did i do the right thing?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rts8, May 27, 2005.

  1. rts8

    rts8 New Member

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    story: an ex girlfriend of mine whom i still care allot about as a person (she is, or was, an absolutely astounding person and amazed me with how great she was) has been having a rough time lately in life. i dated her throughout my seinor year of highschool and into this year as a freshmen in college. she was a senior this year in highschool. after we broke up (her decision) she tryed to make it as though we couldnt talk anymore because she didnt want to regret her decision, but she ended up regretting it more than she expected, and she tryed to push me away even harder. it really was frustrating, i just wanted to at least be friends and not have tension between us. but we got through it finally and started to become freinds again. she opened herself back up to me and told me of everything that has happened to her this year and everything that has bothered her. i heard terrible things. i was heartbroken to hear such things have become of this amazing girl. she was raped new years eve, and has become bulemic (spelling?) , depressed, and her friends used her and lied to her continuously, among other significant things. i didnt know what to do. how to help. i tryed to help but it only enraged her. finally, i went to her parents and told them, not because im a snitch, but because the only way she could deal with her problems is through professional help. her mind is in danger with all her thoughts about being raped and everything, and her health is in danger with her eating disorder. i thought that it was the right thing to do as she was endangering herself and i was worried she would damage herself beyond repair. now i havent been able to talk to her for 2 months. she is holding it against me, and she was mad at me (everyone to tell you the truth. she hated the world) even before she found i was the one who told. did i do the right thing? do you think i sacraficed our relationship for a worthwhile cause? i just want her to be happy with herself and be healthy. did i go about it wrong?
     
  2. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
    YES!

    What a good friend you are. So often when someone has gone through multiple traumas and depression sets in you are dealing with the disorder and not them. If your friend is exhibiting life endangering behavior it was being a friend to tell someone else.IF you were talking about her rape experience that is iffy. That is so intensely personal and we all deal with it differently. I hope this helps. it is sort of like a parent who would love for his child to like him but when parental behavior is necessary parent kicks in first and friend second. I hope she comes around , dont rush her though.

    Naughty

    P.S. On another thought though do you know this all to be true of is it a desperate bid for attention? Unfortunately,people have been known to do this but dont say anything just keep you ears and eyes open. You dont want to make a mistake.
     
  3. Pappy

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    I agree with Naughty. If this girl was truthflu to you as to what had happened to her, yes you did the right thing. If she lied to you to get attention, you still did the right thing because she has issues that she needs professional help dealing with.
     
  4. rts8

    rts8 New Member

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    yes i know for a fact th at these things happened. i told about mostly everything i knew. she has told noone about any of it buy her rape. i am thinking she used that for attention but it got to overwhelming when she found out how people reacted to it. she has also found a loophole in the law that makes effedra, the illegal and dangerous diet drug, legal to her because she has asthma. her self image has gone down the shitter. i do think she is trying to reach out for attention, but everything she said is real. isnt that what people want when things like this happen to them? some sort of attention to comfort them?
     
  5. Knight

    Knight New Member

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    Yeah you did the right thing. She probably wants attention. My ex was an attention seeker and a mindfucker :p She has problems too but she can solve them on her own.

    The girl will probably come to respect you and you might even get back together ;)
     
  6. Altairion

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    Dude it sounds like you did the right thing. I'm glad that you had the guts to tell her parents what has been going on, and have tried to get her help. Sometimes things like possible relationships need to be sacrificed if someone really needs help like that.
     
  7. B_HungSpermBoy

    B_HungSpermBoy New Member

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    I think you really did the right thing. Real love to me means that you stand bye her whatever happens, even if it means that she'll be pissed at you. I don't think that you sacrificed the relationship. I think you care about her a lot & what you did proved it.
     
  8. malito

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    I totally agree with so many of the other posters. You DID the right thing. If everything she told you is true and what you did was from your heart, then I feel that your sacrifice may be temporary. If (and that is a big if) she receives therapy for her rape and the resulting disorder, then she will probably see that you only meant to help. The realization of that may or should cause her to renew the relationship.
    The assulter (rapist) needs to be stopped. That should be her first goal in counseling. It is a crime of the heart as well as the body. And from her heart the crime has gone to her mind making it even more hurtful.
     
  9. jonb

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    You did the right thing. But I'll be honest; the guy who raped her most likely will go free. Evidence of rape disappears within a couple weeks, and DNA evidence implicating him in particular disappears within a couple days. (First the sperm flows out within a couple hours, and then any stray pubic hairs she might've picked up fall off over the next couple days.) Rape convictions are difficult to get unless she's white and he isn't.
     
  10. rts8

    rts8 New Member

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    well, out of sheer coincidence, i saw her today. i was visiting a firenda graduation party, and she was driving away as i showed up. got her to stop and all she could say was "i dunno" about what she was thinking. if shes mad, and if we can even continue to be freinds. she said shes ok with life, yet i could see in her eyes she was terrified even talking to me and talking about what has been brought into the open. i feel really bad but i still think i wasnt in the wrong
     
  11. steve319

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    rts8, you certainly did the toughest thing and probably the best thing you could have done under the circumstances. When another person is in clear crisis, it's our role to step in and try to help if we can (assuming there's anything at all we can do).

    As for the confidentiality issue, that's a tough one, but we have to be OK with making the choice to break a confidence if we are doing so to save a life. I use journal writing a lot with my classes and I have a clearly stated policy that whatever is written in the journal is confidential and private BUT that any threat to harm oneself or someone else changes that immediately. In those cases, we are bound to act.

    She may hate you for it (right now) and may have a hard time ever having a comfortable relationship with you again, but, honestly, perhaps your choice will end up making it possible for her to recover, rediscover happiness, and have healthy relationships in the future. And maybe, way down the line, she can come to accept the choice you made. Or maybe not. I'd advise that you not push her to forgive you.

    Good luck with this one. Don't let your choice haunt you, man.
     
  12. rts8

    rts8 New Member

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    that saddens me in two ways. one, she has always been the most stubborn person ive ever known. it was her major flaw. never would she budge about anything. she holds grudges forever, even after she has lost sight of why she was even mad in the first place. as if she knows she was mad for some reason, and thats good enough to just stay mad forever. and second, i am the type of person who will lay in bed at night and re-think everything ive done, knowing all too well that nothing can be done about the past except to accept what has happened, yet wish i could change it... dis be a tough one
     
  13. chrisj428

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    that saddens me in two ways. one, she has always been the most stubborn person ive ever known. it was her major flaw. never would she budge about anything. she holds grudges forever, even after she has lost sight of why she was even mad in the first place. as if she knows she was mad for some reason, and thats good enough to just stay mad forever. and second, i am the type of person who will lay in bed at night and re-think everything ive done, knowing all too well that nothing can be done about the past except to accept what has happened, yet wish i could change it... dis be a tough one
    [post=315902]Quoted post[/post]​
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    My heart goes out to you, man. I'm in a similar situation with a good friend of mine for the past three years. The cause of it was different, but suffice to say, we haven't talked in four months and I spend my free time rehashing the event and the fallout from it.

    I had some good friends remind me that what happened wasn't my fault, that he's the one with the issues and that I should stop beating myself up over it. Easier said than done, to be sure, but I'm going to give it the old college-try this weekend.

    Good luck to you, man! Let's hope the way things are supposed to end up are the way we want them; and, if not, remember there's a reason for it. :pals:
     
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