Did I go too far?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Man-thango, Aug 24, 2007.

  1. Man-thango

    Man-thango Member

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    Last night while my bf was in the other room on the computer I decided to pull out a porno mag. When came in the room I proceeded to hide the magazine. He said "give it too me!" Unsure I reluctantly handed it to him. "Everytime I see you looking at porn I'm going to rip it up or break the disc." I protested and proceeded to rip my Black Inches mag in half. I was devastated. Every one of them kats in the magazine was worthy of j/o material (except for one maybe) making it a great issue. I was heated and told him that it was unnecessary for him to destroy my property when earlier he express no interest in having sex. He stated, "you're a porn addict and you need to get it under control." "Are you crazy? I don't go about crushing up your fucking cigarettes because I don't want you acting like you're on the rag!" "If you want to destroy my cigarettes," he said," go right ahead." I was so pissed off I said words I didn't really mean, "I hate you and don't want to be in a relationship with you any more!" "I was joking but I realize I went too far," he added," if that's the way you feel about me over a magazine then you don't have to be with me! You made your choice to be in a relationship witrh porn and I was just a suppliment" With that he threw off his commitment ring and grabbed his pillow and went to go sleep out on the couch in the living room. Was I wrong for reacting the way I did? Is there any justification for such behavior? My bf has constantly told me I have an addiction to porn but when I bring up the health problems his cigarette habit causes he proceedes to tell me my habit is destroying are relationship. May I add that he has told me he has self-image/esteem issues stemming from his childhood making him very insecure. Was he right or was it really uncalled for? Or should I just leave him for being an asshole?
     
  2. Osiris

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    That's a hard place to be. Maybe you should go to him and talk to him about the porn addiction issue. It sounds like he really loves you. Once you have finished that discussion on the porn and you two are on the same page, then let him know you hate the cigs because you love him and want him to be with you and healthy.

    I know not my best advice, but talking things out calmly can go a long way.
     
  3. wldhoney

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    No, I don't believe you were wrong. It would be one thing if you were replacing your sex life with your boyfriend with porn and he was sexually unsatisfied. It's another when it is the enjoyment of erotica and you find it pleasurable. It's a control and jealousy issue that is HIS problem, his feelings, and only he can own them.

    I am constantly amazed by partners in relationships who believe they suddenly have the right to change or dictate how the other must behave and what they must do. If anything, one should be able to be honest and feel comfortable enough to share what stimulates them. Many at time I have walked in on my man enjoying porn in some form, and rather than berate him, I would join him, tease him. Buy him naughty things and put them in his Christmas stocking. By trying to control you and make you stop, your boyfriend might succeed in driving you away.

    Women do the same thing. They become insecure if their man watches porn or goes to strip clubs and will demand he discontinues. If it were me, and my partner told me I couldn't look at a magazine, and then proceded to destroy it, I would sit down with him, explain that I love them, but this is who I am and what I enjoy, and they either need to accept it as I accept them or our relationship was in danger of ending.

    You are not a child, and as long as you are not being hurtful, are considerate and respectful in return, and not using the computer or porn to cheat with others, you are entitled to you fantasies.

    I do want to add that I wouldn't throw out the "hate you's", etc. I know it's a natural reaction, but it is hard to take back once it is out there.
     
  4. Man-thango

    Man-thango Member

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    Osiris thank you for replying: I've spoken to him about the cigarette use and even mentioned my mother had the habit but gave it up no doubt after I told her of a dream I had. He continues to tell me smoking is his way of coping (he was working at the post office near ground zero during the attacks so I understand) with stress. I tell him porn is my way of blowing off steam and keeping from being backed up and crabby. Now when I think of it I never tell him of his morning breath which is made worst by his smoking. I don't even have to be up in his face to smell it. It's really gross and has a urine undercurrent. There are things I can tolerate but someone being an asshole to me just to prove a point isn't one of them.
     
  5. Osiris

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    Very true. Being nasty to make a point makes it worse. Interesting about the cigarettes being for stress relief. My wife and I smoked (me occasionally, my wife a lot more), let's just say we became each others stress relief.:wink:

    I guess the question is do you really want him to stay? Do you want to stay? I kind of sense a "This is the last straw" kind of thing. Am I right?
     
  6. Man-thango

    Man-thango Member

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    wldhoney I feel you on that. I'm not harming anyone and I'm not viewing anthing illegal so what is the problem? He feels he won't get any from but I'va already made it abundantly clear that I am very sexual and just because I relieved myself earlier doesn't mean I can't do it again. What I don't understand is why he would go to such extremes instead of just taking the initaitive. He just has insecurities stemming from his mother's relationship with him.

    Let me also add that earlier in the evening he was grilling me about my fidelity in this relationship. Told him several times that I haven't been cheating on him since our 2 week split last year. Something is telling me I should reconsider being in a relationship with him if he continues to impose these stupid restrictions.
     
  7. Osiris

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    Sounds like something spooked him on the fidelity front. Any idea what?
     
  8. Man-thango

    Man-thango Member

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    Yes, osiris. I've constantly told myself "I am through with this shit" but I love him and can't imagaine being with anyone else who understands me. I don't use drugs to relieve stress because I can do it naturally through sexual stimulation. He just has issues and wants someone to fufill his needs whenever he feels horny or whenever his partner is. Stupid thinking.
     
  9. wldhoney

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    I'm not sure if you did cheat on him or not. However, if you did, when he decided to continue the relationship, he was agreeing to let it go. He needs to either forgive and move on, or he needs to end it. Some people can get past it, but if not, it is not a healthy way to live for either of you. He will always be wondering, accusing, questioning, and you will always be irritated, angry, and resentful.

    I would say that your statement, "he continues to impose these stupid restrictions" sums it up. An adult relationship should not feel like a parent/child, you have been naughty, situation. He needs to get past his insecurites somehow, whether thru therapy or talking it out. Otherwise, your relationship will always be emotionally chaotic.
     
  10. Man-thango

    Man-thango Member

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    ?

    No, not lately. I do spend alot of time online but I'm also job searching half of the time. He just feels threatened/abondoned by the fact that I jack off alot. I figure it could be worst, I could have a drug habit.
     
  11. wldhoney

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    Man-thango, the below answer sums it up pretty well. Therapists will tell you that masturbation is healthy and normal whether you are in a relationship or not. Even married both my husband and I did it.

    Here is just one answer I located:

    "Masturbation is totally normal for people of all ages whether they are in a relationship or not. Masturbation is a great way to learn and practice pleasing yourself. Generally, people who masturbate tend to function better sexually with others, because masturbation is practice for fulfilling sexual expression.

    Some people in relationships get upset that their partner masturbates because they view it as cheating or feel they are not satisfying their partner. They also may feel guilty about masturbating while they are in relationships. Masturbating is not cheating, nor is it something to feel guilty about.

    It's important to let partners know that we care about them and that if we masturbate it does not mean that they are not satisfying to us. This also may help free them of the guilt they may have about masturbating while in a relationship. Talking about each other's feelings can help both partners understand where the other one is coming from. They may even choose to masturbate together. Whatever they choose to do, open communication about masturbation may help them get to know a lot about each other."
     
  12. SpoiledPrincess

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    The vast majority of men look at porn and he choose to get into a relationship with someone who looked at porn so it's unfair of him to expect you to change your behaviour when he won't change his. Porn isn't instead of sex, it's as well as and you should simply call his bluff and tell him if he can't handle you looking at jizz mags then your relationship can't continue. It may seem a minor thing to end a relationship over, but if he can manage to manipulate you into giving him his way over this you'll set a pattern where he's always got the upper hand.
     
  13. yhtang

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    I am a bit on the extreme side when it comes to turst and relationship.

    I always feel that if there is no trust, there is no basis of a healthy relationship.

    These are rhetorical questions - Is this the first time your boysfriend had been suspicious of your fidelity? Had he ever had a reason to do so? Is he always like these?

    Answers to these questions might help you judge how much trust he has on your relationship with him, and this knowledge might help you decide if your relationship is worth preserving.
     
  14. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

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    If you like porn, and your partner doesn't... find a new partner.
     
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