Did I Get Lied To By A Married Gay Guy?

cityjock89

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Posts
1,521
Media
0
Likes
3,615
Points
258
Location
London (Greater London, England)
Verification
View
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
Not sure if right forum - mods - please don’t delete this if it is, just tell me the right forum.

Got involved with a married guy who was out to his wife and kids but staying married to her until the kids went to college.

We had 3 months of pretty intense communication before he decided rather abruptly that he had to say goodbye and would hope to get in touch when he was ready to come out.

While I know most of what he told me was true, the abrupt nature of cutting me off has made me wonder if this guy was openly gay to his family or just one of the narcissist types that gets off on the thrill of hooking somebody in.

I want to believe he just freaked and the reality meant he realised he couldn’t keep up the double life. But the other part thinks he was pretty shitty and was toying me about.

Any other gay men in marriages - love your opinions.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Voltaire

cityjock89

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Posts
1,521
Media
0
Likes
3,615
Points
258
Location
London (Greater London, England)
Verification
View
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
Maybe he was not really out to her. I am bi and married and not out to her. That’s why I try and only meet married guys like me. To us it’s only about the sex and not about a relationship

interesting! Weird that he was so quick to talk about future shit when he leaves his wife. Maybe he liked the fantasy
 
  • Like
Reactions: Scarletbegonia

cedarizzo

Superior Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2013
Posts
1,495
Media
34
Likes
6,513
Points
533
Location
Champaign, IL, USA
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
When I was in college, I messed around with a guy who worked for the university. He was married and had 3 kids. I don't remember how much older he was than me, but if I remember correctly, his oldest kid was 5 years younger than me.

He told me that he had recently started coming to terms with his sexuality and his wife and kids knew that he was gay. But our conversations often dealt with the problems he had being gay and being married to his wife. He often felt like he was cheating on her. He was always worried about what his kids would think if they found out he was having sex with men. In the end, he was too much drama for me. I broke it off with him, but he didn't know any gay men that he could talk to, so he often called me. Finally I met my 1st boyfriend and moved an hour away, so he stopped calling.

Years later, when I was working in the adult bookstore, he started showing up. He would come by once a week and tell me his problems. He was still married but he said his wife knew that he was sleeping with guys. His kids were all out of high school, but they kept married for the kids. He still had issues with being married. I finally told him that he really needed to see somebody professionally and talk to them about his problems. He either got pissed off by what I said or he actually did what I said, either way, he never bothered me again.

I don't have a good answer for you about your situation. But I am guessing that the married guy has a lot of issues he has to deal with before he could ever be ready for something else. You probably helped him on his journey, but he wasn't ready yet. If you are serious about him, you could wait, but honestly I think you would just be hurting yourself. You don't now what he will do or how fast/slow he will do it. Just move on with your life. If it was meant to be, he will somehow find a way back into your life.
 

cityjock89

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Posts
1,521
Media
0
Likes
3,615
Points
258
Location
London (Greater London, England)
Verification
View
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
When I was in college, I messed around with a guy who worked for the university. He was married and had 3 kids. I don't remember how much older he was than me, but if I remember correctly, his oldest kid was 5 years younger than me.

He told me that he had recently started coming to terms with his sexuality and his wife and kids knew that he was gay. But our conversations often dealt with the problems he had being gay and being married to his wife. He often felt like he was cheating on her. He was always worried about what his kids would think if they found out he was having sex with men. In the end, he was too much drama for me. I broke it off with him, but he didn't know any gay men that he could talk to, so he often called me. Finally I met my 1st boyfriend and moved an hour away, so he stopped calling.

Years later, when I was working in the adult bookstore, he started showing up. He would come by once a week and tell me his problems. He was still married but he said his wife knew that he was sleeping with guys. His kids were all out of high school, but they kept married for the kids. He still had issues with being married. I finally told him that he really needed to see somebody professionally and talk to them about his problems. He either got pissed off by what I said or he actually did what I said, either way, he never bothered me again.

I don't have a good answer for you about your situation. But I am guessing that the married guy has a lot of issues he has to deal with before he could ever be ready for something else. You probably helped him on his journey, but he wasn't ready yet. If you are serious about him, you could wait, but honestly I think you would just be hurting yourself. You don't now what he will do or how fast/slow he will do it. Just move on with your life. If it was meant to be, he will somehow find a way back into your life.

thanks for the lovely response. I think you’ve told me what I needed to hear. Your experience seems similar to mine. I feared this guy had been making some stuff up but the realisation that it was all too much to deal with prob hit him.
 

cedarizzo

Superior Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2013
Posts
1,495
Media
34
Likes
6,513
Points
533
Location
Champaign, IL, USA
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
thanks for the lovely response. I think you’ve told me what I needed to hear. Your experience seems similar to mine. I feared this guy had been making some stuff up but the realisation that it was all too much to deal with prob hit him.
I was afraid that your case was very similar to mine. In the end, I don't think he had the balls to do what he wanted to do. He just went with the flow, kept married to the wife and kept the wife and kids happy. But on the inside, it was tearing him apart. There is nothing to change that, only he has the power to do it. Sorry you are in that situation too.
 
  • Like
Reactions: P.J.9

cityjock89

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Posts
1,521
Media
0
Likes
3,615
Points
258
Location
London (Greater London, England)
Verification
View
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
I was afraid that your case was very similar to mine. In the end, I don't think he had the balls to do what he wanted to do. He just went with the flow, kept married to the wife and kept the wife and kids happy. But on the inside, it was tearing him apart. There is nothing to change that, only he has the power to do it. Sorry you are in that situation too.

no it’s good to get perspective! He didn’t just cut me out. And the fact he’s putting his kids first shows he’s a decent guy in that sense. I hope he’s at least taken something positive from being in contact with me that will help over the next few years
 
  • Like
Reactions: cedarizzo

SamMann75

Superior Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2018
Posts
1,054
Media
0
Likes
3,268
Points
233
Location
Massachusetts (United States)
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Male
If he's not out to the rest of the world...

I'm straight and married. I started hanging out with an openly gay guy younger then me. We got along. When i worked late we'd meet for dinner, usually a nice steak or seafood place because my wife doesn't like steak or seafood and thinks it's ridiculous to pay $30 for chicken at those places, and working late I'd go home to a cold plate to microwave. I invited him to watch the game from my company box. Things I've done a million times with straight friends, but my kids are older, my straight friends have kids that are younger and don't go out as much.

I heard from a few friends that people thought my friendship with this guy was more then what it was. If I was in the closet, I'd probably freak and never talk to him again, but I just laughed and said a handsome young gay guy like him could do so much better then me.

When I told him he laughed and then apologized saying he didn't want to hurt my feels but I just wasn't his type. I laughed and said I'm rich and I dress fabulously of course I'd be your type.

First thing is first, it's not you, but if he's not out to the world there are a million little things that could have spooked him. Some day I hope he feels the freedom to be himself and fuck the world of they don't like it, I'm just sad that when that day comes, he'll think of you and always regret what he might have missed out on.
 

cityjock89

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Posts
1,521
Media
0
Likes
3,615
Points
258
Location
London (Greater London, England)
Verification
View
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
If he's not out to the rest of the world...

I'm straight and married. I started hanging out with an openly gay guy younger then me. We got along. When i worked late we'd meet for dinner, usually a nice steak or seafood place because my wife doesn't like steak or seafood and thinks it's ridiculous to pay $30 for chicken at those places, and working late I'd go home to a cold plate to microwave. I invited him to watch the game from my company box. Things I've done a million times with straight friends, but my kids are older, my straight friends have kids that are younger and don't go out as much.

I heard from a few friends that people thought my friendship with this guy was more then what it was. If I was in the closet, I'd probably freak and never talk to him again, but I just laughed and said a handsome young gay guy like him could do so much better then me.

When I told him he laughed and then apologized saying he didn't want to hurt my feels but I just wasn't his type. I laughed and said I'm rich and I dress fabulously of course I'd be your type.

First thing is first, it's not you, but if he's not out to the world there are a million little things that could have spooked him. Some day I hope he feels the freedom to be himself and fuck the world of they don't like it, I'm just sad that when that day comes, he'll think of you and always regret what he might have missed out on.

thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed response. We are on talking terms again as friends which has put my mind at ease.
 

fournineteenfiftynine

Legendary Member
Joined
Sep 10, 2004
Posts
1,470
Media
10
Likes
1,758
Points
593
Location
Minneapolis (Minnesota, United States)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Not sure if right forum - mods - please don’t delete this if it is, just tell me the right forum.

Got involved with a married guy who was out to his wife and kids but staying married to her until the kids went to college.

We had 3 months of pretty intense communication before he decided rather abruptly that he had to say goodbye and would hope to get in touch when he was ready to come out.

While I know most of what he told me was true, the abrupt nature of cutting me off has made me wonder if this guy was openly gay to his family or just one of the narcissist types that gets off on the thrill of hooking somebody in.

I want to believe he just freaked and the reality meant he realised he couldn’t keep up the double life. But the other part thinks he was pretty shitty and was toying me about.

Any other gay men in marriages - love your opinions.

I was married to a woman and had kids. I understand the desire to hang in there until the kids are grown. However, and unfortunately, the person coming out has a lot of catching up and maturing to do as an out gay man. You have to basically relive your adolescence, date, and learn about yourself, accept yourself, and love yourself in that process. And until one does that, he isn't really good relationship material for you or anyone else. While maybe not always true, it was my experience and I've witnessed this with others who also came out late in life. No one is a bad person - just immature due to internal homophobia and dissociative attitudes. Lots to overcome to become whole.
 

cityjock89

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Posts
1,521
Media
0
Likes
3,615
Points
258
Location
London (Greater London, England)
Verification
View
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
I was married to a woman and had kids. I understand the desire to hang in there until the kids are grown. However, and unfortunately, the person coming out has a lot of catching up and maturing to do as an out gay man. You have to basically relive your adolescence, date, and learn about yourself, accept yourself, and love yourself in that process. And until one does that, he isn't really good relationship material for you or anyone else. While maybe not always true, it was my experience and I've witnessed this with others who also came out late in life. No one is a bad person - just immature due to internal homophobia and dissociative attitudes. Lots to overcome to become whole.

yeh I told him this. He said he was done fooling about with guys and wanted a relationship with a guy when he leaves his wife. But I told him he has a life to live as an out gay man and getting straight into a relationship might not be what he needs.
 
7

7053701

Guest
Got involved with a married guy who was out to his wife and kids but staying married to her until the kids went to college.

We had 3 months of pretty intense communication before he decided rather abruptly that he had to say goodbye and would hope to get in touch when he was ready to come out.
Unless he tells you, you will never know.

From my experience, the likeliest answer is that it was one of these:

1) You. As in, you were trying to have more with him than he was comfortable with, and decided that it was probably going to get messy, so ended it.

2) Him. Did he find another boy toy to play with? Did he want to take a break from "being gay"? Guilt? Any of those, and a hundred other possibilities as well.

3) His wife. If he was out like he said, maybe she got jealous of your time together and told him to end it, or she would leave him. If he lied about being out, maybe she was starting to catch on to some sort of an affair. Even if he was careful, spouses who pay attention always know. Sometimes they ignore it for a while, because they aren't interested in sex anyway anymore, but then their mind changes and it becomes a scene. And, again, lots of other possibilities.

There is always a risk, and usually a price in getting involved with a married person. But, when they say it's over, you don't have any control over that unless you want to cause a big mess with him, and his family. I've seen that as well. It's not pretty.