. what he does everynight now that im out of the picture. all the suicide thoughts started coming back. at one point i almost tried to 'guilt trip' him, try to make him responsible or at least feel responsible for what happened to me. and i guess he didnt know what to do anymore. i couldnt focus and i constantly cried and cried and felt so bad. Honestly i really felt at that point that i couldnt go on anymore. i mean i kept being slightly optimistic, hoping things would get better and everytime it didnt, i just crumble more and more. i qustioned my ability to be in a functional relationship. will i ever get over this episode since it was almost 5 years and i didnt let myself let it go. Of course i didnt have the courage to kill myself, but i just didnt see the point of living anymore.i was literally dragging through my days

But then, a small magic happened. i just woke up one day, and realized something i couldnt describe. i was so full of positivity. some sort of epiphany. i started realizing what ive done to myself all these while. i somehow realized that if i dont love myself, no one else will. I think it started after i read an article i found online one day. it was titled 30 ways to stop doing to yourself.

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to
spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants
you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight
for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously
overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your
side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when
you’re at your worst that are your true friends.


2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t
be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling
every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly
solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get
upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of
living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of
time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.


3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world,
but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take
chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be
honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.


4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful
thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and
forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself
too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something
that matters to you, that moment is now.


5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest
challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you
like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always
be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.
Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people
will love the real you.


6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next
chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.


7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting
it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every
success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading
towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more
than the things you did.


8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong
person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong,
one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are
right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things
in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles,
and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.
Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for
a moment that is yet to come.


9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are
expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally
free – love, laughter and working on our passions.


10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not
happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term
relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your
own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling
on Happiness.


11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem
that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take
decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making
progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with
your foot on first.


12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when
an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us
to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally
comfortable at first.


13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. –
Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in
bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it
will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best
reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.


14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work.
– In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.
Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most
importantly, some will bring out the best in you.


15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about
what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records
every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.


16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting
someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s
something I have that everyone wants?”


17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s
curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that
is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it
happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative
curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually
they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So
smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were
yesterday, and you will be.


18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your
heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.
Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying,
“I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”
Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And
remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If
you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.


19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to
lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.


20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends
don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you
know in your heart is right.


21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. –
The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you
keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.


22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little
things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big
things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments
you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.


23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward
perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things
Done.


24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy,
especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the
easy way out. Do something extraordinary.


25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to
fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be
strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going
well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking
either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner
you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.


26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you
can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take
responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going
through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of
your life.


27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible,
and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change
the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your
focus.


28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its
burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is
worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in
one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth
worrying about.


29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you
do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great
success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something
wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention,
you’ll often find that you’re right.


30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it,
wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is
desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re
missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

I read this on a daily basis to the point where i could memorize the points and tried to implement it in my life.

I started by loving myself more because as i said, i realized that im the only one who wouldnt turn my back to myself, although i did that all these years. i started paying more attention to myself, to make myself happy. i joined a gym, and the toastmasters club of my company to regain some confidence. i spent money on myself, clothings and all to make myself feel good. and to be honest, ive seen alot of changes in myself, being an ex-swimmer, it wasnt hard for me to rebuild my body. people have been complimenting on how 'positive' i look nowadays. for the first time in many many years. i felt good about myself. I keep insisting to myse;lf to love myself..love myself..every single day..and i seem to be doing well..

The best part is, i met a girl i really liked. It did give me some hope since i realized i COULD actually still fall for girls. Progress with her is nothing to shout about at the moment but its a good start for me.

Saying so, i wouldnt consider myself 'fully recovered'. theres still so much that is 'defect' in myself. Despite being no longer bitter about him and the girl, im still overly jealous when he goes out with the girl and all. ive started talking to him for some time now. it seems like we get along too well together, we actually miss each others company alot. But i still cant face the girl as of now. and i cant even give myself a reason why.And im constantly worried that this 'old ghosts' might creep up one day or that i might not be able to love a girl as much as i loved him.

Somehow deep inside, i know im still in love with him, but perhaps ive now accepted the fact that the boundaries has been set and that we can be nothing more than friends. It still kinda gets me thinking at times, considering how much i loved, and still love him. How it all could have came to this.

But everyday is a new battle. instead of fighting pain on a daily basis, i try to love myself more every day. theres so much i have to say but just need to get my words right at the moment. At the end of the day, i guess all i needed to do was to give time, time. I hope things will only get better from here on.

 

[B_Nick8]

i spent money on myself, clothings and all to make myself feel good. and to be honest, ive seen alot of changes in myself, being an ex-swimmer, it wasnt hard for me to rebuild my body. people have been complimenting on how 'positive' i look nowadays. for the first time in many many years. i felt good about myself. I keep insisting to myse;lf to love myself..love myself..every single day..and i seem to be doing well..

The best part is, i met a girl i really liked. It did give me some hope since i realized i COULD actually still fall for girls. Progress with her is nothing to shout about at the moment but its a good start for me.

I really hope you're as transparent as you appear. I hope you're not trusting yourself on some unsuspecting girl (or guy, for that matter) because you're a total mess. I have no idea why you would bother to come back to this board to "catch us up" as to your current situation, but it's my bet that few people care other than that you need them to.

Your prolonged Billy story was torturous and ultimately annoying in the extreme. If anything, all you were was emotionally masochistic To come back and tell us you've inflicted it on someone else is disgusting. Since all you've been to this board is a long, drawn out tale about thwarted love (and one I don't believe at all--I think you're a troll) I honestly think you ought to drop it and go away. Kudos for your writing but be gone.

 

[helgaleena]

I think you don't have to listen to Nick8 about this. You know for yourself that you have made progress on feeling more worthy of other peoples' love. I for one am glad you stopped back here to let us know how you are doing.

As you now know, good advice has to be planted in a receptive mind, and none of us can make you take good advice until your mind is ready. It became ready at last. :love:

 

[B_Nick8]

I think you don't have to listen to Nick8 about this. You know for yourself that you have made progress on feeling more worthy of other peoples' love. I for one am glad you stopped back here to let us know how you are doing.

As you now know, good advice has to be planted in a receptive mind, and none of us can make you take good advice until your mind is ready. It became ready at last. :love:

Much as I respect you and your posts, I'd like to agree to disagree about this one.

 

[aztechx]

i never forced anyone to read this thread..like ive said, this has always been my only channel to share my story..and for misusing this forum as a place for me to do that..i truly apologize.almost evry other day i wish someone would sit with me and listen to what i have to say. but i dont have that someone as anyone who knew about this might actually bring a whole lot more trouble than now..

But there is truth in what u said i shouldnt lead anyone else into this mess nick. i doubt i have the ability to be in a normal relationship and ive questioned that to myself alot before i actually feel for someone. theres just so much emotional baggage in me that needs to be sorted out before i let someone else in. im in a mess. thats true.

ive lived by the mantra of loving myself all the time now. and if im gay, instead of going around blaming god and all, ive accepted myself for it coz i know im the only one who might. at times i do lose it still, there are nights where the old me comes back to haunt me. where i pile myself up with misery by imagining him with another girl. but at least im doing alot better now. i want to get out of this much more than anyone of you wished i would stop now. i know im worth a whole lot more than what ive always been to this billy.

At times there will be thoughts of the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'..but i have to remind myself firmly that billy, was just a beautiful distant memory of the past despite how much i treasured every second of it. To everyone else, it might be something i should forget considering how abusive it got for both parties. but i would rather remember it for the best things. Somehow i feel it gives me a whole lot more of calmness.

i love him alot this guy..i still do, but all i have left to do now is to focus on myself and love myself even more. Something i havent don for myself for a long, long time. it really is time for me to move on and find someone new.

 

[justan]

a 4+ year long post?

 

[B_Nick8]

If indeed this person's story is true, and I've had serious doubts all along, he desperately needs intense psychotherapy not internet advice which, however on point and well meant, he has apparently never taken.