Destroyed by thinking "Gay"

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Hunt3ed, May 17, 2007.

  1. Hunt3ed

    Hunt3ed New Member

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    I'm writing this in order to help, and guide some of the more confused souls of life who visit this site as voyeurs, closet gays, fascinated straight men and the likes. For the people out there that do label them selves as straight, that are married and have children. For people out there that discreetly visit cottages, that actually do enjoy anal stimulation and can't tell the wives, girl friends; for fear of being labeled a Homosexual or Gay or deviant

    I'm 43 now, and all my life I've watched other people and seen their lives being torn apart by the labels they or others have attached to them. Children committing suicide, college kids dropping out, older men having their children taken away. The abuse, the bullying, and the hurt. Every day there are occasions where I think to my self "I'm glad that's not me". It doesn't happen to every one, but those that are affected by the labeling, seem to lead such tragic, disturbed lives. Their joy and happiness seems to be so limited. For a long time I've given thought to how people react and behave as a result of the labels they or others give to them, and nothing has a more profound affect on individual lives than the tags, of Gay, Homosexual, Poofter, Softy...........and so so many more.

    I'm a slow learner, I've lived a sheltered existence in a maddening world, I think I've come thru so far with out being marked, and lived in several different countries, all with different laws and attitudes towards Homosexuality, and deviant behavior. In saying that I am at ease with myself. But I'm lying to you and I'm lying to myself, the marks and scars of my life and the emotions I have had in them have made me to be who I am. Like many I've tried to conform my life to the way I have perceived that others perceive what is normal. Its taken this long time for me to realise that all human behavior from the one extreme to the other, is normal. There is no distinction between what is normal and what isn't normal, there are no grey areas. What is normal is a personal perspective, of where you as an individual draw the line for yourself, often that perspective is formed by the society with in which you live and the attitudes of those around you. For me absolute celibacy is not normal, and neither is any act that that causes physical trauma. In other words I think its un healthy not to get any sexual gratification, and I think its unhealthy where the acts of sexual gratification, draws blood or causes physical injury.

    I've seen countless men being horrified by gays, by being associated by gays, and the like. I have also seen these same men destroy them selves, their careers, their families all because they have committed what they believe to be a gay act, and as a result thinking that they are not normal. I've seen married men coming out, and labeling them selves as gay and then getting it all wrong, just because they have what in their mind is an unusual sexual preference. I cannot possibly take the female perspective on this, but on the whole the majority of women, sensible souls, are less affected by these labels, and being a lesbian has far less been punished as a social, moral or legal crime. That's not to say that Hundreds of South African women weren't locked up under the immorality act for being lesbians. That's changing now.

    Men and women have been having same sex intimate relation ships across the globe since God was a child. Equally in modern terms, having sex with a man does not make you gay, looking at a mans naked body does not make you gay. It does not make you a poofter it does not make you soft. Having the office clerk give you a blow job does not make you Gay. Experimenting with the office clerk in return does not make you Gay. Being Gay is a life style choice . I'll explain to you married straight men, its something I have learnt for myself, albeit not with out some soul searching confusion.

    I consider my self, cautiously as being straight. I prefer to live my life with a woman. I'm married, if I could have had children I would have, but that's another storey. It is my life style choice to live with a woman, that's what clicks with me. I can not envisage living, as married, to a man. But I prefer to look at men's bodies to women's, they are more defined, on the whole to me; tidier, more practical. Its the artistic form and functionality that does it for me. In other people it is the same for women. When it comes to sexual preference I prefer women, their bodies can be so more responsive than a mans to sexual arousal. But I don't draw any lines. I do enjoy anal stimulation, and in that regard the ultimate has to be a real life cock, nothing man made feels more enjoyable. In short I get a tremendous amount of satisfaction, by giving sexual satisfaction, as well as being the object of sexual gratification. Sex with men is a homosexual act, and that to me is where the word belongs. In the dictionary as a descriptive word. It is not a label or a word to describe yourself with or others.

    What is much more important, is being honest with your self, and open with your partner or partners. If you like anal stimulation tell your partner. If your partner finds that that is not something she wants to do, that's their choice and something you may well have to accept, but as with all partnerships there has to be give and take. In that she may well have to accept and she may enjoy watching, that you stimulate your self there.

    There is no need for any body to wreck their lives, just because they think they are gay, and that they have to conform to being normal in a normal society. I'm lucky I have an exceptionally nice body, I have a fantastic cock, and I have a fantastic sex life, and I have a good social life. I accept that every body and their sexual preferences are normal and I respect them for that. I talk to Gays dance with Gays have sex with Gays, as I do with "straight men and women". My life style choice is to live with my wife, whom I love adore and respect and have a fantastic life with. So Guys don't let the labels fuck with your mind, because at the end of the day its only you fucking with your self, and if you let it eat you then that's where you end up, by your self, or in the mortuary.
     
  2. Theunbroken

    Theunbroken New Member

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    strong post mate, have a feeling it will help alot of people.. kudos
     
  3. Gillette

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    I think you'll find you're going to get the most flack from people for your declaration that being gay is a lifestyle choice.

    Your sexuality isn't a choice, your feelings guide you.

    How you live can be chosen, how you feel can not.

    Can a person be straight yet enjoy homosexual acts? Of course.
    I think that those who identify themselves as gay do so because they love, not merely fuck with, people of their own gender.
     
  4. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    I don't disagree with you, but I think it comes down more to terminology than a 'lifestyle choice.' You could make the argument that *everyone* chooses his or her lifestyle....but I don't think our sexuality or sexual desires are a matter of personal choice. If you are male and find men's bodies attractive, then you're homosexually attracted to that man. If you're male and attracted to females, then that's heterosexuality at least according to our current definitions. These things seem hard-wired to me. I think these definitions, labels and the like do need to be either done away with or revamped, but that'll only occur over time. And I think we'd all be a lot better off, and more mentally healthy, if we just accepted ourselves, and our sexualities, guilt-free.
     
  5. LA8PV

    LA8PV Member

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    well, perhaps you as a bisexual person to some degree can make a "life style choice", if what you mean is to choose whether you live with a man or a woman, but what if you fall in love with a man?

    Even though I agree with alot of what you write, I don't agree with "Being Gay is a life style choice". I don't agree that being gay is a life style, and I don't agree that there is a choice if you're gay (but yes, perhaps if you're bi). Maybe we're talking passed eachother because we don't agree on the terminology, but I think terminology is important, specially since your post is about ways of thinking.

    It seems to me that you're trying to find a way to define yourself as "not gay", since you're able to "choose a straight life style". Good for you if it makes you happy, but I really can't see the need for it, since I see nothing wrong with being gay.
     
  6. va_lk_yr_ie

    va_lk_yr_ie Member

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    From my (perhaps oversimplified) point of view and the textbook definitions of sexuality:
    1. If you are sexually aroused only by people of the opposite sex - heterosexual
    2. If you are sexually aroused only by people of the same sex - homosexual
    3. If you are sexually aroused by people of the opposite and the same sex - bisexual
    Bisexuality comes in varying degrees of course. From those being very close to the heterosexual end of the spectrum but still enjoy the thought of (or feeling of) having sexual relations in some form to a person of the same sex. To the ones being very close to the homosexual end of the spectrum, mostly enjoying sexual relations with people of the same sex but occasionally experimenting with people of the other sex.

    My own thinking is that very few people are actually 100% hetero-/homosexual in that no one of the opposite/same sex could trigger an interest and attraction in them - but sufficiently close to that end of the spectrum to define themselves as just that.

    Note that I've only spoken about sexual attraction so far. Because that is in essence what the hetero-/homo-/bisexuality tells you - your sexual preference (even though definitions vary depending on what source you consult - sometimes also including the romantic component, i.e. feelings and whether your interest also extends beyond the sexual sphere).

    Romantic preferences tend to follow your sexual orientation, but aren't a 100% mapping to it. For hetero- and homosexuals there is an almost 100% overlap between sexual and romantic preference - you're turned on by persons of the opposite/same sex and prefer sharing your life with persons of the opposite/same sex.

    For bisexuals romantic preferences and sexual orientation gets trickier to map - I should know as I am bisexual myself - have defined myself as one since I was in my late teens and openly to the outside world for the past 15 years.

    "All options open" - even though I dislike that term as it's usually used in a derogatory sense - is a fairly good description for that. In this situation I can agree that living a heterosexual or homosexual lifestyle is in a way a choice (because that is what the outside world will see and register - straight or gay - unless you share your life with both a man and a woman in a threeway relationship - but that's another discussion). You develop feelings for one person, of one sex and choose to share your life at that moment with that person.

    So, with that long block of text (I need to learn how to write shorter - but I do love writing...). The original poster to me isn't gay, nor straight - he's bisexual - but he has made a conscious choice to continue living with his partner, who is a woman - and would from what I see in the text also continue that preference should his current relationship end.

    The sad part of the story is that I see in this text (and in some other posts both here and elsewhere on the net) a reluctance for men to define themselves as bisexual. Many seem to have the notion of "either or" - either I'm gay, or I'm straight - which I think is the confusion the original post speaks about. To be honest - I don't know where that "either or" notion comes from - that would be an interesting discussion in itself.

    That same stigma of using the term bisexual does not seem to be attached to women - I see many more of us defining us somewhere in the spectrum "in-between".
     
  7. Hunt3ed

    Hunt3ed New Member

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    Okay I take on board what you guys say, and I really apprieciate such constructive feed back. My point here is not to shy away from my self and my Bisexuality. My point is that there are people out there that do go through so much personal anguish, and often have their lives destroyed because of this very ambiguous interpretation of being a Homo sexual and being Gay or even being Bisexual. And I wrote this with much thought, in order to help men who are affected by the labeling, in order help people who are not comfortable with their sexual fealings, and who have not been open about their preferences for 15 years. I'm just saying that there is no real need to go to mental the extremes that people go through, and I am hoping that my experiences from my point of view will help that set of people.

    As you should know Valkyrie! I have followed all your posts and threads as you have added quite a store here on LPSG. Some if it quite good, its interesting most of the time, and there is a lot of value in what you say. Thank you , and thanks to the rest of you too.
     
  8. Joseph

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    This label thing does make me sick...
    "I gotta say who I am..."
    I'm not sure what to do.... "I could go out with that girl, but... if I'm gay?.... or I'm not gay....."

    It confuses me and makes me go insane... but slowly I notice it's stupid, I am who I am and I just so things that I like, things will turn out good in the end
     
  9. SomeGuyOverThere

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    I have a mixed opinion on labels.

    it think they help us organise our thoughts and our opinions in a very messy (information wise) world.

    What we defiantly do need to do is drop the negative connotations of the words "gay","homosexual" and "lesbian".

    We also need to collectively shift our view of these labels from absolutes to flexibles - by all means use a label to identify yourself, but don't forget that the walls of the pigeon hole are imaginary.

    Though I do still think that John Barrowman said it best - 'Some cultures have 500 words for snow. Why don't we have 500 words for different types of sexuality?' (or words to that effect)
     
  10. playainda336

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    I understand what he's saying. He's not saying that being sexually attracted to the same sex is a choice, but accepting the lifestyle of being out and gay is a choice.

    ...I think.
     
  11. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
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    Yes that's how I read his posts too.
     
  12. rob_just_rob

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    I think I posted on a subject like this one some time ago.

    Labels are pointless because everyone has their own definition of what constitutes gay/bi/straight/whatever. For some people, straight is no-same sex encounters, period. For others, even same-sex fantasizing makes you gay or bi. For still others, one can engage in the occasional bout of oral sex with another person of one's gender and still be considered straight.

    It isn't a lifestyle choice. It's who you are. Maybe you don't know who you are yet, and maybe some people will never completely figure it out. But when you do know, it's not as if you can then turn around and decide to be gay, or straight, for that matter.
     
  13. B_big dirigible

    B_big dirigible New Member

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    I can't see that "lifestyle choice" definition of "gay" gaining any traction. That's just not what "gay" means to English speakers. And is the concept sound? What exactly is a "gay lifestyle"? I can think of a few defining points, but they're probably more cliche than fact.
     
  14. playainda336

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    I think homosexual lifestyle in this case would be going out and pursuing men for sex.
     
  15. B_big dirigible

    B_big dirigible New Member

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    That'd just be tautological - it doesn't say anything more than that a gay person is one who does what gay people do. Hardly an intellectual breakthrough.
     
  16. playainda336

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    Which is exactly what he is saying...? o_o;
     
  17. arsenicalive

    arsenicalive New Member

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    If we stop to consider the words heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual, we find what they all have in common: "sex" (and "ual", but that just makes it an adjective and not an absolute).

    It's all about sex. Who we have sex with, who we don't have sex with, who we want to have sex with and who we think about having sex with. Sex.

    Sex. Sex. Sex.

    Who you do or do not have sex with probably shouldn't be how you define yourself. Unless, of course, all you ever do is have sex. If a man is attracted to a man at some point, like when he does laundry or goes to the gym, it's an at-that-moment thing. If a man spends his whole life lusting after, pursuing and loving another man (or other men), then it's a general trend. And so forth for women, etc.

    None of that implies that a person IS a heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.

    People never really ARE anything beyond the basics of boy, girl, tall, short, etc... and even that can be changed. People fool themselves into thinking that they ARE something because they feel it at the moment, or even over a period of time, but it always changes as situations change. It's like me saying that I AM a republican... but then I go out and vote for who I think is the best candidate regardless of political affiliation.

    To avoid being long-winded (too late, I know): An act can be described as heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual--not a person. Not absolutely, anyway.

    Have sex of any flavor that you want. Just don't confuse that with your identity as a person.
     
  18. playainda336

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    I like that explanation. lol
     
  19. Hunt3ed

    Hunt3ed New Member

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    I like that , It kinda expresses in a nut shell what a thousand words clearly did not. Thanks
     
  20. Principessa

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